I shrugged. “Wanna go out to Mel’s Diner? I’m starved and don’t know how much of a grocery trip I can stand.”
--
Half an hour later, we were both in considerably better spirits as we munched on the first of our two breakfast specials.
“So, about Cin,” Owen said out of a mouthful of bacon.
“About Cin,” I said. “I can see you really like her.”
Owen studied my face, saying nothing. That was my brother for you, always playing the martyr. Problem was, I wasn’t going to let him do it this time.
“I don’t want you to have to just throw away anything you had with her.”
“What exactly are you trying to say?” Owen asked me. “I’m not sure,” I admitted. “Just that the other night, all of us hanging out, I liked that.”
“I did too.” Owen’s smile was wistful before it dropped. “But still doesn’t change the situation.”
I shrugged. “If you can’t handle me and Cin being together, then that’s on you. We agreed to let the best man win. But judging from the fact that I woke up alone this morning, I don’t necessarily think that’s the case. Who knows, you may still have a shot.”
Owen’s fork had stopped mid-air, then, suddenly, he stabbed it into a stray fry. “You’re seriously ok with that?”
“No,” I admitted, my fork prongs digging into my own fry, “But, I don’t know, this feels different with her. Like I might really have something with her, and you might too. And I can see how happy she makes you. I don’t want you to lose all that on account of me.”
“I just don’t see how that would work,” he said, sounding skeptical.
I shrugged and popped another fry into my mouth. “We’ll just have to wait and see I guess.”
As the day progressed, my head was nowhere near where it should have been.
It was full of a parade of desperate Cin-related thoughts, I had to take a walk in the creek behind our house just to clear my head.
And yet, even as I passed by craning evergreens, invisible yet noisy frogs, and the odd gnarly walnut, I made no headway at all.
I liked Cin. I really liked her and wanted to call her up right then and invite her to my next fight, or just a dinner tonight, or both.
And yet, dialing Cin up, my finger stuck, hovering over the final digit.
My ex’s pert, elfin face flashed in my head, pout-scowling the expert way only she knew how, “You spend so much time with him, Jake.”
It had been the beginning of the end for her and me, and the beginning of several months of almost complete silence between Owen and me. There’d been other factors leading up to our brotherly split, but the result was the same: me being stuck with someone who was totally unsuitable that had tried to come between Owen and me.
I clenched my Nokia uncomfortably tight. At first, I’d really liked Amelia too. Sweetness incarnate, with cherry pie lips and steaming mocha eyes, I’d really thought I’d hit the jackpot with her. And then I’d just jumped right into a relationship with her and then all hell had broken loose.
I slid the phone into my pocket. This was new ground for me.
Beside the massive stump of a maple tree, its several-pointed leaves flutteringly benignly, my fingers drummed against the smooth paper of its bark, my gaze going to a spot further down.
There, carved into the tree, still there after all this time, were the initials: JOP. Our initials – Jake and Owen Powers. With the second knuckle on my pointer finger, I rubbed along the indentation, nodding in understanding.
My brother had always been the most important thing in my life. He was my twin, my other half, my carbon copy. We’d been through thick and thin together, and I didn’t want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship. And if that meant that we walked away from the girl we obviously both cared about, then so be it.
Still, though, I thought there had to be another solution. But would Owen and Cin go for it?
It seemed fitting, in a twisted way. Where everyone else had gone left, we’d gone diagonal and off the track completely. Getting into fighting, then going into the military, then, finally, boxing. Our choices had never made sense to anyone but ourselves, as if only those in our world had the eyes to see where the stones fell in place. Maybe that was what this was too, an impossibly perfect possibility for the two of us. One love, one girl.
And yet, again, this was new ground for us. Dangerous new ground. New ground that could give way under our feet at any minute, taking the two of us with it. Things with Cin were still tentative at best. She seemed to have even less an idea of what was going on than we did.
Getting in too deep too fast would just lead to heartbreak for all involved. Better to play it cool for now, not text Cin how my fingers were already itching toward my phone for me to. Better to see how things between Owen and her progressed, if they progressed, and then go from there.
Owen and I couldn’t afford anything else to come between us.
Although, part of me sensed that neither could I afford anything to come between me and Cin.
12
Cin
“It’s nice to see you, Cin. It’s been a while.”
“It has.” I forced a smile. Right now, my head was a mishmash of ‘should’s and ‘don’t’s’ and ‘oughts’. Was it bad that, as kind as Dr. Abraham was, I hadn’t missed her? She’d probably know if I lied about it.
“I’ve been busy with work,” I said, which was true.
She smiled – a real one that showed her gums.
“Getting on with our lives and being happy enough to be without our therapist is nothing to be ashamed of.”
Another forced smile on my part. The past few months, calling myself ‘happy’ would’ve been a generous term. Now though, ‘happy’ was one of the emotions I was cycling through on a daily basis; even sneaking out of Jake’s place the other morning.
We eyed each other, while I wondered how on earth to start.
“I met someone,” I finally blurted out, frowning.
Her kind eyes appraised me before asking her question. “Not one of the usual guys you’ve tried a few dates with over the years?” she asked.
“No,” I answered.
She nodded. “And is this someone anyone like –"
“No,” I said, cutting her off. For some reason, I didn’t want her to say his name. As if doing so would awaken his ghost along with my guilt.
“I’m not sure, really,” I said. “This feels different.”
Another smile. “That’s good. Brave of you, to stay with it.”
“That’s the problem.” I fiddled with the loose chair arm on my right side. “I’m not sure I can.”
The clipboard on the doctor’s lap was merely for show. I’d never seen her write on it, and when I spoke, she fixed an almost unsettling attention on me. “Oh? And why do you think that is?”
“I’m scared,” I admitted, my other hand in my pocket, holding my phone. Willing for it to buzz with a message.
A whole day, and I hadn’t heard anything from either of the twins. Had sleeping with Jake screwed everything up?
“And why do you think you’re scared?” the quiet prod of Dr. Abraham’s voice was saying.
“This is the first time I’ve felt this strongly about anyone since the car accident. And in this case, it’s with… I’m pretty sure it can’t work out.”
“No? Tell me a bit about this mystery man.”
Her eyes were the exact shade of the diamond-spangled cleaning cloths I used at home. Weirdly fitting, in how right now they were scrubbing away the last of my resistance.
I took a breath. “It’s not just one man, actually.”
“Oh?”
I sighed. Dr. Abraham and her ‘oh’s. Sometimes, being a therapist must be great fun, hearing people’s tightly wound secrets and great fears. Right now, though, ‘fun’ was the last thing I was having. Admitting to the older lady about sleeping with Jake was a bit like telling my mom. Not fun at all.
“They’re twin
s. One’s a boxer and the other is his manager. I met them at work and things have progressed from there and” – deep breath, Cin – “The other night I slept with Jake. But I’m worried it screwed everything up. I had this fun date with Owen, but after the other night I haven’t heard from either of them.”
I had been unthinkingly wobbling the chair armrest until an ominous creak stopped me. “It was stupid of me to think that I could be spending time and developing feelings for both of them like that. And not fair to either of them.”
“Why is that?” she asked.
I frowned. Dr. Abraham may have had a degree in psychology hanging proudly on her wall, but her secondary degree, the one not shown, was in playing devil’s advocate.
“Because they can’t possibly be ok with having to share me.”
“You know that for a fact?” she asked.
“No, I just… it doesn’t feel right. Being with two guys, having feelings for two guys. It could never work out long-term. I’d have to choose eventually, and then someone would get hurt.”
The way Dr. Abraham’s left brow quirked, I could tell that she was just itching to say ‘you know that for a fact?’ again. Although I was thankful she held back. We could talk about openness and people being understanding all we liked while we were safe here in her primrose-colored four walls. But at the end of the day, having two boyfriends didn’t work. It just didn’t.
“It seems you’ve made up your mind.” Dr. Abraham’s words were a statement, her gaze a question.
I sighed. “That’s just the thing, I haven’t. I’m annoyed with myself for all this indecisiveness, but I just can’t help it. I really like Jake, and I really like Owen. And the thought of losing either of them, or worse, driving a wedge between two brothers, terrifies me.”
“So you think it’s better to give them up now?”
“No.” I bit on the corner of a hangnail on my thumb. “I have no idea what’s better. That’s what I came to you for.”
Her smile was gentle, but firm. “You know that’s not the way it works. As a therapist, I can’t tell you how to live your life. Only you can do that.”
“But what if I have no clue?”
Dr. Abraham let a pregnant pause go by as she studied me before answering, “Sometimes when we know what is right, but it scares us, we aren’t able to follow through or even admit what we should do.”
I let my mind digest this for a minute, before shaking my head. “Maybe. But not in this case, I don’t think.”
When Dr. Abraham only nodded, I said. “So that’s it then? I should just keep seeing where this goes?”
She eyed me. “If that’s what you think. I think we can agree that writing off anything prematurely because of what happened to your fiancé, or based on what ‘isn’t right’, could be cause for regret further down the road.”
I nodded wordlessly, but Dr. Abraham’s smile was indefatigable. “Not what you hoped to glean here?”
“Not exactly,” I admitted. “I was hoping you’d tell me I had a screw loose getting feelings for two men at the same damn time. I was wanting you to let me off the hook, in a sense.”
“Sometimes, our fear acts like an arrow, straight toward what we need to try.” She blinked. “Other times, it’s a warning signal for us to pay attention, back away or just be careful.”
“Great, more shades of grey.”
She chuckled. “You know, Cin, you do look well. Better than I’ve ever seen you, I think.”
My cheeks flushed. “Thanks.”
She took one of my hands and clasped it warmly. “And don’t worry. Whatever happens, you’re going to be just fine.”
Good God, I hoped she was right.
13
Owen
“This is probably the weirdest date suggestion ever, but hey, want to go to Battle Sports with me?”
I braced myself for Cin’s response, already regretting launching right into inviting her out without any semblance of polite small talk first. After two days of zero contact, this was how I planned on getting her to come out and see me?
Truthfully, it was probably that I didn’t really expect her to agree to come out with me at all. Not after what had happened with Jake.
“Battle Sports?” she was saying. Which was not an outright refusal or excuse, at least. “I’m picturing us wearing armor and jousting.”
“Close,” I said with a laugh. “Instead, we just bash TVs and chairs and stuff.”
“Really?”
“It’s supposedly cathartic and, I don’t know, lately I’ve had a lot of pent-up emotions and stuff.”
Silence. Yep, nice idea, Owen, invite a girl you really like to go bash TVs. Brilliant.
“Sorry, it is a weird thing to invite you to,” I said quickly. “After Battle Sports, I was planning on us going the beach, having some ice cream, but we could just do that instead?”
“Sure,” she said, and I almost dropped my phone when she added, “Bash TV’s, then beach time.”
--
An hour later, I was laughing as I picked her up.
“You’re really taking this Battle Sports thing seriously, eh?”
“Hell yeah.” She fingered one of the gaping rips on her shirt. “Figured my nice velvet dress wouldn’t exactly be the best attire for TV bashing.”
I couldn’t resist – I reached out and gave one of the holes a little tug, then grinned at her. “Looks sturdy enough.”
There was something catlike about her smile. “Hopefully the TVs aren’t.”
As I pulled away from her building, I tossed a glance her way. “I should warn you, I’m not 100% sure there’s TVs to bash.”
Her expression became one of mock horror. “I don’t know if I can go through with this now.”
“What if I bribe you with chocolate?” With my free hand, I lifted the bar I’d saved for later.
Cin took it in hand. “I never say no to chocolate.”
I had to swallow back my, ‘I’d never say no to you’ for fear of sounding incredibly cheesy and ruining the date before it truly started. Both hands gripped into the leather of my steering wheel. I needed to cool it about 50 degrees. I hadn’t even kissed Cin yet, let alone all the other stuff I ached to do.
No way was I going to make it through this date if I kept this up.
So, I kept conversation to a light and carefree minimum as I weaved past all the cars that were in the way of me getting us to Battle Sports as soon as possible. As much as this was a fun off-the-wall date for me and Cin to do together, part of me knew better. That this was as much for me as it was for her. After all the past few weeks’ craziness, work and Cin, I needed a good release. Boxing used to do it for me, but with my hand, Jake probably wouldn’t even agree to spar with me. So, breaking things it would have to do.
Inside the ruddy-bricked building, the ponytailed girl at the desk was overly enthused at our coming. Probably since there looked to be next to no one else in the place.
“So, you’d like the fifteen-minute option?”
I glanced at Cin and, simultaneously, we said, “Thirty minutes.”
“Alrighty then!” the girl declared, stabbing a neon nail onto a computer key. “That’ll be together or separately?”
“Together,” I said, at the same time that Cin said, “Separately.”
Catching each other’s eye again, we cracked up.
“It’s fine,” I said. “I got this.”
“You sure?” she said.
I frowned, tapping my Visa on the machine. Was she trying to make this not a date?
Making our way to our room after paying, I took Cin’s hand.
“I have something to tell you,” she blurted out.
14
Cin
“You probably already know this,” I said, avoiding his gaze, dropping his hand. “But Jake and I….”
“Slept together,” Owen said. “I know.”
We eyed each other.
“So you two tell each other everything?” I
asked.
“Pretty much,” he said, looking away.
Maybe he was over this conversation, but I couldn’t just pretend that what had happened didn’t. If I was going to go through with this date, with any of this, then it was only going to be with clear honest communication.
I scanned him, waiting for him to elaborate. Eventually, I asked, “And you’re ok with that?”
A frown tugged at his lip corners. “Ok isn’t the right word.”
He glanced at me before continuing. I raised my brows and he sighed.
“If I’m being honest, it’s weird, ok?” He straightened his collar. “I can’t say anything for sure yet. All I know is, I like you, and Jake likes you. And while I’d rather have you all to myself of course, if I can’t, I’m not sure it would be a deal breaker.”
The grin I’d been holding back took over my face. They both really did like me. Maybe their radio silence the past few days had had the same reasoning behind it as mine – just the whole weirdness of the situation.
“And you?” Owen asked abruptly.
“What?”
“How do you feel about this whole thing? About Jake and me?” he asked. A crash from behind a closed door drew my attention. I glanced to find its window unfortunately covered, grateful for the excuse to not have to witness the molten brown of his eyes’ demand.
“I don’t know either,” I said. “Except that I like you and I like Jake, and all of this is really weird to me too.”
“Alright.” He took my hand once more. “For now, that’s good enough for me, if it’s good enough for you.”
I adjusted my grip, threading my fingers seamlessly through his. “It’s good for me.”
“Great. Let’s get breaking things then.”
Inside, we found the room disarmingly white, home to scratches and gouges of various shapes, sizes, and colors.
“What do you think this one is?” Owen ran the pad of his finger along a zigzagging purple line.
“Crayon war?” I guessed.
One Lucky Girl Page 35
