The bathroom looked so much bigger and colder than it had last night. It had reminded her of luxury and elegance when she had first set sight on it. After sharing the bath with Derek and the way they’d made love, it made her ache for that warmth that consumed her as she felt his body enter hers.
“Oh, Derek. God, I love you so much.” A tiny tear trailed down her cheek when she made the quiet declaration.
She opened the large glass door to the walk in shower and turned the nozzle. She jumped a little and was startled when several jets of water shot out at her arm from all different directions. A cursory glance showed her there were five in total. One on each of the three walls, one overhead, and a lower one shooting almost upward on the wall with the nozzles.
Her mind couldn’t help but flash to images of what Derek’s lean and taut muscular body would look like with all that water shooting down on it.
With a deep sigh, she removed her robe and let it fall to the floor. She stepped in and refused to let the stinging, salty secretions, which were pushing to break free, from showing themselves and falling from her eyes.
She poured a generous amount of shampoo in her palm and began lathering it all over. In the past, Derek had always loved to smell her hair when holding her. Because of his height, her hair had always met with his nose, and it just became something she could always remember him doing. Almost out of routine or habit, every time she was snuggled against him, she could hear him deeply inhale, and she knew what he was doing.
After scrubbing and thoroughly washing her long hair, she rinsed it and reached for her deep conditioning rinse. Since she had so much hair, she was never the kind of woman who would be able to ever go a washing without something to get through the massive amounts which would tangle and snarl.
Once the conditioning rinse was sitting, she reached for her glycerin body bar. It was hard to not smile at the memory of Derek teasing her the first time he had seen the orange-colored, translucent bar. It had no scent and was a boring rectangular bar which contradicted everything else about her. Her lotions and perfumes all were very feminine and girly, but her mama had taught her the importance of skin care from a very young age.
“You can change your hair color, diet, and exercise, but your skin is who you are. Keep it radiant, young, and beautiful and you will always be the envy of anyone in a room,” her mother used to drill in her head over and over.
Admittedly, her mother and father were both superficial people and the opposite of what any child should have growing up. Their idea of nurturing was to provide a nice home and lots of material possessions. They had always believed that beauty was in how people perceived them. It was about presence, stature, and everything else that should matter was merely hogwash. Or at least that was what her father had said.
Lathering up her body, she was brought back to memories of those first few weeks dating Derek. He was a complete contradiction to everything she was taught while growing up. For the first time in her life, she wasn’t worried about presenting herself a certain way. Instead, it became about having fun, meeting new people, making friends, and smiling. Until that first summer with Derek, she hadn’t known what it was like to truly smile. Sure, she had smiled for cameras and appearances’ sake. Never had she smiled from the inside though. Never before then had she smiled because her heart was smiling as well.
Their first summer together was such a beautiful time. It still sickened her to no end that she screwed everything up so badly. How could she ever think she wanted another man?
She tried to quiet her thoughts as the water beat down on her. Her nerves were still on edge wondering why Derek had left. It took everything she had to not run to his room when she awoke alone.
Rinsing the last of the conditioner from her hair, she applied a second generous amount of conditioner, making sure to deeply massage it into the ends. Another trick she picked up from dear old Mom. Despite all of her mother’s flaws, she did teach her proper grooming and care.
She laughed out loud at the thought. The description made her mother sound like a dog groomer. Though in some ways, she could look at her years growing up as nothing more than a dog and pony show. Look this way, act that way, sit up straight, smile politely, but do not show those teeth, the rules of proper behavior were endless.
Finishing with her shower, she stood in the steam enclosure while looking out at the bathtub. How many nights like last night had she wasted? she wondered. Shaking her head, she silently chastised herself for being so self-absorbed. She had to get past it and just do whatever it took to get him back. Enough of the drama and self-pity. It was her own fault they had missed out on the past two years, but only she could change it and prove to him that she would never be so foolish again.
Minutes later, she was applying her favorite hyacinth and sweet pea body lotion when she heard a horn honking. The first time she heard it, she hadn’t thought too much of it, but the second and third honk piqued her curiosity. Picking up her brush to finish running it through her hair, she walked over to the window to look outside.
A moment of dread filled her when her eyes met with the yellow cab and Derek loading a suitcase in the trunk.
“No!” She shouted the word as she grabbed her robe, putting it on and hurriedly tying it while running for the door.
She ignored the few people she passed in the hallway who gave her a polite hello. She did not have time for casual greetings and pleasantries. She had to stop Derek from leaving.
When she got to the bottom of the stairs, she had a strange feeling of tunnel vision. The front door seemed suddenly so much further away. Her heart was pounding fast. Too fast.
She flung the door open and caught a final glimpse of the cab turning the corner as it left the large estate. Dropping to her knees on the hot concrete, she tried to yell his name, but was unable. There was a lump stuck in her throat. She could barely breathe through her tears and sobbing.
How many minutes passed, she wasn’t sure, when she felt a gentle yet firm grasp on her shoulder. She looked up to see Zach staring down at her with a look of regret.
“Sandi, come inside.”
Despite the glaring sun, she couldn’t look away from him. “Why?” She hesitated for a moment before continuing. “We made love last night. Why did he leave me?”
“Oh, sweetie, I don’t know.” He reached down and helped her up to a standing position before adjusting her robe which was gaping open.
“Call him, Zach. Please! Call him and make him come back.” She knew her request sounded pathetic, but she didn’t care.
“He requested that I don’t. Instead, he asked me to give you this.” Reaching in his pants pocket, he pulled out an envelope which had been folded in half.
She allowed him to place the note in her hand, uncertain whether she’d ever want to read it. Her hands were shaking. So much so it was all she could do just to hold onto it.
“I love him, Zach. I do. I screwed up so bad before, but I truly love him.” Her words came out between cries.
“Shh. I know you do, sweetie.” He placed a comforting arm around her and kissed her cheek. “I know you do.”
“It’s not enough though, is it? My love for him, my apologies, my pleas, it’s not enough.”
“I guess not, honey. It should be though. Everyone makes mistakes. It should be enough.” He squeezed his arm around her a little tighter.
Sandi walked the endless journey to her bedroom with Zach’s arm snugly around her. She had stopped crying. She thought so, anyway. She couldn’t be sure. She was numb and couldn’t even feel her bare feet touching the cold tiled floor with every step.
Zach had stayed with her in the room for a few minutes, laying out some clothes for her and seeing to it that she was taken care of. She wanted to smile and thank him for his kindness but couldn’t find the strength.
Once he was gone, she stared at the envelope, which was now nearly crumpled from being clutched in her hand like a lifeline. Hesitantly and very slowly, she
opened it up, pulling out the one page which was folded into thirds.
As she unfolded the single sheet, she had a sickening feeling that everything they shared in the end only amounted to a small note, not deserving of many words. She took a calming breath before she began to read it.
Sandi,
By the time you get this letter, I will be gone. You are a beautiful woman who would make any man incredibly happy. That man can never be me though.
You destroyed any faith I had in you. I may be a hard man and one who is difficult at times, but I loved you. That should have been enough for you.
Please don’t contact me. It’s too late. The damage is done and I will never trust you again.
Take care,
Derek
A pain unlike anything she’d ever felt welled up inside her. That was it? That was all she got after everything they had shared the past couple of days? She knew she’d hurt him, but she also knew how much he cared for her. How could he leave her with a note that said so little and ended with a “take care”?
Chapter 15
Derek walked into the office of his restaurant, Travis’s Steakhouse, hoping to get his mind off of Sandi. He hadn’t slept since he’d arrived home yesterday afternoon, and here it was approaching sunrise, and he was coming in to work. He did a cursory glance around the room. It smelled of apples and cinnamon, a favorite potpourri blend of Ann’s, his brother’s new bride.
He threw his keys on the sideboard next to the door and walked around to his desk. He had to steel himself against the memory of Sandi sitting on the desk so many nights, begging him to hurry and finish with his work, so they could take a walk in the nearby open prairie or even catch a movie at the small, local cinema.
Sitting down in his chair, the red flash of his answering machine caught his eye. Seven messages? Ann always stayed at night to balance that day’s business books. She was meticulous about not leaving anything undone before she went home for the evening. He glanced at his watch, and it was not quite five o’clock. Curiosity poked at him as he reached over and hit play, wondering who could’ve left seven messages in a matter of probably not more than eight hours.
The obnoxious, robotic sound of the machine’s voice first announced that he had seven new messages before the first beep sounded.
“Derek, oh, baby, please call me. How could you leave? I love you.”
A wave of nausea swept through him so quickly, he wondered if he needed to run to the bathroom. Then he heard the sound of the second beep.
“Derek, please! I screwed up. I know, but I’m so sorry. I’ll never ever hurt you again. You’re everything to me.”
His jaw clenched, and he closed his eyes. He’d waited for so long to hear that from her. Why did it have to be too late now?
Messages three, four, five, and six were more of the same. With each message, she seemed to be more upset. Her voice quieter, more strained as though she’d been crying all night. He could hear her sniffle, and he hated that. Just because he could never trust her again didn’t mean he wanted her to be unhappy or upset. He wanted her to be happy and have a wonderful life. That life could just never be with him. Ever.
He was startled out of his thoughts by the sound of Zach’s voice on the seventh message.
“Dude, you are an asshole! No, correction, you are a dumb-fuck prick who finally got what he wanted and is throwing it away because of his damn pride! I’d tell you she hasn’t eaten or slept since she woke up yesterday morning and found you had left her. I’d tell you that she has done nothing but sit in a chair staring out her bedroom window since you left just waiting for you to return. I’d even tell you that she is broken because of you. I’d tell you all of that, plus a whole lot more, if I thought there was any chance in hell a selfish, son of a bitch like yourself gave a flying fuck!”
That was all Zach said before slamming the receiver down so hard, the loud echo of it literally made the answering machine’s tiny speaker send out a terrible screeching feedback sound.
His hand hovered over the play button. He normally would just delete messages once he’d heard them, but the urge to save Sandi’s urgent pleas for him to come back to her was too tempting. For so long he’d ached for her, wanting to hear her say she loved him, and he was all that mattered. The sound in her voice though, the pain her words were laced with, was too much. He instead hit delete.
Turning on the computer sitting in front of him, he decided he’d make himself some coffee while he waited for the dinosaur desktop to boot up. Just because he wasn’t sleeping didn’t mean he wasn’t exhausted. Every time he’d attempted to close his eyes, visions of Sandi and their last couple of days together flooded his mind, filling him with an urgency and need to go back to her. Something he could not and would not allow.
Minutes later, he sat back down in front of the screen. A large swig of his coffee told him that Ann must have switched brands in his short sabbatical because this wasn’t his usual black-as-tar, peel-paint-off-the-walls coffee that he loved so much. A small grin curved up the sides of his mouth. She complained about the stuff constantly, saying the dark liquid wasn’t fit for human consumption. He figured she probably waited a total of five seconds after he walked out the door before she switched it.
He clicked on the icon for the book system they use, curious to see how they’d been doing the past few days. His eyes were pleased with the numbers in black at the bottom of the screen. Ann might have come into their lives by chance, but she’d been the best thing to ever happen to his brother and the best manager he could have ever hoped for in this restaurant.
The thought of his brother’s happiness jarred him back to memories of Sandi. Again.
“Fuck!”
He hated this. Was she ever going to be out of his mind? Would he ever be able to forget her and just move on with his life?
He hated to admit it, but he didn’t think he ever would. When she’d left him, he had prayed for one more night with her. Just a chance to show her how good they were together. He told himself that he would give anything for that opportunity, and here he’d had that chance, and it obviously worked. She was doing and saying everything he had hoped she would. So why in the hell couldn’t he just accept it and be with her?
Shaking his head, he knew there was no answer. He’d tried to rationalize it several times on the plane flying back to Texas. There was no rationalization though. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter how much he wanted her, needed her, or loved her. There was no way he would ever be able to trust her again, and that was a chance with his heart he couldn’t take.
Hours must have passed as he was going over miscellaneous paperwork and things that he and Ann normally put off until they had extra time on their hands because his concentration was broken by the sound of someone clearing their throat. He looked up to see his brother standing in the doorway.
Derek leaned back in his chair and gave his brother a knowing nod. He knew what was coming. From the look on his face, his brother was pissed about something. What that something was, he didn’t know, but he knew the temper and the warning signs.
“This should be good,” Derek muttered under his breath.
“Shut up!” Quinn snapped back.
“Jesus H, man, what in the hell has got your panties in a bunch this time?”
Quinn shut the door and came toward him. Leaning over the desk, he placed both palms down and answered his question.
“Would you like to explain to me why you bothered pining over that woman for so long if the second you get her back, you throw her away?”
“Sandi?” Derek wondered how he knew what had happened. He’d only gotten home yesterday afternoon. He went nowhere and saw no one, locking himself in his house.
“Don’t play stupid. Yes, Sandi. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Wait, I’m confused. How in the hell do you know what happened with Sandi and I?”
Quinn shook his head, clearly annoyed. “She called here last night looki
ng for you. Ann answered.”
“Oh, shit. Ann answered?”
Derek knew that wasn’t good. Ann was a hopeless romantic.
“Yes, and I spent the majority of the night listening to my new wife think of a million ways to get you and your beloved back together again. If you ask me, you don’t deserve her. But what the fuck do I know?”
Derek hadn’t been expecting that. “Excuse me? I don’t deserve her, huh? How do you figure that?”
“Oh, come on, man. You spend all that time being lovesick over a woman who you claim you can’t live without, and when you finally get her back, you tell her to fuck off?” Quinn shook his head.
“I did not tell her to fuck off! Is that what she told Ann?”
“No. She didn’t tell her that, but for all intents and purposes, it sounds like you did. I mean, you sleep with a woman whom you supposedly would’ve given anything to get back, who obviously loves you, and you throw her away. Sounds like a typical fuck off to me.”
He was growing tired of his brother’s attitude. This was none of his damn business. “Look, I know your wife is a sweetheart. You know I love Ann, too, but it’s not your business. Stay out of it!” He took a drink of cold coffee and winced before continuing. “And by the way, who says I slept with her? You don’t know shit.”
The mocking glare Quinn gave him told him his brother knew him too well. “Yeah, all right. I slept with her. That still doesn’t make it your damn business.”
Quinn sighed and turned his head when he heard the sound of voices coming from the kitchen.
“Shut the damn door,” Derek told him.
Quinn did as he asked and turned back to face his brother. Leaning back against the door, he crossed one leg over the other and followed suit with his arms.
“Derek, it is my business. You’re my brother, man.” He put up a hand to stop him from interrupting. “No, hear me out.”
Morgan, Nicole - Intimate Confessions [Intimate Temptations 2] (Siren Publishing Allure) Page 9
