by Orton, D. L.
“Isabel—” I stop, unsure how to continue. Never in my life have I been awash in such a turbid sea of emotions: consumed with desire and battered by insecurities, entranced by her clever words and torn by her cutting jibes, challenged by her intellect and crushed by her indifference, enthralled by her erotic touch and threatened by her casual intimacy.
Either this is an evil plot to destroy me, or I’m in love.
Probably both.
She shuts her eyes. “I want you to touch me, Tego.”
I stare at her lips.
“I want you to take me in your arms and hold me.”
Her words catch me by surprise, and something inside me is undone by the distress in her voice, by the unguarded vulnerability of her need, and I find myself teetering precipitously on a cliff.
Ay, if she’s going to kill me, I might as well enjoy it.
I reach out and turn her chin, waiting for her to look at me, and I understand the significance of that gesture, why she used it on me earlier. “I’m dying to touch you, Iz.”
The next part is easy.
“I’ve thought about it almost constantly since you took my arm yesterday when we were chasing the crab.”
I stroke her cheek and then twist a lock of her hair around my finger. “Most of the time I like taking risks, but around you—especially around you—alarms keep going off in my head: Don’t push too much. Don’t make a nuisance of myself. Be patient. Give it time.”
She closes her eyes.
I take her hand and stroke the soft skin on the inside of her wrist. “Last night, at the end of the evening, I didn’t want to let you go. Things were working for me—for both of us, I thought. You were encouraging me, making me want more. The intimacy and trust were there for me. And something I’ve never felt before, something very… powerful.”
Don’t go there, mae.
She doesn’t move.
I stroke the back of her hand. “I put my arms around you, and the alarms were silenced. It was safe to fall in love with you.”
She opens her eyes.
“And then you got mad and sent me home.”
I’m trying hard not to let the frustration leak into my voice, but know I’m failing, so I quit trying and just call it like I saw it, spilling my guts on the sand. “Obviously, I wanted too much and you set me straight. I got the message, and I’m fine with taking it slower. I want the physical part, but honestly, if that was all I wanted, I’d be gone by now.”
She studies my face, her lips tight.
I release her hand and look away. “And now you’re telling me to jump right back into the fire, and when I show a little discretion, you chastise me for not being more resilient. I feel manipulated, and at a loss for what you want.” I brush sand off my thighs. “But, hey, I’m still here.”
“Oh, Tego.” A tear falls down her cheek. “I’m sorry. God, what a mess I’ve made.” She says it again, enunciating each syllable. “I. Am. So. Sorry.”
I’m caught off guard by her untempered apology.
“I know you’ll find this difficult to believe, but last night was worse for me. I knew what I was missing. Truly, I had no choice.” She picks up a piece of driftwood and jams it into the sand. “I wanted you to stay, but it just wasn’t physically possible. Please don’t read any more into it than that.”
I try to figure out what she’s talking about, what she means by a physical impossibility, and it all comes back to her being sick or something equally menacing.
She gazes out at the horizon. “I’ve never met anyone else like you. You are unique in a way that fits perfectly with me.” She shakes her head. “Why couldn’t I see it back then? How the hell did I end up married to Dave?” She covers her face with her hands. “He failed every item on my list—even his car embarrassed me.”
“Was it a motor-mouth or just horny all the time?”
She makes an annoyed huff, but the corners of her mouth rise.
“And who’s Dave? Give me his last name, and I’ll have one of my brothers take care of him—tie his shoelaces together and push him into a volcano.”
She stares at me, and then looks down and draws squiggles in the sand. “I know you don’t believe me, but I came here to change you, Tego, show you how to make things work between us.” She peers out at the waves, and I follow her gaze.
The lone surfer is gone.
She tosses a shell out into the surf and then wraps her arms around her legs and lets her forehead fall against her knees. “I am such an idiot.”
I place my hand on her shoulder blade and stroke the long curve of her back. “Did you hear about the Zen master who bought a hot dog from a street vendor in New York City?”
She looks at me.
“He gave the guy a twenty dollar bill and said, ‘Make me one with everything.’”
She rolls her eyes.
I brush the hair away from her face. “The man pocketed the money and handed the guru his order, and when the master inquired about his change, the vendor replied, ‘Change comes from within.’”
She suppresses a smile, rubs the sand off a shell fragment, and tosses it into the water, following the movement with her eyes.
We sit there in silence for a couple of minutes, my hands twitching in my lap.
Suck it up, mae, and just put your arms around her.
But I can’t bring myself to jump across the abyss she’s created between us.
She glances over at me and waits until I meet her eyes. “There’s no doubt in my mind that this relationship can work, Tego—that we have the potential to build something most people only dream about.” She stops talking and spends a few moments studying me, thoughts racing across her face.
She’s going to hurt you, Tego. She’s going to rip your goddamn heart out and chop it into little pieces. And you are going to happily let her do it. So you better start figuring out how to survive it.
I reach up and stroke her cheek with the back of my fingers.
She closes her eyes and leans into my touch. “Your part is easy. Just trust your instincts when it comes to dealing with… her.”
“Whoa, whoa. Wait a sec.” I pull her chin back around. “You said her? Who are we talking about here, the Queen of Sheba?”
She scrunches up her face. “My stunt double in this world.” Her eyes pop open. “You haven’t met her yet.”
I let out a groan. “As if one of you isn’t enough.”
Chapter 43
Tego: In My Wildest Dreams
She goes on as if her revelation makes perfect sense. “As I said, she’ll like what she sees. All you have to do is demonstrate that you’re interested—and committed.”
“What if I’m not committed?”
She gives me an annoyed look. “Is that a serious question, Tego? Because if it is, I’m going to kill you right now and save her the trouble.”
“Never mind. If what you’re saying is true, I’ll need to be committed—or, at least, heavily sedated.”
She smacks me on the thigh. “Don’t act aloof, but don’t smother her either. Just be yourself.”
“Maybe you should just shoot me.”
“I would except you wouldn’t be as much fun dead.”
I laugh.
“Still, it’s going to take some time to get close to her. She has to learn to trust you, and given her past, that won’t be easy, so don’t step back.”
“What past?”
“I’m afraid you’ll have to ask her that yourself.”
“Righty-oh.”
She glares at me. “This is important, Tego!”
“Ay! I’m listening.”
She pokes me in the chest. “Don’t...” she pokes again, “step...” she tries to poke me a third time, but I grab her finger and kiss it.
“Back,” I add. “I got it. Mier
da, I need more dance lessons.” I toss sand on her feet and then stroke the inside of her leg, electricity flowing from her thigh into my fingertips. “By the way, what exactly do you mean by ‘don’t step back’?”
She lets out an exasperated sigh. “The next time you do it, I’ll let you know.”
“That’s helpful. What about ‘don’t smother her’?”
“Actually, I don’t think you need to worry about that one. You’re not really the smothering type.” She falls back onto her elbows in the sand. “But no matter how angry she makes you, don’t withdraw your affection to punish her.”
“No smothering, no retreating, and no punishing. That doesn’t leave me a lot of underhanded tactics.”
She rolls her eyes. “She’s going to be a royal pain in the ass, Tego. But it’s you she wants. Only you. The rest is just a test to see if you’re going to hang around when the going gets tough.”
“Hang around or hang myself?”
“A ship in the harbor is safe, but that is not what ships are built for.”
“Whoever said that never stood on the deck of a sinking ship, Iz.”
“Suck it up, Tego, because you’ll have to get wet if you want to land this one.”
“As long as she gets wet too”
She stops playing in the sand and stares at me, her eyes glistening.
I reach over and stroke her cheek. “I’m looking forward to it.”
She glances down, and I pull my hand away, feeling off-balance. “So,” I say, “what else do I need to worry about?”
“Contraception. You absolutely, positively cannot get her pregnant.”
I let out an appalled gasp. “What if we get married and want to have kids?”
She shuts her eyes, and I wonder if I’ve pushed her too far. “Hey,” I say. “I was kidding.” I watch a tear run down her cheek, frustrated that she’s so volatile. “Iz?”
She wipes her face on the back of her hand and then looks at me. “Don’t get her pregnant by accident, okay? And believe me, it’s not rocket science—”
“Are you disparaging my rocket?”
She laughs. “And don’t rush into having sex. Wait for the right opportunity. You may only get one chance, so take your time and make it count.” She scoops up a handful of dry sand and lets it slip through her fingers. “And that’s definitely going to be a test, so you’ll need to stay in control of your own needs—”
“Whoa.” I form my hands into a T. “Good grief, Iz, what does that mean?”
“It means, if you come before she does and then fall asleep on her, you will be history, sayonara, so long and thanks for—”
“All the fish.” I hold up my hands. “Okay, I got it.”
“I’m not saying she needs to orgasm every time, but she’s going to be paying attention to any growing discrepancies, so I suggest you do the same.”
“Shit. Does that mean I shouldn’t come, or that I shouldn’t sleep?”
She brushes the sand off her thighs and then looks up at me. “I guess you’ll just have to figure that one out for yourself.” She softens her expression. “At least at first, try to make it be about her. I know it’s not something guys your age typically pay attention to, but you might find you actually enjoy it.”
“I think I would.” I let my gaze fall to her mouth and linger there. “What do you say we give it a try later?”
She blushes, and I can feel my body respond.
Mierda, what I wouldn’t give for one straight answer.
I smooth out the sand between us and then draw a question mark in it. “So how am I supposed to decide between the two of you?” I mean it as a joke, but she doesn’t take it that way.
She’s traces my mark in the sand, thinking, and then rubs it out. “There will be no need.”
“What about the other way around? Given everything you’ve told me, it sounds like I’m the wrong guy for her. And jumping through all those hoops is going to drive me crazy. How sure are you about this?”
She draws a heart in the sand. “Positive.”
“Really. I’m sheriff of the Step Back Posse, remember?” I write an “I + T” in her heart. “How did I win the cosmic lottery? Why me?”
“Good question. Maybe it’s the way you stare at me when I’m dancing with someone else, or perhaps it’s your athletic prowess: flying bananas are pretty hard to catch, although I did have a hand in, um, getting it up.” She runs her eyes over my shorts.
“That was terrible. Totally lacking in appeal.”
She glances back and forth between my eyes. “The truth is, it’s your chocolate cake.” She turns away, flicking sand with her fingertips. “But you haven’t made one for me yet, so I suppose that doesn’t count.”
“Right. So, you won’t tell me how I fit into the puzzle. Can you tell me how long I have the pleasure of your company this evening? You know, set my expectations, help me find a balance.” I lie back in the sand and place my hands behind my head. “Are you going to let me stay the night?”
She laughs, not taking any offense, and that gives me courage.
“Just FYI,” she says. “Your Isabel isn’t going to let you stay. At least not at first.” She scans my face. “But don’t take it personally. She’s a light sleeper and she has to learn to trust you—and that’s going to take some time.”
I nod and pull her over in the sand next to me. “Okay, but what about you? What about tonight? You can have your way with me, or let me have my way with you—whichever you prefer.”
She aims her fingers at me like a pistol. “That was very brave of you, sheriff. Aren’t you worried you’ll get shot down?”
“Well, that’s a Smith & Wesson, lady, and you’ve had your six.”
She straddles my hips, her toes digging into the sand, and leans over me, holding my wrists down. “Tego, my love, you are a terrible tease.” She begins tickling the inside of my arm with her nose, her breasts brushing against my face. “And I don’t know how much longer I can resist you.” She looks gorgeous hanging there above me, her hair dancing in the golden rays of the sunset, her nipples hard inside her thin T-shirt.
I inhale the intoxicating scent of her—and then I remember what happened last night. “You didn’t answer my question.”
She bites me on the shoulder and then starts tickling me with her fingers. “You’re wrong.”
I try to stop her, but she has my wrists pinned, and it takes me a minute to free them. Once I do, I pull her down against my chest, but she refuses to be held, and we roll back and forth in the sand, struggling for control and laughing. When I finally manage to get on top, I lift her hands above her head and hold them down, my elbows resting in the sand beside her head. She continues to fight, but gravity’s on my side, and she eventually gives up.
I gaze down at her mouth, wanting more than anything to kiss her, but she turns her head away and sighs melodramatically. “I guess this means you get to have your way with me.”
I chuckle, still breathing hard. “I don’t think anyone gets to have their way with you, Iz.” I flop over on the sand next to her.
She lets out a frustrated yelp. “There. You just did it again. You stepped back. I know it’s because you’re uncomfortable even pretending to hold me against my will, but if you do that to her, she’ll crucify you for withdrawing your affection.”
Mierda, does she just make up the rules as she goes?
She glances away, her eyes damp. “Damn it, Tego. If you don’t want things to get more intimate, now would be a great time to say so.”
I swallow hard and look over at her, trying to figure out what she wants from me, and if there’s any way I could possibly give it to her. “I just asked if I could stay the night, Iz. How can you not know what I want?”
“I just said yes, and then you pushed me away.”
“Goddamn it, Isabel.
Why is it always about me reading between the lines and bending over backwards?” I flop over on my back in the sand and gaze up at a seagull riding the updrafts in the fading light. “You want to change me into somebody I’m not, and it’s not going to work. I’m done trying.”
I hear her sharp intake of breath, but I force down the sea of emotions it stirs up in me.
“You’re right, Tego. I came here to change you, teach you how to please her. But the whole goddamn mission is pointless. Even if I did manage to transform you into Mr. Perfect—whoever the hell that is—it wouldn’t make one bit of difference. She’s going to blame you for everything, no matter what.” She rubs her face with her hands. “I know that because I’ve spent my whole life blaming you for fucking things up, only to realize in the last two days that I’m the one at fault. And believe me, it’s not a very flattering discovery.”
I stare at her, unsure if she’s kidding.
“It’s not you who needs to change, Tego, it’s me—her. But there’s no chance of that. All I can do is try to make you more bulletproof.”
“Great.” I look away, still feeling the slow burn.
“She’s going to hurt you, Tego, and make you really mad, but it’s not your fault, so don’t blame yourself. Forgive her, get over it, and come back.”
The pain in her voice catches me by surprise, but I don’t let it soften my anger. “So what’s new. I’m the whipping boy.”
“Please don’t be like that.”
My temper boils over. “You’ve spent the last two days lecturing me about how everything I do—every instinct I have—is wrong, Isabel, and now you’re telling me it doesn’t matter? Christ, I don’t know what to think. Do we ever actually get it together in any of these millions of universes of yours? Or do I fuck it up every single time?” I let out a frustrated sigh. “I can’t believe I’m talking about this bullshit like it’s even remotely possible.”
