by A J McDine
‘But she kept finding you.’
‘How do you know?’
‘She told me. She was quite proud of herself.’
‘The first time I moved I left a forwarding address with a couple of mates. I never made that mistake again. With every move I became more careful not to leave any clues behind. I had to be. I deleted all my social media accounts, I always rented. I even changed my name. You should really be Sophie French.’ He looks at me warily.
‘She told me that, too. Honestly, Matt, why didn’t you tell me about her?’
He buries his head in his hands again and when he speaks his voice is muffled by his fingers. ‘I don’t know. I guess I wanted to pretend it never happened. I hadn’t heard from her in over eight years and I thought I was free. What you and I had was so… so perfect, that I didn’t want it to be tarnished by that evil bitch. What if she tracked me down and tried to hurt you, too?’
‘She did though, didn’t she? She tried to steal our baby!’ My voice is as squeaky as a dog toy. I take a deep breath and try again. ‘You should have warned me about her. It was irresponsible… no, selfish, not to.’
‘You have no idea how sorry I am.’
He looks so dejected that I feel a twinge of sympathy for him. But only a twinge. ‘When did you realise she’d tracked you down again?’
‘About eight months ago. It followed the usual pattern. First, I’d get a couple of missed calls from an unknown number, then she’d leave a message asking if I wanted to meet up for a drink as ‘friends’ to talk about old times. Of course I didn’t want to talk about old times,’ he explodes. ‘It was the worst time of my entire life. The last thing I wanted was to relive it.’ He leans back in his seat and addresses the ceiling. ‘Then she started calling me at the bank. I was pissed off but not overly worried.’
I raise my eyebrows.
‘I knew there was no way she could know I was married. But she turned up at Moira’s and charmed her way in, claiming to be a friend of my sister. I don’t even have a fucking sister, but Moira wasn’t to know. I suppose I should have warned her.’
‘And Moira told her about me?’
‘They had a very cosy chat, apparently. Moira gave her chapter and verse about how I was married and only lived in Brighton during the week. She told Leanne we lived in Canterbury and that you worked at a community garden. It would have been easy to find you.’
‘And so she drops a flyer through our door offering me a discount on a haircut.’ I remember finding the sheet on the doormat and thinking it was fate. ‘What would she have done if I hadn’t booked an appointment?’
‘She’d have found another way to inveigle herself into your life. She’s like bindweed, insidious and impossible to get rid of.’
Teddy stirs in his cot.
‘I wonder what she thought when she realised I was pregnant.’ I think back. ‘She was always so interested in the baby. But not just that. She seemed to genuinely care.’
Lying in a hospital bed watching my husband literally wringing his hands, his face a mask of self-torment, I wonder how I could have been so naive as to let a complete stranger into my life. Deep down I know why. With Matt away all week I was lonely. Since I lost touch with Lou I’ve never actively sought the friendship of other women. Too scared I’d get hurt again. I have many acquaintances but no close girlfriends, and I thought that was fine. But when Matt became a part-time husband it wasn’t enough. Roz filled the hole he left. How bloody ironic. We had so much in common, only now I know it was all a sham. A friendship built on deceit and duplicity that could have ended catastrophically.
‘How could I have been so stupid?’
‘If it’s any consolation, you’re not the only one she deceived,’ says Matt, his voice low.
My eyes harden. ‘You lied to me, too. How are you any better than her?’
‘I did it to protect you!’
‘You still lied. How do I know it won’t happen again? Even my name is a lie. How do I know I can trust you?’
‘I give you my word.’
‘You tell me - is that enough?’
He meets my gaze, his eyes unnaturally bright. ‘Where does that leave us?’
I turn away. All these lies. I can’t deal with them anymore. My future has to be based on the truth or it’s not worth living. ‘Honestly?’ I say. ‘I don’t know.’
Chapter Forty-Nine
Now
We sit in awkward silence until Teddy wakes up as abruptly as he fell asleep and, at the top of his lungs, demands a feed. I start to shuffle out of bed, but am beaten to the cot by Lou, who sweeps into the room, orders me back to bed and scoops Teddy out of his cot and into my arms.
Matt looks away as I feed our baby. I assumed he’d be the original hands-on dad, fumbling with nappies and changing sleepsuits, all fingers and thumbs. But he hasn’t had any interaction with Teddy since he’s been here. He hardly seems to notice Teddy’s even in the room. So much for my fantasies about our happy little family. I run my finger across Teddy’s forehead and wonder yet again how it all went wrong.
Lou clucks about like a mother hen, re-arranging the few belongings on my bedside cabinet and straightening the curtains.
‘There’s a couple outside,’ she says. ‘Look like coppers to me. They were waiting by the nurses’ station. Reckon they’re here to see you.’
My spirits lift a little. ‘Maybe they’ve found her.’
Lou pats my shoulder. ‘Best not get your hopes up, sweetheart. I’ll go and find them, shall I?’
I nod and she slips out of the door.
Matt, having spent the last few minutes brooding, has obviously decided that attack is the best form of defence, because the minute she’s gone he jumps to his feet, thrusts his hands in his pockets and stalks over to the window.
‘We’re not all completely blameless though, are we? I thought we were a team, but you made a unilateral decision to name our son. And, not only was I not consulted, you decided to name him after your first love. How do you think that makes me feel? I’ll tell you, shall I? Pretty shit.’
‘Who told you about me and Ed?’
‘Lou. She assumed I knew, of course, but it turns out you’re pretty good at keeping secrets, too.’ He spins on his heels to face me and my heart thumps. ‘Were you ever going to tell me Ed got you pregnant at seventeen and that the abortion you had was the cause of all our fertility problems?’
I’m silent. What can I say that’s going to make this any better?
‘You let me think it was all my fault. You even made me have the tests, for Christ’s sake. I was sent into a room with a little plastic pot and a couple of dirty mags with other men’s sticky fingerprints all over them and told to do the business. I didn’t mind. I would have done anything for you.’
My heart constricts. Would have.
‘You call me a liar, but you’re no better yourself. You know what they say about glass houses and stones, Sophie.’
I recoil at the naked hostility in his voice. ‘I’m -’ I falter. The fact is I don’t know what I am. Because he’s right, isn’t he? I kept secrets, too. Big, ugly secrets with lasting consequences. He’s entitled to be angry. ‘I’m -’
I don’t have a chance to finish because Lou bursts in, followed closely by DC Sam Bennett and her musclebound sidekick PC Dillon Grant. They’re both in civvies today, but there’s no mistaking they’re police. It’s something about the world-weary, seen-it-all slant of their shoulders.
I can tell by Lou’s face that they don’t bear good news, but I ask anyway, despising the pitiful tinge of hope in my voice. ‘Have you found her?’
DC Bennett shakes her head. ‘Not yet.’
‘She seems to have vanished into thin air,’ PC Grant says.
His colleague shoots him a contemptuous look and perches on the chair Matt has vacated. ‘It seems Ms Beaumont has a number of aliases. She also has previous for stalking and harassment. You’re not the only people she’s become obsessed by, if that
’s any consolation.’
‘Not really,’ says Matt.
‘We think she probably stole a car, fitted it with false plates and parked it up nearby so she could escape with the baby.’
‘She could be halfway to Scotland by now,’ adds PC Dillon.
DC Bennett rolls her eyes. ‘We’re applying for a search warrant to search her flat, so that might throw up some leads, and we’re looking at reports of stolen vehicles over the last few days, but the fact is she could have stolen a car weeks ago. She put a lot of thought into this.’
‘You seem to be taking it very seriously,’ says Lou. ‘Is that because you think she’s a danger to Sophie, Matt and the baby?’
I watch the detective closely. She pauses and glances at me, as if she’s weighing up whether I can take the truth.
‘In light of what happened we’re treating both the arson at Angela Platt’s home and the incident last night as attempted murder. I’ve also been talking to Hampshire Police about the Tess Andrews case. By luck I managed to track down the DC who filed a report for the coroner and he was only too happy to reminisce. He said he’d always had a niggling feeling something wasn’t right, but he was over-ruled by his DI at the time, so it never went any further. I wouldn’t be surprised if they didn’t re-open the investigation in the light of Roz Beaumont’s confession to Sophie.’
‘She didn’t actually confess,’ I say.
‘But murdering a love rival fits her modus operandi, doesn’t it?’ Lou says.
Matt is silent through this exchange. He’s standing at the window, his arms wrapped around his body. He looks… desolate. There’s no other word for it. As though his world has come crashing down around him. I realise with sudden clarity just how much he must have loved Tess. I always thought I was the love of his life, but everything is recalibrating before my eyes. All the things I thought I knew, the things I took for granted, are shifting and reforming into a reality that bears no resemblance to the one I’ve been living for the last decade. I’m reminded of the kaleidoscope my parents bought me for my seventh birthday. A nondescript, grey telescope-like affair, it used light and mirrors to create complicated, ever-changing patterns. Scenes changing with the flick of a wrist.
My life, my predictable, comfortable, taken-for-granted life, was an illusion. Not light and mirrors like my much-loved kaleidoscope, but smoke and mirrors. I correct myself. Not even an illusion. A delusion. Our life together was built on foundations so shaky they crumbled at the first sign of trouble. Because it’s clear Matt doesn’t love me the way he loved Tess. He was in love with her when we met. Still is, I think, watching the wretched slump of his shoulders. I was his rebound relationship, the one everyone warns you is doomed to fail. I will him to return my gaze, to reassure me with those brilliant blue eyes that I’m wrong, that although he loved Tess, his heart belongs to me now. But he refuses to meet my eye. A single tear splashes onto Teddy’s downy head. I wipe it away with my thumb before anyone notices.
I become aware that Lou and the two police officers are watching me. ‘Sorry,’ I murmur. ‘I was miles away.’
DC Bennett hands me a piece of paper on which a jumble of numbers and letters are written in smudged ink. ‘I was saying, we have to get back to the nick now, but you need to contact us the minute Roz gets in touch, OK? Phone 999 and give that reference number.’
She must notice the alarm on my face because she adds, ‘If she gets in touch. She probably won’t. She has too much to lose. But if she does… ’
‘I’ll phone you,’ I say quietly.
‘Good.’ Her voice softens. ‘And enjoy the little one. I know your life will soon seem like an endless round of nappies and feeds and sleepless nights, but in the blink of an eye he’ll be setting off to uni and the house will feel very empty without him, take it from me.’
Matt follows the two officers out of the room and I stare at the crime reference number until it blurs with tears. I stifle a sob.
Lou is beside me in an instant. ‘Soph, what’s the matter?’
‘Matt doesn’t love me anymore.’
‘He told you that, did he?’
‘He didn’t have to. He hates me.’
‘I’m sure he doesn’t.’
‘I never told him about the abortion.’
Lou sits down heavily on the bed, causing Teddy to give a little whimper. ‘Shit. I assumed he knew.’ She frowns. ‘But he didn’t say it was news to him.’
‘He was obviously bottling it up. It all came out while you were gone. He’s pissed off I named Teddy without consulting him, even more so because I’ve named him after Ed, but he’s absolutely furious I made him go through infertility tests even though I should have realised I was the one with the problem.’
‘I’m sure he’ll come around in time.’
I focus on the sweep of Teddy’s long lashes, trying to swallow the lump that seems to be a permanent fixture at the back of my throat. ‘I’m not sure he will.’
I had no choice but to flee. I crawled up the cellar steps, stole through the garden and melted into the night.
The car was where I left it, halfway along an overgrown farm track south of the city. I took a risk, leaving the keys in the ignition, but I’m glad I did. The car started first time, the sound of the throaty diesel engine a salve to my battered psyche.
I felt disorientated, bewildered. Numb. I had planned for every eventuality. At least I thought I had.
I hadn’t bargained on Lou coming to the rescue, risking her own life to save Sophie’s.
I hadn’t planned for the power of friendship.
After all the hours spent plotting, the research, the spreadsheet, the preparations, what a schoolgirl error to make.
As I turned right and headed towards the A2 and London I heard the faint wail of sirens. I slammed my foot on the accelerator and sped towards the slip-road.
I’d been close, so close, to picking up the second syringe and injecting my own veins with oblivion.
What stopped me? Fear of the unknown? Sheer bloody-mindedness? The knowledge that this didn’t have to be the end - that I could still claim my future one day?
I still don’t know.
All I do know is this. Lou would have killed me.
Sophie showed me mercy. She spared my life.
Maybe I’ll find it in myself to show her mercy, too. Maybe I’ll leave her to enjoy her perfect little life with her perfect husband and her perfect baby.
But taking what’s rightfully mine has been my raison d’être, my motivation, for so long.
Without it I have nothing.
Maybe I won’t.
Chapter Fifty
Six months later
I pull into the lane that leads to the church and park behind a beaten-up Fiesta. In his car seat beside me, Teddy is gnawing on his favourite teething ring, his bib already drenched in dribble.
‘All set for your big day, little man?’
His big, blue eyes light up at the sound of my voice and his arms and legs pump the air in excitement. I pull up the handbrake and check my reflection in the rear-view mirror. Despite Lou’s liberal application of Touche Éclat the dark shadows under my eyes are clearly visible. Teddy still isn’t sleeping through, and no amount of concealer can eradicate six months’ worth of broken nights.
‘You don’t care how haggard I look, do you, Teddy Bear?’ I say, pulling a silly face. He rewards me with a gurgle of laughter, easing the butterflies in my stomach. I don’t know why I’m so nervous. Stupid really.
I shiver as I let myself out of the warmth of the car. The forecast warned the temperature wouldn’t rise above freezing today and my breath clouds in front of me as I make my way to the passenger side and lift Teddy from his car seat.
He grabs a fistful of my hair as we crunch up the gravel path and through the lych gate into the church. The vicar, a round-faced man with a welcoming smile and a faint stammer, is in the porch, sorting through hymnbooks and orders of service. I cough politely and he scu
rries over.
‘Sophie! I wasn’t expecting you so early. And bonny T-Teddy, looking very smart, I must say.’
‘We wanted to make sure we were the first ones here. I think most of the gardeners and all the volunteers are coming.’
‘S-splendid!’ says the vicar, looking genuinely pleased. Cam sits just within the boundary of his parish and he is one of our longest-standing trustees and a regular face at our fundraising events and open days.
The double doors to the church are closed but the vicar deposits the orders of service onto a shelf and flings them open. ‘Everyone’s been very b-busy, as you’ll see,’ he says mysteriously.
I follow him into the church and gasp in delight. The end of every pew has been decorated with posies of pale-almond hellebores, buttercup-yellow wintersweet and sprays of silver-grey eucalyptus. Twists of variegated ivy and winter jasmine trail along the backs of each pew and in pride of place next to the font is a stunning arrangement of rose hips, red and white amaryllis, ferns and magnolia leaves. The whole effect is one of simple rustic beauty and the scent is mind-blowing.
‘Who did this?’ I ask in amazement.
‘It was R-Rosie’s idea, but everyone pitched in. She, Mary and Nancy scoured the hedgerows for greenery and Martin and Geoff were in charge of the ivy and eucalyptus. They spent yesterday afternoon arranging everything.’
‘I had no idea.’
‘Rosie was adamant it was a surprise.’
I smile. ‘It’s certainly that.’
Even though I’m still officially on maternity leave I’ve been spending a couple of mornings a week at Cam. I know they can manage perfectly well without me, but it’s hard to stay away and anyway, Teddy loves going. Everyone makes such a fuss of him.
The door creaks on its hinges and I look up to see Lou sweeping down the aisle towards us. She’s wearing a shimmery silk dress the colour of champagne, a matching coat fastened with a diamanté clip, vertiginous nude heels and a complicated organza and feather fascinator. It makes the simple, print dress I dug out of the back of my wardrobe look understated to say the least.
