boots
I’ve got some really dark red lipstick and nail polish and I know Mum will have some ludicrous top I can borrow in Lurex or Lycra. And I’ll wear my three-quarter suede boots.
saturday evening
In the bedroom of life, tarting myself up for another long evening of goosegogging and silly dancing. But ho hum, pig’s bum, I mustn’t forget that I may well be the person that Masimo likes and doesn’t want to upset. Yessss!!! Or possibly noooooo.
At least my mates will be there and also Dave the Laugh. You know, in a friendy way that will be nice.
7:00 p.m.
We all met at the clock tower.
Jools, Mabs, Ellen, and Jas were there when I came up the hill. Blimey O’Reilly’s trousers, they are all quite literally rock chicks. Everyone is wearing black with just a hint of black. Even Jas has backcombed her hair. Because I will not be snogging anyone tonight, I have been able to risk the boy entrancers. I got some in Boots with the sparkly bits in them. I think they look vair vair cool.
I said to the gang, “Where is Rosie?”
Jools said, “She rang just before I left to say that Sven was having trouble getting his trousers on, so they would meet us at Katie’s.”
Good grief.
katie steadman’s house
7:40 p.m.
The house looks quite cool, actually. Katie has got disco lights everywhere, and a boy dressed all in leather (hmmm that will be nice later on as it is about a million degrees tonight) is at the record decks.
7:45 p.m.
There are fairy lights hung in the trees in the garden! I am almost beginning to cheer up.
Katie gave us some snacksies and said, “Everyone is going to come, all the lads from sixth form college, the Foxwood crowd, the St. John’s boys, er, who else? Oh yeah, the Dame and his mates and the girls of Moorgrange are bringing mates. I even saw Dom, you know, from the Stiff Dylans, and he said they would try and pop by.”
She went away and I just stood there.
I turned to Jas, who was eating her sausage roll like she hadn’t eaten anything for about a fortnight, AND we had had cheesy snacks on the way here.
“Did you hear that, Jas? Did you? Did you? Did you hear that?”
She was chewing and went, “Ummmnff.”
“Jas, is that yes or no?”
“Nnfff.”
I took it as a yes.
“The Stiff Dylans are coming and do you know what that means? That means that Masimo will be coming, because he is in the Stiff Dylans.”
She didn’t seem a bit interested, too busy eating her sausage thing and beaking around, looking at who was there and who they were with and so on. She is very superficial.
I was going to tell the others about the Luuurve God and ask their gang advice when there was the sound of yodeling. Sven had arrived. Crikey, his loons were the tightest I had ever seen. And he was wearing a fringed cowboy jacket and cowboy hat. Both silver. I don’t know what sort of rock bands they have in Lapland or wherever he comes from and I don’t want to. Rosie was not much better. She had on the tiniest dress and thigh-length boots, with shades. (I don’t mean the boots had shades, they were not that famous.)
Sven came over to us. “Hello, you wild and sexy chicks. Take me! Use me, you lady animals!!!”
And then he picked us up one by one, bent us backward and kissed us full on the mouth. It is absolutely no use appealing to either him or Rosie. The music started and he went off into one of his alarming dance routines. How he manages to do the splits in those trousers I will never know. It was a very good job that Katie had cleared everything from the room. The leather DJ person looked alarmed. I bet he was hoping he chose records that Sven liked.
8:45 p.m.
The party is really rocking now. Masses of people have arrived.
No sign of Masimo or the Stiff Dylans, though. My nerves are shot to pieces. I have to go to the piddly diddly department about every two seconds. Should I take the boy entrancers off to save any incidents?
10:00 p.m.
Having a breather in the garden.
As usual the whole thing has turned into a snogathon. The Dame arrived with his mates and he made a beeline for me. “Hello, gorgeous, remember me?”
Oh yes, I remembered the Dame. Since I had used my sticky eyes technique on him at one of Rosie’s parties, he was like my slavey boy. I wouldn’t mind, but I had only been using him to make Dave the Laugh jealous. Speaking of which. I wonder where Dave was. Not that I care.
The Dame was looking at my mouth and then let his eyes drift down to my nunga area.
Did he really think that was sexy?
Then he said, “Do you fancy, you know, coming outside with me?”
I said, “We are outside.”
Any normal person would have seen the light then, but not the Dame. “Yeah, but do you want to come even more outside?”
Is he mad? I am never using the sticky eye technique again. I was wondering whether I could just deck him and run when Dave the Laugh appeared at my elbow! He winked at me.
“Good evening, sensation seekers.”
I have never been so glad to see anyone in my life.
I gave him my biggest smile, not even bothering to not let my nose spread out all over my face.
I said, “Dave!!! Fabby to see you!”
He looked a bit surprised. “Steady there, soldier, I know I’m gorgeous, but…”
I got hold of his arm and said, “I love this song—let’s dance.”
And I dragged him onto the dance floor.
half an hour later
I must say I do have a lorra lorra larfs with Dave and he is a cool dancer. He does this pretend air guitar leaping thing that really makes me laugh. We even did a bit of dancing where we went back to back air guitar dancing and lowered ourselves to the floor and back up again. Everyone clapped.
10:40 p.m.
Rosie was holding two drinks in her hands talking to me about her lovely imaginary wedding.
“I think for snacks we’ll have a reindeer theme.” Then her “fiancé” came up from behind her and pulled her knickers down. Honestly. Her knickers were round her ankles and she couldn’t pull them up because of her hands being full. Sven went off doing his mad dancing, shouting, “Oh jah oh jah!”, his electric colored loons shining on the dance floor.
Rosie said to me, “Take the drinks, ohmygod, ohmygod, quick quick.”
But I was laughing too much.
I wanted to help her, but it was just too funny.
In the end she had to shuffle over to a table with her undercrackers round her ankles to put the glasses down. Then she pulled her knickers up and went on the warpath to find her fiancé. Vair funny, actually.
11:30 p.m.
I had lost everyone for a moment and I was so hot from the dancing that I went outside to get some air.
I was leaning against the wall when Dave fell out of the French windows. He saw me and said, “It’s our song, kittykat, let’s ROCK!”
He tried to drag me back inside, but I said, “Oh I can’t, I am too hot, I’ve got to have a breather.”
He said, “Hang on, missus, I’ll get us drinks.”
He disappeared inside and I could see him grooving his way through the dance floor, stopping to dance with groups of girls as he did. He is such a flirt.
He danced his way back with the drinks and we went and stood against a tree at the bottom of the garden. It was a really lovely summer’s evening and I didn’t even resent the stars anymore. In fact, they reminded me of my night with Masimo. I wondered if the Luuurve God would come. Then I thought that even if he did, it might be quite good for him to see me in the garden with Dave. It might hint at the right amount of glaciosity.
As I drank my drink I looked over the rim of the glass at Dave and he looked back at me. It seemed like ages that we just looked at each other. Then he took the glass out of my hand and put it down on a bench. He took my face in both his hands (I don’t mean he r
ipped it off my neck) and he leaned down and kissed me. He did his nip libbling thing. Wow, no one could deny—however much they loved a Luuurve God—that Dave was top at snogging. I was just beginning to get the old jelloid knees and liquid brain scenario when Dave stopped. Nonono not the stopping thing!!! He said, “Oh no, miss, I am not going through this again.”
And he lightly smacked my bum and went off into the house.
What? What? Why did he smack my bum? Why did he stop nip libbling? What does he mean “I’m not going through this again?” I may be having a spaz attack.
I stayed in the garden for a bit and then went back into the house to find the gang. Sven had taken over at the controls of the music station and the DJ was saying, “Er, could you give me back my equipment, mate?”
Sven put his arm around him. Hmm. Then he kissed the DJ on the lips. I thought leather boy was going to throw up. But he has senseless courage, that has to be said, because he wrestled the controls back from Sven. Sven didn’t mind, he just stood with his arm around the DJ and nodded along to the music.
Jools and Rollo were snogging and dancing at the same time, so they were no use. Jas had gone home early because she wanted to be “fresh” for her ramble with Tom tomorrow. I could see Ellen chatting to Dave the Laugh so I wouldn’t be joining them. I couldn’t find Mabs anywhere. She was probably under a pile of coats somewhere snogging. She has very little pridenosity when it comes to having the general horn. (At the last Stiff Dylans gig, she was actually snogging with one of Tosser Thompson’s mates. Imagine snogging with a trainee tosser. Well, I didn’t have to imagine it because in the dark days before I eschewed red bottomosity with a firm hand, I had actually snogged Mark Big Gob. Erlack.)
I went into the kitchen and Ro Ro was in there collecting snacks for Sven. She said, “It’s a laugh, isn’t it?”
And I said, “Not many benny.”
As she went out, Katie came in and she said, “I’m having a groovy time, loads of peeps, aren’t there? Really groovy crowd. It’s a shame the Dylans couldn’t come, but Dom said they had an important meeting.”
Oh typico.
As I came out of the kitchen I saw Dave coming out of the living room with his jacket on. I must have really upset him if he was stropping home. I said to him, “Dave, are you going, maybe I’ll…”
And as I said that, Emma Jacobs from St. Mary’s came out from the room with her coat on. Dave took her hand and said to me, “Yeah, we’re quitting the scene, maaan. Stay cool, mate.”
Emma looked all girlie at him and they went off out into the night.
I didn’t want to talk to the others about it, so I thought I’d give Dave and Emma a few minutes and then I would sneak off myself. I felt really really weird.
midnight
I am quite literally tossed about on the sea of life.
Up whatsitcreek without a paddle.
Or even a canoe.
Why do I feel so weird about Dave going off with someone else? Serves me right because I was only going to use him as a decoy duckie thing. Except that it wasn’t just that. Because I really like him, and when I was kissing him I forgot about everything else. Even the fact that I am madly in luuurve with Masimo.
five minutes later
The streets are really quiet, except that I can see into lighted houses and there are people having fun. And I am out here on the unfun road.
I am full of confusiosity. Sometimes I feel so desperate, I almost wish I was like Jas. Not in the undercracker obsession department, but the way she just luuurves Hunky and doesn’t think about anyone else. Maybe it’s because he really likes her and doesn’t like anyone else and that encourages her. Or maybe it’s because her mutti and vati are like that. Maybe if she had a prostitute and a madman for parents she wouldn’t be so bloody smug and happy. Besides which she went off home without even coming to find me and see if I was alright. So I am obliged to hate her.
fifteen minutes later
I’ve come the long way home because I need to walk and think. This is the area where Dom lives; in fact, I think this is his street. I wonder if he is still going out with that girl? I expect he is; everyone else seems to stay together with people. They are not slaves to the horn.
one minute later
Oh my Goddygod, there is Dom with his girlfriend; they are sitting on a doorstep. It must be his house. I don’t want to let him see me walking home alone. He’ll tell Masimo he saw me sadly wandering about like a cloth-eared loon and that really will be the end of any chance I have for glaciosity and verve. If I walk really slowly backward they might not notice me and then I can get round the corner and…
Dom looked up to see me walking backward.
He called out, “Hey Georgia, what’s happening?”
Oh Goddygod.
I waved casually.
“Hi, Dom…just, just, dropped my, er…keys.”
What???
Dom got up and said, “Oh no, bummer, hang on, I’ll come and help you look. Oh and Masimo is inside. I’ll tell him you’re here.”
What???
Noooooooo.
I almost screamed at him, “NO…er, I mean, like, don’t bother him, I…”
But Dom had already gone inside his door followed by his girlfriend, who looked at me in a funny way. I bet she has got girl radar, I bet she knows that I haven’t dropped my keys and that I was just wandering the streets lonely as a clud. Maybe I could hide? Before they came back. Yes, yes, that was it, that was the sensible thing to do. I could just duck down behind a car and they would go away.
ducked down behind a car
thirty seconds later
Yes, yes, this would work. If I just stayed here until they had gone away, that would be good and fine. Yes yes. Still as a little mouse. I am a small invisible mousey girl. As I was crouching down a man came by walking his dog. He looked down at me and said, “Are you all right, love?”
And his bloody dog was licking at my face.
I said, “Yes, yes, I…”
“Have you lost something?”
“No, er, I mean yes, yes, it’s my keys.”
(Goawaygoaway, stop the licking thing. Be gone!)
I heard voices from the other side of the road, and Mr. Mad Neighborly shouted across, “Dominic, there is a young lady here who has lost her keys, come and have a look, will you? My eyes are not so good at night.”
Good enough to come and spy on perfectly innocent people hiding behind cars, you nosey wally type person. Why couldn’t he be like our neighbors? Mad and unhelpful? But oh no, he had to come HELPING along. What was I going to do?
one minute later
From my position on the ground I could see a lot of legs. This was beyond the Valley of the Very Nearly Quite Tragic and entering the Arena of the It’s All Gone Terribly Terribly Wrong.
Then I heard the words.
“Georgia? Ciao. Com esta?”
Excellent, a Luuurve God has landed.
How does he think I am?
He has dumped me because I am not full of sophisticosity and now he finds me crouching down behind a car in the middle of the night, with a dog licking my bum.
The only possible thing to do was to look up with a casualosity at all times sort of air about me.
I did. I looked up and smiled and said, “Blimey, Masimo, what a…surprise, yes, yes, I am, er fabbio, thanks.”
I stood up quickly and said, “Ahahahah found them!”
I was deliberately not looking at Masimo. Dom said, “Oh brilliant, where were they?”
I said, “Oh they must have dropped out of my handbag when I…when I got…when I got my…torch out.”
Why did I say that? What kind of person carries a torch with them, in a fully lit street? I’ll tell you what kind of person. An imaginary kind of person who is telling enormous porkies. Thank goodness it was night, at least they couldn’t see that my whole head was scarlet with just a hint of beetroot.
I risked a glance at Masimo and he was sort of smil
ing. Does he have to look so gorgey all the time? Then it occurred to me, maybe he thought that I was stalking him, that I had been hiding behind cars looking at him. Oh nooo.
I said, “I…er…was at Katie’s party.”
Dom said, “Oh yeah, shame we couldn’t come, mind you, tight leather jeans are not my best look. But your, er, top is cool.”
I looked down at my outfit. Oh excellent, how much like a prostitute did I look like lurking around the streets in thigh-length boots and Lurex. Happy happy days. I said, “Oh fanks, yes it was a hoot, but it was a bit of a young crowd, you know, silly dancing, that sort of thing. So I took a shortcut home and…”
Masimo still hadn’t said anything. But then he said, “Maybe I should walk to your house with you, in case…you…lose another thing…maybe your, how do you say in English”—he said something to Dom in Italian and Dom laughed and said, “Compass.”
Oh God, they were laughing at me.
I felt an enormous uncontrollable strop coming on, I was deffo heading for nervy b. central, so the best thing I could do was to leave quickly.
I said, “I’ll be fine, thank you. I’ll just say good night to you both.”
Oh brilliant, I was sounding like some twit from Dickens. I was amazed I hadn’t said, “And Devil take the hindmost.”
Masimo touched me softly on the arm. “Come Georgia, let us walk for a while. Ciao, Dom.”
Dom said, “Ciao,” and went off back inside his house.
two minutes later
We walked along the street in silence. I couldn’t remember if I had checked my lippy before I had left Katie’s. I had left in such a tizz, I hadn’t thought to check. Maybe I could just take a little peek now? I could sneak my hand into my bag, feel around for the lippy, unscrew it single-handedly in the bag and sneak it up to my mouth whilst I was looking down. Or pretend to look behind me and apply it then underneath a pretend cough. No, I daren’t risk any more bag movement. Maybe there would be a car mirror, no, no, too low. What about a passing bus or lorry mirror? Shutup shutup.
Masimo said, “Did you have a good party?”
I said, “Oh yeah, it was fab and also possibly verging on marv.”
Startled by His Furry Shorts Page 10
