by Jim Ladd
There was a huge flash as something disappeared behind a gigantic asteroid. Sam watched the asteroid closely.
“Oh no, it can’t be,” he said. But it was. “It’s Gravity’s Revenge! Black-Hole Beard is coming!”
Chapter One
SHADOWED!
“Full speed ahead!” Sam yelled.
The large sails of the spaceship Jolly Apollo filled with solar winds and tacked gracefully across the empty space of the Auroran solar system. The Jolly Apollo was no ordinary spaceship – it was a pirate ship! It was also a patched-up wreck, crewed by an assorted bunch of aliens who were quite possibly the most useless space pirates the galaxy had ever seen. All apart from one: the new cabin boy, Samson Starbuck.
“That’s it! That’s Lumiere Max!” said Sam, pointing at a nearby sun.
“Batten your hatch there, shipmate. Some of us are trying to get a well-earned rest,” replied Captain Comet.
Comet was the captain of the Apollo. He was tall, thin and three-eyed (though eye patches covered two of his eyes), with a magnificent waxed moustache. Dressed in a long frock coat and tricorn hat, he looked every inch the perfect pirate. Unfortunately, Comet’s dress-sense was the most pirate-like thing about him. At that precise moment he was lounging in a chair with a pair of three-lensed sunglasses perched on his nose and a foaming glass of grum in his hand.
Grum was the drink of choice for pirates – a kind of foamy lemonade that encouraged singing and kept space-scurvy away.
“But Captain,” Sam insisted, “Lumiere Max is on my parents’ map!”
Sam’s parents had been spaceship-wrecked on the legendary Planet X, but had managed to use their ship’s homing beacon to send Sam a map, scribbled on a piece of spacesuit material.
The little planet where Sam and his parents lived was a barren rock in the middle of nowhere, with nothing on it apart from his parent’s lab and a port full of vicious space pirates. Luckily, the only thing space pirates love more than bowling is treasure, and every pirate had heard the rumours about Planet X – a lost planet made of solid gold. When Sam had shown Captain Comet the map, he’d been welcomed aboard as the newest member of the Jolly Apollo’s crew.
“Lumiere Max? Are you sure?” asked Comet, suddenly interested.
He fished around inside his coat and pulled out the scrap of silvery spacesuit material the map was drawn on. Pushing his sunglasses up on to his head he peered at it intently. He blinked, and then – making sure no one was looking – flicked up his eye-patches to reveal two perfectly good eyes. He stared again at the map.
“Well, blow down me main braces, that’s right!” Comet muttered to himself. He flipped his patches back down and cleared his throat. “Well done, Sam. I wondered when you’d spot it. I’d noticed it myself ages ago, of course.”
Across the deck, Barney the ship’s cook – a huge squid-like alien – grinned and rolled his eyes at Comet’s boastful ways. Barney was using a curved mirror to barbeque some disgusting-looking fishy lumps in the heat of the sun.
“Right-ho! Pegg, Legg – plot a course to the centre of that sun,” said Comet to his two-headed first mate.
“Aye, aye, sir!” replied Legg, the happy head.
“Are you quite sure about that, Cap’n?” Pegg, the grumpy one, asked warily.
“Yes, yes, quite sure,” said Comet.
“Of course he’s sure!” Legg told his other head.
“‘Of course he’s sure’,” Pegg replied in a singsong voice, mocking Legg.
“I think Pegg might have a point,” said Sam, looking over Comet’s shoulder at the map. “I mean, if you get too close to a star like Lumiere Max the heat would melt a ship like this, wouldn’t it? Yes, look, you’ve got the map upside down.”
“What are you talking about?” snapped Comet, spinning the map around and looking at it at different angles. “Oh well! I mean, there you go – clearly we shouldn’t be going into the sun! Pegg, Legg – set a course away from the sun and towards the Corkscrew Galaxy. Honestly! If only your mother could write properly, Samson!” Comet flicked his sunglasses back down and dropped huffily into his deck chair.
Sam shook his head and did his best to try and ignore the dreadful smell wafting from Barney’s barbeque. Perhaps missing lunch today would be a good idea.
Around him the alien crew of the Apollo swung into action as the ship changed course. Lines were hauled to adjust the sails high above Sam’s head.
“A little help here, shipmate,” called one of the crew and Sam dashed over to lend a hand, wrapping one of the great ropes around a bollard on the side of the deck rails. At the back of the hull, rocket boosters rumbled into life as the spaceship increased speed.
Suddenly Captain Comet sat bolt upright and clutched at his moustache, which was quivering like the tail of a Vaporian Tremble Hound. Sam had seen this once before, back on the planet Jungrum when a grumigator was about to attack. Comet’s twitching face fuzz meant only one thing – danger!
“Is everything OK, Captain?” asked Sam.
“I think so,” said Comet doubtfully. “It’s probably just Barney’s cooking. I mean there’s nothing to see out there.”
He waved airily at the emptiness of space around them.
“Right then, me hearties,” said Comet, getting up. “It’s going to be a while before we get to the Corkscrew Galaxy – what say we have a game of bowling while we wait?”
The crew cheered enthusiastically. Sam hadn’t met a space pirate yet who didn’t love to bowl. The crew started to head down to the below-deck bowling alley. Sam waited as they filed downstairs. From where he was he could hear the sound of pirates emptying their lockers and sea chests for their bowling shoes. Sam was just about to follow them when he noticed Pegg and Legg fighting over a telescope.
“I had it first!” shouted Legg.
“You couldn’t see a space haddock if it was slapping you in the face!” snapped Pegg. “Here, give it to me!”
“What in the name of Quark are you two arguing about now?” called Comet, sticking his head back up the stairway.
“I thought I saw something,” replied Legg.
“And I was going to check!” said Pegg, trying to wrestle the telescope away.
“Let me have a look,” said Sam, gently prising the telescope from the first mate.
Sam scanned the space around him, but there was nothing to be seen but stars, moons, asteroids and the hazy mists of a distant nebula. Sam swung the telescope past the bright glow of rocket boosters – and stopped. Hang on – rocket boosters? He looked again, but there was nothing there. Then there was a flash as something disappeared behind a gigantic asteroid. Sam increased the magnification and watched the asteroid closely.
There was another flash of rocket booster as a spaceship scuttled across to another hiding place behind another, closer asteroid.
“Oh no, it can’t be,” said Sam, a deep sense of dread shivering through him. But it was.
“It’s the Gravity’s Revenge! Black-Hole Beard is coming!”
Chapter Two
GRAVITY’S REVENGE
Black-Hole Beard was the meanest, fiercest, most ruthless pirate to sail the seven galaxies. He had always bullied, mocked and generally trampled all over Captain Comet and the Jolly Apollo, until Sam joined the crew. Black-Hole Beard had already tried to steal the map to Planet X, and would have got away with it if Sam hadn’t swapped the grum bottle containing the map for an empty one. Now Black-Hole Beard was out for revenge!
“By Neptune’s beard!” shouted Comet in a panic. “Are you sure? Quick – hide the grum! All hands on deck! Splice the main wheel! Polish the anchor! Twist the yard arm!”
“I think the captain’s having one of his panic attacks,” muttered one of the crew.
“Perhaps one of my
Flugel Squid kebabs might help,” said Barney, lifting a slimy-looking mess in one of his tentacles.
“Your cooking is never the answer,” sneered Pegg. “Not unless the question is: ‘what’s the only thing in the Universe that’s more disgusting than a vomit worm?’”
“Barney tries his best!” cried Legg, the nicer of the two heads.
“Hold on,” said Sam. “I don’t think he’s trying to catch us.”
“What’s that?” said Comet, peering from around the main mast.
Sam fiddled with the settings on the telescope and looked again.
“Nope, he’s definitely keeping the same distance away – I think he’s trying to follow us to Planet X.”
“No one outsmarts Captain Joseph Hercules Invictus Comet!” shouted the Jolly Apollo’s captain. “Right-ho, me hearties, set those rocket boosters to maximum and let’s get out of here.”
“Hold on a minute, Captain,” said Sam. “If we run now they’ll just follow us. But they don’t know that we know what they’re up to. Why don’t we wait until they’re behind a particularly big asteroid and then hit the accelerator? It might give us a bit of a head start.”
“Just what I was going to say,” said Comet, but even he couldn’t help blushing a little at the lie. “Well done, Sam. I can see you’re learning quickly under my expert guidance. OK, crew, stand by!”
For a few nail-biting minutes, Sam and the crew watched as Gravity’s Revenge slunk up behind them. As it edged behind a particularly large chunk of space rock, Sam called out to Comet. “OK, Captain, they’re out of sight.”
“Mr Piole, hard to port! Mr Vulpus, maximum thrust!” Comet shouted.
The Apollo lurched forwards and then stopped, the engines backfired and then they were off again.
“Full sail ahead!” yelled Comet.
Everything was rattling so hard that Sam’s teeth juddered. He gripped on to the shaking deck rail for support as the ship jerked up and down as if it was about to fall apart. Worst of all, they still seemed to be travelling quite slowly.
“Iiiiiiisssss thiiiisssss iiiiiitttttt?” he asked, the rattling ship bouncing the words from his mouth.
“Whhaaaaattttt?” said Comet.
“Issss thisss assss fassstt assss ttthe Appppolllllo goesssss?”
Comet gave the main mast a sharp kick and the shaking stopped.
“We are actually travelling at speeds so fast they are beyond your planet-lubber’s imagination. Inexperience is deceiving your eyes, my boy,” Comet replied grandly.
He patted the mast proudly, which immediately set the ship off shaking again. Quickly Comet slapped the ship and the rattling ceased. He stared off into the distance pretending nothing had happened.
“Hmmm,” Sam replied, watching a shoal of surprised-looking Gaspasian space fish overtake them. Gaspasian space fish were famous for being so round they looked like balloons. They were also famous for being incredibly slow.
“Ha! This is the life,” said Comet, clapping Sam on the back. “Tearing through the galaxies, outwitting your enemies – the life of a space pirate is a grand one indeed! I wonder how long it’ll be before that numbskull Black-Hole Beard realises we’ve got away?”
KKKEEEERRRBBBOOOOOOOMMMM! A flash from a laser cannon tore across the Apollo’s deck. Everyone ducked as the laserball skimmed over their heads and exploded.
“I guess they’ve worked it out!” shouted Sam as he grabbed a telescope. He quickly zoomed in on Gravity’s Revenge, which was in hot pursuit. “Yep, they’re on our tail.”
“Would you look at that!” said Comet indignantly, holding up his tricorn hat. There was a huge smoking scorch hole where the laser blast had cut through it. “My second-best hat! Mr Zlit, please bring my third-best hat from my cabin – it’s just been promoted. Sheesh! Any lower and it would have hit me square in the face. Oh my… I feel a little faint.”
Comet staggered over to the main mast and slid down it into an unconscious heap.
KKKEEEERRRBBBOOOOOOOMMMM!
Another laser cannon blast ripped across the bows of the Apollo. Sam knew they needed to do something – and fast!
“Piole, hard to starboard!” Sam shouted.
The Jolly Apollo lurched to the right, just as another laserball exploded into the space where they had just been.
“Piole, keep zigzagging!” Sam shouted.
“That’s right, Mr Teddy, that’s right,” muttered Captain Comet in his sleep, before rolling over on his side and sucking his thumb.
Another blast flashed across the deck, slicing through some of the rigging. The ropes snapped in the breeze with a crack like a laser musket. The noise was enough to wake the collapsed captain.
“What’s going on?” asked Comet, groggily, as he struggled to his feet.
“Everything’s under control, Captain,” said Sam. “For the moment, anyway.”
Suddenly the large on-deck holoscreen flickered into life. The face of Black-Hole Beard loomed large over the Apollo’s crew. A huge, thick black beard covered most of his face and was tied in tight bunches. Above the grizzled beard, two small black eyes burned with fury. On Black-Hole Beard’s shoulder sat Baggot, his strange bird-like companion.
“Here we go,” sighed Comet, as he watched the flickering image. “I wish I was still unconscious.”
“Comet! Comet, you mangy sea urchin! I’m coming to get you, you lily-livered son of a space cow!” bellowed Black-Hole Beard.
“Cawr! Cawr! Slowest Comet in the Universe!” squawked Baggot.
“That’s right, me beauty,” said Black-Hole Beard. “There’s nowhere to run to, and there’s nowhere you can hide!”
“Your ship is too slow,
And there’s nowhere to go! Cawr,” sang Baggot.
“I’m coming for that map, Comet,” snarled Black-Hole Beard, “and when I get it, you’re FINISHED!”
Chapter Three
THE NEBULA
Captain Comet cowered in a ball on the deck. He looked as if he was trying to fold his lanky limbs as far as possible inside his hat, like a squid trying to squeeze itself into a bean can.
“He’s right,” Comet whimpered. “The Revenge is much faster than us – we can’t outrun it. We’re just going to have to hand over the map. If we stop now he might be merciful. He’ll probably steal all our grum again, but I can live with that.”
“No!” shouted Sam. He wasn’t going to surrender the map to the evil pirate captain – the fate of his parents was resting on it. Besides, he wasn’t going to let Comet be pushed around by Black-Hole Beard.
“We don’t have to give the map up,” Sam continued. “We can’t run, but we can hide – look!” Sam pointed into the distance. Ahead of them was a nebula, a gigantic misty cloud where stars were made.
“That looks big enough to lose a dozen galaxies inside, never mind a spaceship,” said Sam.
“By Pluto’s moons, you’re right,” said Comet. “Pegg, Legg, do we have enough speed in the old girl to get us there before the Revenge?”
“They say ’tis bad luck to cross a nebula,” grumbled Pegg.
“Aye, you’re right there, shipmate,” replied Legg, agreeing with his other head for once.
“It’d be very unlucky to stay here!” said Sam as another laser cannon streaked across their bows.
“Do we have enough speed to get there?” Comet demanded.
The first mate checked the instruments, had a quick argument between its heads, hit the instrument panel with a fist then checked the readings again.
“Aye, aye, Cap’n, we reckon we do,” they replied. “But, Captain—”
“Come on, Captain,” Sam urged.
Comet looked from his first mate to his cabin boy and back again. Another cannon blast finally made his mind up for him. He nodded at Sam.
“Zlit, set a course for that nebula!” Sam shouted to the crocodile-headed alien that was steering the Apollo.
“And make it snappy!” said Comet. “Emergency thrust!”
&n
bsp; The Jolly Apollo lurched violently in the direction of the nebula, its engines whining under the strain. The sudden increase in speed seemed to catch Gravity’s Revenge by surprise – Sam guessed that most ships just surrendered when Black-Hole Beard was chasing them, but the Jolly Apollo was streaking away.
From the Apollo, the crew could see the Revenge’s rocket boosters firing into overdrive. But it was too little, too late. Even though Gravity’s Revenge was the biggest, fastest pirate ship in the galaxy and the Jolly Apollo was a clapped-out barge of a ship, there was nothing Black-Hole Beard could do about it. The Jolly Apollo was getting away.
“Ha ha! Eat my stardust, Beardy!” shouted Comet.
He leaned against the ship’s rails next to Sam and they both looked at the fast-approaching nebula. The first misty wisps of the cosmic cloud began to curl around the ship as it rattled its way onwards at top speed.
“It’s strange,” he mused, “we’re getting away from the Revenge, but my moustache is still quivering like a Canalopian banjo string.”
“There’s something about this I don’t like,” said Barney, twisting his tentacles with worry.
“Terrible bad luck,” Pegg said blackly. Legg nodded sadly.
The gassy clouds of the nebula closed around the Jolly Apollo, hiding them completely from view.
Small rocks drifted by in the mist, with dark shapes moving on them.
Zlit let go of the wheel and staggered to the back of the ship. “I don’t like it, Cap’n,” he cried.
“Oh no, it can’t be,” said Vulpus, peering at the passing rocks. “It is! Look – crabs.”
He pointed at a large rock which was covered with scuttling crustaceans.
“Crabs on the rock, you’re in for a shock,” recited Pegg, with terror etched on his face.
