by Nicole Trope
After he had hit Liz.
He didn’t start out wanting to hit her. He wished he could explain that to her so that she understood. He started every day hoping to be a better husband and a better father. He wanted to be a better man but some days it felt like the world was conspiring against him. He would be running late for work and then he wouldn’t be able to find a parking spot and then he would finally get in to find he’d missed a deadline because someone had told him the wrong date and then he would cop shit from everyone else on the project. By the time the day ended all he wanted was a bit of peace. He looked forward to a clean house and a good meal and some quiet time with his wife. And then he opened the door and everything was a mess and Liz was pissed off because he was home late and she would just sit there and not say anything to him and he would get so hot he wanted to lie in a bath of ice. He would feel the heat rushing through his body, going into his hands and feet, and he would feel burned by the anger he was experiencing.
Afterwards he would always have to apologise but that was okay because afterwards he felt in control and at peace. Afterwards he could be a better man.
It wasn’t like he was some loser who hit women for fun. He had never hurt a woman before Liz.
Well, there had been that silly bitch before Liz. He couldn’t even remember her name now. It was Sally or Sarah, something with an S. She was a lot shorter than Liz with frizzy red hair. He had kind of liked her hair; it looked like her head was wrapped in flames. Her skin was pure white. She didn’t have any freckles or anything. She was really into herself as well. She kept going on about how she could have been a supermodel if she was taller. She hated the sun. She wouldn’t even go for a walk without covering up every inch of her body. She used to talk about herself constantly, always starting sentences with, ‘Well I think . . .’
‘You think too much,’ he told her once but she just thought he was being funny. She had laughed at him.
They’d had a fight over going to the beach. They had planned to meet friends at two and she was running late.
He hated running late. When he was running late he felt twisted inside. He found it hard to breathe. If someone else was running late he knew, just knew, that they were never coming, that they were lost. He could never be late because then people would think he was lost or not coming at all. He needed people to know that he would always be there.
On the day his mother left he had been the last one at school waiting to be picked up. All the other children had been greeted by their delighted mothers and he had stretched his head towards every car sound he heard, getting more and more panicked as each minute passed and his mother had still not arrived.
The school was mostly empty and the secretary kept coming out of her office to peer at him like he might actually know where his mother was. The bigger children left and some of the teachers left and the quiet began to eat away at Alex. He was only five and he couldn’t help his tears. The secretary was kind. She let him sit on her lap and gave him a biscuit.
Eventually his father turned up.
Not his mother. His father.
If someone was late Alex knew it was possible that he would never see them again.
Besides, it was rude to be late.
Each minute that passed churned his insides a little more.
He had told Sally or Sarah a time half an hour before they actually needed to leave and still she wasn’t ready when he came to get her and then she insisted on waiting twenty minutes just to let the sunblock absorb properly. Alex had felt the rage sneak up on him. Usually it felt like a hot explosion in his stomach that spread outwards but this time he actually thought he was doing fine and then all of a sudden he hated her so much he wanted her to die.
She had been staring at her white skin in the mirror and he had pushed her from behind. It wasn’t a big push but the mirror had cracked and she had a small cut that didn’t even need stitches. It wouldn’t have mattered if she wasn’t so obsessed with her face.
Jesus, the noise she made. It was funny when he thought about it now. Of course the relationship was over but he had never expected her brother on the doorstep.
At first Alex hadn’t even understood what the guy was doing there. He didn’t want to talk about what had happened at all. He had obviously just accepted his sister’s version of events. If he had given Alex a chance, Alex could have told him that women twist things.
Afterwards Alex had needed stitches under his eye and he had a broken arm. Not that he could go to the police. He didn’t need any questions. He told his father he fell down some stairs when he was drunk. He told the hospital the same thing and then he told one of the nurses that he’d been drinking because it was the anniversary of his mother’s death. He told her how his mother had drowned in a boating accident when he was only five years old and the nurse had even cried a little. People preferred the lies.
His father had laughed at the thought of him being so drunk he fell down some stairs. ‘I’ve done that a couple of times myself,’ said Frank and then he had offered Alex a beer.
Frank liked to think of Alex as a real Aussie bloke. It was something he respected. When Alex punched someone at a university party Frank had been almost proud. Alex was small like Frank and they both hated the idea of some other bloke using his height and his strength to intimidate them. Frank didn’t need to know that some seventeen-year-old had beaten him up for hurting his sister.
Alex learned his lesson after Sarah or Sally. He had practised keeping a lid on his rage and after he met Liz he thought he would never need to be angry again.
It hadn’t fazed Liz that he liked things a certain way. She’d been happy to let him organise their dates and take care of things. She’d even managed to get her time issue under control. It had been so good when they first got together; he couldn’t imagine ever being mad at her. But then when Luke came along it felt like she forgot about him.
Once she got all weird and told him she would give her life for Luke.
‘What about me?’ he had asked, but she had just laughed at him. He had wanted to hit her then. He had wanted to hit her so badly he had to sit on his hands. He managed to control it that time but he knew that it was coming.
Liz changed. She turned into someone who didn’t care about him. She was either phoning him every five minutes or pretending he wasn’t there. Greg at work had told him that would happen. ‘They go strange for a few months, mate. Trust me. All you can do is hold on and wait for it to pass.’ Alex had just smiled at Greg, amused that the man thought he could offer advice when his own marriage was in the toilet.
Alex knew Liz loved him but he should always have been the centre of her universe, and after Luke came she wasn’t even interested in sex anymore. The first time he shoved her he hadn’t really been trying to hurt her. Not really. He just wanted to get out of the house and away from her. He had told her he was sorry but he noticed that afterwards she tried really hard to be the kind of wife he needed. She put Luke in his room where he belonged and she got interested in sex again. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her but it did seem to make things better afterwards. It really did.
He knew she was just trying to make him sorry by saying that they needed to be apart. She knew he was the best thing that had ever happened to her.
Women said it was all about you figuring out what you’d done wrong and then apologising but all they really wanted was to break your balls. He’d apologised again and again, hadn’t he? He had tried to make it up to her. He had promised he would see someone to figure out how to control his temper, but what was the point of that if she wasn’t going to come back to him? The shrinks were all full of crap anyway.
He’d had enough of people telling him what to do, of Liz telling him what to do. It was time to take control. Time to show Liz that he couldn’t be pushed around. He would keep his kid as long as he wanted. He would keep him forever if he wanted. Yeah, he liked that idea. He would keep Luke forever. Then he would be the one holding all the cards.
He would be the one who could say when she got to come over and what she got to do with him. If he told the courts what kind of a person she had become they would definitely hand custody over to him. Unless of course they believed all the lies Liz and that mother of hers told.
He liked the idea of being the one in charge of Luke.
Liz would be the one sitting at home with a broken heart trying to figure out the right words to use to make him come back and bring Luke with him. Maybe he would leave with Luke. They could leave the state or the country and start a new life somewhere. He would miss Liz but maybe that’s what he had to do to make her realise how much she loved him. In his heart he knew she really loved him and she was just being difficult right now.
He needed to find a way to take control of the situation. That was the most important thing. Maybe if his father had taken control with his mother she would never have left. Women liked to feel that the man was in charge. He had to make sure that Liz understood that.
‘Daddy, I’m tired now. Can we go home?’
‘We’ll go home in a little while, Luke—go and play some more.’
‘But I’m bored. I want to go home.’
‘Jesus, Luke, quit your whining or I’ll . . .’ Alex stopped when he saw other parents looking. Everyone was always watching. Other mothers looked to see what he would do with his kid and other fathers looked like they were glad Luke wasn’t their problem.
Luke turned on the waterworks and he could feel himself getting really angry but he took a few deep breaths and said, ‘Come on, mate, don’t cry; come on, you’re a big boy. What about a slurpee?’
‘A real slurpee?’
‘Yeah, a real slurpee.’ Alex held on to a laugh. One minute they were covered in tears and snot and the next they were happy. Kids were fucking hilarious.
‘Mum says slurpees is bad for my teeth.’
‘Well Mum’s not in charge today so let’s go and get you one.’
‘’Kay.’
She was always trying to control everything. The poor kid was getting brainwashed by Liz and that mother of hers. It wasn’t right for a boy to be living with two women. A boy needed a man’s influence. There was no way he was going to let his son grow up in a house run by women and turn into some fag. No way was that going to happen.
He handed Luke the slurpee and watched his son’s eyes widen at the cold. It was so funny that he just had to tell Liz.
He forgot about everything else and he just pushed the button. Only Liz would understand how funny Luke could be. The first time they’d given him a lick of an ice cream you would have thought the kid had seen God. He couldn’t open his mouth wide enough for more. He just sat there in his stroller with his tongue hanging out hoping for another lick.
She answered on the first ring. He liked that she was waiting for his call.
‘Hey, Liz,’ he said, trying to keep from laughing as Luke tried to suck up a big chunk of ice.
‘Alex, oh thank God. Where are you? Why haven’t you brought him home?’
Alex felt his laugh dissolve. He hated it when she questioned him like this.
‘Why are you getting crazy? I told you where we were.’
‘Alex, it’s really late now and I’m getting concerned. I need you to bring Luke home now.’
Alex didn’t like her tone.
‘Relax, Liz; I just called to tell you the funniest thing. You wouldn’t believe how funny it is. I got Luke a slurpee and his eyes got all wide and . . .’
‘You got him what? Alex, you know I don’t like him to have junk food. Now he’s going to be mental all night. Just bring him home, okay? Bring him home right now.’
Alex bristled at Liz’s instructions.
‘I’m not bringing him home now, Liz. We’re having fun. Don’t tell me what to do. You’re really going to have to watch your tone when you talk to me. When you come home again we’re going to have to have a little talk about that.’
Liz was silent on the other end of the phone but Alex could hear her breathing—fast, panting breaths like she was trying to stop the words coming out. In the background he heard her mother say, ‘Don’t let him push you, Liz,’ and then Liz spat the words she had been trying to hold back and Alex could feel her rage push at him through the phone.
‘Are you fucking kidding me? Are you completely crazy? I’m not coming home, Alex. Why can’t you get that? It’s like you’re completely delusional. What the fuck is wrong with you? I need to stay away from you. You make me so angry. Just bring him home now. Right now!’
Alex felt a strong pain in his chest. This wasn’t like Liz. What did she mean by saying that she wasn’t coming home? Did she mean she wasn’t coming home forever? Did she mean never?
He stood up straighter, listening to her irate panting on the phone. He wanted to feel taller because he could feel himself shrinking. She was making him small again. She was making him five.
‘I don’t understand, Liz. Do you mean you’re never coming home . . . never?’
‘Fuck yes, Alex, that’s exactly what I mean. I am so sick of trying to get through to you. Bring my son home. Bring him home now, do you understand? I want him home now.’
‘Why are you screaming at me, Liz? I don’t understand.’
‘Bring him home, Alex,’ she said.
‘What do you mean you’re not coming home? You said you just needed time and after last night I thought . . .’
‘Last night was a mistake, Alex, do you get me? It was a mistake. I have no intention of ever coming back. You know that we don’t belong together. I can’t have you hurt me anymore. I just can’t.’
‘But I need you, Liz . . . I told you that. I need you . . . you can’t leave me like my mother did. You just can’t.’
Alex felt his throat constrict, like he was going to cry. She couldn’t be telling him the truth.
‘I’m not your fucking mother, Alex. I’m so sick of hearing about her. Bring him the fuck home or I swear I’ll get the police and they will arrest you and throw you in jail.’
Alex couldn’t breathe properly. This wasn’t how Liz was supposed to talk to him. She had no right to threaten him and yell at him.
‘I don’t like anything that you’re saying, Liz. I don’t like the way you’re talking to me,’ he said very quietly and slowly so that she would understand she was pushing him.
On the other end of the phone he heard her take a deep breath.
‘Look, Alex, I just need you to bring Luke home now, okay? I’m sorry I yelled but I got a little angry. Bring him home now and we’ll talk.’
All she cared about was Luke. She just wanted him to bring her kid home and then get out of her life. She wanted to move on and find another man and have other kids. She wanted to erase him from her life just like his mother had done. Well there was no way he was going to let that happen.
‘Alex,’ said Liz, ‘are you still there? Please just bring him home now . . . just bring him home.’
‘No, Liz,’ said Alex. ‘I don’t think so. I really don’t think so.’
‘Alex, please. He needs to be home with me. He’s going to need dinner soon.’
‘You’re breaking my heart, Liz. Do you know that? You’re breaking my heart.’
‘Alex . . . you need . . .’
‘I wish you knew what this felt like, Liz. I wish you knew how awful it felt to have someone hurt you like this. You should know how this feels, Liz. You need to learn how this feels. You can’t do this to someone and not ever have to feel this.’
‘Alex, just bring him home. Nothing else matters now. Please . . .’
But Alex didn’t let her finish. He ended the call and switched off the phone again.
He sank onto the floor of the arcade.
‘Whatcha doing, Dad?’ said Luke.
‘I’m . . . I’m just sitting, Luke—just sitting.’
‘Can I sit too?’
‘Yeah . . . yeah, you can sit too.’
Luke hunched down next to him and sucked a
t his straw, making gurgling noises as he got to the bottom of the cup.
She wasn’t coming home. He couldn’t believe it. He had done everything right and she still didn’t love him enough to come home.
Suddenly he was so tired he wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep forever. She wasn’t coming home again, not ever.
He sat on the floor trying to work his way through the words. She wasn’t ever coming home again. It was inconceivable. All these months he had known that she would soon be home again. He had known that if he could just say the right thing she would be back in his bed and Luke would be back in his room. Now she had used the word ‘never’.
The floor was sticky and people were walking around the two of them and staring.
Alex stood up even though his legs were shaking.
‘Come on, Luke,’ he said, trying to keep his voice strong. ‘Let’s go for a little drive.’
8
Liz dropped her head into her hands.
Alex in the anger phase swirled through her head.
Alex holding his breath.
Alex clenching his hands into fists.
Alex gathering his rage into a tight ball and nursing it until it could explode.
The image of what he looked like before he lashed out never left her mind. She preserved it for future reference after each encounter so that she would know when it was time to run.
But she never ran.
She just stood there and took what was coming to her. She understood on some level that she was sacrificing herself for her child. She knew that she could never leave the house and leave Luke trapped inside with his raging father. So she just stood there or lay there.
Now she had brought on the rage when she was not there to see the end result.
She could not bear the thought of Luke watching that rage take over his father. She prayed that they would stay in a public place. Alex hated anyone to see him out of control. He was the best man to be with in public, but Liz knew that the wider his smile in front of the world, the harder he hit behind closed doors.
