My eyes went wide.
Jax squeezed my hand. “But I also know that Rayne is the right man for you. I think I could feel it when your healing energy was inside me. I could feel the amazing love the two of you share. It was something powerful and special, something that couldn’t be denied.”
Jax leaned across the edge of the bed toward me. “I love you... but not like that, not like Rayne. You two have a bond stronger than I could ever imagine. And I don’t have any desire to get in the way of that. I don’t think I could, even if I tried.” Jax smiled sadly. “If anything, I’m jealous. I can only wish that one day I find someone who loves me the way the both of you love each other.”
For a moment I was speechless. A huge grin beamed across my face. It felt right. Everything Jax said made perfect sense to me. The last thing I wanted was to hurt Jax. It felt like such a relief that he was okay with the way things had to be.
I lifted myself onto my knees at the side of the bed and reached out my arms. Jax smiled and accepted my embrace, wrapping his arms around me.
We hugged for a long moment. When we finally let go, I glanced over to see Rayne standing at the mouth of the hallway, watching intently.
He held up a brown paper bag. “Um... I brought take-out,” Rayne said hesitantly.
I dropped my arms from Jax immediately. The last thing I wanted was for Rayne to think he was seeing something more than an innocent hug between friends.
“Do you mind giving us a few minutes to talk?” I said to Jax.
Jax nodded with a knowing smile. “Of course,” he replied, and then he left the room.
I stepped toward Rayne. “I think we need to talk.”
He nodded. “I know. I was thinking the same thing.” Rayne motioned toward the two chairs next to the bed. “We should probably sit,” he said. “You must be pretty tired.”
For a moment, I almost felt angry at his words. I knew he was just trying to take care of me, but why couldn’t he just let me take care of myself once in a while. I shook my head and went to sit down. I was reading way too much into things.
Rayne sat down quietly in the chair next to me. “So, did you and Jax talk?”
I focused on Rayne’s essence. It felt like he was scared to hear my answer, like somehow Jax and I had decided on something Rayne didn’t want to hear.
“Yeah, we talked,” I said. I looked at Rayne carefully. “I want you to know that I had no idea Jax’s feelings were so strong. I mean, he was sending me some confusing signals for a while there, but I had no idea what was really going on in his head. I would never purposely do anything to jeopardize what we have. You know that, right?”
Rayne took in a slow breath. “Most of the time I think I know that,” he said, “but, sometimes I still don’t feel sure.” He paused and looked away. “I just don’t understand why you didn’t tell me. I mean, I had to find out from Jax that a guy died at one of your sessions, and you thought it was your fault?” Rayne stared at me intently. “Sadie, that’s a huge deal. I know you, that had to be eating you up inside. And yet, you told Jax and not me. Why? Why didn’t you tell me?”
My eyes squeezed closed. “I don’t know, okay? I mean, I just didn’t want to talk about it.”
“So you ran off and told Jax instead?” Rayne accused. “Don’t get me wrong, Jax is a great guy, but I’m... I’m...” He trailed off as if he wasn’t sure how to finish the sentence anymore.
My eyes softened and I took Rayne’s hand, compelling him to look at me. “You, Rayne Stevens, are the most important person in my universe. Don’t ever forget that.”
Rayne gazed back at me, as if trying to decide if he believed me. “If that’s true, then why don’t you feel like you can talk to me? Shouldn’t I be the first person you tell these kinds of things to? I don’t think you understand how much it hurt me that you confided in Jax instead of me.”
My eyes fell. “I’m sorry. I guess I didn’t realize.” Then, I glanced back up. “But just so you know... I wasn’t planning on telling anyone at all. Jax pretty much forced the information out of me until I was balling my eyes out. It wasn’t exactly pleasant.”
“I guess that’s understandable, but it’s more than that. It just seems like,” Rayne paused and looked away, “like you’ve been a little distant lately. I want you to feel like you can talk to me.”
“I do feel like I can talk to you,” I insisted. “It’s just... I guess I knew you would worry too much if I told you what really happened.”
Rayne’s jaw clenched. “Of course I would worry, Sadie. I have a right to worry. I’m your boyfriend.”
I growled quietly under my breath. “But I don’t want you to worry. Not about me, not about anything. It feels like all you ever do is worry.”
Rayne threw up one hand. “How could I not worry when you’re passing out ten times a day? Even in Banya you don’t heal like everyone else. Sometimes it takes you hours to wake back up again. Like last night with Voss... that was just... did you know you slept for over sixteen hours after that? That felt like an eternity to me.”
My lip started to shake. “I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry that I make you worry all the time. But that doesn’t mean you have to coddle me twenty-four-seven, day in and day out. You baby me so much that it feels like you don’t think I can handle anything on my own. It doesn’t even feel like you believe I can become an agent.”
Rayne squinted and shook his head. “What? Why would you think that?”
“I’ve seen the kids at the Academy. They’re a hundred times more prepared to become an agent than I am. I want more than anything to become a Keeper, where I can use my abilities to help people all the time, but I’m seriously scared I’m going to fail. What if I can’t handle the stress of the Academy, or of being an agent at all? And you’re so overprotective of me. It seriously makes me think that you don’t believe I can do it either.”
Rayne shifted toward me in his seat. “Of course I believe you can do it. I’m so sorry. I never meant to make you think you weren’t good enough for the Academy. I think you’re going to be a great agent.”
I pursed my lips. “You thought my idea to go visit Heather was a huge mistake. You wouldn’t even let me leave the house by myself.”
Rayne closed his eyes and ran his hand through his hair. “Well... it just didn’t seem like a well-thought-out plan, but that doesn’t mean I think you’re completely incapable of succeeding in the future. You have to understand, I’ve been an agent for years. I’ve already finished my training. You can’t expect to know everything before you’ve even started classes. Why is it so hard for you to let me help you?”
I leaned my forehead in my hand. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s just because, lately, it feels like your entire life revolves around me. I mean, what about all the goals you talked about before we came to Banya, all the plans you had to be an agent again, like you were always meant to be, but you’re not doing any of that. I mean, are you ever planning to go back to work as a Keeper?”
“Of course I am,” he said. “Right now the timing just isn’t right. If I go back to being a Keeper I’ll hardly ever see you. And you’ve been going through so much lately, I just want to be here for you. Is that such a bad thing?”
I smiled at him sadly. “I love that you want to be here for me, I really do. But, the last thing I want is to be the reason why you don’t follow after your own dreams.”
Rayne’s mouth curved upward. “There’s going to be plenty of time for me to get out there again. And when I do, I’m hoping you’ll want to be right there beside me.”
I paused. “I do... it’s just... I think I’ll always be wondering if you want to go on missions with me because you love to be with me, or because you’re worried I’ll mess up or get hurt or something.”
Rayne threw up his hands in frustration. “Sadie, when are you going to realize that letting people love and support you is not a sign of weakness? The last thing I want to do is push you away, but you have to understand that
if we’re going to be together, then I’m always going to want to protect you. That’s just who I am. You have to accept it. If you can’t handle that, then maybe we aren’t meant to be together at all.”
His words stung through me. Rayne’s essence was hot with frustration. I could sense every limb in his body go tense.
Tears welled in my eyes. “Don’t say that,” I cried. “That’s not what I meant.”
He shook his head. “I just don’t know what to do to make you happy. Do you want me to leave? Will that make you happy?”
My entire body started to shake. “No,” I cried again.
“Then, talk to me,” Rayne pressed. “Stop pushing me away.”
The tears flooded down from my eyes. “I can’t,” I sobbed. “It hurts too much. I can feel it. I don’t want to hurt you.” I stared at him deeply, my lips continuing to shake. “That’s why I can’t tell you things; that’s why I can’t confide in you. All the stress and worry... I can feel it hurting you.”
Rayne jerked off the chair to face me on the edge of the bed. His hands gripped my arms. “Sadie, I don’t understand. What are you trying to say?”
I let out another sob. “I just can’t take it,” I went on. “I can feel your pain. I can feel your heartache. And it’s my fault. I can’t live with myself, knowing I’m causing you pain. Ever since we moved to Ambrosia, ever since I started developing these powers inside me, my bond to you has grown so strong that I can literally feel what you’re feeling. Can’t you see? All of your stress and worry comes from me.”
Rayne shook his head frantically, his eyes filled with pain. “Don’t cry,” he urged.
He pulled on my arms, willing me toward him. “Come here,” he said. He took me in his arms and ran one hand down my hair. “I’m so sorry, Sunshine. I didn’t know. I’m so sorry.”
He held me for a long moment, hushing my fears.
“It’s not your fault,” he whispered in my ear. None of this is your fault.”
I pulled back and stared into his eyes. “I just don’t want to hurt you anymore.”
Rayne’s hands caressed the sides of my face. “You are not hurting me, do you understand? The stress and worry I feel is caused by everything else around us, but not by you. You are what gives me the strength to keep going, to keep moving forward.”
The tears slowed, but my voice was still weak. “I just can’t stop thinking that if you just went back to being a keeper and spending more time with your family that you wouldn’t have to worry so much about me. I want you to be happy, and I feel I’m always keeping you from the things you love the most.”
Rayne gazed at me intently. “But you are the thing that I love most, Sadie. And if you can feel all my stresses and pains, then you must be able to feel my love too. I love you more than anyone or anything I have ever loved before. That far outweighs any frustration or heartache that comes along with it.”
“But it hurts you so much,” I pled.
“Listen to me,” he insisted. “You have to let me feel the hurt and the pain, okay? I want to feel it. I know that’s hard for you to take, and honestly, that only makes me want to feel it more. Sadie, that’s what people do for the ones they love. We share each other’s struggles and heartache. We help carry each other’s burdens.”
I couldn’t help but whimper as I shook my head. “But I feel like I’m the one always giving the pain, and you’re always the one having to carry it.”
Rayne took my hand and held it tightly. “I know,” he said soothingly. “I know. But you have to know it’s not your fault. I have no idea why the universe has chosen you to take on all these overwhelming, magnificent things. All I know is that it’s my purpose to be there for you through every minute of it. My purpose is to shoulder your pains, to carry your burdens. You have to let me fulfill that purpose. I need you to let me do that for you.”
“But, I want a chance to carry your burdens too,” I protested.
“Don’t you see it?” he said. “You already do. Every time I see your face, every time you hold my hand... you are lifting my burdens.”
I smiled back at him appreciatively. His words were like a blanket of warmth around my heart.
“And it’s not just me,” Rayne continued. “It’s pretty much everyone you ever come in contact with.”
I sat back, confused. “What do you mean?”
Rayne squeezed my hand. “Other people can feel your light too.”
“My light?” I questioned.
“Sadie, it radiates from you. You have... this glow. This power... like brightness from your soul. It’s hard to describe, but there’s no denying it.” Rayne leaned toward me. “I don’t want to put any extra pressure on you,” he said, “I just think you need to realize that you’re special, Sadie. I feel like my most important purpose is to help you figure out and accomplish whatever it is that you’re meant to do with these abilities that have been given to you. I do believe in you, Sadie. I believe in you more than you could ever know.”
I gazed back at him in awe. I could feel the truth of his words deep within my soul.
“The truth is,” Rayne went on, “this whole time that we’ve been out here on this mission, I wanted to believe that I was protecting you, but in reality, I think you were the one protecting all of us.”
30. RETURN
Rayne Stevens had to be the best boyfriend in existence, at least for me he was. He always seemed to know the right thing to say, right when I needed it the most. Sure, our relationship wasn’t perfect, and neither were either of us, but we always seemed to figure it out together.
After we had our talk, Rayne and I went downstairs to eat our dinner with Jax. I couldn’t believe how okay with everything Jax seemed to be. I thought he might feel awkward around Rayne and me, but he seemed to bounce back like a champion. He truly was an amazing friend. I only wished, for his sake, that more people in Banya could see him that way, instead of immortalizing him as some kind of demigod.
After dinner, I fell asleep again. I must have pushed myself to the very brink the night before with Voss because I was still exhausted.
When I woke the next morning, Jax said his goodbyes, leaving Rayne and I to have some time alone before we returned to Banya. At first Rayne wanted me to go back right away, but I reminded him that we had learned through my last session at the testing center that I didn’t heal any faster on Ambrosia than I did on Earth. For whatever reason, my healing abilities now worked completely independent of the Healing Water or the Sacred Pool. They seemed to have little to no effect on me.
Plus, I was in California, and I wasn’t ready to leave yet. Orion must have been busy taking care of Voss because he didn’t send anyone to check up on us. I had to take advantage of the situation while I could. As soon as I got back to Banya, Orion would probably put me under house arrest at the Academy. And even if he didn’t, the chances of me getting permission to come back to California again were minimal, at least until I graduated and became a Keeper. This would be my last chance to see my old home for at least four straight years.
After another good night’s rest, I finally had my strength back. Rayne was such a sweetheart. He had breakfast-in-bed waiting for me when I woke up. After we ate he even agreed that I should get in touch with Heather to make sure and see her before we had to leave. Heather already had plans with her family in the morning, so she wouldn’t be able to meet up until afternoon. That gave Rayne and I a good part of the day to spend together.
First and foremost I wanted to go home to Newport Beach. The closer we got to all of my old favorite places, the more the nostalgia set in. Even though it had been less than two months since I’d been away, the separation felt like an eternity.
We drove all around through Huntington and Newport Beach, reliving the moments from my past. Summertime was in full swing and the beaches were crowded with locals and tourists alike. I kept my window rolled down and took in the salty breeze. It brought back such feelings of comfort and familiarity.
I took it all in with a sense of peace. I missed this place so much; it was hard to remember why I left in the first place.
But deep down, I knew. I had an important purpose to fulfill.
I didn’t think about that now, though. Instead, I allowed the calm, California sunshine to wrap around me. Reminding myself how lucky I was to come back here at all.
There was one thing that wasn’t quite the same as we took in the familiar sites. To me, the sky in California was now purple, just like in Banya. When I asked Rayne what he saw, he explained that for him the sky had appeared blue after only a day back in California, as soon as the Healing Water had started to fade from his system. But for me, the California sky would probably never look blue again.
After driving by many of my favorite places, Rayne and I went back to our old street. Rayne’s house sat quiet and vacant, with the quaint white door still hidden behind a yard full of trees. My house looked quiet too. I knew that Rayne had stopped by a few times to pick up some of my belongings, but without my mother’s bright smile or me bounding in after a fun day with friends, the place seemed a little lonely.
“It feels different now,” I said to Rayne as he opened the front door.
The living room looked exactly as I remembered it, yet the feeling inside was so distant.
After wandering through the kitchen and the front rooms, I made my way back to my old bedroom. My hand drifted across my grandmother’s vanity table, remembering all the mornings I had spent there preparing for school. It felt like a lifetime in the past.
I lay down on the bed and stared up at the ceiling, pondering how much my life had changed in such a short time. Rayne came beside me on the bed, leaning on his elbow to gaze at me. He didn’t say anything, but I knew he understood what I was feeling. He rested his hand on my stomach, gently tracing his fingertips across the fabric of my shirt.
“Do you miss it?” Rayne murmured quietly in my ear.
I turned my head toward him on the pillow. “Sure. Of course I do.”
Flood Rising (The Water Keepers, Book 4) Page 25
