by Leanne Banks
She sagged against his chest, and he tightened his grip. “I know. I’m just not used to feeling like this. I’m not used to doing this. We hardly know one another. I was looking for something else, and then you move in next door with your blue eyes and nice smile and I was...I was...”
He pulled back and softly grasped her chin. “You were what?”
She let out a long breath. “Done for.”
Gabe’s insides contracted. What was she saying? That it was more than a developing friendship and blinding physical attraction? That she loved him?
Sure, he had feelings for Lauren. A lot of feelings. And making love with her had been out of this world. But falling in love wasn’t part of his plan. Hell, it was out of the question at the moment. Not when he didn’t know if he actually had a future. He had a five-year plan and intended to stick to it. Lauren deserved more than empty promises. Or another casket to grieve over.
“Lauren, we’re friends and I’d—”
“Friends with benefits?” she said, and cut him off as she pulled away. “I really hate that expression. It’s a convenient line to avoid commitment.”
Gabe bit back a frustrated sigh. “The only thing I’m trying to avoid is hurting you.”
She blinked hard. “Well, you’re not doing so great.”
He knew that. There were tears in her eyes, and he’d put them there. “If I’d thought you wouldn’t be—”
“Forget the condescending speech, Gabe,” she said, cutting him off again. “I’m sorry I’m not able to take the emotion out of sex. Blame it on my traditional upbringing, but I’ve always thought that making love should mean exactly that.”
She was right. It should. “I agree. And there was nothing casual about last night for me, Lauren. But I can’t promise you more than this....” He paused and took a breath. “More than now. I can’t say what the future will bring, and I don’t know where I’ll be.”
She pulled herself from his embrace. “Are you leaving? Going somewhere? Are you going back to California? Is that why you—”
“No,” he said quickly, and urged her close again. “Of course not.”
“Then what do you mean?”
Guilt hit him between the shoulder blades. Tell her the truth....
But he couldn’t. “Forget it. Come back to bed, Lauren.”
Her eyes glistened, and she nodded.
Back in his bedroom they made love again. This time it was quicker, hotter, as though they had a need that had to be sated. Afterward, Lauren stretched and sighed and curved against him. And he was, Gabe realized as he drifted back to sleep, happier and more content than he could ever remember being before in his life.
* * *
At seven, Lauren rolled out of bed and met Gabe in the kitchen, wearing only a navy blue bathrobe he’d offered. He’d made pancakes, and she’d agreed to try them before she returned home to shower and change and head to the store. Despite her earlier display of emotion, there was an easy companionship between them, as if they’d done it before, as if they knew one another deeply and intimately.
Which they did, she figured, coloring a little when she remembered the way they’d made love just hours ago. Being with Gabe was like nothing she’d experienced before. He was an incredibly generous lover. He was thoughtful and attentive, and they were well matched in bed.
What about out of bed?
Was there enough between them to stand up to the test outside the bedroom? She hoped so. He’d made no promises, offered no suggestions that their relationship would go beyond one night together. But there was no doubt in her mind that what they’d shared was more than simply sex.
“Are you okay?” he asked, watching her as she mulled over her second mug of tea.
Lauren looked up and smiled. “Fine. Just thinking I should get moving. I have to open the store this morning, and if I’m late, my mother will ask a thousand questions.”
He grinned. “Can I see you tonight?”
Lauren’s insides jumped. “Are you asking me out on a date?”
“Yes.”
Her brows arched. “That’s quite a commitment. You sure you’re ready for that?”
He came around the table and gently pulled her to her feet. “I guess we’ll find out as we go.”
He kissed her with a fierce intensity that had possession stamped all over it. And Lauren didn’t mind one bit. They made out for a few minutes, and when he released her, Lauren was left breathless and wanting him all the more.
“I’ll just grab the rest of my clothes,” she said with a smile as she left the kitchen.
Back in his bedroom, she gathered up her clothes and quickly changed back into her underwear, skirt and T-shirt. She found her shoes at the foot of the bed and slipped into them before she walked into the en-suite bathroom to return the robe. She hung it on a hook and turned toward the mirror. Only to be faced with her pale complexion and mussed bed hair.
She moaned and finger combed her bangs. There were remnants of mascara clinging to her lashes, and she looked for a tissue to wipe beneath her eyes. When she found nothing on the counter, Lauren opened the overhead cabinet. And stilled immediately.
A long row of medication bottles caught her attention. Serious medication. Very serious. She’d seen similar medication bottles before. Along the same shelf, there were vitamins and several homeopathic tonics. Lauren’s blood ran cold. Why would a strong, healthy man like Gabe need so much medicine? It didn’t make sense. She suppressed the urge to examine one of the bottles, but her mind continued to race. A rush of possibilities scrambled in her head. He was a doctor...perhaps it was something to do with that?
It’s none of my business.
But she still longed to know.
Immediately embarrassed that she’d even noticed the bottles, she was about to shut the cabinet when she heard a sound from the doorway.
“Lauren?”
Gabe’s voice. Marred with concern and query. She turned to face him and found his expression was completely closed off. Unreadable. Guarded.
Her mouth turned dry. “I was...I was looking for a tissue.” She stopped speaking and looked at him. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have opened the—”
He stepped forward and closed the cabinet door. “You should leave if you’re going to open your store on time,” he said flatly.
Lauren’s stomach lurched. He looked solemn. He looked annoyed; he looked as though she’d invaded his privacy in the worst possible way.
“What’s going on, Gabe?” she asked, stepping out of the en suite and into the bedroom. “Why are you—”
“I’ll see you out,” he said, and swiveled on his heels.
Lauren followed him out of the room and was halfway down the hallway when she said his name. He stopped and turned.
“What?” he asked.
“Exactly,” she said. “What?”
They were now both in the living room doorway, neither moving. He was tense, on edge, and Lauren resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. He looked as if he wanted her gone. And the notion hurt through to her bones.
“It’s nothing,” he said quietly. “We should both get ready for work.”
Lauren shook her head. “Don’t do that. Don’t shut me out.”
Silence stretched between them like a piece of worn, brittle elastic. Somehow, the incredible night making love with one another and the lovely relaxed morning sharing pancakes and kisses had morphed into a defining, uncomfortable moment in the hallway.
All because she’d seen medication in a bathroom cabinet.
An odd feeling silently wound its way through her blood and across her skin. And a tiny voice whispered in the back of her mind. As the seconds ticked, the whispering became louder, more insistent. Something was wrong. Had she missed signals? Had she been so wra
pped up in herself she hadn’t really seen him? And without knowing how or why, Lauren suspected the answer was within her grasp.
Just ask the question.... Ask him.... Ask him, and he’ll tell you....
“Gabe...” Her voice trailed off for a few moments and she quickly regathered her thoughts. “Are you...sick?”
Shutters came down over his face. She’d seen the look before—that day at the hospital when they’d met near the elevator. He’d been coming from the direction of the specialist offices. The oncology specialist. Lauren scrambled her thoughts together. Suddenly, she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear his reply.
“No,” he said finally.
“But...”
“I was,” he said when her query faded. “Eighteen months ago.”
A sharp pain tightened her chest. A terrible, familiar pain that quickly took hold of her entire body. It was hard to breathe, and she didn’t want to hear any more. But she pressed on.
“What did you—”
“Hodgkin’s lymphoma,” he said impassively, cutting her off.
Cancer...
Lauren’s knees weakened. He’d had cancer.
Just like Tim.
She swallowed the thick emotion in her throat. Every memory, every fear, every feeling of despair and pain she’d experienced with Tim rose up and consumed her like a wave. Tears burned the backs of her eyes, and she struggled to keep them at bay as a dozen questions buzzed on her tongue.
And then, like a jigsaw in her mind, the scattered pieces of the puzzle came together.
Gabe seemed to understand the despair she’d experienced at losing Tim. And he also seemed to understand the other man’s motives better than she ever had. Gabe didn’t want commitment. He wasn’t interested in a relationship.
If you waste your heart on me, I’ll break it....
She put her hand to her mouth and shuddered. It was too much. Too hard. Too familiar. And then she ran. Out of his bedroom. Out of his house. Out of his life.
* * *
By midday, Gabe was silently thanking Lauren for doing what he couldn’t. For walking away.
For racing away...
It was better than facing what he’d expected—the reflection, the realization. The pity.
Of course she’d taken off. What sane, sensible woman wouldn’t? It certainly hadn’t taken Mona long to find the door once he’d given his ex-girlfriend an opportunity to bail on their relationship. She hadn’t wanted to waste her life on a man with a death sentence.
And neither would Lauren.
Which is what he wanted, right? No involvement, no feelings, no risk.
Now he just had to convince himself.
Last night had been incredible. The best sex he’d ever had. But it had been a mistake. And wholly unfair to Lauren. From the beginning, she’d been clear on what she wanted, and Gabe knew he’d somehow ambushed that goal by allowing himself to get involved with her. He had a five-year plan, and he still intended sticking to it.
He got a text message from Aaron around two o’clock.
You still haven’t called Mom.
He replied after a few minutes and got back to work.
I’ll get to it.
When?
Gabe snatched the phone up and responded.
When I do. Back off.
He turned the cell to mute, logged off the computer and sat deep in his chair. He was, he realized as he stared at the blank screen, out-of-his-mind bored with his job. Shuffling paperwork during the week and attending to jellyfish stings and sunstroke on the weekends simply didn’t cut it. He wanted more. He needed more.
During the night, in between making love with Lauren and holding her in his arms, they’d talked about his career. For the first time since he’d left Huntington Beach, Gabe admitted how much he missed practicing medicine. As he sat at the desk that had never felt like his own, Gabe knew what he had to do.
It was after four, and he was just finishing a promising call with the human resources director at Bellandale’s hospital when there was a tap on the door. It was Lauren.
She entered the room and closed the door.
“Hi,” she said quietly. “Can we talk?”
Gabe’s stomach tightened. She looked so lovely in her sensible black skirt and green blouse. She’d come to end it. Terrific. It was exactly what he expected. And what he wanted. They’d stay friends and neighbors and that was all. Perhaps friends was stretching it, too. A clean break—that was what they needed.
He nodded. “Sure.”
Her hands were clasped tightly together. “I wanted to... I’d like to...”
Gabe stood and moved around the desk. “You’d like to what?”
She sighed and then took a long, unsteady breath. “To apologize. I shouldn’t have left the way I did this morning. I think I was so...so...overwhelmed by it all, by what you told me...I just reacted. And badly. Forgive me?”
Gabe shrugged. “There’s nothing to forgive. Your reaction was perfectly normal.”
“Don’t do that,” she said, and frowned. “Don’t make it okay. It’s not okay.”
“I can’t tell you how to feel. Or how to respond to things.” He perched his behind on the desk. “Considering what you’ve been through in the past, it makes sense that you’d react as you did.”
“It’s because of what I’ve been through in the past that I should not have reacted that way. I’m ashamed that I ran out this morning without asking you anything about it. But I’m here now. And I’d like to know.” Her concerned expression spoke volumes. Gabe knew that look. He knew what was coming. He waited for it. “Would you tell me about your illness?”
And there it was.
Pity...
His illness. As though it suddenly defined him. As though that was all he was. The ultimate unequalizer. Healthy people to one side. Sick people to the other.
Gabe took a breath. Best he get it over with. “There’s not much to tell. I was diagnosed with lymphoma. I had surgery and treatment. And I still take some medication. End of story.”
She nodded, absorbing his words. “And you’re okay now?”
“Maybe.”
She frowned. “What does that mean?”
“It means there are no guarantees. It means that my last round of tests came back clear. It means that without a recurrence within five years, I should be fine.”
Should be. Could be. Maybe.
If she had any sense, she’d turn around and run again.
“And that’s why you don’t want a serious relationship?” she asked, not running.
Gabe met her gaze. At that moment, he didn’t know what the hell he wanted other than to drag her into his arms and kiss her as if there was no tomorrow. But he wouldn’t. “Exactly.”
“Because you might get sick again?” Her hands twisted self-consciously. “Isn’t that a little...pessimistic?”
“Realistic,” he corrected.
She stepped a little closer. “Then why did you make love to me last night?”
Because I’m crazy about you. Because when I’m near you, I can’t think straight.
“I’m attracted to you,” he said quietly.
“And that’s all?”
“It’s all I can offer,” he said, and saw her eyes shadow. He didn’t want to hurt her, but he wasn’t about to make any grand statements, either. She’d be better off forgetting him and resuming her search for Mr. Middle-of-the-Road. “You know what you want and that’s not...me. I care about you, Lauren, too much to lead you on.”
Her eyes widened, and she laughed shrilly. “You’re joking, right?”
“No.”
“That’s a convenient line for a man who’s afraid of commitment.”
Gabe squashed the annoyanc
e snaking up his spine. “I’m not afraid of—”
“Sure you are,” she shot back quickly, and waved her arms. “You work here instead of the job you’re trained to do, even though you’re clearly a skilled doctor. You won’t even commit to a phone call to your family. And let’s not forget the meaningless one-night stands.”
“That’s an interesting judgment from someone who can’t bear to be alone.”
As soon as he said the words, Gabe knew he’d pushed a button. But damn, couldn’t she see that he wanted to make it easier for her, not harder?
Her eyes flashed molten fire. “I can be alone. But I’d prefer to not be. And maybe you think that makes me weak and needy.” She cocked a brow. “And you know what—perhaps it does. But I’d rather be like that than be too scared to try.”
Gabe’s gut lurched. He didn’t want to admit anything. She was right when she said he was scared. But he couldn’t tell her that. Because she’d want to know why. “You don’t know what you’re asking.”
She shook her head fractionally. “I’m not asking anything. I never have. I like you, Gabe. I...I more than like you. I wouldn’t have spent last night with you if I didn’t feel—”
“You want a future, Lauren,” he said, and cut her off before she said something she’d inevitably regret. “A future that includes marriage and children and a lifetime together.” He inhaled deeply. “It’s a future we all take for granted. Until you’re told you might not have it.”
“But you said you were okay now.”
“The cancer could still come back. I wasn’t given a one hundred percent chance of making it past five years,” he said, and ran a hand through his hair. “Not exactly dead man walking, but close enough that I knew I had to make a few decisions.”
Her mouth thinned. “Decisions?”
“About my life,” he explained. “About how I wanted to live my life. I left my home, my career and my family because I’d had enough of people treating me as though I was somehow changed...or that having cancer had changed me. Because despite how much I didn’t want to admit it, I was changed. I am changed. And until I know for sure that I have a future, I’m not going to jump into a relationship.” He stared at her. “Not with anyone.”
