He swallowed and I watched his Adam’s apple roll and his eyes darken.
Five more minutes of kissing never hurt anyone.
* * *
“Oh, good, coffee from Africa again.” My brother took the cardboard tray of coffees from me.
I hung my coat by the door and followed him into the kitchen.
“Where were you?” he asked, creasing his brows.
“Getting the coffees.” I grabbed one of the cups and sat down at the table, feigning interest in the newspaper.
“You were gone over an hour.”
“Was I? Hmph,” I shrugged “I guess I was just driving around clearing my head again.”
His brows wrinkled. “Maybe you shouldn’t go back to school. Why don’t you stay around here and go to the community college for a while? You can live at home with Mom and Dad a little longer.”
“Why would I do that?”
“Because I don’t want to be worried that you’re up at school letting guys treat you the way that asshole did before you came home. And that whole Kyle thing. I can’t believe I didn’t press you for more details when you first told me about it. I acted like it was no big deal. It was a big fucking deal. You’re my little sister. I should kick his fucking ass.”
“Excuse me, it’s Christmas. There is no need to use profanity while talking to your sister.” My father stood in the doorway.
“I was just telling her a story. I wasn’t cursing at her, Dad.”
“Well, company will be here soon. You two need to go get ready. You know how crazed your mom gets the last half hour before everyone arrives.”
Our conversation continued in hushed whispers out of earshot. “I’m okay now. I’m not gonna make the same mistakes. You don’t need to worry.”
He sighed through clenched teeth. “I am gonna worry. I might even drive up to your school a few times just to check in on you.”
“That’s fine. Go ahead if that’ll make you feel better. But just know I plan on using better judgment. I swear. Don’t say anything to Mom and Dad. And please don’t say anything to Kyle either. That’s old news. We talked at Thanksgiving. He apologized, and whatever weirdness there was with us is over.”
“Fine,” he said, but he wouldn’t look me in the eye.
“Jim, please. Mom and Dad would never understand, and yelling at Kyle would only make things weird again. It’s over.”
“I said fine.” He marched off into his room.
My shoulders dropped. Thank God, I talked Grant into holding off on telling Jim about us just yet. He wanted to tell him right away, over the break, but I convinced him to wait a little longer.
Jim was still heated from the meltdown I unleashed on him. Telling him about Grant right away would be bad timing. I’d also be horrified if Grant knew some of the mortifying things I shared with Jim. I shuddered thinking about it.
I chose a long-sleeved red blouse so I could wear my new bracelet, but keep it hidden from my family. I dabbed on a few touches of make-up and was back downstairs in plenty of time to help Aunt Irene carry in her famous green bean casserole. The table was meticulously set in a seasonal theme. We all took our assigned seats. It was the same guests from Thanksgiving, minus Kyle.
“Are the guys coming over again tonight?” my cousin asked, passing the dinner rolls to Jim.
“No, that’s a Thanksgiving thing.” He took a roll and passed it to me. “I’m gonna see them all next week on the thirtieth. We used to always hang out on New Year’s Eve, but everyone’s got a girlfriend now. So, we’re hanging out the night before New Year’s Eve instead.”
Everyone had a girlfriend?
“I didn’t know Grant was seeing someone.” Jeanie motioned for the rolls to come back over to her and put a second one on her plate.
“I don’t know who she is, but yeah, he said he had New Year’s Eve plans with someone special. So, I kind of took that as he was seeing someone.”
Under the table, I slipped my hand into my sleeve and touched the heart charm on my bracelet. It was me. I was his someone special.
Chapter Fifteen
No more sex, but so much touching. Tender touches that gave me a new appreciation for the body I once loathed so much.
It had been a week since the night we had sex and I was ready to change that. Making love to Grant again on New Year’s Eve would be the perfect way to end the year. In my duffel bag, I’d packed a simple, silk pink teddy. I planned to slip away at one point and come back surprising him in it. Hopefully, he’d have wine with dinner. I might need a glass for some courage with that plan.
Everyone in my house was a heavy sleeper. That really helped make things easier. All during the week, I snuck out unseen to spend every night in Grant’s arms. We talked and laughed until the sun came up. The next day, I usually spent curled up in bed sleeping in order to be awake and recharged for our next encounter. Jim accused my daytime sleeping as depression and I just let him. It was simpler than making up any other excuse for why I was sleeping the day away.
I was invited to Grant’s a little earlier than usual for an actual dinner date. He was making me his famous chicken a la’ Grant with all the trimmings. I was in charge of dessert; that was why I packed the nightie. Finally, there was a year ahead of me I was excited to celebrate.
Mom, Dad and Jim had their own plans to welcome the New Year. With no need to sneak out, I arrived right on time. I pulled around back of the big house and wondered if anyone in his family ever noticed me sneaking in to the little side entrance every night. Were female visitors something that frequented here? I tried not to even think about it.
Grant invited me in. I removed my coat and did a twirl in my new black dress, even raising my arm to shake my wrist showing off how beautifully the bracelet he gave me complimented my look.
“I have a surprise for you tonight.” I leaned in and kissed his lips.
They didn’t kiss me back.
I stood back puzzled. There was no smile on his face. I turned my head slowly taking in the surroundings. The kitchen area was dark. No food on the stove. No dinner in the works. Two suitcases were lined up by the doorway. The tips of my fingers and toes tingled. I braced myself for something awful.
“We need to talk.” His serious tone spoke volumes. He thought about his next words carefully swiping his hand along his chin. “I need to go back to school sooner than I expected.”
Okay, I exhaled the breath that had been trapped in my lungs; that wasn’t so bad. He just had to leave earlier than expected. I could handle that.
“When do you need to leave?”
“Tonight.”
“Tonight?” I gulped, trying not to choke on the word. “Is everything okay?”
“Yes, everything is fine.” Grant blinked, looking away. “I made a commitment I forgot about.”
He wasn’t even looking at me. His answer was vague. This wasn’t okay.
“I guess we better make the most of our time right now then.” I walked toward him and rested my hands against his chest. “And I still have a few weeks left before I need to go back. I can try and visit you at your school.”
“No, you can’t visit.” He removed my hands placing them at my sides and walked away so I couldn’t see his face. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about us and I’m not sure this is right. I think we may have moved too fast. I don’t think we should continue to see each other.”
I stumbled, losing my balance and grabbed onto the back of his couch for support. He didn’t want to see me again. Where was this coming from?
“Wha…what happened? What did I do?” My voice was raspy.
“It’s nothing you did. I just…” He scrubbed his hands through his dark hair. “You and I, we’re not a good match. We both still have years of school in front of us. We need to stay focused and make smart choices. Romance is a bad idea right now. You’re so young. I’m not sure a serious relationship is a good idea for either of us.”
“Is this about sex?” Desperation
was creeping in. Why didn’t I have sex with him again? Why did I make him wait? “I’m ready to have sex again. We can do it right now. Please, I’ll do whatever you want.” The urgency of my pleas was making my voice quiver.
“Stop. Sex has nothing to do with this. I’m not the right guy for you. This is for your own good.”
“How is this for my own good? Something must have happened. When you saw my brother last night, did you tell him about us? Is that what this is? Did he get mad at you?”
“No, I didn’t say one word about us to Jim.”
“Then I must have done something wrong.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong. We’re not ready for anything serious. I don’t want to wind up breaking your heart.”
“But you are breaking it. You’re breaking it right now.”
Grant focused on the ceiling, clenching his jaw. “I couldn’t have broken your heart. It’s only been a week.”
The room was spinning. None of this was happening. Please be a nightmare. But it wasn’t. There was no waking up from this. It was real. I clutched the charm on my bracelet. “You’re right, you didn’t break my heart. You broke a million of them.”
“Tori, please understand I’m doing this for you. You’re a beautiful person. I care a great deal about you. I just don’t want to hurt you. You’re so young. Maybe if this was a few years from now, things would be different.”
“I’m an adult. I’m nineteen.”
“I just don’t think we’re ready.”
“Ready? Give me one reason why you don’t think we’re ready.”
He stuck his tongue out and licked his lower lip. I waited for an answer. Something I could understand.
“The night we had sex,” he paused, “that was a mistake. Afterwards, the crying, I don’t think you were ready.”
That was the reason? Because I cried? This was my fault?
“No. It wasn’t a mistake,” I replied frantically. Grant still wouldn’t look at me. He kept his eyes focused on his suitcases by the door. “I didn’t cry because I wasn’t ready. I cried because…” I stopped and swallowed the rest of my words. It didn’t matter. The cold look on his face told me his mind was made up.
I could have told him that the tears were because it was new and I was a little scared, but then I also had to tell him that my tears were because I loved him. What we did was in no way a mistake. For me, it was perfect.
He didn’t care. It was over. He didn’t deserve to know that.
I slipped my coat on covering up the pretty dress I’d bought. I felt sick thinking about the silky piece of lingerie hidden in the bag I was clutching. There was no longer anything happy about the New Year ahead.
I stopped him at the door. He didn’t need to walk me to my car. We could say our goodbyes there. No need for formalities. Our relationship was over. There was nothing else to say. All the hurtful things had already been said.
Or so I thought.
“Tori, if I could, I’d erase everything that happened with us. I would make it like none of this ever happened.”
My million hearts shattered into a trillion pieces.
Chapter Sixteen
“How in the hell are you even skinnier now than when you left here a month ago?” Kenna crinkled up her nose in disgust. “I put on three pounds eating all that holiday crap. I plan on starving myself for the next two weeks.”
My jeans were loose around my waist. Dark circles lined my sunken face. I went from ugly to scary. From depressed to dysfunctional. How I drove myself back up to school was a mystery.
I spent the rest of my holiday break in bed and since I had been doing that before everything with Grant went down, it didn’t send off a flag when I continued doing it. My deterioration the last few weeks slipped under the radar at home.
It certainly helped that Jeanie’s trip to the doctor for a cold revealed she was pregnant and life in our house centered on the surprising news. Everyone was taken aback at first, but recovered quickly. Sheer excitement and preparation took over. Jim had already been ring shopping; he had planned on proposing to her on Valentine’s Day. So what? The proposal came a little bit earlier. The baby wasn’t due until after graduation. It worked out perfectly for them. Just like it usually did. They planned for a June wedding and a July baby.
Kenna sucked in her gut in front of the mirror. She looked at my reflection in the background curled up in my bed. “What’s that on your wrist? A Christmas gift?”
The bracelet from Grant. I thought about giving it back to him, making a huge statement saying fuck you and your fucking bracelet. Instead, I kept it. I wore it every day. He wished he could erase everything, but not me. I wanted to remember everything.
“Yes, a gift.”
Kenna walked over to inspect it picking up my limp arm. “From a guy?” I nodded. “One charm? That’s it? Is he the reason you look like shit?”
“Yes.” Every time I looked at that one charm, it hurt all over again and I questioned for the billionth time what it really was that I did to make him change his mind. I leaned up on my elbow. “What’s wrong with me?”
Kenna’s eyes squinted carefully. “How do you want me to answer that?”
“With the truth,” I replied. If anyone would be honest with me, it was Kenna.
“The truth,” Kenna sighed. “A lot. You have so much potential and you waste it.”
“Like what? What should I be doing differently?”
“Everything. You’re a mess. You have no confidence and it shows. But I can help you with that. I mean you have a figure girls would kill for. You just need to work it more.”
For the first time in weeks, I laughed. “I don’t have a figure. I’m thin. Not even. I’m skinny.”
“I know and the being skinny part is great. Don’t take it for granted. But you have no tits at all and that’s a problem.”
“Thank you.” I sat up. “It is a problem. No one ever acknowledges that as a problem. Having no boobs is a big deal.”
“It is, sweetie. You’re my college roommate and I should want to get wild and experiment with you in the dark and I totally don’t.”
I slowly reached for my pillow and used it to shield the front of my body. That was a weird thing to say.
“Relax, Tori, I’m kidding.” She pulled the pillow away from me. “Come on. Let’s talk about some ideas I have for you, starting with those itty bitties.” She jumped up and opened one of my drawers, digging through. “Like, why you don’t you ever wear this?” She held up my padded bra.
“I don’t know.” I shrugged shyly. “I feel like everyone will stare.”
“Good, you want them staring. Start wearing it.” She tossed the bra at me. “Now, let’s talk about your hair. I think you can pull off blonde.”
“Like highlights?”
“No, I’m talking blonde. Full head. Complete change.” She walked over and pushed my hair behind my ears. “A few small changes can change your whole life. All the confidence you lack, I’ll teach you how to get it.”
“Grant gave me confidence,” I said. When I was with him, I felt comfortable in my own skin. For a week, I actually felt…beautiful. Feeling beautiful opened me up and I gave him every part of me: mind, body and soul. He didn’t want those things. Maybe my soul was ugly, too.
“Okay, forget whoever this Grant is. What confidence did he give you?” She waved her hand over my disastrous appearance. “This, what you have going on, is not confidence. Poof!” She snapped her fingers. “Get Grant out of your head.”
I couldn’t imagine that as a reality. Grant earned a place deep inside of my heart that I just knew I would always hang on to. I doubted I would ever let go of the memories he left me with, good or bad. There was no ‘getting Grant out of my head.’ I imagined first love was a hard thing to erase.
Kenna lifted my hair and examined it. “Get your wallet. We’re going to start by going to the drug store. I can show you just how much you can do with twenty bucks.”
�
�Okay, you’re in charge.” I gave her a salute.
I needed a transformation. Kenna could help me. I’d follow her lead and make whatever changes were necessary. And apparently, I needed a lot of changes.
The very next morning, I woke up a medium blonde.
Chapter Seventeen
I leaned on the desk and signed the lease without even discussing it with my parents.
Our freshman year was done and Kenna and I were now roommates in an apartment off campus. The rent was less than the dorms and I had my own money coming in from a new job waitressing, so my parents really couldn’t say anything.
I wasn’t worried.
Okay, I was a little worried.
There’d been a lot of changes in my life lately. All good. I just wasn’t sure my parents would see it the same way. They were still mad at me for not coming home for spring break. I imagined telling them about the apartment and my decision to stay at school for the summer was not going to go over well either.
“We did it. The contract is signed. As soon as you get back, we are all set, baby!” Kenna bumped her hip into mine.
The realtor smiled at us. “Are you two sisters?”
“Are you kidding?” I laughed at his attempt at flattery.
“You look alike to me.” He closed up his briefcase and walked us out.
My medium blonde hair traded up quickly to a lighter blonde. All my bras were now generously padded and my beauty regime followed a very similar pattern to Kenna’s. I guess I could see it a little. Besides what did this old guy have to gain from complimenting me? I’d already signed what I needed to.
We drove away from our new apartment blasting the music, screaming along at the top of our lungs. We sang our own remix of a remix with the windows rolled down whipping our hair. We liked big apartments and we could not lie.
The excitement fizzled back in our dorm room as I pulled a bag from my closet and began packing. Avoiding spring break was one thing. I couldn’t avoid the big event taking place in my mother’s living room this weekend or the bigger one that was going to follow the weekend after. That meant ten long days back home.
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