Chapter Fourteen
Beth followed Todd into the hall. The good news was she didn’t have to tell herself to keep breathing, she thought, trying to maintain some sense of the ridiculous. After all, she was incredibly close to hyperventilating. Wouldn’t that be attractive…Todd all worried and carrying on while she hunched over, breathing into a paper bag.
Were they really going to do this? Was she going to be able to handle it? Maybe she should tell him that she’d changed her mind. Except she wanted to do it. At least she was pretty sure she did. It was, she realized, worse than her first time. Because now she knew exactly how incredibly awkward it all could be. Not to mention the fact that Darren had been so in love with her, he hadn’t been able to see straight. Not to also mention the fact that at nineteen she’d been pretty pleased with how her body looked. Many things had changed since then.
Todd took her hand and led her into his bedroom. As he entered, he flipped on a light switch by the door. Several floor lamps sprung to life, illuminating the huge room and the even bigger bed sitting in the center of it.
She had a brief impression of an oak dresser and night-stands, but it was the large expanse of mattress that captured her attention. They could sleep a family of six on that thing. She tried to tell herself that the good news was if she wanted to escape him, there was plenty of room in which to maneuver.
‘‘You look like you’re about to sacrifice yourself to the local volcano,’’ Todd said ruefully. ‘‘We don’t have to do this.’’
She looked at him, at his strong face and his expression of tenderness and desire. ‘‘I want to,’’ she said, and realized she did. She wanted her second ‘‘first’’ time to be with him. Even though she was scared and confused and not at all sure what was going to happen between them. She trusted him. She liked him. And…well, because he was Todd.
‘‘I do have a couple of things we need to talk about first,’’ she told him, and glanced around for a sitting area. The large bedroom lacked that particular facility so she motioned to the bed. ‘‘Why don’t you have a seat? I’m going to need to pace while we talk about these things.’’
‘‘Okay.’’ He settled himself on the mattress. He looked so relaxed. She really hated that. Why couldn’t he be as nervous and worried as she was? Although if he was, they would be in trouble. Somebody had to be alert enough to take charge. She sighed. Nothing about this was going to be easy.
She crossed to the window and stared out at the view. It was as spectacular as the one in the living room. Then she realized the drapes were open and people could see in. She quickly pulled the drapes closed. Bad enough to be doing this, but far worse to have it witnessed.
She walked toward Todd, realized she was too nervous to stand still, and kept going until she reached the tall dresser. ‘‘I’m thirty-eight,’’ she said as she stared at the personal belongings sitting on the smooth wooden surface. There was some loose change, a parking stub, tickets to a play he was taking her to the following week, a business card.
‘‘I know how old you are.’’
‘‘Yes, but thinking you know and really knowing are two different things.’’ She turned to face him. ‘‘Have you ever seen a thirty-eight-year-old woman naked? I’m not talking about those perfect goddess types who work out fifteen hours a day. I mean a real woman. Someone kind of normal.’’
Todd smiled. ‘‘I think you’re very beautiful. I like how you look and how you feel in my arms. I want to see you and touch you. I’m excited about seeing your body.’’
She nodded slowly. ‘‘So you haven’t.’’
‘‘Haven’t what?’’
‘‘Seen a thirty-eight-year-old woman naked. While you may be excited about checking me out, I’m not very excited about having that happen, so I’d like to keep the lights off.’’
‘‘For the first time in my life I’m actually going to say this a second time. We don’t have to make love tonight, Beth. We don’t have to ever do that.’’
She shook her head. ‘‘It will be fine. With a little planning and some agreement on procedure I’m sure we’ll both have a good time.’’
She was lying. She didn’t expect to do much more than lay there, wishing herself somewhere else. But she wasn’t going to share that with Todd. She didn’t think he would understand or appreciate her thought process, nor would he get that this was about her, not him.
She walked to the window and pushed aside the drapes so she could stare out at the night. If only there was a way to make him understand how insecure she was about all this. But she was embarrassed enough without spilling her guts even more. But in her heart she wanted to tell him that this would be so much easier if she could keep all her clothes on. Although she really wanted to see him without his.
‘‘We’ve talked about condoms,’’ she said, because that was something she could discuss. ‘‘I’m not on any birth control.’’
‘‘I’m happy to take care of protection.’’
She thought she might have heard a hint of humor in his voice, but she couldn’t tell. To be honest, she couldn’t blame the man. The situation was insane.
She drew in a deep breath. ‘‘I think that’s everything, except maybe the fact that I haven’t been with anyone since Darren died. Of course you probably knew that, but in case you didn’t, I want you to know. And Darren was my only lover, so there’s every chance I’ve been doing it all wrong. I would appreciate it if you would be gentle when you tell me that. I think a burst of uncontrolled laughter at the wrong moment would scar me for life.’’
‘‘You worry too much,’’ he said, but his voice was way too close.
As Beth turned, she realized Todd was standing right behind her. Before she could say anything else, he took her in his arms and kissed her. Really kissed her. His tongue stroked her lower lip before plunging inside her mouth. He teased and taunted her there while his hands moved up and down her back.
Her reaction to his touch was as instantaneous as ever, with need heating her blood and making her feel weak. Her breasts flattened against his chest. Their bodies pressed so close, she could feel his arousal jutting toward her. He wanted her. Despite her nerves, her stupid speeches and her awkwardness, he still wanted her. The knowledge filled her with relief.
‘‘I want you,’’ he said, trailing kisses down her neck to the V of her dress. ‘‘I’ve wanted you from the start. Even when you sprayed me with the hose. Even when Matt was sick and you were in tears. No matter what, I’ve always wanted you.’’
His words were a sweet, seductive drug that made her lethargic. She melted against him, knowing that whatever this man planned to do was fine with her.
He reached for the first button on her dress, then pulled back and sighed. ‘‘As much as I want to see you, I’m willing to abide by your rules.’’
It took her a moment to figure out he meant that the lights were still on. ‘‘I’ll get them,’’ she said and crossed to the still-open door.
She shut it, then hit the light switch. Instantly the room plunged into blackness. She waited a couple of seconds and realized her eyes weren’t going to adjust. Not enough anyway. She had a vague idea of the direction of the bed but this was a strange room and she didn’t want to break the mood by bumping into furniture.
‘‘Could you say something so I can find you?’’ she asked.
‘‘I’m over here,’’ he said.
She followed the sound of his voice and slammed her shin into the footboard. Pain radiated out from the point of impact.
‘‘Are you all right?’’ Todd asked.
‘‘Fine,’’ she said, trying to unclench her teeth. She felt her way around the bed and settled on the mattress, then reached out to touch him. Her fingers stretched along the smooth bedspread. ‘‘Where are you?’’
‘‘Here.’’
His voice came from the other side of the bed.
‘‘Oh. I’ll move,’’ she said quickly and scooted toward him.
She
kept one hand in front of her and encountered something warm and smooth and very naked. Without meaning to, she shrieked. ‘‘You took your clothes off?’’
‘‘Just my shirt. Do you want me to put it back on?’’
She could feel heat on her cheeks. ‘‘No, of course not.’’
This was going to be worse than she’d imagined, Beth realized. And she’d thought it was going to be pretty awful. ‘‘I was startled, that’s all,’’ she told him. ‘‘I’m glad you took your shirt off.’’ Did that sound as stupid as she thought it did?
He touched her hand, then followed that up to her arm. ‘‘Stretch out here,’’ he said, guiding her until she lay on the mattress, her head on a pillow. ‘‘Just relax.’’
Relax? Was he kidding? That wasn’t going to happen, at least not in this lifetime. Relax? When all she wanted to do was run screaming from the room?
He shifted. She tried to figure out what he was doing, but the darkness was absolute. She raised her head, hoping that would help her see better, then clanked her forehead against the side of his face.
‘‘Ouch,’’ she yelped, and rubbed the injured spot.
Todd didn’t say anything, but he had to be hurting— she’d whacked him really hard.
‘‘Sorry,’’ she murmured.
‘‘No problem.’’
Beth’s eyes began to burn, but not from her various bumps and bruises. This wasn’t going to work.
‘‘Stay still,’’ he told her. ‘‘I’ll come to you.’’
‘‘Okay.’’ Her voice was small.
His hand found her shoulder and followed it up to her face. Seconds later his mouth touched hers in a warm, arousing kiss. He moved slowly, sensuously, kissing her deeply. When he shifted, to half lie against her, she wrapped her arms around him. She liked the feel of him against her, the weight of him, the smoothness of his skin. When she stroked his bare back, his muscles rippled in response. He was still aroused; his hardness bumped against her hip.
She took a deep breath and willed herself to ignore all the screaming questions and worries in her mind and just concentrate on what he was doing. She liked how he traced her face, his fingertips lightly touching her skin. His kiss was as perfect as always. When his hand moved down her throat, toward the buttons of her dress, she told herself this was what she wanted. It was lovely. Exactly right. And she couldn’t feel a thing.
A single tear trickled down her temple and got lost in her hair. Beth swallowed the rising tide of disappointment. It wasn’t going to work—not her, not their making love, nothing. While she could sense his hand on her body, the heat and weight of his touch, she couldn’t feel it inside. There was no connection between what he was doing and whether or not she was aroused. It was as if there was a barrier between the thin layer of her skin and the rest of her being. Whatever passion he’d aroused before had faded until she was left empty and cold.
He finished with the buttons at the front of her dress. His hand slipped inside and closed over her breast. Nothing. She felt nothing. Not even when his fingertip swept over her nipple.
‘‘Beth,’’ he breathed against her ear. He kissed her temple.
She squeezed her eyes tightly closed, but that didn’t stop the fresh flood of tears. She knew the exact moment he figured out she was crying.
He shifted, then a light clicked on by the bed. Beth blinked against the brightness, but didn’t bother turning away. Where exactly could she hide?
He stared at her for a long time, then nodded.
‘‘What are you thinking?’’ she asked.
‘‘That you need more time.’’
‘‘No, I don’t want to wait. Couldn’t you just, you know, do it and get it over with?’’
‘‘That’s not how I want our first time to be. I want you to enjoy it, too. This isn’t some duty to be ended as quickly as possible. Making love is a sensual and emotional experience. We both have to participate to make it work.’’ Beth nodded. She’d blown it. ‘‘I’m sorry,’’ she said. ‘‘You have nothing to apologize for.’’
He was being kind, she thought as she sniffed. ‘‘I guess we can call a cab to take me home.’’
He glared at her. ‘‘Don’t even think about it.’’ He stood up and pulled on his shirt. ‘‘Take off your dress,’’ he said as he crossed the room and headed for a closed door on the far wall.
Beth stood up slowly and clutched the open front of her dress together. He wanted her to get undressed?
Todd returned with an oversize navy terry-cloth bathrobe. ‘‘Put this on,’’ he said. ‘‘You’ll be more covered and more comfortable.’’
‘‘What are we going to do?’’ she asked as she slipped out of her dress and quickly pulled on the robe. She was nervous about being momentarily clad in her underwear, but he didn’t embarrass her by looking.
‘‘We’re going to forget this whole thing,’’ he said, turning to her once more and shaking his head. ‘‘Don’t look at me like that. I mean sex, not the relationship. We’re going to go out to the living room and watch old movies together. I have a great collection. Then despite what I said earlier, when we’re tired we’re going to come back here, crawl into bed, snuggle together and fall asleep. I don’t mind that we’re not going to make love, but I do want to feel you next to me in bed. I want to hold you close and I want to wake up with you in my bed. Agreed?’’
Tears threatened again, but these were good tears. A sign of relief and gratitude. She suspected he didn’t understand why this was so difficult for her, and he could have gotten angry or frustrated with her lack of response. Instead he was patient and understanding. How was she supposed to resist that and why did she want to try?
She raised herself on tiptoe and kissed him. ‘‘Thank you,’’ she said.
He grinned and patted her rear. ‘‘Yeah, yeah, enough of that mushy stuff. Let’s go pick a movie.’’
Fifteen minutes later they were curled up next to each other on the sofa. Beth had confessed that she wasn’t a brandy person and accepted a glass of white wine instead. The original version of Sabrina started. She sipped her wine and savored the feel of Todd’s strong arms around her. She wasn’t sure why or how she’d gotten lucky enough to meet him, but she was grateful. He was a wonderful man.
She finished her wine and set the empty glass on the coffee table in front of them. Heat filled her belly, which wasn’t surprising. She hadn’t had more than a mouthful of dinner. The wine would go right to her head. Already the room looked a little fuzzy. She wasn’t drunk, exactly, just very relaxed.
As was Todd. She glanced at him. He seemed focused on the movie. She studied his profile, the straight line of his jaw and the way it curved up slightly by his ear. She could see the exact spot where stubble gave way to smooth skin. Without meaning to, she pressed her mouth there and kissed him.
He gave her a brief smile, then returned his attention to the action on the television. Beth decided to taste his ear, then nibbled on his earlobe. She was hungrier than she’d realized. She tasted his neck, nibbling and licking.
‘‘What are you doing?’’ he asked.
‘‘Nothing. Go watch your movie.’’
‘‘You’re making it difficult to concentrate.’’
Maybe it was the wine giving her courage. Or maybe it was the affection she saw in Todd’s eyes. ‘‘Difficult, not hard?’’
‘‘Oh, it’s plenty hard.’’
‘‘Really?’’
Not quite able to believe what she was doing, she shifted until she straddled his lap. Her center met the fly of his slacks. Sure enough there was an impressive ridge pressing there.
She kissed him. ‘‘Watch the movie,’’ she instructed between licks and nips on his lower lip.
‘‘I can’t. You’re blocking the screen.’’
‘‘I can move.’’
‘‘That’s okay. I like this better.’’
His hands settled on her bare waist. It was only then she realized that the robe had fa
llen open. They were in the middle of his living room with the television playing and several lamps lighting the room. But for some reason she didn’t care.
She kissed his cheeks, his nose, his forehead, then returned her attention to his mouth. He parted for her instantly, and when she swept inside, he met her and they danced. Their kisses mimicked the act of love that was to follow and Beth found herself trembling in anticipation. Whatever barrier had existed before disappeared. This time she felt everything. The heat of him so close to her, his hardness pressing against her feminine place, the way he reached behind her and quickly, easily unfastened her bra.
Then his hands were on her breasts, cupping her, teasing her nipples. She arched into his feathery strokes and groaned his name into his mouth.
‘‘I want you,’’ he ground out between kisses.
‘‘I want you, too.’’ She bit his lower lip and reveled in her body’s awareness. She did want him. Already she was wet and swollen. She ached for him everywhere.
He tugged at the bra. ‘‘Take this off, please.’’
She hesitated for a second. The robe gave her a feeling of protection, as if she wasn’t really all that undressed. So rather than resisting his request, she compromised by sticking her hands up the voluminous sleeves and pulling down the bra straps. Once she was free of them, the undergarment fell away.
He stared at her breasts. ‘‘I knew you’d be perfect,’’ he breathed, and drew her close to him.
She knew what her chest looked like. She’d had two kids and breast-fed them both. While she wasn’t completely saggy, she was far from perky. Still, as his mouth closed over her left nipple and sucked deeply, she found she didn’t care anymore. He wanted her and she wanted him. Her body functioned; it was strong, and right now it gave her incredible pleasure. What else mattered?
She wrapped her arms around his head as he drew the tight peak inside his mouth. Her breathing increased. Each tug raced through her, making her insides quiver and her skin catch fire. He grabbed her rear and squeezed, bringing her closer and making her rub against him. Back and forth, back and forth. Her dampness heated against him, her breasts swelled. She called out his name.
Beth and the Bachelor Page 19
