I whirl around with a t-shirt and bra in hand, and Neil looks down at his feet.
“Your orders? What, is Connor your commanding officer, and are Elle and I really and actually under house arrest?” I snap. “You can’t keep us here all day.”
“It’s what Connor –”
“– would want.” Maybe it’s an overreaction on my part, but I’m standing by my guns this time. If the guys get to do it, then so do I. “I’m not going to run off by myself. I’ll go with you to find him, and Elle can come too if she wants. Or maybe she wouldn’t want to, but she should be given the choice.”
Once I get going, I can’t stop myself. “What are you really afraid of, Neil? You made it sound easy, or was that a lie? Are you expecting a big shoot-out? Or are you more afraid of what Connor will do if he comes back and finds out you didn’t have me locked up 24-7?”
I turn around again so I’m facing away, not caring if he sees my back as I change out of my pajama shirt and put on my bra and shirt. Neil doesn’t say anything in response, and I pause as I hear murmurs from the living room and a door open and close. Huh. Okay, so I probably pissed him off by calling the shots or embarrassed him with my forwardness, but he’ll be back and then we can go from there. Not that I haven’t appreciated his concern, but –
“No, love. Neil was afraid of what it would have done to me if something ever happened to you,” a low voice says.
I spin around, my hand flying to my mouth as a strangled sob comes out of my throat.
Connor.
Connor is standing in the doorway, and he’s looking at me like I’m the last person left in the world.
I run up to him, and he steps into the room and catches me around my waist. His skin feels hot, like he’s been out in the sun forever, and I press up against his heat and throw my arms around his neck. He stares at me with depths of blue layered with need and concern, and oh my God, he’d better kiss me right now.
Please.
Please tell me you’re here right now because you’re mine.
His beautiful lips smile at me before they take me, and I melt into him. His kiss is hard and desperate this time, like he’s dying to have me as much as I’m dying to have him. His hands slide down and run over my silk pajama shorts before lifting me up into his arms, and I know it with a staggering amount of certainty. I know it in my heart.
This is where I belong. With you.
I almost wither when he breaks away from me.
I reach up to touch his face, run my fingers through his hair. Across his shoulders and down his chest. He catches my hands in his and raises them to his lips. His eyes search mine, simultaneously reveal everything about himself and delve into the depths of me.
I whisper. “You’re really here.”
He smiles. “I am.”
I breathe, really breathe for the first time since he left. “Don’t leave me like that again.”
His grip on me tightens. “I won’t.”
I feel more for this man than I ever have for anyone. I lean into him, hugging him to me like I’ll never let him go.
I can’t remember what doubt ever felt like.
“Thanks for your message,” he murmurs into my neck.
I draw back and place my hands on his shoulders, run them down his back. I need to touch him, and I can’t stop.
“You’re kind of a jerk for not calling me back,” I say.
“I’m sorry. I wanted to surprise you. Thanks for ruining it.” He smirks and traces my lips with a fingertip.
I put my hand over his to still it, not believing his words. “You wanted to surprise me?”
His eyes fill with so much emotion for me that it renders me powerless. “I woke up this morning and heard your message. I called Neil instead of you, and yes, told him not to tell you I was coming back because I wanted to surprise you.”
“Well, it backfired because Neil told me,” I inform him. “And of course I knew you would come back. He also told me what you need to do, and I’m coming with you.”
“I heard. I was in the garage, and I heard everything.” His eyes twinkle, and he shakes his head. “Obviously I went about this all wrong. I should have consulted with you ahead of time to make sure it would work out.”
“Obviously. You need to keep me part of things.” I shoot him a look of disapproval. “What were you even thinking?”
He grins at me and shoots back, “What did I ever do with my fucking life before I met you?”
I don’t answer him, just take his hand in mine and press it against my heart. I’ve never felt so strongly for anyone before, and now that I have it, I’m asking myself the same question. And now that he’s back, I think that I know I can’t stay away from him. We’ll figure out how to make it work. I believe it because I want it more than anything.
“I don’t know. But that doesn’t matter anymore, I don’t think.” I still need to finish getting dressed, and I tear myself away from him. I slip out of my pajama shorts and get into my skirt, loving how he watches me.
“Well? Are we gonna go finish this, or what?”
Connor has to have driven way too much in the past twenty-four hours, but we pile into the car without even a question of who’s going to be behind the wheel. Maybe Connor was the one in command when he and Neil served together after all.
I call shotgun out of habit more than anything else, almost reneging because it means Neil has to squeeze together with Elle in the back seat. No one objects, though, and I listen to the two of them banter back and forth and decide that it’s okay.
I glance over at Connor as he takes us to an address just east of Vegas, in Henderson. He looked it up on his GPS as soon as we got into the car but his eyes are completely focused on the road now. I watch out of the corner of my eye as the dot on the screen moves closer to the starred destination, like a lit fuse that’s steadily shortening. Like time slipping away.
“I can always transfer, you know,” I say.
He looks over at me. “What?”
“I can transfer schools. There’s nothing special about pre-nursing requirements that I can’t do them anywhere.” He’s looking at the road again, and I’m hoping it’s because traffic is bad. “I’m not saying I’m necessarily deciding now, just mentioning it as an option.”
He brakes a little too hard behind a stopped line of cars, and Neil and Elle’s conversation dies down as we all pitch forward.
Connor turns to face me, his gaze blazing into mine. “You’d do that? What about your parents? Your life back in New York?”
“People move away from their parents all the time,” I say quietly. I’m pretty sure Elle and maybe even Neil are eavesdropping hard, but I don’t care. I pause to catch my breath, my next words coming out in a rush. “Of course I need to see how my mom’s recovery is going to look. But besides them, my life in New York doesn’t have anyone in it worth staying for. Maybe I’ll wait until the end of the month to decide.”
The entire car is silent until a horn sounds from behind us, and Connor has to look ahead as traffic starts moving again. There’s more color in his cheeks, and he might be breathing slightly harder than normal.
“You can decide sooner than that if you want,” he finally says. “End-of-month deadlines never seem to work out for me.”
He actually said that. He’s indirectly telling me he wants me, and the hope inside my chest threatens to explode. “What about your life? Would me being here mess things up?”
He reaches over and takes my hand, his fingers closing around mine. Shitty traffic or no shitty traffic, he turns to look at me again, and the amount of emotion in his eyes is heart-stopping. “I thought we agreed. I need to keep you part of my life.”
“Okay. I’ll look into what’s involved when we get back.”
“What?” Elle screeches from the back seat. “Are you for real thinking about moving out here? Omigod, you guys!”
I catch her look of utter shock from the back seat, but I’m flying too high to say anyt
hing. Connor shoots me a lopsided grin that’s thoroughly contagious, and it’s crazy that I’m smiling so hard considering what we’re driving out to do right now. But I’d wanted to tell him, wanted to bring it up while I thought of it. If I learned anything over the past few weeks, it’s that you need to listen to your heart. But you have to act on it, too. Because sometimes you lose the opportunity, and you’re damned lucky if you can get it back.
We didn’t say anything about living arrangements and of course if I wind up doing this, I’d need a job to pay for my expenses. But those are just details. Details I can handle. Details are easy.
I check the GPS again and see that we’re almost there. My heart stops for a second again but for completely different reasons.
“All right.” Connor clears his throat, and his tone is all business. “I’ll drop myself off at the house, you follow. Neil, I need confirmation that your guy still has Cruz’s location.”
At first I think he’s talking to me, and I totally panic. We’re dropping Connor off? I don’t like the sound of this, but I’m also not in control of this situation. Connor is, and I hope it stays that way even when he’s with whatever gang connection this house belongs to in Henderson.
Neil speaks up from the back seat. “Just did. Cruz is at the bar at his hotel, having lunch with some lowlife collector. We should be good, but my guy will contact me the second he makes a move.”
Connor nods and gives my hand a quick squeeze before releasing it. “Are you ready for this?”
I start. I’d wanted to come, but that’s not really a question I can answer. How can anyone be ready for something like this? “For what? What do you have to do?”
“Don’t worry about what I need to do, love.” His tone isn’t quite as brisk as when he’d spoken to Neil but it’s close. “Can you follow us? Hell, I didn’t even think to ask – do you even know how to drive? I know not everyone from New York does, but Elle can drive if you –”
“Hold up. Yes, I know how to drive, and you’re probably thinking about people from New York City. But me, drive?” I stare at him, trying to comprehend but failing, half an eye on the GPS that says that we’re right around the corner from this gangster’s house.
He nods. “Neil was originally going to drive, but now he can come with me as my backup. It’s easy, love. Everything’s arranged. They have no reason to try to lose you. You’re just following with my car.”
“In case you do lose us, I’ll text Elle here with the address,” Neil says helpfully.
Okay. Okay, I can handle this. I nod mutely as Connor pulls in front of a small stucco house. He leans over and kisses me, his hand cupping my cheek, his tongue caressing mine way too briefly before he pulls away.
“See you in a few minutes.” He touches my chin and gets out of the car.
I nod again even though he’s already walking up to the house, and my voice might be in the giant vortex in my stomach. I don’t know.
“Omigod,” Elle whispers as Neil gets out and shuts the door with a boom that shakes the whole car. “This is totally crazy. You okay to drive, Alex? Want me to?”
“No, I got this.” My throat is suddenly dry, my voice scratchy, but my eyes are fixed on Connor and Neil as I slide over to sit behind the wheel. “How are you? I know you were kind of close to Cruz growing up…” I trail off, not wanting to let my feelings about Cruz slip out. I have nothing but terrible things to say about the guy, and that would be me being nice.
“Yeah, well. He used me to get to Connor. He held you at gunpoint and was connected to the people that messed with your poor dad. And he lied to me about being off the drugs, and about a lot of things, actually. I used to think he could come around, but it’s obvious he can’t.” Her voice is bitter, and she ends with a sigh. “I know this is terrible, but he was always happiest when he was with that gang. Maybe he belongs with them.”
She stops, and I know she’s thinking the same thing I am. Cruz doesn’t belong here with any of us.
Connor and Neil are coming out of the house now with a guy who doesn’t look much like I’d expect for having gang ties – although what do I really know? He looks around my dad’s age, has a full head of dark hair that’s going gray, with half his face hidden behind big brown sunglasses. His attitude exudes a seasoned sort of confidence as he leads Connor and Neil to a grey sedan. If he does notice me sitting behind the wheel of the Audi, he doesn’t give any indication.
“Don’t look right at him,” Elle hisses. “If you don’t know what he looks like, he can’t kill you.”
“Holy crap.” I roll my eyes. “Seriously, Elle. What movie is that from?”
“Just sayin’, hun.” She slumps back in her seat and is thankfully quiet for the rest of the drive.
We follow the sedan for what feels like forever because of traffic and honestly, because every second Connor sits in that car with that guy pushes my limits of sanity. But we finally pull up to what I assume is Cruz’s hotel. It’s one of the older casinos on the outskirts of the old Vegas on Fremont Street. They pull into the open parking lot off to the side, and I follow. Follow. I just need to follow.
“Now what?” I ask.
“Now we wait, I guess,” Elle says quite reasonably.
I pull into a spot in a row behind them, and we wait. Elle sings softly to herself the entire time, and I stare straight ahead and try to remember to blink now and then. Connor said that this would be easy, that this was all arranged, and I assume he meant from when he went to Albuquerque. I have to believe that he was telling me the truth. And if he’s not, I’m going to kill him. Figuratively and not literally, of course.
Being with Connor definitely keeps things interesting, that’s for damned sure.
They come out exactly sixteen minutes later, the sunglasses guy with his hand on Cruz’s shoulder. Connor is walking right behind them, with Neil lagging maybe a half step behind that. I stare hard at Cruz, try to see whether he looks pissed off about all of this or broken, but he looks stiff, his face a total blank. He stumbles forward as he steps into the parking lot, and sunglasses guy’s hand falls off his shoulder.
Cruz straightens and spins around, and I gasp as he takes a swing at the older guy. But Connor moves with lightning-fast speed to intervene, pushing sunglasses guy out of the way before throwing a hard punch to Cruz’s face. He falls back, lands flat on his ass in the parking lot, his hands over his face. I can see all the way from here the blood spurting through his fingers from where Connor undoubtedly broke his nose. Yeah, Cruz is going to have a hell of a ride back to Albuquerque.
“Damn,” Elle says from behind me.
My thoughts exactly. I feel like cheering. I wish I could get an instant replay of that.
Connor stares down at him for a good minute, and maybe says something to him or maybe not while Cruz glowers back up at him from the pavement. They may be identical twins, but they don’t even look related to each other at this moment. Connor can be the guy in control a lot of the time, but he’s real. He has real emotions and real heart. A pretty amazing heart, like my mom once said about me.
I watch as the evil twin staggers to his feet and turns away from his brother. He doesn’t look at Connor again as sunglasses guy shoves him toward the sedan.
Connor did it. We all did. Dad and Maya are going to help each other out. Mom is going to recover. Elle is singing with a band next week, for the first time in a long time. Connor raises his head and locks gazes with me through the windshield, and I finally let myself smile at him and dare to believe what I’ve hoped. That we’re going to be okay now. That Cruz won’t be back.
Connor gives me a slow smile, showing me his cocky grin that I love so much, and I feel the rest of my defenses crumble to dust as my heart completely fills with the possibility of us. Mom gave up her Ian and found my dad, but everyone’s story is different. I can’t give up the chance to be with Connor.
I didn’t know before meeting him that my heart needed to grow up so much. I never thought that m
y walls would come down for someone like him. I want him with his flaws and all, and he wants me even given mine, and I think that’s how it’s supposed to be when it finally happens. People lose enough as it is in this world, but sometimes the universe is kind to us, gives us someone who won’t walk away from us no matter how hard things get. Someone who we can be honest with and trust.
Sometimes the universe throws someone unexpected in our paths so that we can finally see who we really are.
Connor and I are going to be fantastic together. We already are.
Epilogue
Connor
Maybe I could have done things differently. In dealing with Cruz. In not forgiving my father before he died. But both of them are gone now – Cruz back to Albuquerque to sort out his own shit and my father to his grave. So yeah, maybe everything this summer could have gone down another way, but I can’t think like that. I’m done letting guilt follow me around like it’s my shadow.
And all I have to do is wake up in the morning and see Alex by my side to know that I did all right.
It’s already the end of July, and she’ll be flying back to New York with her parents tomorrow, but then she’ll be packing up her stuff to move out here. To live with me. It blows my mind, but she’s been staying over at my house a few nights a week this past month, and I can’t wait for her to officially move in. I shuffled my schedule around so I can take time off to help her move. Doubt we’ll need an entire two weeks, but it’s what she asked me for, and I suspect she wants to make a vacation of the road trip.
I dismount the Honda when I see her come out of UNLV’s Student Services building. I’ve been working on the Harley restoration in my spare time, but it’s not ready to ride.
Alex walks toward me, her hair blazing like the sunset. Her face lights up like I’m the best thing she’s seen all day, and I know that I did a hell of a lot more than all right.
I reach for her, and she slips her hand into mine. “How’d it go?”
“Great. I’m all set. Looks like I can get everything done in the fall if I take two on-line courses. It’s going to be a busy semester.”
Losing Enough Page 32
