Chapter 33
It’s still dark when I get out of bed. Carolyn’s already gone, off on her run. And today I’m joining her. I don’t have time to take a shower, but I brush my teeth and wash my face quickly and throw on some clothes. Everyone is still sound asleep when I sneak out.
I grip the book tightly and follow Carolyn’s map as best I can. Instead of making a left out of the main cabin to go toward the field like I have every day for the past month and a half, I turn right. I tiptoe across the grass, keeping close to the side of the building in case anyone happens to look out any of the second-floor windows as I go by. Going to meet Carolyn like this is even more dangerous than sneaking out last night to go see Matthew. Our reasons for doing that were honorable, as far as Brianna was concerned. But meeting Carolyn alone, in the early hours of the morning—well, there’s only one reason for us to do that. I try not to think of that reason as I half walk, half run to meet her.
The map Carolyn drew from memory in the dark is surprisingly detailed. I know exactly where to enter the woods, exactly which trail to take when I reach a fork. She knows this place well—it’s her own little private world that no one else at the camp has seen. And she’s invited me into it.
I round the next bend and there she is. She stands in the middle of a little open, grassy area, stretching. She’s in her running clothes, her hair pulled away from her face, beads of sweat sprinkling her collarbone. She smiles when she sees me. “You found it,” she says.
“Yeah,” I say, suddenly incredibly nervous. “You run here every day?”
“Yup. Beautiful, isn’t it?”
I’m sure it is. But I can’t keep my eyes off her. I take a step closer.
She holds my gaze and takes a step of her own.
And then, like two magnets that have suddenly entered the same force field, we come together.
He knew that when he kissed this girl, and forever wed his unutterable visions to her perishable breath, his mind would never romp again like the mind of God.
Electricity explodes through every part of me as my mouth meets hers. This is what a kiss is supposed to be. There’s no one else around, no party games, no boys to be putting on a show for. Just me and Carolyn and the lightning between us.
I drop the book and pull her closer to me. Her hands are in my hair, one of mine is on the small of her back, the other caressing her face. It’s the best moment of my life.
Far too soon, we break apart. Carolyn grins at me, her face flushed, her eyes full of…something. Something good. She threads her fingers through mine and we sit together in the grass. We stay like that for a while, holding hands, just staring at each other. And then I can’t take it anymore—I close the distance between us and crush my mouth against hers again. We topple over onto the grass, giggling and kissing and happy.
***
“We have to be getting back,” she whispers. It’s the first thing either of us has said. We’re lying in the grass, her head resting on my chest. I run my fingers through her hair and breathe her in.
“I don’t want to,” I murmur.
Carolyn laughs and props herself up on her elbows to look at me. “Me either.” She gives me a soft peck on the lips. “But it’s seven o’clock. Kaylee’s alarm is going to go off in thirty minutes, and you need to be back in your bed by the time that happens.”
She’s right. But I hate the reminder that the real world actually exists. I want to just stay here, lying in this patch of wild grass with Carolyn forever.
“Okay,” I say with a sigh and push myself up to standing. “Let’s go.”
We hold hands as we walk back through the woods, and I slip back into bed just in time.
Chapter 34
I can’t believe this morning really happened. I finally kissed Carolyn, after all this time. And it was perfect. I keep catching myself staring at her as we get ready for the day, grinning like a giant dope.
But she’s acting like nothing happened. She barely even looks at me, and when she does, her eyes hold no hint of the magic that happened between us.
I know she has to act that way, to play it cool so we’re not found out, that I need to be acting that way too, but I can’t help but feel a little twinge of worry when I see her impassive face. Maybe she changed her mind at some point between our time together in the woods this morning and now. Maybe she’s freaked out by what happened and decided to reaffirm her commitment to the de-gayifying. Maybe I did something wrong…
I wish I could talk to her, but there’s just no way.
“Has anyone heard anything about Matthew?” Daniel asks at breakfast.
Carolyn and I look at each other. Do we tell him? she asks silently. I shrug.
“What’s going on?” Daniel says, suspicious now.
“Okay. Don’t tell anyone,” Carolyn says, her voice low, “but we went to see Matthew last night.”
“You did?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, how is he? Is he all right?” He looks really worried.
I nod. “He’s going to be okay. He’s pretty shaken up and in a lot of pain though. Barbara said he should probably be able to join the rest of us in about a week.”
“Can I go see him? How come you guys got to?”
Carolyn and I share another look, and this time I see a hint of the sparkle from this morning in her eyes. “It’s a long story,” she says and squeezes my hand under the table.
That one small touch is everything.
I try not to smile, but it doesn’t work very well. My skin sizzles where her hand meets mine and it takes everything I have to stop myself from jumping on her right here. God, I want to kiss her again.
Daniel looks back and forth between the two of us, like he knows there’s something going on but he doesn’t know what. But he doesn’t get to ask because Mr. Martin claps his hands to get everyone’s attention.
“I’ve invited some very special guests to speak to us today,” he announces. “This is one of my favorite sessions of the entire summer—it’s alumni day! New Horizons campers of the past are here to share their success stories with us!”
The carpet cabin is set up similarly to the way it was on the very first day of camp: the chairs are arranged in a big circle. But there are even more chairs in the circle this time to accommodate all the counselors as well as the five “very special guests.”
The guest speakers are all pretty young. The youngest looks about nineteen, the oldest maybe twenty-five or so. They are all dressed pretty similarly too, in New Horizons chic—the girls are wearing skirts and dresses in pastel, Easter-egg shades, with long hair and delicate jewelry. The men are in crisp, collared shirts and ties. Every single one of them has a wedding ring on his or her finger.
They sit up straight in their chairs, looking at Mr. Martin like he still holds some power over them, like they’re all frightened fifteen-year-olds again, on their first day of camp.
Pieces start to click into place—the campers’ almost God-like worship of Mr. Martin, even years later. What he said to Matthew in the office yesterday about I had a father like that too. But mine was worse, so much worse. His lies, his coercions. Brianna’s story about his past. There are still so many holes in the plot, but I think I have enough to at least sketch a pretty coherent outline. And I think what it all adds up to is power. Somewhere along the way, Jeremiah Martin lost control of his life. I don’t know how or when or why, and I don’t want to. He can keep his Father Wound to himself. But what I do know is this is how he’s trying to get that control back—by demanding our obedience, respect, attention, even our love. Or what he thinks is love, anyway.
Mr. Martin introduces the guests, and they each tell a brief version of their story—they’re all variations on the same theme: “I led a misguided youth, but through the guidance of New Horizons and the support of my church, my SSA is buried far in my past. I
’m now married with two wonderful children and happier than ever, living the life God intended for me.”
After the opening statements are over, we get to ask questions. It’s too bad Matthew is missing this—he would be having a field day right now. But without Matthew here to ask the hard-hitting questions, the Q&A is just as safe as the speakers’ stories:
“How did you meet your husband/wife?”
“Do you ever worry about your children having SSA?”
“What do you do to ensure your SSA never comes back?”
“How did you stay away from temptation in college?”
“In what ways is your life better now than it was when you had SSA?”
Blah, blah, blah.
I watch Carolyn carefully throughout the session, trying to read her expression. But her face is so carefully arranged for the counselors that even I can’t see past the mask.
It’s torture, being so close to her but not being able to do anything about it. In some ways, it’s worse than when I loved her in secret. At least then I didn’t know what I was missing.
A crazy impulse comes over me, and I make the split-second decision to do what Matthew can’t. I raise my hand and ask, “Do any of you still find yourselves attracted to members of the same sex?”
The guests look at each other, but no one volunteers an answer.
Kaylee is suddenly very interested in her manicure. John stares out the window, and Deb’s face is as blank as always. Mr. Martin is the only one looking at me.
“Of course not, Lexi,” he says with a pleasant smile. “God has cured us.”
“Sorry, I guess I’m just a little confused,” I say just as congenially. “The work we do here at New Horizons consists mainly of learning the techniques to resist our SSA, right? To keep making the right choices, even after we leave New Horizons.”
“Yes.”
“So that means that our ‘cure’ depends on our actively choosing to not be gay every single day. That’s a lot of work. And I’m not saying it’s not worth it or that it’s not right or anything like that,” I add, “but it’s got to be tiring. So I’m just wondering if any of you ever find yourselves letting your guard down and letting the SSA creep back in, even just for a moment. If you ever experience any of those old feelings.”
There’s a moment of silence as Mr. Martin studies me, trying to figure out which road to take here. I blink back at him innocently, my posture perfect and my legs crossed delicately at the ankles, just like Brianna taught us. Finally he turns to the guests.
“Please, don’t be shy,” he says to them. “Do you ever experience any of those old feelings?”
The guests answer exactly the same:
“No.”
“No, sir.”
“No.”
“No.”
“No.”
Mr. Martin turns back to me. “Does that answer your question, Lexi?”
“Yes. Thank you, Mr. Martin.”
“Good. Moving on.”
I’m not even sure what the point of pushing him like that was, but the tiny smile curling the corners of Carolyn’s mouth made it worth it.
That night, as we get ready for bed, I catch Carolyn’s eye across the dorm room. I raise my eyebrows questioningly and she gives a tiny smile and nods. That settles it—I’m going to meet her again. Luckily, sleepy, old Barbara is on dorm duty tonight.
***
The instant Carolyn and I see each other in the woods the next morning, we throw ourselves at each other. It’s amazing how her touch, her kiss, is already something I need so desperately. Now that I’ve had it, I can’t live without it.
“Lexi,” she whispers and brushes her mouth across my lips, my jaw, my neck. She pulls my body tight against hers, and then her hands are slowly traveling up my shirt. I’m not wearing a bra, and it’s only a matter of seconds before we cross over into new territory. I want it. I want her, so badly…but I have to press pause.
“Wait,” I gasp and make myself pull away.
“I’m sorry,” she says quickly. “I didn’t mean to—”
I smile and shake my head. “No, believe me, you didn’t do anything wrong.” I give her a quick peck on the lips to reassure her. “I just think…we need to talk.”
Carolyn looks disappointed, but she nods in agreement. “You’re probably right.”
We sit in the grass and study each other. It’s pretty clear neither of us knows where to begin. But we only have a finite amount of time before we need to go back to camp, so I decide to jump right in. “Have you changed your mind about wanting to become straight?” I ask point-blank.
To my surprise, Carolyn laughs. “I would have thought that was pretty obvious,” she says.
“Well, not entirely,” I admit. “You just seemed so into the idea, even after I told you all that stuff in DC…”
She takes my hand. “I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t have feelings for you,” she confesses. “When I first realized I liked you, I wanted to believe more than ever that the reparative therapy could work. I was so scared of what would happen if I let myself go where my heart wanted to take me. And then after we talked about Natalie in DC, those fears kind of renewed themselves. I was being stupid. I’m so sorry.”
“When did you realize you liked me?” I ask, thrilled that she’s finally said the words.
“Honestly?”
I nod.
“The first moment I saw you,” she says, “across the circle in the cabin.”
I squeeze her hand. “That’s when I knew I liked you too.”
She squints, remembering. “It was really strange, actually. There was like this…connection I suddenly felt with you. Like a spark or something.”
“Like lightning,” I say.
She smiles. “Yeah. Like lightning.”
“So,” I say, just to be sure, “you’re done with the de-gayifying?”
“I’m so done.” She shakes her head. “I can’t believe I actually wanted it to work.”
“You had your reasons,” I tell her. “We both did.”
“Well, now that I know who Mr. Martin really is, I don’t want anything to do with him or his camp ever again.”
A terrible thought occurs to me. “You know, you could go home now. Your parents want you to. Now that you don’t have any reason to stay, you could leave.”
“But I do have a reason to stay…” She reaches over and brushes her thumb lightly across my lips.
My heart swells. “I won’t hurt you,” I promise. “I’m not Natalie.”
“And I’m not Zoë,” she says, still staring at my mouth.
“I know.”
And then she kisses me.
This time, I don’t stop her.
Chapter 35
At breakfast later that morning, I take Brianna aside and ask her if we can go visit Matthew again. She purses her lips, considering.
“Please,” I say. “We didn’t get to see him yesterday.”
She sighs. “All right. But Daniel has to come too. I’ll present it to Mr. Martin as a supportive group thing. He won’t be able to say no to that.”
“That’s fine. Thank you so much.” I resist the urge to hug her. That probably wouldn’t go over so well.
The day carries on, but the workbook exercises mean nothing to me. Every time I think about this morning in the woods, I feel a flash of heat and a flutter in my stomach. I’m probably blushing like crazy. The way Carolyn touched me, the things she showed me…I simply had not known that kind of bliss could exist.
Of course, that makes it even harder to act normal in front of the counselors and campers. How am I supposed to act normal with her sitting two feet away from me and those memories flashing through my mind?
Brianna comes over to our group at the end of the classroom session, and I sn
ap out of my daydream. “Mr. Martin has given his permission for you to spend your rec hour this evening visiting Matthew in the infirmary if you’d like,” she says.
Guilt falls on top of me like a heap of bricks. How can I be so happy when Matthew’s in so much misery?
“Yes,” Daniel says. “Yes, of course we want to see him!”
So after dinner, we go to the infirmary.
Matthew looks a million times better than he did the other night. He’s alone in the cabin, sitting up in his cot, reading a book. His bruises have faded to a putrid yellowish color—it looks really gross, but it means they’re healing. His face lights up when we enter the room.
“Hi, guys!” he says.
Suddenly Daniel bursts out in tears and throws his arms around Matthew, forgetting the no-touching rule. “You’re really okay,” he says between sobs.
Matthew winces. “I’m okay,” he says, patting Daniel’s back gingerly. “You don’t have to worry.”
Daniel pulls back, sniffling. “I was praying for you.”
“Thanks, buddy.” Matthew smiles.
“You look so much better,” I say as Carolyn and I join them.
“I feel a lot better,” he says. “I’m starting to go a little stir-crazy in this room though. I’ve resorted to reading this fine selection from the New Horizons library to keep me occupied.” He gestures to the book in his lap.
I pick it up. “The Gift,” I read aloud. “A story of faith, choices, and waiting for marriage.” I raise an eyebrow.
“It’s either that or stare at the ceiling all day,” Matthew says with a shrug. “So what have I been missing? Any good gossip?”
Carolyn and I automatically look at each other. She’s all smiley now that we’re away from the babysitters, which makes me all smiley too, and a fresh wave of memories from this morning rushes over me, and my cheeks get warm, which makes her smile even bigger.
“We had an alumni day yesterday,” Daniel says. “They were so inspiring. They’re all married and happy…” He goes on about what the guest speakers said yesterday, but Matthew isn’t paying attention. He’s looking at me and Carolyn, a massive grin on his face.
The Summer I Wasn't Me Page 23
