My voice faded. I wrapped my arms around my waist, cradling my womb and the little spark of life within. Tears welled up from somewhere deep inside, spilling across my cheeks.
“I betrayed Vali to have this baby,” I whispered. “I can’t do that to him. I can’t ask him to live with a child who isn’t his, to look at her face every day and know—”
“Oh, by all the idiots in Asgard.” Loki leaned back in his chair and rolled his eyes dramatically. “Did you even have one single conversation with Vali, or did the two of you just spend all your time fucking?”
My mouth fell open; there was nothing I could do to stop it. “Excuse me?”
“Do you honestly think your husband would be anything but delighted to welcome you back? And to raise your child?”
I tried to close my mouth and failed. I’d been in Asgard for over a month. In all that time, I’d never once stopped to consider how Vali might react to my return. Returning was impossible, so I built a neat little wall in my mind around my old life. It was over and gone.
Loki shook his head. “Honestly,” he muttered, almost to himself.
The door swung open. I gulped, expecting Óðinn’s scowl.
It wasn’t Óðinn.
It was Vali.
CHAPTER FORTY THREE
His hair was pulled back, and his great black robe swirled around his legs. His arms crossed over his chest, holding a bundle of white cloth tight to his body. He raised his golden eyes to meet mine, and the world held still.
I was on my feet before I realized what was happening. Someone was making odd, choked little cries, and it took me a moment to realize it was me. I was crying, or laughing, or some combination of the two. Vali smiled at me. My body flooded with a heat I’d almost forgotten, the kind of white hot rush of arousal and comfort that made me think home. Yes, with him, in his arms. That’s home.
I walked around the table, my legs trembling. Vali shifted, raising the bundle of white cloth in his arms. My breath caught in my throat.
Vali held a baby.
There was an infant in his arms, as tiny and perfect as Caroline’s newborn daughter. The baby had dark hair and light skin, with perfect curving pink lips and little fists squeezed tight against its pudgy cheeks.
“Tell me you wouldn’t take them in,” Loki said.
His voice shot through my chest like a lance. I’d almost forgotten Loki was here. I shot him an irritated glare, then turned back to my husband, standing in the doorway. Vali hadn’t moved.
An uneasy shiver raced down my spine. Vali hadn’t moved at all. I stared at the figure in the doorway. Vali didn’t so much as blink. His shoulders didn’t rise and fall with the rhythm of his breathing. The constant wind off the ocean didn’t twist a single hair on his head. I took a step backward on legs that felt as though they’d just turned to stone.
This wasn’t Vali. My husband wasn’t here, on Asgard, standing in the doorway of his childhood home. This was just some cruel trick.
“You tell me it would matter that you weren’t the mother of that baby he’s holding,” Loki said. “Just tell me you couldn’t open your heart to them. Both of them.”
I tore my eyes away from the vision in the doorway. Loki had his feet on my kitchen table, and his arms crossed behind his head. His eyes sparkled.
“Oh, fuck you,” I breathed. The weight of his cruelty settled on my chest like a stone. “How dare you!”
Loki didn’t respond. He looked like he was struggling not to smile. My hand itched to punch his pale, arrogant face and knock him to the floor.
“How dare you create this...this thing,” I waved my arm at the heartbreaking imitation of Vali standing completely motionless in the doorway. “Just to make a point? Fuck you! You insensitive asshole!”
“Would you turn him away?” Loki arched a delicate eyebrow at me.
“Go to hell,” I spat, sinking back into the kitchen chair. “I don’t know how Caroline can even stand to be around you.”
The corners of his lips twitched up, the exact opposite of the reaction I wanted. “Me neither. But we’re not here to discuss my marriage.”
My shoulders slumped. I leaned forward and dropped my head into my hands as if my body could no longer support its own weight. Seeing Vali again, even just for a moment, and even if it had only been an illusion, left me drained and exhausted. For those few precious seconds before I realized it was all a trick, I had almost felt like my world could be whole again.
Now it was over. I sensed the black weight of my grief and loneliness waiting for me, just outside the ring of candlelight. Or rubbing its shoulders against the window panes, biding its time until Loki vanished, and I was alone again. Only this time, I would be alone forever.
“You’re crying,” Loki observed.
I rubbed my palms across my cheeks, trying to destroy the evidence. “Fuck you,” I said, wishing I could think of a more colorful expletive. Zeke always had at least half a dozen brilliant insults ready to drop at a moment’s notice, but my stupid brain seemed stuck on the f-bomb.
Loki sighed. “You’re going to make me spell it out for you, aren’t you?”
I tried to glare at him, but looking at his face made my vision blur with tears again. He had Vali’s high cheekbones, and Vali’s soft lips.
“If you would accept Vali, with a strange, new baby in his arms, and find it in your heart to love that child—”
“Stop it,” I said. “It’s not just that, and you damn well know it. This child...I mean, my child...she isn’t going to be...normal.”
He laughed softly. “Karen, you married one of the Æsir of Asgard. Surely, you don’t believe Vali expected to have normal children?”
My throat tightened, and my heart fluttered like a hummingbird’s wings. A distant memory resurfaced through the haze of my emotional exhaustion. It was a dream, or what I thought had been a dream. One of the early dreams, back in the pine forest, when Vali and I made love on thick, green moss next to a little stream. Back when I thought Vali was just an expression of my subconscious, a lifeline created by my brain to keep me tethered to this world.
Only we weren’t making love that night. We were talking. Or, more specifically, I was talking. About Meredith. I was describing her perfect little hands, and how long and delicate her fingers looked against her baby blanket. Barry held her tiny fingers and said she’d grow up to be a piano player.
I cried, of course, as I told Vali things I would never once share with another person in the six long years since Meredith’s death. But Vali was crying too, even as he held me to his chest and ran his fingers through my hair. His entire body shook as he mourned the loss of a baby he’d never met. A child who wasn’t even his.
Vali told me once that I had talked about Meredith, and I said I didn’t remember. I don’t think you wanted to remember, Vali had replied.
I bit my lower lip so hard the metallic tang of blood filled my mouth. Why would I want to remember that now?
Loki took his feet off the table, and the front legs of his chair returned to the floor with a resounding bang. He took a deep breath, ran his fingers through his bright red hair, and leaned forward.
“Look. Karen. If you don’t want to go home, fine. But you can’t stay here. Even if Óðinn wanted you here, which he most certainly does not, this is a bad place for you. Surely, you can see that?”
I nodded, too numb to think of a response.
“I can set you up somewhere else. Not Midgard, of course. I think even if you were in the Australian outback, Vali could sense it.” Loki’s eyes drifted to the windows again, and his fingers drummed on the table. “Maybe Jötunheimr. It’s cold, but you’re used to that. I could give you money and land. Set you up as a wealthy widow.”
A thick coil of anxiety wrapped my chest, tightening around my heart. Loki was offering me a fresh start, some safe haven for me to raise my child. Why did it taste like ashes in my mouth?
Loki’s chair scraped the stones of the floor as he pushed back from the table
, coming to his feet. “Well, that’s it,” he said. “Those are your options: home or Jötunheimr. You choose.”
I closed my eyes, burying my head in my hands. My cheeks were hot and damp with tears. That horrible, beautiful vision of Vali in the doorway refused to leave my mind. His smile. The way his eyes danced when he saw me, how his entire face seemed to brighten. And how ready I’d been to fall into his arms. Home, I’d thought.
“I—” I hesitated, trying to swallow. My mouth had gone completely dry. “I’m scared.”
“Karen.” Loki hesitated. I looked up to see a strange expression on his face, one that made me think of Caroline and the baby.
“We are, all of us, scared,” he said.
My entire body shivered, and I pressed my palms against the table, as if I could use the furniture to steady myself. For a heartbeat, as I came to my feet, I seriously thought my legs would refuse to hold me up. Loki waited while I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and then walked to him and took his hand.
“So, what’s it going to be?” he asked. “Love or fear?”
I tried to force my lips into a smile. “You’re right,” I said, my voice cracking. “This isn’t my house. My home is in Montana. With my husband.”
Loki nodded, the air around us shifted—
—And I was staring at a red wall in a dark room. I blinked as my eyes adjusted. It was a familiar red. Sedona Sunset red.
My heart hammered at the cage of my ribs. This was my wall, in my living room, the one I’d painted myself. I turned very slowly. The windows were dark, and my house smelled good, like caramelized onions and spices. Low music drifted from the rectangle of light falling through the kitchen door, and it was suddenly hard for me to breathe.
“Have fun,” Loki whispered. He let go of my hand.
“No,” I hissed. “You can’t just leave!”
Loki grinned at me in the darkness. Then the space beside me was empty, and I was alone in my own living room.
“Hello?” Vali’s voice called from the kitchen.
My legs trembled, and my thoughts scattered like snowflakes. I opened my mouth but no sound came out.
“Loki? Was that you?”
The living room light flashed on, almost blinding me. Something crashed to the floor with a sharp, metallic clang that reverberated around the room. I glanced down to see one of my little saucepans on the floor and burgundy splatters across the carpet.
Vali stood in the kitchen doorway, frozen, his eyes so wide they seemed to take over his face. He gave a sharp, strangled sort of cry, then ran across the room to crush me in his arms. My legs gave out, and I fell against his body. I pressed my head against his neck, breathing in his wild scent, feeling his heartbeat race against my lips. Nothing had ever felt so good. Nothing had ever felt so much like home.
I opened my mouth to explain, or to apologize, but all I was able to say was, “I love you.”
EPILOGUE
“Please tell me it stopped raining,” I said.
I saw Susan’s reflection roll her eyes behind my back. I’d been basically strapped into this seat in the middle of the guest house’s luxury bathroom for damn near an hour while Randy, my hairdresser, struggled to turn my strictly utilitarian haircut into something sexy and romantic.
“Karen, for the hundredth time, it’s not raining,” Susan answered.
“But the weather forecast said seventy percent chance of showers after two—”
“Trust me. It’s absolutely gorgeous out there.”
“Relax,” Randy admonished me, through a mouthful of hairpins.
Sighing, I tried to relax my shoulders before I met Susan’s eyes in the mirror. “You’re sure?”
Susan flicked her hair back in annoyance. “Look, why don’t I go take a picture?”
She stomped out of the room, and Randy made a valiant attempt to turn his laugh into a cough. For the thousandth time, I tried to angle my head just right to catch one of the kitchen windows in the bathroom mirror. Impossible. It could be a freaking hurricane out there, and I’d never know.
“I’m not being a Bridezilla about this, right?” I asked Randy.
“Course not,” he said, this time with a tiny white rose clamped in his lips. He pinned the rose to something in the back of my head and smiled. “But you know what they say about Montana. If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes.”
I closed my eyes, trying to picture clear blue skies. Vali and I picked June because it’s my favorite time of year in Montana; the hills are green, the wildflowers are exploding, and the jagged mountains are still dazzling with snow. I hadn’t even considered the goddamn capricious weather. When we woke up to a gray drizzle this morning, I wanted to scream.
“Can’t we get Loki to fix the weather?” I asked, standing in front of the bedroom’s bay windows and watching the aspen grove where we were supposed to exchange vows in seven short hours. It was surrounded by a haze of mist.
Vali walked up behind me, kissing my neck. “He doesn’t do weather. And besides, I like it.”
“You like rain?” I asked. “On our wedding day?”
His hands dropped to cup the swell of my pregnant belly. “In Asgard, rain during a wedding is considered lucky.”
I turned to face him, catching his grin. “Is that true?”
“Maybe.” He pulled me into his arms. “Is it true I don’t get to see you again until the ceremony?”
“Maybe,” I answered.
“Then you’d better come back to bed now,” he said. “I promise, when I’m done with you, you’ll forget all about the rain.”
I caught my reflection in the bathroom mirror and blushed. I’d been smiling like an idiot beneath the piled curls of Randy’s masterpiece as I remembered how many time Vali made me scream this morning. Thank God I’d insisted on getting my parents a separate cabin.
“And you’re free to stand,” Randy said, tapping me on the shoulder. “Just try not to touch it for the next couple of minutes, and it’ll stay fabulous all night.”
I stood, suppressed the immediate urge to touch my hair, and spun to the kitchen widow. A thin scrim of high, white cirrus clouds drifted through a bright blue sky. The aspen leaves flipped and danced in the breeze.
“Oh, thank God,” I sighed.
“She did tell you it wasn’t raining,” Randy said as he packed up his arsenal of supplies.
I opened my mouth to reply, and Susan squealed from behind me.
“Oh, you look fantastic!” she said. “Turn around, look!”
Randy and Susan spun me in front of the bathroom mirror so I could examine myself from every angle. My dark hair spilled from the rose-bedecked swirls on top of my head into an avalanche of tight ringlets that reached to my shoulders.
“Wow,” I said. “This looks even better than the first time I got married.”
Randy nodded appreciatively, and I told myself to send him an enormous tip first thing tomorrow. Or, maybe not first thing.
Susan giggled. “Your mom’s got the dress in the bedroom. You ready?”
I nodded, trying to ignore the flutter of nerves in my chest. We were already married, for God’s sake. Why the hell was I nervous?
My wedding dress was easy to put on, at least with two grown women helping me. I worried it wouldn’t fit perfectly; my last meeting with the seamstress was almost a month ago, and my pregnant belly had grown considerably since then. But the dress fit just right, tight across the stomach and chest with an eruption of white lace below my waist. I told myself to send an extra tip to the seamstress, too. Second thing tomorrow morning. Or third.
“Oh, you look so lovely!” My mom’s voice trembled. Her eyes were wide and shiny, almost as if she were—
“Mom, are you crying?” I couldn’t believe it. My stoic New Englander parents are not given to many displays of emotion.
Her cheeks reddened, and Mom dabbed at the corners of her eyes. “I’m just happy for you, dear.”
I turned back to Susan, figuri
ng I’d give my mom a minute to collect herself. “And the flowers?”
Susan gave me a thumbs-up. “All set. Your bouquet is down there, with your dad.”
“The music?” I asked, frantically trying to think of anything else I may have missed.
Susan wrapped her arms around my shoulders, somehow managing to give me a hug without touching my hair. “Shut up,” she whispered. “Everything is fine. Just enjoy yourself.”
My stomach fluttered again as I turned back to the mirror, checking my lipstick. Now that I was wearing it, the dress felt slightly ridiculous. Barry Richardson and I had gotten married at the courthouse. I hadn’t even worn white. I don’t think his parents ever forgave me for depriving them of an opportunity to throw a huge wedding gala.
This wedding had been Vali’s idea.
“Don’t you mortals have a custom of celebrating a marriage with a ceremony?” he’d said.
His eyes had danced as he asked that question, and I guessed he knew all about weddings. It had only been a week, or perhaps not even a week, since Loki had dropped me, without warning, into the middle of my own living room.
“Perhaps,” I said. “Why? Do you want a wedding?”
His smile widened. “Of course I want a wedding! Do you think we can pull it off before the little one shows up?”
He ran his hands over the tiny but growing lump in my belly as he spoke. Damn it all, I thought, Loki had been right. Vali hugged me so tight it almost hurt when I told him I was pregnant. When I asked if he would want to be the father to my child, he’d said he was hurt I felt like I even had to ask.
“You do look amazing,” Susan said, pulling me back to reality. “And so does the aspen grove. Everything is perfect, I swear. Ranger’s honor.”
Tears started to well in my own eyes, and I blinked them away. “Thank you.”
I hugged Susan, then my mom, then both of them at the same time. Someone coughed from the doorway, and Susan gave me a conspiratorial little smile.
“We’ll see you down there,” Susan said, taking my mom’s hand and leading her from the room.
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