by A. F. Dery
He must think I’m truly pathetic and desperate. He sees himself as nothing but a murderer, and if he had any doubts before how I feel about him, there’s no way he wouldn’t know now that I’ve kissed him and then stormed off like this. Grace sat down on the step, unable to go any farther. Her legs felt like they were made of lead and her stomach was trying to heave.
She buried her face in her hands and wept.
After some time, she felt a hand hesitantly graze her shoulder. Inwardly she was shocked he had come after her after all, but with her disgrace in the forefront of her mind, it gave her no pleasure. Thinking again of what he must think of her now, she felt sicker still. “Just leave me alone!” she cried bitterly, swallowing hard.
“I heard you…crying. Did he hurt you?” a familiar voice rasped.
Grace went rigid. It was the wolf-man.
“You’re awake,” was all she could think to say. Her voice came out sounding very high.
“Don’t be afraid,” he said quietly. She heard movement from behind her, and thought he must have sat down too. I’ll never be able to get around him to go back up, even if I wanted to, she thought glumly.
“I can’t help but be afraid. You could have killed me before,” Grace told him.
“I know. I can’t tell you how sorry I am. I won’t let it…happen again.”
“If you could stop it, you wouldn’t have had to hide as a wolf for so long.” Her weariness and inner turmoil were making her too blunt, too forward; she recognized it as soon as the words left her lips, and she wanted to bang her head against a wall.
But the wolf-man said, in the same quiet tone, “You’re right about that. But I’ll try. I’m older now. Maybe that will help.” He paused, then asked again, “Why were you crying, Grace?”
“It doesn’t matter.” She shrugged, though she didn’t think he could see it in the dark.
“It does to me. I don’t like it when you cry. Neither does the wolf.”
“Well, you can tell the wolf that Hadrian didn’t do anything to me, so there’s no need to rip his throat out over it,” Grace said firmly, remembering her dream. “I had a nightmare.”
“And I wasn’t there. I should have been there.” The wolf-man’s voice sounded so sad, she almost turned to look at him before she realized, again, that it was pointless to do so in the dark.
“Do you think I’m pathetic?” she asked suddenly. “I mean, you heard, when you were still a wolf, about what I did. And you know…I know you know, by what you said before, that I was getting…attached…to Hadrian. Just because he was nice to me. I mean, that’s pretty pathetic, right? The wolf thinks so, I’m sure.”
“It’s…understandable, Grace. That you’d feel…something…for that…man.” The words were coming slowly and with obvious difficulty now. “You almost died, and he was here for you. And yes, you ran…but how can I judge you for that? You had better reason to run…than most do. I don’t think you’re pathetic. And the wolf, the wolf would do anything for you.”
The earnestness in his tone took her aback. “Why? I didn’t really do anything for him. If you really had been some intruder who had destroyed him with dark magic, I pretty much just deserted him, the way I see it.”
“Neither he…nor I…see it that way. We…I…would not have wanted you…to stay in danger,” he told her emphatically. “And you did…try to avenge him…with a chair.
Was that a glimmer of humor she heard in the hoarse voice?
“Besides that,” he went on, “you were kind to him…even when you were afraid of him.”
Grace felt a twinge of guilt. “I haven’t really been kind to you, though, even though I’m afraid of you too.”
“I’m sure the fur helped his cause,” the wolf-man said dryly. Grace smiled in spite of herself.
“You’re pretty hairy still, though,” she pointed out, then blushed furiously when she realized what she’d said, suddenly thankful for the dark. “Um, speaking of which…I would really, really appreciate it if you’d wear clothes. I’m sure I can find you something.”
“If I do…will you stop…pouring potions down my throat?”
“We were only doing that because we didn’t know what else to do. You’re dangerous, and you were holding me prisoner up there,” Grace said tiredly.
“I understand that. But clothes are uncomfortable…so I want something in exchange. And you can’t….keep me drugged forever.”
“That was never the plan. We just needed time to think.”
“And what…did you come up with?”
Grace sighed. “Nothing. We hadn’t come up with anything yet. We hoped to have more time, but I guess your body got used to the potion too quickly.” She took a deep breath. “Listen…you know, you’ve never told me your name?”
“You’ve never asked. And I don’t really think of myself…by a human name…anymore. But if it makes you…more comfortable…it was…it is…Rupert.”
“Well, Rupert, we have to live with each other until it thaws in the spring. I don’t want to be anyone’s prisoner, and I’m sure you don’t want to constantly be hit over the head with chairs or magic or whatever and drugged. And I don’t want to see anything happen to Hadrian, either. I don’t blame you for being upset with him, after what happened to your brother. But he told me it was an accident, that the plague he made was meant to aid in a siege by affecting only livestock.”
Rupert snorted. “That’s a lie,” he said stonily. “I don’t believe it. Of course he’d want you to think he hadn’t done it on purpose.”
“Well, I do believe it. You’ve spent almost as much time around him as I have since I got here, Rupert. Does he really seem like a killer, like someone who doesn’t value life? Do you think he would have helped me if that were true, or gone back in the workroom to try to help the wolf when we didn’t know you were the wolf? He’s admitted to everything he’s done, when he easily could have just denied it. You don’t have any proof to back up your claims about him, after all. And he is so, so sorry for it. I know that can’t give you back your brother, but he truly regrets it. His regret has become his entire life. He came here and stayed here alone all this time trying to make a cure and stop any more lives from being lost. He’s so hopeless about it now that he’s gone blind that he means to kill himself in the spring. I’ve been trying to help him, to be his eyes, to keep him from doing it…” Her voice broke on the words, and she couldn’t make herself go on.
“He’s managed to…fool you,” Rupert said gently. “He’s not…who you think he is. You give him too much credit. But…you are right that we all need…to learn to live together. Until you realize the truth about him, anyway.” He sighed. “I know I can’t…keep you from him…all winter. Maybe I was wrong to even try. But please keep…an open mind…about what I’ve said. Give me the chance…to prove to you…what he is.”
“And how do you mean to do that? I don’t want you to hurt him,” Grace insisted.
“I won’t,” Rupert said firmly. “I won’t do anything…until you agree. I think you will, once you believe me about him. I think…his true colors will show…given enough time. You said he is working…on a cure. Well, I do not believe it. Naturally he would say…whatever it took…to earn your sympathy. I think he is trying…to recapture his former glory. Whatever he has told you, you can’t trust him. I will keep an eye…on what he does. You do not know what he is doing, because you do not know magic. But I do. You are helping him now, and I will watch. I can try to keep you safe…and keep him from fooling you about…what he is doing.”
“But what about your magic? Rupert, you could kill us all, you realize that, don’t you?”
“I told you I will be more careful. What else can I do? I need to keep calm, that’s all. I can go back…to being the wolf. At least when I don’t need to speak to you.”
Grace hesitated. “Isn’t it…painful…to change back and forth though? I saw you before, and heard you. It was horrible. I don’t want you to suffer.”
>
“It’s not fun,” Rupert agreed. “But to keep you safe? It’s a small price. It hurts, and it tires me, but it won’t kill me. And it uses up enough of my magic…to make me a little safer while I am human…if it is not for too long.”
Grace considered this. It seemed like a reasonable plan. There was no way of completely eliminating all the potential risks, but what else could they do?
“I should talk to Hadrian about it,” she said at last. “I’m sure he’ll agree.”
“I’m not. It is not to his advantage to have…another set of eyes on him.”
“I’m not sure why you think he’s so determined to make a good impression on me. It’s not like I can do anything to him if I don’t like him. He may be blind, but he’s still a mage,” Grace pointed out.
“You may not be able to, but your good graces keep him safe from me. He bested me before, it doesn’t mean he could again. I am vulnerable…as a man, in a way I am not, as the wolf.”
“Don’t you see, though? He wants to die for what he did. He means to kill himself!”
“That is what he told you, Grace. But how long had it been since he could last work on this supposed ‘cure?’ I saw the work room before you cleaned it…it was covered in dust. Yet…he was still very much alive…when I brought you here.”
“He has a bottle of poison, he’d been handling it, I saw it in the bedroom!” Grace shook her head vehemently.
“Are you sure it was poison in the bottle? Are you sure he meant it for himself…and not for you…if you did not turn out to be useful to him? Or even for me…when I was the wolf…if I threatened one of you?”
Grace bit her lip. She couldn’t say for certain, of course, but still, she was reasonably sure…
“Grace, I understand…the way you must feel. And I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’ve been wrong about him. And I’ll find a way to prove it, if I must.” Rupert’s voice was so gentle, it made her eyes sting with a fresh wave of tears.
“I’m sorry I bashed you on the head before,” she said with a watery little smile. “I still don’t think you’re right about Hadrian, though.”
She hoped with all her heart that she hadn’t been that wrong. He can’t be like that, really, he can’t…he would have had to be lying to me this entire time…surely I would have seen it? And he could have just left me to die, that would have solved any difficulties my presence could have caused without the need for any deception.
But a traitorous little voice in the back of her head murmured, only…the wolf was here. Maybe he was afraid of what the wolf could do to him, magic or no magic, if he didn’t at least try to help you.
The sick feeling returned to the pit of Grace’s stomach. She felt confused and overwhelmed.
“Let us go see…what he has to say, then,” Rupert suggested.
“Yes, let’s,” she echoed faintly. She felt a hand touch her arm. Timidly, she took it, and let him guide her back up the stairs.
Hadrian was in agony. Hearing Grace leave, he felt like all the air and warmth in the air had gone with her. It was hard to breathe, and he felt cold down to his aching bones. He longed to go after her and deny the things she had said, but what right did he have? Better that she misunderstand and leave with a clear conscience in the spring than to realize he cared too much to bind her to him in any way.
She deserved happiness, and peace, and someone who was whole to love her, he thought with a pang. Not a ruined husk of a man who caused nothing but pain. He was even causing her pain, the last person he wanted to hurt, and he’d probably hurt her still more without even meaning to before all was said and done.
No, better she keep her distance from him from now on. His hand touched his mouth absently. Holding her, kissing her, had been…no, he must not think of that now.
He went to the chair and sat down, telling himself that he didn’t have anywhere else to go. Deep down, he knew he was lying to himself: he was waiting for her to come back, even though he had no idea what he would say. What could he say, that wouldn’t make things worse in the long run? He both yearned for her return, and dreaded it.
So when the door finally creaked open again, he stood at once, torn between blurting out his true feelings and remaining silent as a stone in hopes that she would stay distant from him, then suddenly he realized there was far too much noise for it to be just Grace entering the room.
“Hadrian, Rupert…the other mage…he’s here with me,” Grace said before he could react any further. “He woke up and found me. We’ve talked, and I think we’ve worked out a plan for us all to get through the winter.” Her voice sounded both tense and remote. There was no trace at all of her earlier emotions. His heart sank, against his will.
“And…umm…what have you agreed on?” he asked cautiously. Her safety was still his primary concern, whatever she thought.
“Rupert has agreed there’s to be no more prisoner taking. He’s going to do his best to control his magic, and stay as a wolf as much as possible to make this happen, except when he needs to speak to us.”
“But you can still use magic as a wolf,” Hadrian said to the wolf-man, trying to keep his voice level. “If you couldn’t, you wouldn’t be able to change back into a man. That means, under the right circumstances, you could potentially use other magic as well.”
“I’ve never used it accidentally as a wolf,” Rupert said, his voice cool. “Or at all as a wolf, except to change. It doesn’t come easily. I will not use it at all except to change…unless I have to.”
The implied threat in his words was clear.
“You need to stay away from Grace as well,” Hadrian insisted. “That will keep her safest of all. You could still bring down the tower without meaning to, but she has a better chance if she is not in the same room with you, should your magic erupt without your control, as either man or beast.”
“Absolutely not,” Rupert huffed. “How will I…protect her from you?”
Hadrian frowned. “I think it’s been clearly established that I have no intention of harming her. Why would I?”
“Why would I? You’ve said yourself I could as easily harm her by accident…without even being in the same room. Yet I am to spend these next months…in isolation…while she is alone with you.” A hint of growl had entered his voice, and Hadrian tensed.
“You’re getting worked up again already,” he said, “yet you want us to believe you’re no danger to her, or at least only a remote kind of danger. It isn’t acceptable.”
“Is Grace’s safety…really the issue here? After all…you let me loose in the tower…without even knowing what I could or would do to her. A man is a far different danger from…a wolf. The wolf was no danger, but you knew nothing of…the man.”
Hadrian stilled at that. Rupert was right. He had been reckless and foolish to just let him go the way he had. He had taken far too much for granted based on Rupert’s behavior as a wolf.
“I made a mistake,” Hadrian gritted his teeth. “I know that now. If I had realized the true danger-”
“So you say, but you say many things,” Rupert said. The growl had receded, replaced by the sound of certainty.
What does this mean? Surely Grace can’t be buying this…and yet…she’s not exactly saying anything.
“What do you think, Grace?” he asked. He tried to sound indifferent, but his heart was in his throat.
“I think…we can’t keep him drugged all winter, and I don’t blame him for not wanting to be isolated for months,” Grace replied carefully. “There’s no choice that doesn’t have some kind of risk attached.”
“But we can lessen what risk there is by keeping him away from you.” Hadrian was trying to keep his voice calm and persuasive, but against his will, his volume was creeping up. “If he truly cared so much about your safety, why wouldn’t he agree to it?”
“He just wants to make sure I’m safe. He doesn’t believe the things you’ve told me about the plague and about looking for a cure for it. He thinks you’r
e trying to deceive me and that he can prove it if he’s around you long enough. He said that you wouldn’t be happy with this plan because it would be harder to fool me if he were around,” Grace said tightly.
“And do you think I’m fooling you, Grace?” He tried to sound as if he didn’t care what her answer was, but inside, he felt like he was falling apart.
“What does it matter what I think?” her voice trembled now with all the emotion that had been absent before, and he desperately wanted to cross the room and take her in his arms again. But she went on, “All I know for sure is that it seems I’ve been fooling myself. I just don’t know how far I’ve pulled the wool over my own eyes. I don’t know what to believe anymore.”
Hadrian shook his head mutely. What is she saying? I don’t understand. She’s fooled herself? About what? About me? I told her myself that she thought too much of me, does she agree now? Can her feelings have changed that quickly? Isn’t that what I wanted, so she’d be safe, so she could be happy when all of this is over?
He felt ill, and a little dizzy. His aching heart pounded. He heard himself say, as if from far away, “Well, it seems the two of you have already decided on what to do. What more is there to say?”
“But you’re not happy about it,” Grace observed, her voice heavy with uncertainty. She left unsaid, just as Rupert predicted, but Hadrian could almost swear he could still hear it anyway.
“It doesn’t matter how I feel about it,” he said stiffly. “Clearly it’s going to happen anyway. I’ll just have to do whatever I can to keep you safe from him, if worst comes to worst.”
“And I’ll do the same,” Rupert said in a low, rumbling tone.
“The pair of you are far too worried about my safety,” Grace mumbled. “I can look after myself now. If the two of you can stay out of trouble with each other, we should all be fine.”
