by Jen Calonita
"He's out back," says the guy, startled. "Cecil Caren. He's the short, pudgy guy in the Cave tee. He loves that show you guys were on, by the way."
"He does?" Sky asks.
"Actually his daughter Tabitha does," the guy says. "Never missed it."
"Guys, let's MOVE!" Nadine barks, her eyes wild. "Kaitlin, get your game face on. Sky, prepare to schmooze! Rodney, prepare to intimidate! We're hitching a ride on a helicopter to Manhattan."
Nadine charges off and the rest of us follow, as fast as our legs will take us.
Saturday, July 4
NOTE TO SELF:
Cost of a helicopter ride per person to Manhattan: approx. $550
Actual cost of helicopter ride to Manhattan: 1 day of shopping with Cecil Caren's 12-year-old daughter.
Getting to the Meeting of the Minds theater before Riley: Priceless
MEETING OF THE MINDS
Scene 11:
Andie runs into an empty hallway and throws her books on the floor. She screams at the top of her lungs.
JORDAN:
Whoa. She's going to go all Carrie on us.
BECCA:
Or we're going to have to get her on Dr. Phil ASAP. Andie, sweetie, are you okay?
ANDIE:
No! (shouting) I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know what I was thinking telling Leo the truth. Me giving Jenny lip? Am I crazy? You don't take on the cheerleading squad.
JORDAN:
Some might disagree with that.
ANDIE:
I shouldn't have tried to change things. You don't buck the system. I am who I am and that's it! I am never going to be an "it" girl or the girl who gets the guy of her dreams. I should have stayed safe for twenty-four more measly hours and then all this would have been behind me.
BECCA:
Andie, you're wrong! You gave it your best shot. You dared to do something none of us had the guts to do for four years.
JORDAN:
You made Jenny speechless. I don't think anyone has ever done that. Ever.
ANDIE:
And where did it get me? I'm in the same place I was always in, but now I'm just humiliated and reviled. Let's face it--Leo didn't kiss me because he wanted to kiss me. He kissed me to get a reaction out of Jenny, who treats him like garbage.
BECCA:
You don't know that.
ANDIE:
I do know that. She walked in when Leo kissed me and he acted all embarrassed. I'm as sure of that as I am sure that we're going to graduate tomorrow morning. I just might not be there to accept my diploma.
BECCA:
You can't be serious!
ANDIE:
I can't face all those people again. I feel like an idiot.
JORDAN:
As far as I'm concerned, you should be class valedictorian! You've got guts, Andie Amber. Stand up there tomorrow morning and be proud of your humiliation!
ANDIE:
No, I'm done. I'm going to go back to what I always was--a fly on the wall.
LEO:
Before you just disappear from my life again, can I have the chance to change your mind?
(Andie, Jordan, and Becca jump.)
THIRTEEN: "Lucky" Thirteen
"THIRTY MINUTES." They announce over the backstage intercom.
Thirty minutes. I look at the rickety clock on the wall. Okay, that's still enough time. I don't have to leave my dressing room for another twenty minutes and I'm already pressed, powdered, and polished for tonight's performance. I've got plenty of time to talk to Austin during today's scheduled phone call.
If our phone call actually happens.
I can't believe I'm going to say this, but this is my fault as much as it is his. Sometimes I actually forget to call him for a few days. The longer I'm away, the more this seems to happen. I suspect Austin is going through the same thing because sometimes he forgets to call too. But after Riley made that comment about Austin and me being on the rocks since I was hanging out with Dylan, I'm more determined than ever to prove my relationship is solid.
I take a deep breath, dial Austin, and let the phone ring. It rings three times. I'm about to hang up when I hear someone pick up.
"Hello?"
Oh wow! He's there! He said he would be and he's really there!
"Austin? It's me!" I say excitedly. He was actually in his room when he was supposed to be and he picked up instead of De-Manda. Yay!
"Hey, Burke," he says sounding all sleepy. "What time is it?"
Wait. He was sleeping during our scheduled phone call? Okay, maybe he was tired. I'm overreacting. It's no biggie.
"Seven-thirty in New York. I go on in a half hour," I remind him pleasantly. "Plenty of time for us to catch up during our scheduled phone call." I can't help throwing that in.
"I wanted to talk to you about that, actually," Austin says with a yawn. "Don't you think scheduling phone calls seems sort of forced? Can't we just call when we want to call? I want to call you all the time."
But you don't, I want to say. You don't call and then when I call you're not there. "I hate the schedule too," I admit. "But if we don't set a time, we don't talk. When I'm free, you're busy and when you're free, I'm at work. Then when we do talk, it's for five minutes. The most we get to catch up on is the weather."
"It's sunny here and ninety-five," Austin jokes. "Okay, got to go. Just kidding."
"Ha, ha," I say, but I'm not laughing. Doesn't he see how serious this is? We need to be in touch more or else we'll just forget about each other and start spending all our free time with other people who are readily available and willing to hang out, and make us laugh, and help us with our problems.
Like I'm doing with Dylan.
That's okay though because Dylan is a friend. Okay, maybe I have a slight crush on Dylan. But I don't like him like him. I just sort of like him.
NOOOOO!
How can I sort of like Dylan? I love Austin!
But Dylan's here. And he actually takes my phone calls!
I want Austin to take my phone calls!
What does that say about me that I can't handle a few months' separation from my boyfriend? We're never going to survive college!
I fiddle with the picture of Austin that is tucked into my mirror. It's my only personal touch from home in here. It's a picture of us at Disneyland. We're posing with Mickey. Seeing Austin's smiling face makes him seem so real. I should look at this all the time because when I don't... sometimes I actually forget about him.
Paging Dr. Phil! What does that say about me as a girlfriend?
"How are you holding up there? Riley still giving you a complex?" Austin asks.
"She hates me." I sigh. "I almost missed the show the other night because she wouldn't give me a ride back from the Hamptons."
"What were you doing in the Hamptons on a workday?" he asks.
"It's a long story." Too long and tiring for this phone call, I want to say. "The bottom line is she left me stranded! She's never gotten over Dylan even though she dumped him and now he likes me and she's mad at me. Like that's my fault."
OH GOD.
Did I just say out loud that Dylan likes me?
I don't have my boyfriend manual handy, but I think telling your boyfriend that another guy likes you is one topic of conversation you are supposed to avoid. "I mean she likes Dylan," I backpedal.
"You said Dylan likes you," Austin says, sounding wide awake now.
"Did I say that?" I laugh nervously. "I meant Dylan likes Riley."
"No, no I think what you said is Riley is mad because she used to go out with Dylan and Dylan likes you. Which is funny because that's what I've been saying to you all along, isn't it?" I notice a slight edge to his voice. My heart starts to beat faster.
"I can't control what Dylan thinks," I say defensively. "I know what I think and I don't like Dylan as anything more than a friend."
Liar, liar, pants on fire!
"Anyway, what about you?" I ask. "How was your scrimmage yesterday?"
"It's a long story," Austin says coolly. "I don't want to bother you. I already talked to Amanda. That's okay, right? Maybe I'll tell you some other time."
Is Austin mocking me now? And what's with that Amanda dig? He knows how I feel about that girl! I mean, he sort of knows. I've dropped subtle hints.
Okay, maybe I should change the subject before this gets ugly. "I've got some news. Seth was here last week and he showed me some scripts. One of them was for a new TV show."
Austin is quiet at first. Then, finally, he says, "Did you like it?"
"I did," I say, my voice quickening. "It's about a bunch of college freshmen. Kind of Friends-ish. But edgy. There're these two great female characters in it that I just love."
"That's great," Austin says and he sounds like he means it. "So which one are you going to go for? Have they offered another girl one of the parts? Maybe Dylan could play your roommate in drag. Or your boyfriend on the show. I mean, if he likes you I would imagine he would want to stay near you after the play ends."
I can be obnoxious too. "Just like Amanda, right?" I snipe. "Maybe she can move to Los Angeles and play lacrosse with you and then she can answer your phone all the time!"
"That's not such a bad idea," Austin says gruffly. "At least Amanda is honest with me."
"Really?" I bark. "Has she been honest about telling you how much she likes you? Because she's made it obvious to me."
Austin doesn't say anything.
"Doesn't feel so good being hounded about someone you're not interested in, does it?" I ask getting angrier now. As mad as I am, I'm also crying. This is not good at all. Maybe we should hang up and cool off before continuing. I'm about to suggest just that when I hear a girl's voice.
De-amanda.
"I'm on the line with my girl," Austin says. "Can I pop over in a minute?"
At least he's still calling me his girl.
"No can do, loverboy," Amanda says. "We're taking you guys out and we have to go now. Major surprise. We've already got Rob in the car. Tell your favorite B-lister you'll have to chat later."
Hey, I'm not B-list!
"Austin, tell her you need a minute," I insist, sounding aggravated, which I am. "This is important."
But instead of answering me, the next thing I hear is a dial tone.
WHOA.
That had to be a mistake. RIGHT? Austin wouldn't hang up on me and go out with some other girl. I stare at my phone, waiting for it to ring.
Any second now...
Still waiting...
I drum my fingers on my dressing table nervously. I am not calling him. He should call me! He must know the hang up was on his end! Maybe he didn't even hang up. Maybe De-Manda did. In which case, he should definitely call me back. God, I can't stand that girl and I don't even know what she looks like. She probably has a perfect, sporty body. She is so trying to make a move on my boyfriend! MAKE HIM CALL, I will the iPhone. RING, I silently pray. But it doesn't. I keep staring at the main screen, which has a picture of me and Austin at the junior prom on it.
RING! RING! RING!
And then it does.
"Hello?" I say eagerly.
"Sweetie, what is this I found on your nightstand in your room?" It's Mom and she sounds highly annoyed.
"Mom, I can't talk now." And I don't have a clue what she's talking about. What did she find that could have her this worked up?
"Tell the truth, Kaitlin Elizabeth Burke!" Mom says sternly.
Oh, I know what she found. I better come clean. "I'm sorry," I apologize. "I've only had one. Okay, maybe two. But I've been working out every day! My trainer says it's good to treat yourself sometimes. They're less than a hundred calories, Mom."
"What are you talking about?" Mom asks.
"The mini Twix," I say. "You found the bag in my top drawer, right?"
"No," Mom says and tsks. I hear her open a drawer. "But now that I know about them they are disappearing! You don't need chocolate. I'm talking about that TV show! That one you and Seth like. Why are there notes on the copy he gave you? And phone numbers? You are not thinking about auditioning for it, are you?"
Um, yes? Simply put, I love it. I'm particularly into the character Hope, who is sassy, funny, and socially inept. She's the perfect foil for hardnosed Taylor, who is book smart during the day and a social butterfly at night. I could see Sky and me playing these girls. I just have to convince Mom and Dad of that.
"Mom, I really like it," I beg. "It's a great part. If you'd just read it--"
"Are they still thinking about Sky for the other girl?" she asks calmly.
"Yes, but--"
"LANEY!" Mom shrieks and I hear another click on the line, then sudden swooshing and... is that waves crashing? A seagull chirping? Laney doesn't have time for the beach.
"Absolutely not, Kaitlin!" Laney hisses, but her voice is barely a whisper, which means it is a Laney imposter. The real Laney is loud all the time.
"Um, Mom, I think you got your lines crossed," I say. "That is not Laney."
"It is too!" she hisses again. "I'm on a shoot for Vanity Fair with Reese and the photographer threatened to have me banned from the set if he heard me on my Bluetooth again. Can you imagine?" she whispers hotly. "Me being banned from the beach! The beach is public! PUBLIC." Her voice rises and she clears her throat. "Public, which means I can't be banned," she finishes in a whisper. "But my answer is still the same if Sky is involved. No."
"See?" Mom says, sounding triumphant. "This is out of the question."
"But you guys have been so nice to Sky while she's been in New York," I remind them. "Mom, you even said you liked her."
"As a person, yes, but as a coworker for you, no," Mom says defensively. "You'll be fighting again in a week and then the stories will follow on Celebrity Insider and in Hollywood Nation. I feel a migraine coming on just thinking about it."
"But what if...," I start to say.
"No!" Mom and Laney say in unison and Laney says it sort of loudly.
"KAITLIN! THINK!" Laney continues, yelling so loudly that I have to hold the phone away from my ear. "THIS HAS BAD MOVE WRITTEN ALL OVER IT. I DON'T CARE WHAT SETH SAYS! HE'S WRONG!" The next thing I hear is a bit of a rustle. Then Laney's voice is sort of muffled. "Hey! Wait! No, I'm getting off now! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! The beach is PUBLIC!" Click.
"I don't want to hear about this again," Mom says. "I've been so relaxed out here in the Hamptons, enjoying a quiet summer, and then I come back to the apartment for twenty-four hours and get stressed. No more talk of this pilot! Do you understand?"
"Mom," I beg.
"Kaitlin, how do you know Sky even wants to do this with you?" Mom asks. "Maybe her people hate the idea as much as we do and you're just fooling yourself. " I don't say anything. "When we get back to Los Angeles you can look at something else to do. Anything but another play. They just don't pay." She sniffs.
HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER THIRTEEN: Even if you make twenty million dollars a movie, you will make peanuts doing live theater. Stars who take the stage do it to broaden their acting range and for the prestige that comes with having your name in a Playbill. They don't do it for a paycheck. Most stars, even big ones, are lucky to bring home three thousand dollars a week. A lot to the rest of the world, but not those who spend their disposable income on Louis Vuitton luggage.
"If you're set on TV, then we can look at some other shows if you want," Mom continues, "but you are not repeating what's been done before. End of story." Click.
I cover my face with the nearest thing I can find--my Burberry raincoat (it's pouring today) and scream into it at the top of my lungs.
I'm so mad at everyone right now! Austin! Mom! Lauren, Ava, Riley! I'm sick of being picked on!
Mom is overreacting! I didn't say I was definitely doing the show, just that I was interested in meeting with the network about it. To be honest, I haven't even discussed the pilot with Sky yet. Part of me is afraid to ask her what she thinks of it. What if she hates it? What if she thinks
working together again would be the nightmare it once was? I'd rather not hear her say that.
There's a quick knock on my door and I turn around. "Come in!"
Sky and Nadine march in, looking like wooden soldiers. Their faces are stoic.
I groan. "What is it?" I snap. "I'm in no mood."
"Too bad," Sky says and slams her iPhone down on my dressing table. Great. More phone grief. The screen has a small video on pause. "Watch it," she insists.
I look at them both curiously and then press play. I'm not surprised to see Lauren and Ava's faces staring back at me. They're introducing a clip they call "Lucky Ladies." Then the clip goes animated and it's a cartoon about me and Sky with cutouts of our real faces on animated bodies. We're singing some weird song about what has-beens we are and how Sky's pilot was canceled and all I can get is a part on Broadway for three months. Then they say how Family Affair was our last chance at stardom and now it's gone.
Ouch.
"I hate them," Sky shrieks before I even finish the clip. She is visibly upset. "I'm tired of this game. They're cruel. And they're lame. I want out of this twisted drama." Sky looks at me darkly. "Enough with this high road garbage, K. I've done my part bashing them, now it's your turn. It's going to take two of us to take them down."
"I don't know," Nadine says. "Do you two really want to stoop to their level?" She looks at Sky. "I'm mad too! They have to be stopped, but is adding more fuel to the fire going to do it? Kaitlin, you're better than these games."
"K, think about the Hamptons," Sky begs. "They could have cost you your job."
"Forest wouldn't have fired her for missing the show," Nadine insists. "He might have been mad, but he would have gotten over it. It wasn't her fault."
"Exactly," I say, exasperated, "but it still happened. Riley being mad at me because she likes Dylan isn't my fault either, but if I keep letting things slide, then she keeps being condescending and makes me feel like I don't deserve to be here. I'm sick of it!" I yell. Nadine's eyes widen. "I'm sick of De-Manda, and Austin sleeping through phone calls, and Lauren and Ava using me and Sky to get on Access Hollywood! I'm tired of being nice. It doesn't get me anywhere."
"Yay, K! You're growing a backbone," Sky says proudly.
"Kaitlin, you beat Riley at her own game when you made it to the show from the Hamptons anyway," Nadine reminds me. "I saw her face when we showed up here. She was flabbergasted."
