The ladder wiggled and my heart jumped as I watched his foot readjust on a step.
“Did you know the majority of accidents in the home have to do with ladders?” I asked.
“Believe it or not, I did know that, but the good news is that I’m a professional.” He looked down and winked at me. My stomach fluttered with anxiety about how the evening might change once he set his foot on ground again.
“Professionals can have “off” days too,” I replied, folding my arms.
“Only when a beautiful redhead stands at the bottom of the ladder distracting the poor soul trying to do his job.”
“I get the hint.”
His eyes fastened on mine and my heart skipped a beat. There was no doubt I was making one of the most difficult decisions of my life, and the worst part was that it was like one of those slow motion scenes, where you saw the disaster coming, but you kept moving forward unable to stop everything that was already in motion.
Mason climbed down the ladder. “There. You should have light for another six months.”
“It’s the little things in life,” my voice wavered.
“You okay?” Mason asked, touching my cheek.
“Yeah. Totally fine.” I stared into Mason’s kind eyes, and tried to keep my heart from falling apart. “Actually, no. I ran into a friend from school, and she mentioned that the mayor named part of the downtown park after my dad. He never told me.”
Mason ran his hands along my arms, pulling me into him. I rested my head on his chest and realized how much I appreciated having him listen. He wasn’t trying to fix anything. He was just listening and that was how it always had been. He provided a safety net, but I’d managed on my own for so long that the idea of depending on someone frightened me.
“I feel like there was a whole side to my dad I never knew because I left as soon as I could. I keep thinking I let him down and I wasn’t there for him. I can’t believe he didn’t tell me about the park. That was something to be proud of and excited about.”
“If there were areas in his life that he knew weren’t what he wanted, maybe he felt those things overshadowed the good parts.”
“But they didn’t. The drinking wasn’t his fault,” I whispered.
“I know.”
Mason continued to hold me for several minutes until I took a deep breath in and exhaled slowly. I knew the conversation was on the verge of happening and I wanted so badly for it not to come up tonight. But I knew the more I let him into my heart, the harder it was going to be to get him out.
“Should we head in?” he asked.
I nodded even though my stomach clenched. We were one step closer to talking about us, and I knew we weren’t headed in the same direction, no matter how I wished it so.
I went inside, walking by the kitchen, which now housed several sets of new cabinets. There was no doubt the house would sell quickly. I walked into the family room, and my mind was trying to settle on anything but what we were actually about to talk about
“What should we do for dinner?” I asked, hoping to buy a little more time.
“We can figure it out later.” He glanced behind him at the kitchen. “But my hunch is take out.”
I smiled, taking a seat on the couch, and Mason sat next to me.
“I get the feeling today’s encounter with your friend didn’t help my case for you staying in Washington.” His smile tentative.
I let out a sigh and shook my head. “No, it didn’t.”
“So what are you thinking about doing at the end of summer?”
“I’m planning on returning back to my job and life in New York, like I’d originally planned.” I brought my eyes to Mason’s.
“Even though you have feelings for me.” It wasn’t a question. “I’ve always liked New York.”
I wasn’t expecting him to say that, but it only added to my worries. The idea of him moving to New York and leaving everything behind when we’d barely gotten to know one another was more than I wanted to be responsible for.
“Since my dad’s death, it feels like I’m barely holding on in life and it’s not fair to encourage a future I’m not capable of, Mason. Seeing the love your family has for one another made me realize what I was missing, but what I’m not sure I have to give. It’s unfair to expect you to be involved with my hang-ups. I wouldn’t want you to leave your family, your life, for me.”
He sat there stunned as the words surrounded us.
As I looked into his eyes, I realized I wasn’t ready to love Mason Rhodes the way he deserved to be loved, and it wasn’t fair of me to pretend it was a possibility.
“I’m certainly not perfect and I’d like to think that’s part of my appeal.” His smile fell when he saw the look in my eyes.
“It’s not like that.” I shook my head, holding back the tears. I didn’t want to do it. I didn’t want to break things off with him. Not this way. Not now.
But as I looked into Mason’s eyes, I knew what my answer needed to be. It didn’t matter that I was falling in love with Mason Rhodes.
He wasn’t the broken one, I was, and I didn’t want to destroy him. I needed to let him go before we became too involved, before it became impossible. It was the logical choice.
“I feel like I’m barely holding on,” I whispered. “And it’s not like I want to be stuck in the past, but when I’m here I feel like I’m stranded in memories. It’s hard to explain and it’s nothing you need to understand. It’s just me.”
“Why don’t you help me to understand? I want to be there for you. I want to help. It doesn’t matter if you’re here or in New York, let me be part of your life. Let me try to make things better.”
“I’m not ready for that. I might never be ready for that.”
“That doesn’t make any sense,” Mason said, standing up as the realization settled over him.
“To you, it probably sounds crazy, but to me, it’s the only way I know how to move on. I can’t be surrounded with things from my old life.”
“I’m part of your new life, Tori. I don’t understand.”
I nodded. “I know.“
“What changed at the barbeque? I thought we had a great time.”
“I did. We did.” I fell silent.
“Then what happened?”
“I saw how happy your family was and it reminded me of what I used to have.”
Mason bit his lip and narrowed his gaze on me. “So seeing my family happy made you not want to be a part of it?”
I nodded, hearing how asinine it sounded coming from someone else’s lips, but it was the truth.
“Now that my father is gone, I know I have nothing and I don’t want to be reminded of something.”
“So I’m nothing?” he asked.
I shook my head. “That’s not what I mean, but I can’t risk staying when I don’t know what this will be. I’ve been hurt before, Mason. I’ve learned not to trust promises. I can’t stay back and build a life that is built around one person when that person might leave.”
“I wouldn’t leave.”
“I’ve heard that before, and honestly, it didn’t work out that way.”
“What did I do to make you worry?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing. That’s what I’m telling you. It’s me. I’ve got too many hang-ups and it’s not fair to drag you through each one. And the longer I spend time with you, the harder it is to stay away.”
“Then don’t stay away.” Mason took a seat next to me again, his arms open to cradle me in an embrace, but I scooted back quickly and shook my head.
“I have to.”
Mason’s gaze hardened, and I swallowed down my tears. I couldn’t let him see how much this was killing me inside.
“So instead of gaining a family and surrounding yourself with people who love you or who would learn to love you, you’ve decided the best thing for you to do is just run away from everyone and everything? If I remember correctly, that didn’t work the first time you tried it.”
The sting of his words touched my soul. He was right, but humans were equipped with a desire to survive and for me to survive, I needed to run. That was my self-preservation method and so far I was still standing.
“I didn’t think I was this fragile, Mason. I never would’ve done this to you if I thought for a second this is how it would turn out. The longer I stayed on the island, the more I turned into a wreck of emotions.”
“You’re anything but weak and fragile, Tori. I’d say you’re the strongest ice-queen I’ve met,” Mason’s statement stunned me. “I should’ve known. You were pushing me away the moment I tried to get close. I honestly can’t believe I fell for your whole spiel.”
“Why would you say that?” I asked more harshly than I intended. “I’ve never tried to convince you of anything. From the beginning, I told you I wasn’t ready for anything serious.”
“And you also said you weren’t the type who was into a fling.” Mason’s brow arched. “You knew what you were doing, and I was the idiot that fell for it, but seriously, Tori, do yourself and everyone else a favor, if you want to keep it casual, keep it casual. Don’t give false hope that there’s something more possible when you’re clearly inaccessible. You say you don’t want to dwell in the past, but that’s exactly what you’re doing by not letting love in. You’re making sure that you stay right where you want, dwelling on exactly what you want.”
“I’m not dwelling on my past. It wasn’t until I set foot on this island that I gave two thoughts about it. That’s what I’m getting at. That’s the problem.”
“No, Tori. The problem isn’t that you don’t want to think of your past, or that you put it out of your mind…it’s that you refuse to deal with it at all. You refuse to deal with your parents’ deaths and your sister’s death. You’re right. You have no one except an uncle in London and a psycho aunt in the states. So DEAL with it. Yell out your frustration. Cry out your sorrow. It’s okay to be lonely, but it’s not okay to push people away who care.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Sorry?”
I nodded.
“I never would’ve guessed this was how it would end, Tori.” He let out a sigh and shoved his hand through his hair. “I’ll be back tomorrow to start work on the kitchen. It should be done at the end of the week and you can put it on the market.”
I wanted his arms to open up again. I wanted to say sorry and say it all was a mistake, but it wasn’t. I wanted to ask about what I’d heard with Lily and Gabby, but I couldn’t. I didn’t.
He walked outside silently and folded up the ladder. He propped it on his shoulder before he took off for his truck, and a deluge of sorrow filled my world as I watched him secure the ladder and climb in.
He turned on the ignition and blew out of the drive, never looking back. I ran into the house, straight into the bathroom where the first elusive tear finally dropped. I looked in the mirror, my eyes glittering with the tears I’d done so well at holding in and prayed that I’d survive the pain of losing the first man I’d truly allowed myself to love.
I glanced at Mason as he quietly installed the countertops. He said little when he arrived this morning. He brought in his equipment and got immediately to work. I mean what was there to say? After all, I was the one who pretty much shattered our relationship and any prospect at friendship.
I was mad at myself on so many levels. Mostly for letting it get this far. I’d led him on. I’d led myself on. I agreed to go to a family barbeque. I opened up to him in ways I’d never done before. I let myself be “me” around him, and he liked it, which only complicated things. He was kind, loving, sexy, and someone I could picture spending—
No. That was the problem. I was getting ahead of myself. I was imagining outcomes that didn’t make sense. I lived in New York. He lived in Washington. And the truth of the matter was that I was all kinds of screwed up. Hence my decision to break it off before it even started.
I was one big ball of mess and it wasn’t fair to force him along for the ride. He came from stability and didn’t need to go crashing into uncertainty and that was what I offered at the moment.
I didn’t come with baggage, I came with a storage unit and making him unpack it would be the worst punishment of all, even if there was some truth to Lily’s question.
Not to mention, being in the center of the Rhodes family in all their joyous moments and playful bantering created something inside of me that I never for a moment expected, jealousy.
And I was ashamed of it.
Logically, I would have assumed being with a giant, happy family would lift my spirits. I never once guessed it would do the opposite. Maybe, if I’d come from a family who hadn’t experienced that kind of love, it would merely be a fun family to be a part of, but that wasn’t what happened, and now, I’d hurt someone I truly cared about.
And there was nothing I could do about it because what he wanted, I couldn’t give.
If my sister was alive, she’d smack me upside the head and tell me to get over it. I even spent last night telling myself the very same thing. But it was too late. The damage had been done. I was the damage.
But being this sad took work—took real effort—and somehow it seemed my happiness was found in being miserable. I didn’t think I was born that way, and it certainly didn’t feel like that was how it was meant to be when I was with Mason, but it was the only logical explanation for what I did last night.
I heard him unzip his bag and turned around to see him. Watching his calculated movements and his expressionless face made my body ache.
“There’s sliced turkey and bread in the fridge,” I told him as I slid my book bag over my shoulder.
“I’m good. Brought my lunch.”
“Okay. Well, if you need anything, you know where to—”
“I’ll be fine, Victoria.”
A million little stabs entered my heart and I blinked back tears.
“I’ll be out of here before you get home from school,” Mason said. “I didn’t expect you to still be here this morning.”
“It was a grading day,” I said, my voice catching in my throat. “Late start.”
Mason nodded and turned around to continue drawing the template for the counters. I wanted to dump my bag and slide against the wall, crying and telling him what a mistake I’d made, but I knew with him I only had one chance and I used it up. That was how normal people operated. They didn’t stick around for the drama. They figured out the solution and moved on. They didn’t allow themselves to get pulled into a dizzying circus of emotions and what-ifs, and for some reason since I’d returned that was the category I fell into.
Prior to Fireweed, I was sensible and tended to be a problem-solver. If my fiancé cheated, I moved on. If I needed to tend to my father’s estate, I did what needed to be done. Now, however, I was merely a confused individual, and it showed with just about everything and everyone I touched.
I looked at the clock and realized if I didn’t want to be late for the staff meeting I needed to leave this second, but I couldn’t bear to be surrounded by a room full of smiling teachers. I slid my cell out of my bag as I walked out the door and called Rosa. I left a short message explaining to her I wouldn’t be making the meeting.
I dumped my bag at the top of the trail and made my way down to Forgotten Cove. I had no crazy plans. I wasn’t going to go jumping into the water. I wanted some quiet since peace was nowhere to be found.
The trail was dry and easy to navigate since it hadn’t rained for several days. My mind raced with images of Mason and I walking down the trail for the first time and my chest tightened. He was only a few hundred yards away and I missed him, missed him terribly. I no longer felt isolated on this island, I felt desperately alone in the world because of a choice I made.
I found a boulder and leaned against it, feeling the coolness of the stone come through my clothes as I watched the stillness of the trees and water. There was no breeze, dashing my hopes of hearing my mom’s voice again, onl
y this time with advice for how to get out of the mess I’d made.
Instead, only silence greeted me. Every so often, I eyed the trail, hoping Mason would come walking down it, and I’d apologize, and he’d accept, pulling me into his arms, but that wasn’t how real life worked. Not my real life.
I hadn’t told Bethany about Mason. Last she heard I was having a great time Saturday morning, and probably expected me to tell her, “surprise, I’m staying”, but that certainly wasn’t what would be happening. What was happening had me confused.
I was actually happy ninety-eight percent of the time and had managed to carve out a blissful existence in my part of the world back in New York. I’d walk to school some days, I’d visit the farmer’s markets, I’d join in during the Autumn Carnivals. I actually loved living life. It was only when I tried on the relationship thing that problems tended to arise. And now I liked living a life less complicated. It was something I needed.
And truthfully, that might not have anything to do with the loss in my life. It might actually be me. I thought back to fifth grade and how I had a crush on a boy. I had all my friends tell him I liked him whenever they saw him. The poor kid was inundated with notes for weeks, and finally, he asked me out. I was elated. I got my wish and eagerly accepted our status. We were officially going out for two whole days before I dumped him. My reason? He got too handsy on the playground at recess.
But that was the thing, I always had a reason. I stared up at the house and sighed. What was I afraid of with Mason? That he’d cheat on me and I’d leave him? That he’d leave me? I let out a deep breath. It didn’t matter now.
What mattered was focusing on my students and getting to school where I belonged. I walked over to the water and bent down, touching my fingers to the cold liquid. My mind wandered back to the lake and Mason’s family and how much they loved one another, but I knew it was more than that. They were content where they were in life.
I walked up the trail and picked up my bag. I looked toward the house, wondering, hoping that Mason might be looking out one of the windows, but he wasn’t. And that was when I realized I almost fell right into the Delilah trap. If his interest ended, I needed to interest myself in something else.
Finding Love in Forgotten Cove (Island County Series Book 1) Page 18
