by Roz Watkins
‘Jesus, Mum, what have you got into? Are you saying you could go to prison?’
She didn’t reply.
‘If you go to prison… oh my God. And what about Gran?’
‘I’ve always done what I thought was right.’
‘But what if the rest of the group aren’t so scrupulous? What if they have been doing it for personal gain? You don’t know for sure.’
‘Well, we’re all in it together.’
‘You’re right,’ I said. ‘I do have to report it.’
I jumped up, strode into the hallway and grabbed my phone from my coat pocket. My finger hovered over the keypad. I felt a knot of anger in my chest. How could she have done this? If Mum went to prison… I couldn’t bear to think about it. And what about Gran? Who would look after her? I couldn’t possibly care for her and work. I remembered when she’d first been diagnosed with stomach cancer. I’d spent an almost unbearable few hours on the internet researching what would happen. I’d read a horrific story by a man whose wife had suffered in agony at the end, the man tormented that he’d prioritised their wedding over the trip to Dignitas she’d requested. What if Gran ended up like that? Dying in agony because I’d turned in the only people with the courage to help her.
I walked back to the kitchen and dropped my phone on the table. ‘I can’t do it. You haven’t the first idea what prison would be like. And what about Gran? I can’t do it.’
The phone rang. Jai. I picked up instinctively.
‘We’ve got some question marks over it being Felix. There should be CCTV if he left his office on that Sunday night, and there isn’t. And we’ve got some concerns about Kate. They found searches on her computer. She’s been googling about drugs that can be used to kill people.’
‘Oh. Jai, that might not be…’
‘What?’
Now was the time to tell him. I had to tell him. I could be holding back the investigation. Why wasn’t I telling him? It was as if, having made the decision two minutes ago, my commitment to it was now solid. I knew the psychology, knew what my brain was doing to me. But it didn’t change anything. I thought of Gran. ‘Nothing, Jai. Sorry. I’ll catch up with it all tomorrow. I’ll be in early.’
‘It’s fine. I’ll fill you in then.’
I placed the phone gently on the table and sunk into my chair, stunned at the enormity of what I’d done. I’d compromised a murder investigation. My insides were twitching like a dying fish.
‘You should have told him,’ Mum said.
‘I know.’ I pictured Gran’s tiny body; Steven’s eyes flicking to and fro in his little white room. ‘I couldn’t do it.’
I spent the rest of the day with Mum, watching more videos and talking about Tithonus, and a little about Carrie and Dad.
I eventually bedded down in the spare room, wearing one of Mum’s T-shirts, at 2am.
I woke to the sound of the phone early the next morning. I broke free from the tangled sheets and pressed the handset to my ear. Jai’s voice came through the speakers so loud I had to hold the phone away from my head.
‘Meg. Rosie’s gone missing!’
Chapter 34
I slammed the phone back to my ear. ‘What? What do you mean she’s missing?’
Jai’s words tumbled out on top of one another. ‘She didn’t come home last night. And we can’t locate Kate Webster either. I think Kate might have killed Peter and Beth, and now she’s taken Rosie too.’
I felt a jolt of adrenaline like an electric shock. ‘Kate?’
‘She left work on Sunday earlier than she said. She could have pushed Beth off that cliff. And the stuff the geeks found on her laptop. She’d searched how to get hold of cyanide.’
I threw the sheets off and stood, my mind whirring and swirling with all yesterday’s revelations. ‘Hang on a minute, Jai. That might not be…’ My brain was fogged up. I gave my head a shake and winced at the pain.
‘She’d deleted her search history but they found it eventually. She was looking at how painful it is to die of potassium cyanide poisoning.’
I felt a rising panic that I hadn’t told anyone about the group yesterday. ‘Jai, that might not be about killing Peter.’
‘What do you mean? He died of bloody cyanide poisoning, and she’s googling it. It’s nearly always the spouse. Why didn’t we see it?’
I started pulling on underwear with one hand. I was going to have to tell him. I hesitated, picturing Steven’s hollow eyes, his wife’s desperation. But no, it had gone too far now. ‘I’ve found out Kate’s part of a group.’ I stood on one foot, dragging on one of yesterday’s socks. ‘A group with doctors and a lawyer.’ I lost my balance and fell onto the bed. ‘They seem to have been getting hold of illegal drugs to help people die.’
‘Oh God, that doesn’t sound good.’
‘People who are really ill, though. It doesn’t mean she killed her husband.’
‘Sounds pretty bad to me, Meg.’
‘I know. Yes, it does now. God.’
‘When did you find this out? Why didn’t you tell anyone?’
‘I know, I know.’ I could hear blood rushing in my ears. ‘I’m coming in. I need to see Richard.’
I ended the call and collapsed backwards onto Mum’s supersoft guest bed. A wave of sickness washed over me. I’d been so focussed on Felix, I’d allowed myself to overlook Kate. Maybe she was the killer. And now she could have Rosie. If I’d reported her murder-group yesterday when I first discovered it… I rose and stumbled around the bedroom in the grey dawn light, putting on the rest of last night’s clothes. I’d always known I was going to be found out eventually and now it had happened. It wasn’t Imposter Syndrome after all. I really was incompetent. My judgement was off. I’d protected my mum, who I realised I barely knew, and now a girl could be dead because of it.
I smeared toothpaste around my mouth and splashed water on my face, which was tinged with yellow and green bruises. My head was throbbing and I was on the edge of tears. I shouted a goodbye to my confused mother and left the house.
I sat for a minute in the car, hands on the wheel, eyes staring, then took a breath and set off. I headed straight for work, knowing if I went home I wouldn’t get myself out of the house again. I had to come clean before I thought any more about the consequences for Mum and Gran.
The hills were particularly beautiful that morning. The sun shone on the peaks, but mist had settled in the valleys and draped itself over the lower hills like a white tablecloth. In contrast, the Station had never looked more dreary. I parked and limped into the building and straight to Richard’s office before I could change my mind.
I pushed the door closed behind me, and it shut with a dull thud. I knew I was defeated when I sat voluntarily in the chair. It smelt of stale sweat – or maybe that was me.
Richard looked surprised. I wasn’t sure if it was at my presence, my appearance, or my choice of seating. Jai clearly hadn’t told him about the group.
I explained about Tithonus. Richard’s face became redder and damper as my tale progressed. I finished with a little shrug.
Richard wheeled himself forward on his fancy chair and tweaked one of his piles into perfect alignment. ‘So, our prime suspect has been obtaining lethal drugs illegally?’ He fixed me with a stare that could have drilled concrete.
I cleared my throat. ‘Well, I wouldn’t say she was the prime suspect. I’d say Felix was the prime suspect. But the victim’s wife, yes.’
‘And you found out about this when?’
I was sinking into the chair. ‘Yesterday morning. But she wasn’t buying cyanide.’
‘Bloody hell, Meg, you can’t know that.’ He picked up a cactus and hurled it onto the floor. It splatted onto its side, spewing tiny lumps of soil. It was strangely sad. ‘You know she’s gone missing, as has the first victim’s illegitimate child?’
I nodded. ‘So I understand.’
So I understand, for God’s sake. Did I think I was going to get out of this by talking lik
e a lawyer?
‘And you put the information on HOLMES? About this killing group?’
‘Not yet.’
The tendons in Richard’s arms stretched like metal wires under his skin. ‘And you say your mother’s a member of this group? So you were protecting her.’
‘I suppose so.’
‘You know I’m going to have to suspend you, don’t you?’
I thought about all the lectures we’d been given. Honesty and integrity is key. It’s okay to make mistakes if you admit to them. I could have argued my case, but I didn’t have the energy or conviction. Besides, he was right – I should have said something yesterday. I’d prioritised my own family over the investigation. I nodded, feeling like I’d been kicked in the stomach.
I hauled myself out of the chair, left Richard’s office, and shuffled into the toilets. Every bit of me hurt, from my brain to my toes.
I let myself into a cubicle, locked the door behind me, flipped down the lid of the toilet, and sank onto it. I folded my upper body forward onto my thighs and sat staring at the floor, a huge emptiness opening up inside me. Suspended. Dad would be so ashamed if he found out. I could never tell him. Tears clogged my eyes.
I knew if I cowered much longer in the cubicle, I’d hear someone talking about me, so I let myself out and hurried down the corridor towards the exit.
My vision smeared with tears, I thudded into a body.
‘Whoa, Meg!’
It was Jai. I tried not to look at him. I couldn’t handle sympathy.
‘I can’t believe you didn’t report that group immediately,’ he said.
I looked up. ‘What did you say?’ I tried to shuffle towards the door but he blocked me.
‘They were killing people, Meg.’
It was like another kick in the stomach. I leant against the wall of the corridor. ‘People who were begging to die.’
‘But it’s wrong.’
This wasn’t Jai. It was like he’d been taken over by an alien. I straightened and looked him in the eye, anger bubbling inside me. ‘Why’s it wrong, Jai? Come on, tell me.’
He hesitated. ‘Well, it’s illegal for a start. And it’s wrong to play God.’
I shoved past him, then turned to look at his unreadable face. ‘I’ll tell you what’s wrong. You telling me you’ve let go of all that religious crap when you clearly haven’t. Some poor bastard who can’t even move, who can only blink one fucking eyelid, and you want to keep him alive, to torture him. Where was God when he had his stroke aged forty-three? Tell me that. Actually, don’t. Just fuck off.’
I ran to my car, choking back a sob.
I fumbled for my keys and threw myself into the driver’s seat, desperate to get away from anyone who might see me. I turned the key and the car stuttered and then died. I swore and smacked the steering wheel, tears misting my vision. I shouted a few threats and tried the ignition again, and the car started. I shoved it into gear and accelerated away.
The day was the opposite of my mood – rich with autumn colours, the leaves red and gold and the sun glistening on the damp road. I drove slowly, eyes fixed straight ahead, hands clamped on the steering wheel. I couldn’t believe Jai had turned on me. I couldn’t rely on anyone. First my mum, now Jai. What was the point of it all?
Back home, I did my room checks and crawled into bed fully clothed. There was a part of me that always screwed up my life – that didn’t even want a life – and she’d taken charge. I’d not seen her for a while. The other part – Sane-and-Functional-Meg – was watching with a kind of dispassionate interest. She knew a whole armoury of psychological tricks and techniques to feel better, but they weren’t coming out today. Fuck-Up-Meg was in control again. I fished my sleeping pills out of the bedside drawer. Five left. I took them all.
Chapter 35
Something was ringing in my dream. And Hannah was there. I was gazing up at her as if from under water. She was drifting further away. The ringing was coming closer. I tried to focus. Hannah was talking about her friend – the one who could no longer move. This mattered somehow. But the ringing was too loud. Hannah’s lips were moving but I couldn’t hear any more. She faded away. I forced my eyes open. The light was painfully bright. I closed them again. The ringing battered my ears. I pulled the duvet over my head.
It was inconceivable that I could answer the phone. It was as if I was hearing it through layers of glass and there was simply no possibility of getting myself to the receiver, never mind speaking. My answer-phone message came on, sounding like somebody else completely. How had I managed that? Then Jai’s voice. ‘Meg, pick up. I’m worried about you. Please. Pick up.’
I didn’t pick up. But when he hung up, I crawled up onto my knees and squinted at the phone. I’d slept through eight calls and five answer-phone messages.
I collapsed back into bed and shut my eyes. The full horror of the situation swam into my consciousness. Rosie was missing. Kate could be a murderer. If she killed Rosie after I’d found out about the death group, it was my fault. I rolled into a foetal position and put my head under the pillow.
The phone rang. I pressed the pillow to my ear.
A muffled voice left an answer-phone message. ‘I’m coming round.’ I felt a wave of sickness. It was Jai. ‘And I know the safe code for your spare key.’
Shit, shit. I shoved the pillow aside, hauled myself into a sitting position and looked into the mirror beside my bed. I winced at my swollen eyes and green-tinged skin. Maybe he was bluffing, trying to get me to pick up the phone. But he didn’t ring again.
I lowered my feet experimentally to the floor. A wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and retched into the toilet, bashing my forehead on the toilet seat. I clawed my way up to the basin, swilled and brushed my teeth, then found myself retching again. What the hell did they put in those sleeping pills?
Jai couldn’t see me like this. I brushed my teeth again, staggered back into the bedroom and pulled on clean knickers and jeans, a stretchy bra and a white T-shirt, trying to make myself feel clean. Then collapsed panting onto the bed again. I didn’t have time for a shower and didn’t think I could stand for that long without vomiting. Shame, because I must have smelled shocking.
I lowered myself downstairs, clutching the banister. Why were my knees now hurting as well as my face, head and hand? It was cold downstairs. I twiddled the thermostat in the hall, more in hope than expectation, and made my way to the kitchen to put the kettle on.
The door-bell rang. I tucked my hair behind my ears, smoothed down my T-shirt, walked purposefully down the hallway, and pulled open the door.
Jai pushed into the house. ‘Fucking hell, Meg, why didn’t you answer the phone?’
‘You’d better come in,’ I said, even though he already had.
What to say, what to say. Whilst it genuinely didn’t matter to me at that moment whether I lived or died, it did matter that Jai didn’t see how screwed up I was. Why hadn’t I rehearsed a convincing lie?
I walked towards the kitchen. ‘I think my phone must have gone wrong. The first call I heard was this morning. Sorry.’
‘Why didn’t you bloody answer it then?’
‘Oh, er, I was in the bathroom and by the time I saw the message I figured you’d be nearly here.’
‘Right.’
‘Sit down,’ I said, waving vaguely at the kitchen table and chairs. ‘I’ll make tea. Have they found Rosie?’ I put tea bags in cups and peered at him sideways from the corner of one eye, as if this would help if it was bad news.
‘They’re still looking. You don’t look well.’
‘Yeah, you know… bruises. They go all yellow and green before they get better. I’m okay.’
‘I’m sorry about what I said.’
‘It doesn’t matter.’
‘No, it does. You were only protecting your family.’
A wave of self-loathing came over me. ‘Yeah. Cos that’s what people do, isn’t it? Fuck everyone else.’
‘Don�
��t beat yourself up, Meg.’
I let out a slightly crazy laugh. ‘Why not? I was selfish and dishonest, and now a girl could be in danger. Why shouldn’t I beat myself up? I put my own family first. All my supposed morals and values – it was all for nothing when it really came to it.’
‘It’s only natural to look after your mum and your gran, Meg.’
A huge anger welled up inside me, not just at myself but at humans in general, evolved beyond our level of competence, full of lofty ideals we couldn’t stick to. ‘Yeah. We look after our own.’ I didn’t know why I was banging on at poor Jai. I realised I was standing over him and waving my arms around. But I couldn’t seem to stop. ‘It’s like when you read arguments in favour of vivisection. It’s always, So, you crazy anti-vivisectionist, would you sacrifice your granny for a rat? Well, no. But what about a granny for your rat? Someone else’s granny or your dog? It’s not about a granny versus a rat. It’s about yours versus someone else’s. We’re all selfish shits when it comes to it. Would I sacrifice my cat for a random granny? No, I fucking wouldn’t.’
Jai frowned. ‘Are you okay? I should have supported you. Anyway, I—’
‘You know I’m suspended.’
Jai looked at his feet and nodded almost imperceptibly. I planted the mugs on the table and sat opposite him, hoping he couldn’t smell me. I felt calmer after my ridiculous rant.
The wisteria smacked against the kitchen window like someone trying to get in. It was raining again, in horizontal sheets. A trickle ran down the inside of the window from a leaky frame or dodgy lintel or something.
‘They’ve predicted a storm,’ Jai said. ‘The edge of Hurricane something or other.’
‘Great. That’s more tiles off the roof and rain in the attic. They always give them such innocuous-sounding names, don’t they? Apparently more people get killed when they call them girly names. They don’t take them seriously. How fucking retarded are people?’
