by KL Donn
“Then you have to let him go,” I try to reason.
I feel his body tense. Anger ripples through him with the speed of a race car. It’s in this moment, I realize how dangerous Crux truly is. How unstable he can be.
I should be terrified.
After everything that has happened to me, I should be running for the hills. Locking him out of my life. But I know, deep inside, Crux Malcolm is no danger to me in any other way than breaking my heart. To some, that could almost be enough to make them leave. For me, if that’s all he does, I can accept that. “You’ve saved me once, Crux, you’ve sacrificed enough. Don’t do it again. Please, not for me.”
Pushing up onto his elbows, his dark stare meets mine. The stark emotion matches my own in ways I didn’t think anyone would understand. His protective instincts will always be forefront in his personality, and I can accept that. I can accept so much, but not this, not the risk of his life for mine. It’s a tradeoff I’m not willing to concede to.
“For you.” His words are rough, as if they’re being ripped from his chest. “I’ve waited so long for you, Ren, I won’t fuck this up.” When his lips touch mine tentatively, tears I’ve been trying to hold back all day finally break free.
Crux is such a hard man. Volatile in every sense of the word. But with me, I’m treated like glass. Fragile, precious. With him, I feel like I’m worthy for a little while, and the darkness that’s always lurking in the back of my mind creeps away, and light begins to shine through.
“Thank you,” I whisper. There’s much more meaning behind the words than I could possibly explain.
“I’ll do anything for you, little bird.” I know he means it. Slowly pushing up to stand, I shiver as the cool air hits my body. When I go to cover myself, confused as to why I’m not afraid of him seeing me, he growls, and I stop.
It’s not an aggravated growl, more of a possessive one. Like he’s insulted I would dare to cover up what I now see his eyes are eating up. “You don’t hide from me, Ren. Not ever.” He punctuates his statement by adjusting his manhood, and I gasp at the size of him.
With my past, I should be frightened of everything he represents, but I’m not. I know deep in my heart that Crux Malcolm is my saving grace.
Chapter Five
crux
I waited until Farren fell asleep before I left her alone. I made a promise, and while I’m not one to normally break them, I’m not sure I can let what Ben did go. The way she looked at me when I pulled her from the tub. Complete desolation.
What he did today ruined her in ways I’m not sure I’ll understand or even be able to fix. Farren has been destroyed by that family, and while I fixed one problem, I know I have to fix this one, too. Ben only targeted her because of my sins. I won’t allow her to pay the price for it.
“She okay?” Crew asks as I enter the garage where he’s sitting on a bench texting, pocketing the device as I answer.
“Not even a little bit.”
He stands and walks over to me. A look in his eye that hints he’s about to boss me around. “Revenge isn’t going to fix her.”
“I’ll feel better, though.”
“She won’t. She’ll fuss and worry. She’ll cry and sink deeper into the hole that’s eating her alive already. I see it, Crux. You can’t because you’re so damn enamored with her. But she’s drowning.” I listen because the addict in me recognizes the truth I’m not seeing. “Let me and Cross do this. You’re guilt-free, you don’t lie to her, and for tonight, she has peace. Just one night of serenity will show her every promise you’re trying to make will come true.”
Fuck. “When did you get so sentimental?” Crew has been a manwhore since the first pussy he sunk into. Witnessing this softer side to him is strange as fuck.
A look crosses his face that I don’t recognize before he becomes a blank slate again. “Just because I indulge doesn’t mean I’m blind, man.” He tries to joke, but I see something’s eating at him. Before I can ask, the garage door rolls up, and Cross is getting out of his car.
“Found him.” He beams like he discovered the tooth fairy or something.
“Let’s go, then.” Crew walks forward, and I remain where I am because as much as I’d like to beat the little bitch to the moon and back, Farren is my priority, and Crew made a lot of valid points.
“You not coming, bro?”
I shake my head. “Got a girl to take care of, man.”
“Cool.” He looks worried. “We got this. Boy’s gonna be singing soprano for a month.” He laughs as they pull away, and silence reigns supreme around me.
The sound of screaming draws my attention next door and the dilemma that is her mother. The woman’s been a whore for as long as she’s lived here, only she hid it from her husband.
Walking over to the front of her house, I see a car in the driveway that isn’t Leslie’s, and I know she’s ‘entertaining’. Twisting the doorknob, I push the door open and quietly close it behind me. I don’t care about being caught. I only want to collect Farren’s things so she’s comfortable at my house.
I plan to have her stay with me as long-term as she’ll let me. Snorting at the thought, because I’m not fooling anyone, I don’t plan to let her leave at all. Not really, anyway. She has school. I don’t know if she plans to work or not. I won’t stop Farren from having a life, so long as I’m also part of said life.
“Well, well, well. Look who we have here.” A sense of déjà vu overwhelms me as I turn on the third stair up and see Leslie standing in the entrance to the living room in nothing but an open robe. Her makeup is running down her face, graying hair plastered to her head, and the aroma of sex fills the air. After hearing the screams a few minutes ago, it’s not hard to decipher what she has been up to.
“Not here for you, Warner.” My comment is snide as I leave her to fume, knowing damn well the use of her last name is meant as an insult. Her pomp and priss don’t scare, nor fool me.
“What do you want then?” I hear her call, but I ignore the vile woman’s question. I don’t know the true nature of her relationship with Farren, only a gut feeling I have when I’ve seen them together. I think the older woman loves my girl on some level, but she isn’t emotionally mature enough to take care of herself let alone another human who is solely dependent upon her. I may just have to find out what the fuck happened to Farren’s father.
“Tell me, Leslie, did you give her to him? Did he ask permission? Did you even fucking care that the man you slept beside every fucking night for years abused your only child?” The rage threatens to consume me again and just as I think my words register and I see a tear in her eye, Leslie turns and storms off. Completely ignoring every question I threw at her.
Farren deserves to have someone love her unconditionally. She needs that influence in her life. My folks were always encouraging. When Mom was alive, she made sure we wanted for nothing. We always knew her love for us. Even now, fifteen years later and many forgotten memories, her love has had a lasting impression on me.
If it weren’t for my mother, I don’t think I’d be as obsessed with Farren as I am. I sure wouldn’t have recognized the feelings for her that are growing by the minute. Simply being away from her makes me ache in ways nothing previously has. Without her in the same space as me, even now, only a hundred feet from her, I feel an emptiness deep inside. A need to be with her, touch her, fills me with an aggressive hunger.
Fuck.
What the hell am I going to do when she’s back in school tomorrow?
Farren
Disgust. Shame. Rage.
They filter through me with each slide of his fingers. Every hot puff of air on my crawling flesh like a disease.
I. Hate. Him.
I loathe the beating heart still embedded in my chest. The blood pumping through my veins. Fire dances behind my lids as I squeeze them shut tightly to the sounds of his fist working his pleasure out.
I count backwards from one thousand, that’s how long it usually lasts. Ho
w long he stays. Touches. Feels.
One thousand seconds is how long I wish I could soak in gasoline with a lit match.
“Farren!” His scream makes me vomit, but I can’t move. I lay frozen in his mess, in my filth.
I lay broken. Bleeding sweat I wish were blood.
I lay crying, too scared to move in fear that he’ll come back.
“Ren? Bird, come back to me.” A soft voice calls through the murky waters in my brain, and for a small moment I wonder, is he my freedom? “Come on, Farren, wake up for me.”
“Please, don’t,” I cry out and throw my sweat, tear, and vomit covered body onto the floor. Panic consumes me knowing that just because it was a nightmare, doesn’t make it less real.
I lived it.
For years, it was my reality.
“I hate this.” I cry into the blanket balled in my fists as I sit in the small space between Crux’s bed and the nightstand next to it.
His dark head hangs between his thighs as my labored breathing continues to sound like a saw. He doesn’t say anything; he doesn’t watch me.
Crux waits.
For me.
For what I need and when I’m ready.
For that, I couldn’t be more grateful, but it’s not what I need. What I need I can’t possibly put to voice. Once he knows all that Jeffrey did to me, he’ll leave with nothing but disgust in his loving stare. If he knew what I needed, he’d hate me.
“You should have left me,” I whisper.
“Left you?” His voice is hoarse like he’s been screaming for hours.
“In the tub. You should have left me.”
His head lifts then, and the seething wrath that greets me has me scooting back farther, even if the wall at my back doesn’t allow for movement.
Crux stands, but he doesn’t move. His body is loose, his chest barely fluctuates as the air expels from his lips. Without a word, Crux storms from the room, and any hold I had on my emotions breaks as tears flow down my face and heavy sobs rack my entire body.
I did this. It’s my fault. He shouldn’t have to deal with who I am.
Crux
A burning inferno festers just below the surface of my skin, waiting to be set free. I thought witnessing it almost happen was bad, suspecting to what extent was worse.
Her pain, though? The anguish in her sobs. The pure disgust that forced her into vomiting from a fucking nightmare destroyed any illusion of control I thought I had.
“Where are you?” I ask Cross before he can say hello, as I climb into my car. He likely doesn’t know Crew’s thoughts on me coming to give Ben what he deserves, so he won’t talk me out of anything.
The rev of the engine rumbles loud in the hot night air. Squealing tires follow me down the street as I head towards Bayside.
“Little bitch has a nice pool house far enough back from the main house that his parents won’t hear him.” Cross laughs as I hear a grunt in the background. My brothers are crossing a line I never should have allowed. This is my fight.
“I’ll be there in ten,” I tell him after he recites the address and I toss the phone on the seat next to me. Not a care for the speed limit or anything around me as I swerve through the streets in the ritzy neighborhood. Seeing Cross’ car parked in front of a house three doors down from Ben’s, I park behind him and leave the vehicle before the engine has settled.
Gazing up at the house where the man who sent me to prison is sleeping, I briefly debate heading inside before I remember Ben is the reason my little bird came home in tears today.
Ben is the reason Farren tried to drown herself.
Climbing over the locked fence, I land with a thud on the grass and quickly make my way to the building Cross said they were in.
Knocking on the door lightly, I wait for it to open. Crew’s stunned face greets me before it grows stormy with anger. “What the fuck are you doing here?” he snaps, pulling me through the door and closing it again.
Ben is sitting in a chair, bruised face, blood dripping from his nose, and I feel no remorse. He’s eighteen now, an adult. I don’t care that he’s still in school. He should have known better than to prey on my addiction.
“You touch little girls, too, Ben?” My balled fist lands a harsh blow to his gut, and he doubles over.
“Shit,” Cross mutters.
“Jesus, Crux.” Crew curses more behind me.
“You play with yourself watching them cry and beg to be left alone?” I snarl, lifting a leg and bringing it down with more power than I thought possible onto his ankle. The bone snapping echoes in the room.
“Fuck!” he screams. “Stop, please, stop.” Tears and snot mix with his blood.
“Farren said that. She begged and pleaded for it. But he never stopped.” I circle him like a panther, waiting to strike. “Are you like him, Ben? Did Jeffrey teach you how to ruin a girl?”
“No,” he whimpers. “He was a disgusting piece of shit.” I’m shocked he admits it.
“So why the fuck are you tormenting her?” I can’t contain the grief I feel for the girl who was so fucking lost and land another hard fist into his gut.
“Because she got away!” he screams, and all three of us freeze.
“Say that again?” Crew growls. I can’t fucking breathe.
Ben sits up, cradling his side and wiping his face with the sleeve of his shirt. “She fucking got away from it. She’s free. Farren doesn’t have to live with her monster.”
I think I might be sick.
“Are you saying…” Cross has to pause to catch his breath. “Your fucking father touches you?” The blood has drained from his face.
“This”—Ben swipes his hand up and down his body—“is nothing compared to what he does to me. For fucking years.”
“I’ll kill the son of a bitch.” Before I can turn to leave, Cross and Crew are holding me back from leaving. “Fucking let me go!” This sick fucking family needs to burn in hell.
“You need to think about your girl, bro. You’re no fucking good to her rotting in prison again,” Crew snaps, his fury just as fierce as my own.
“I am thinking about her. She’s all I think about. Her agony, her fierce desire to be free. It’s all I fucking think about.”
“What about her needs?” Cross asks, and I glare at him. Did I not just say that? “She needs you, man. Free. Here. She needs to know you’re going to be around, now. Present with her. Not behind fucking bars because you’re a goddamned hot-headed bastard. Pull your shit together and take your ass home.” He pushes away and shakes his head at me.
“Go take care of your girl. We’ll get the kid to the hospital and work out how to expose this fucked up family,” Crew says, letting go of my other arm and moving to help Ben to his feet.
Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck!
I take a step closer to the trio, and I snap, “You fuck with her again, and I won’t hesitate to break your other ankle, we clear?”
“Crystal,” Ben grits out.
I have to walk away, or the desire to knock his lights out will take control again. Just because he was abused, never gave him the right to torment Farren the way he did. She’s a victim just as much as he is.
Fuck.
I left her. My emotions got the best of me, and I didn’t know how to process everything. How to accept the fact she wanted me to leave her in the tub.
I couldn’t let her life slip away. Not for anything.
And you fucking left her alone. Smart one, idiot.
Motherfucker!
Chapter Six
farren
He left.
Just like everyone else. Crux is gone. I thought he would stay; I truly did. After hearing his car drive away, the anger in the revving of the engine and squealing of the tires, I still expected him to come back.
Stand up, Farren. Brush yourself off.
My eyes pop open at the voice. I haven’t…she hasn’t…shit.
With everything that happened with Jeffrey, I used to talk to myself inwardly.
I had to. I’ve always been my own worst enemy. Developing a rapport with myself was crucial to my sanity. It helped to ease the pain.
As I stand, I realize the crushing misery in my chest is worse than anything that’s come before it. I always thought of myself as a survivor. Sure, I was a victim, but I had pulled through.
Yeah, with the help of a savior.
He. Left. I argue.
Story of my life, I suppose. First my father, then slowly my mother—even though she’s physically here, she’s not really. She only cares about herself.
Not for the first time in my life, I feel lost. An unequivocal feeling of despair threatens to take me under. Crueler than any time before. I know letting my mind wander into the darkness isn’t healthy, and if I could stop it, I would. In a heartbeat.
I have the urge to run. Grab the bag I saw Crux had brought over and just leave. The problem is, I have nowhere to go. I don’t want to go home, but maybe that’s all I have left for me.
Brush. Yourself. Off.
That inner voice is a bit fiercer than I remember.
Exactly. Listen to me.
Maybe I should? Maybe, he was angry. Maybe, he’s coming back.
You fool, what else does he need to prove to you?
I could stay. What’s the worst that could happen? He rejects me. I’m an old hat with rejection. I’ll get through it. I have to.
Don’t be a pussy.
“Oh, shut up,” I mutter out loud.
“Who you talking to, bird?” I gasp, shocked, and spin on my heel.
“You came back.” My words are barely above a whisper.
Slowly wandering forward, his cold gaze searches the room for whoever I was talking to. “Who were you telling to shut up?” he asks again, and I know it’s truth time. Crux believes he knows all there is to know about me, but he couldn’t be more wrong.
Truth. Now tell him. Maybe I’ll go away again. I can feel the inward sarcastic shrug.
