by Zack Zombie
“Especially those they gave wedgies to!”
“WAY TO GO ZOMBIE!” Creepy yelled. CLAP, CLAP, CLAP, CLAP!!!!
“I promise to lock all the mean girls in the janitor’s closet!”
YEAH!!! RIGHT ON ZOMBIE!!!
“And I promise to. . .I promise to. . .”
“. . .Give every kid a free A+ just for showing up to school!”
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
By this time, the crowd was going wild.
I had them eating out of my hand.
All the kids were on their feet yelling and screaming in joy.
I was really getting into it to. I felt a rush go through my body.
“AND IF YOU MAKE ME PRESIDENT TODAY, I PROMISE TO. . . GRRRAAWWWLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
Suddenly, everything went quiet.
“I SAID, I PROMISE TO. . . RRAAWWKKGGWWHHOOMMOO-RRGG!!”
What the what?!!!
“LOOOOOOK!” somebody yelled.
Suddenly, all the kids were looking up at me with terror on their faces.
I didn’t know what to do, so I just pulled out my secret clinch move. . .
PFFPTT!
PFFPTT!
PFFPTT!
PFFPTT!
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!”
Then all the kids just started screaming and yelling and running all over the auditorium.
I tried to finish my speech, but the more I tried to talk, the crazier things got.
GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!
“AAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!!!!”
Then, suddenly, Darius and his minions jumped in.
“Hey, Zombie, you’re so ugly, you went to a haunted house and left with a job application!” Darius said.
Then everyone started laughing at me.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Zombie, you’re so ugly you have to trick or treat over the phone!” Quentin said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Zombie, you’re so ugly, that when you were born, instead of slapping you, the doctor slapped your mother!” Chad said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
Then everybody was in an uproar, pointing fingers and laughing at me.
I couldn’t take it anymore, so I just ran to the janitor’s closet.
Except this time, I was too big to fit. So I just ran home.
All the kids were running behind me, yelling insults at me, and I think carrying pitchforks.
When I finally got home, I couldn’t fit through the front door either, so my mom opened the garage door and brought me a blanket.
Then I just laid there and cried myself to sleep. . .
Again.
Thursday
When I woke up today, I breathed a sigh of relief because I knew my body changes were only temporary.
“SIGH. . . GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
What the what?!!!!
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
Then I grabbed the car side mirror so I could look at myself. But it broke off.
I tried looking at myself, but my head was so big that I couldn’t see my whole face.
Then I called my mom.
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
I kept calling her, but for some reason she didn’t come.
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
Then I decided to go to the only person I knew who could help me.
“Whoa, Zombie! Is that you?”
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
“Dude, what happened?” Steve asked.
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
“What? You were about to win the election and then you went through some crazy mutant metamorphosis?”
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
“And then Darius and his friends started making fun of you. . .”
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
“. . .And then the whole school was pointing fingers and laughing at you?”
“GRRR. . .?”
“Naw, I don’t know what in the world you’re saying,” Steve said. “The guys just came by last night and told me everything that happened.”
Then I just broke down crying.
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG! Sniff. . .sniff. . .”
“So, I guess you’re probably ready to try my new ‘PU-BE-GONE’ potion?”
“GRRR. . .?”
“Yeah, I’m still working on the name. But, I think it’s ready. And you can be the first to try it.”
I must be crazy. But, what have I got to lose. I didn’t have anywhere else to turn.
Plus, nothing could be worse than this.
I mean like, is this what I’m supposed to look like for the rest of my life?
No way!
“GRRRAAWWWLLLLLAAAWWAGGG!”
“All right, let’s do this!” Steve said as he picked up a potion bottle from the brewing stand.
“So, you need to drink the whole thing this time. Every drop,” he said as he strapped me to a table.
“GRRR. . .?”
“Oh no. The straps are just as a precaution. Heh, heh. . .Here you go, drink up.”
Gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp, gulp!
The potion didn’t taste too bad. Kinda tasted like a mix of a Z-Monster and a 4-Hour Energy mixed together. . .with a pumpkin twist.
I didn’t really feel anything.
Nothing at all. . .
Not even a little bit. . .
Not even. . .
GLECH!
GLUB!
GLUG!
GLACK!
GLOF!
GLOOB!
GLAMACK!
BOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!
Next thing I know, I crashed right through the roof of Steve’s house!
“What’s happening to me?!!!!!”
“Uh. . .don’t worry, buddy, this might be just a side effect,” Steve said.
I just kept growing and growing and growing and growing.
Until, finally, it stopped.
“WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”
“Don’t cry, man!” Steve yelled. “Look at the bright side. Now you’re all evened out.”
“WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!”
I knew I couldn’t go back to school looking like this.
I can’t even face my mom and dad like this either.
I mean, everybody made fun of me before. Now they’re really going to laugh at me.
That’s why I just need to run away.
Forever!
Friday
So I ran away to live in the forest biome by myself.
Man, I already miss my mom and dad and all my friends.
But I might as well get used to being alone.
Nobody is going to want to be around a monster like me.
Just look at me. . .Sniff.
Trying to find a place to sleep when you’re this size is really hard, too.
Not to mention finding a place to poop.
It’s a good thing there are a lot of really big bushes in Minecraft.
To sleep on, I mean.
The hard part was finding a place to hide when the sun came up.
Lucky for me, I found a giant redwood tree to hide under.
Took me a while to find it, though. . .
“Hey, dude.”
“Who’s that?”
“It’s me, Steve.”
“Where?” I asked as I looked around.
“Down here.”
“Oh, yeah, sorry.”
“How you doing, buddy? You holding up all right?” Steve asked.
“No, I’m a total loser. Look at me. I’m a monster and nobo
dy wants me!”
“Yeah, you are big. . .and ugly too.”
“Huh?”
“Well, that is what you want me to say, right?” Steve said.
“No, but I know it’s true.”
RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
“Well, right now, I think the whole town could use a monster to help us with a really big problem,” Steve said.
“Huh?”
RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
“You hear that? That’s the volcano. And they said on the news today that the scientists have been working on stopping the volcano for months. And they’ve done everything they could, but they can’t stop it. It’s going to blow. . .today!”
“WHAT?!!!!”
“And if it does blow, that’s going to be the end of Minecraft as we know it. That means no more Mom, no more Dad. No more friends. No more school. . .no more Steve.”
“SERIOUSLY?”
“And the only way to stop it is to plug up that hole on the giant mountain next to my house,” Steve said. “But there’s nobody around big enough or strong enough to do it.”
“REALLY?”
“Yep. So, I don’t know about you, buddy, but if I’m gonna go, I want to go sitting next to my brother,” Steve said. “So move on over and give me a little room, will ya?”
I moved over a little and Steve sat next to me.
So we just sat there for a few minutes.
“Uh. . .hey, Steve.”
“Yeah, Zombie.”
“I’m kinda big, right?”
“Yeah.”
“And I’m really strong.”
“Yeah, what about it?”
“I could probably plug up that hole, right?”
“Probably, but a loser couldn’t do it. Only a really brave kid, who finally realized that all the changes he’s being going through just made him an even more special kid than he already was. . . so special, in fact, that he’s the only one in the whole world who can save us all today,” Steve said.
“Really?”
“Yup. That special kid, he could do it,” Steve said. “If only he was around to help us right now. . .at this moment. . . when we need him most. . .when his buddy Steve is in trouble. . .”
Then we just sat there for a few more minutes.
“Uh, hey, Steve.”
“Yeah, buddy?”
“Let’s do this!”
“My man!”
Saturday
BOOOOOOOOOMMMMM!!!!!!
By time we got back to Steve’s house, it was too late.
The volcano exploded, and a huge cloud of ash filled the sky.
We ran into Dr. Patella when we got there.
“Is it too late?” I asked Dr. Patella.
“No, there is still time. That was just the first explosion. The really big one that is going to wipe us all out is coming. Zombie, we need you to find something to plug up that volcano fast!”
“What can I do?” Steve asked.
“Help me evacuate the town,” Dr. Patella said. “That ash cloud is going to make it really hard for everybody in town to breathe.”
As I looked around, I couldn’t recognize anything. The whole town was covered in ash.
“Hey, Zombie, you can do this!” Steve yelled. “And remember, you can always do that nasty thing that you do!”
Then he gave me a thumbs up and ran off to help evacuate the town.
So, I ran all the way to the volcano.
By now, the ash cloud was so thick that I could hardly see anything.
But as I felt around, I felt the top of the volcano, and it was red hot with lava.
I looked around for a big boulder to plug it up with, but I couldn’t find one.
Suddenly. . .
RRRUUUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEE!!!!
I could tell that the rumbling sound was even stronger than ever before.
This must be the big one, I thought.
Then I remembered what Steve said, ‘You could always do that nasty thing that you do!’
So I pulled up my shirt, reached over and. . .
“POP!”
And then I slammed it on top of the volcano with all my strength.
BAAAMMM!
RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
RRRRUUUUMMMMBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
RRRRUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMMMMBBBBBBBBBLLLLEEEE!!!!!
FIZZZZZZZZZ!
Then instead of blowing up, the volcano just fizzled out.
“YEEEEAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!” I heard everybody in town yelling.
“You did it!” Steve and Dr. Patella said.
“Dr. Patella, is there anything else I could do?” I asked.
“No, Zombie, that was perfect. The volcano just found another way to release the pressure. Unfortunately, the Nether is never going to be the same again. But at least you saved all of Minecraft.”
Then everybody in the whole village started cheering again.
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
Then I clapped my hands together as hard as I could, and the entire cloud of ash just disappeared.
RAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
It seemed like everything I did got the crowd going.
So, then I did what every green-blooded hero would do in this situation. . .
“Boomdiyadda, Boomdiyadda, Boomdiyadda, Boomdiyadda.
I love the mountains.
I love the clear blue skies.
I love big bridges.
I love when wolves run by.
I love the whole world.
And all explosive sounds.
“Boomdiyadda, Boomdiyadda, Boomdiyadda, Boomdiyadda.
I love some redstone.
I love my zombie friends.
I love hot laba. . .
Hob lava. . .
Hob laba. . .”
Oh boy. . .
Sunday
Well, I woke up today and I’m back to normal.
I’m my normal size, and my lips are OK too.
It seems that Dr. Patella has also been working on an experimental potion for treating puberty in Minecraft Mobs too.
He calls it ‘Pu-Liberty.’
It should be on shelves by Christmas.
And man, does it work wonders.
But you know, now that I think about it, unless I had gone through puberty I probably wouldn’t have been able to stop the volcano.
Then all the people I care about wouldn’t be around anymore.
So I guess, even though it was a little rough going through all those weird body changes, it really helped me do something special.
. . .Something that no one else could do.
And I guess it made me an even more special version of who I am.
Oh, man. . .I’m starting to sound like my parents.
Blech!
Well, at least the good thing is, after saving the town, now I’m the most popular kid in school.
Not even Darius can get away with calling me names anymore.
“Hey, Zombie, you’re so dumb, you tried to save a fish from drowning!” Darius said.
“Hey, Darius, you’re so ugly that One Direction went the other way!” Brad said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Darius, you’re so ugly you turned Medusa into stone!” Velma said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
“Hey, Darius, you’re so ugly, you scare blind kids away!” Braden said.
“HAHAHAHA!”
Yeah, I’ve got so many fans now, they totally got my back.
So, I went to go see Steve today to see how he was doing.
“Hey, Steve.”
“Hey, Zombie
. What’s crackin’?”
“Uh, nothing much, just the usual. How you doin’?”
“Good, I’m just trying to decide what to do with that big mountain behind my house.”
Then I looked up and saw the huge mountain with what looked like a big green avocado on top of it.
“At least I don’t have to see you do that nasty thing you do anymore,” Steve said.
“Oh, you mean this?”
“POP!”
“Dude, that is wrong on so many levels. How’d you grow back your outie, anyway? I thought since you left yours on top of the mountain, I wouldn’t ever have to see it again.”
“Well, you know. . .
. . .Puberty.”
Find out what happens next!
Zombie’s 13 year old life finally seemed like it was getting back to normal. But then suddenly, creepy little gnomes started appearing on everybody’s lawn. And, at the same time, people are mysteriously disappearing and nobody knows why.
Can Zombie and his friends discover what is going on? Or will they get themselves in more outrageous trouble?
