“What’s the proper redneck attire to wear to a bridal-slash-baby shower?” Kenna snickered, unzipping her skirt, swapping it out for a cute pair of pink shorts.
“My brother and Jeanie have been together forever. They were planning on getting married in the fall anyway. The baby just sped up their plans a little bit,” I defended, stuffing two pairs of jeans into my bag and grabbing a dress from the hangar. I held the dress in front of me and looked in the mirror. “Were you pissed before, when the guy asked if we were sisters?”
“No, I took it as a complete compliment. We are starting to look alike.” She pulled twice to get her shorts buttoned. “But being you get to be the skinny one, I still get to be the pretty one.”
“Oh, please, you will always be the pretty one, by far.” I stressed the last word.
“Why don’t you leave tomorrow and go out with me tonight instead? It’ll be fun, I promise.”
“I wish, but no, I have to go home tonight. And you know me, I don’t like going out. You remember what happened last time.” Even though my look was changing for the better, I still preferred staying in over going out. TV, movie, a good book, I was definitely the happy, homebody type.
“Okay for the millionth time that guy Brandon or Brendan, whatever the fuck his name was, is a total douche. Even Chase told me he was all fucked up. I think he has a drug problem, like meth or crack or something.”
“Nice try, Kenna. Brendan was not on meth. He was just an asshole.” I stopped packing and held up a finger. “Or, maybe he wasn’t. Maybe he was just the first guy nice enough to be honest with me and tell me how fugly I was to my face.”
“Oh, my God, you are not fugly.” Kenna came over and gave me a lame hug. “I admit, when I first met you, you were a little plain. But now, look at you, you’re fretty.”
“Fretty?”
“Fucking pretty.”
Her stupid comment made me laugh. “Thank you, but I’m still not going out tonight. I’m just not into the whole bar or club scene, especially after what happened that night with Brendan.”
Kenna lifted my wrist. “Brendan has nothing to do with it. It’s because of this.” She tugged on the bracelet Grant gave me.
I snapped my arm away from her. “No, it isn’t.”
“Then why are you still wearing it?” She narrowed her eyes. “Why did you freak out when I told you I wanted to buy you a new charm?”
“Leave me alone. If I want to wear the bracelet, I can wear the bracelet. I only wear it because it’s pretty and it goes with everything.” Grant said he was the only one who was going to buy me charms. I didn’t want any other charms.
“Fine, then let me buy you another charm for it.”
“Kenna, I don’t say anything to you when you wear Cody’s old sweatshirt to bed. You guys broke up and yet I still see you pulling that ratty Raider’s sweatshirt out at least twice a week and snuggling into it.”
Kenna wrinkled her nose up in a snarl at my comment. She planned a surprise visit to her boyfriend back home for Spring Break. It didn’t go well. She didn’t go into detail, just said they broke up. No tears or drama, she pretended like she didn’t care. She cared. The nights she wore the sweatshirt I always noticed a change in her mood.
“You think you’ll see bracelet boy, when you go home?”
My stomach turned. “Probably.”
I hadn’t been home again since Christmas break. And even though women were only invited to the shower, I assumed all the guys would be there helping out. Carrying gifts to the car and stopping in to say hello. Even if I didn’t see him over the weekend, I’d still be seeing him at the wedding the following weekend. I never asked, but it was a safe bet Grant would be my brother’s best man.
Would he go back to ignoring me, like he did on Thanksgiving? Or was there a chance he’d changed his mind again and realized that maybe he missed me? I wished whole-heartedly for the second option. I certainly missed him. There wasn’t a minute that went by where I didn’t think of him.
The blonde hair, make-up and new bras transformed my look. The main reason I did it was I hoped when I saw him, I wouldn’t look so young to him anymore. He would see me differently. I would look grown up. Wasn’t that partly why he left me in the first place? Because I was a young teary-eyed little girl?
If I didn’t look so young, and naive, then maybe he’d want me again.
Chapter Eighteen
“Dancing with you is incredibly awkward,” he mumbled under his breath.
I clasped my hand on Kyle’s shoulder and he placed his hand on my waist. His girlfriend couldn’t make it to the wedding and when everyone was invited to the dance floor, we were the only two singles and wound up paired together.
“Why is it incredibly awkward?”
“No reason.” Kyle looked around nervously.
“I’m still kind of shocked Grant isn’t here.” I swallowed, hoping Kyle would offer a better explanation than anyone in my family had. With so much going on in my house, the details had been sparse. All I knew was that Grant had disappeared.
“Yeah, well at least now the heat’s off me and your brother has someone else to be pissed at.”
“What are you talking about?” Our feet shuffled to the slow rhythm of the love song.
Kyle groaned. “Jim and I had words a few months back. Well, he did. I said nothing.”
“Words about what?” I didn’t know anything about Jim and Kyle having an argument.
“Words about a crying phone call he had with his sister one night about all the bad men in her life. One being the guy you are dancing with right now.” He tensed, looking in Jim’s direction. “Did you really need to tell him about the cherry Popsicle comment?”
My cheeks flushed. “I had a bad night and he just happened to call. I’m sorry. I asked him not to say anything to you.”
“Yeah, well, he did. He fucking ripped me a new one and hung me out to dry.” He twirled me. “Notice, I wasn’t even second choice for best man.”
“So what, Grant said no when he asked him to be the best man?”
“No, we all just stopped hearing from Grant. Your brother tried calling him a bunch of times. No calls back, no nothing. Jim’s pissed as hell. But like I said, at least now I’m off the hook a little bit.”
Wow, I couldn’t believe I didn’t know all this. Maybe a few more calls home wouldn’t have killed me. “When was the last time you guys heard from him?”
“Probably the last time we saw him was when we all hung out after Christmas.”
“Did something happen that night?”
“With Grant, no. But that was the night your brother confronted me about our little encounter.”
“It was?” My feet kept moving while I processed this. “Did it happen in front of everyone?”
“No, he took me outside and confronted me away from everyone. The only one who might have heard was Grant. He came out to try and diffuse the situation.”
“What exactly did my brother say to you?”
“Oh, Jesus, I don’t know. Is it me, or is this like the longest song ever? If he sees us dancing, I swear he’s gonna lose his shit at his own wedding.”
“Just tell me what he said and we can stop dancing.”
“He said you were crying about some prick at your school and you told him about what I tried to get away with and how you needed to stay away from guys and become a nun.”
“What else?”
“That you were depressed and you were kind of sheltered when it came to all that stuff and you needed looking out for. He reminded me that you were just a kid.”
“I’m not a kid.”
“I know, but he was worried you were the type of girl who would say yes to anyone and he was scared you were making some big mistakes, letting guys use you. He said he would kill the next guy who used you. Then he punched me square in the jaw and kept going. Grant had to pull him off me. Grant calmed Jim down, and then drove me home. The next day I talked it out with Jim, over t
he phone, but that was the last time any of us saw Grant. Maybe watching us fight freaked him out. He wasn’t himself on the ride home, I remember that.” He let go of my waist. “Can we stop dancing now?”
“Kyle, I’m sorry that you and Jim fought like that.”
“Nope. I deserved it. That blow up helped kick my ass in gear and I needed it. So once again, I am sorry to you for what I tried to do.”
I gave him a half smile and walked off the dance floor to the ladies room. So that was what happened. Grant heard everything, saw my brother’s reaction and panicked. That was why he dumped me.
I splashed water on my face. This was all just a big miscommunication. Words that got out of hand. Jim threatened Kyle and Grant decided to back away for a little while until things cooled down.
But shouldn’t things have cooled down by now? Not keeping in touch with the guys and missing his best friend’s wedding seemed rather extreme, unless…
That whole discussion about me being too young and not ready, was that all a lie? Had Grant just used me? It never felt that way, but what other explanation was there? I needed to know.
I snuck into a stall pulling my cell from my beaded purse. Grant’s number was still programmed in and my heart raced as I pressed send. Two rings and a man’s voice answered.
“Grant?”
“No. This isn’t Grant. And do me a favor, please let everyone know that this is no longer his number. It’s been months and I’m still getting like four calls a week looking for him. Whoever this Grant person is, he obviously doesn’t want to be found or else he would have shared his new number with people.”
The line disconnected.
I already thought things were bad, but I realized it was so much worse. Everything between me and Grant wasn’t real. I must have made it all up in my head to be more than it was. I was so stupid. I meant nothing to him. He had just used me.
Chapter Nineteen
“My parents actually didn’t seem to give a crap that I wasn’t coming home over the summer. Or that we got a place off campus. I guess they’re more excited about the baby coming, and Jim and Jeanie, and all they have going on with jobs and finding a place to live.” I’d expected a little reaction from them, but there hadn’t been one. They didn’t even comment on my new improved look. I wondered if they even noticed.
“Yeah, my mom didn’t give a shit either. She doesn’t like having me around her boyfriend of the month. I’m just a younger, prettier version of her to be jealous of and I don’t want to be gawked at by any of the scuzz she brings home anyway.” Kenna grabbed a kitchen chair and dragged it to the window to hang the new curtains she bought.
“I found out Grant was just using me,” I announced, lying back on the pile of bedding I had just unpacked.
“Explain.” She stood on the chair, scrunching the new valance into place.
“My brother went off on his friend saying I was the kind of girl who says yes to anyone and that I was probably making big mistakes and letting guys use me. He said he would kill the next guy who used me. Grant heard him say it and - bye, bye, Tori.” I swallowed down the lump in my throat. “I totally let myself believe that was something way different than it was. I guess there are all different types of using and my brother was right. I fall for them all.”
Kenna jumped down from the chair admiring her work. “Okay, then don’t be that girl anymore. Don’t let guys use you.”
“How do you propose I do that?” I snickered.
“You flip the script. You use them first.” She waved for me to come over to her. “Look out this window and tell me what you see.”
I reluctantly got up and peered outside. “I see guys playing Frisbee.”
“Okay and over there?” She pointed.
“Guys talking?”
“Exactly. Guys are everywhere. Pick out the ones you want, work some magic and you stay in control. You use them, before they can use you.”
“I’m not a whore. I’m not gonna use guys for sex.” Sex was no longer something I felt I needed to conquer. I’d had sex and although it wasn’t real for Grant, it was real for me. I knew I wouldn’t find that feeling again sleeping with random guys.
“Who said it has to be for sex?” Her lips turned to a devilish grin. “You can use them for anything you want. Money, clothes, jewelry, you’ve seen me in action. You can use them to cut in line at the coffee shop.” She pushed a strand of blonde hair behind her ear. “I don’t sleep with every guy I bat my eyes at. But I sure as hell know how to work what I got, enhance what I don’t and get guys to do just about anything I want.”
I frowned, picking at my nails and walked over to the futon in the center of our living area.
Kenna rolled her eyes and followed, landing next to me with a thud. “I know what that look is. Wah, what about love?” She wiped away at fake tears. “Wah, I fell in love with a guy who bought me a crappy bracelet and bolted because he was a jackass just like the rest of them.”
Her taunting pissed me off. “Yes, Kenna. What about love? I’d use guys, so they don’t use me and what would I gain? When would I ever be happy?”
Kenna’s smile faded. “Love doesn’t necessarily equal happiness. Love actually sucks. My mom loved my dad, but she was never happy. He treated her like shit. He took advantage of her love. I loved Cody, and look where that got me.”
“You cheated on Cody all the time.”
She smoothed her hair and shrugged. “I didn’t want to. I wouldn’t have. But he cheated first. We were only together a month the first time I found out he cheated. I pretended it didn’t happen. Told all my friends who were looking out for me that they were lying, even though I knew they weren’t. I ignored it. I made it easy for him to cheat on me. It hurt, but I loved him.” Kenna had a far-off look. “After about a year of being stepped on, I decided to partake in a little fun myself. It worked. I went from being sad all the time to feeling happy again. I still loved Cody, but this way, I didn’t feel so bad about myself for what he was doing.”
I knew it wasn’t my business, but I asked anyway. “If you knew he was cheating the whole time and you were okay with it, why did you guys break up over Spring Break when you went home?”
“This is a stupid conversation.” Kenna stood up and walked into her bedroom. The door slammed shut behind her.
Kenna wasn’t an emotional girl. I’d never seen her cry, but I knew that’s exactly what she was in there doing. I felt horrible for bringing it up. Whatever happened between her and Cody when she went home during the spring was more than she led on.
Love made Kenna cry. Love made me cry. Maybe she was right. Love did not necessarily equal happiness. Relationship statuses changed on a daily basis. Watching from the sidelines for all those years, I saw many of my friends have their hearts broken. There’d been tears galore. And yet, I’d still been so jealous of them.
Hmmm.
Maybe love wasn’t really necessary to find happiness. Maybe all I really wanted was attention. People to notice me, make feel good and then I’d be happy.
I looked down at the cluster of hearts on my wrist. Pain traveled straight to my chest. Love did suck. I started to unhook the silver clasp and stopped. No. Keep it on.
The bracelet would stay on my wrist as a reminder of what love felt like. It would keep me from repeating the same mistake if I ever felt my heart wandering off again to the dark side.
From that moment on, I was going to live life differently. It was time to change things up again. An even newer me was about to emerge.
I knocked on Kenna’s door. “Hey, Ken, remember that thing you wanted me to try? Well, I think I’m ready. The internet is hooked up. Wanna come out and look at pictures with me? I’ll let you pick them out.”
The door flew open and Kenna’s smile was back. “Yes. It’s about freaking time!”
Chapter Twenty
“They look like chicken cutlets.” I held up the flesh colored jiggling globs I ordered on line.
“They d
o, but once you stick them in your bra they are gonna look fantastic. Take off your shirt. I’m dying to see what you’re gonna look like.” Kenna ran to get me one of her bras. She came back with the black lacy one with the red trim I’d always admired.
I put the bra on, looking down and laughing at the unfilled cups. Kenna pulled one of the cups down to add in my new fake boob. She gave my awakened little nipple a flick. “You have the most sensitive nipples. These headlights are always on.”
I pulled away from her and covered myself. “No they aren’t. I’m just cold. Hello, I’m practically naked right now.”
“Well, you’re cold a lot ‘cause half the time, I can see them right through your padded bra.”
They were very sensitive. After my nights with Grant, I’d become very aware of the way they’d react. I felt them get tighter just from thinking his name. “Give me the boob.” I held out my hand. “I’ll do it myself.”
I crammed the first one into the bra and then the second. Did some adjusting. And holy shit…I had boobs. Big ones.
I stood sideways and examined them in the mirror. I knew they were just fake little inserts, but they did not look like it. I felt my fake-self up. They even felt real.
I jumped up and down. The cutlets jumped with me.
“Oh, my God! They look ah-mazing. Get dressed. We are going out!” Kenna hooted. “I can’t wait to see those new boobs in action.”
I hated going out, but I did want to see what this little façade I had going on would do. Would they fool anyone? I looked at my reflection again; they were pretty convincing.
“What do I wear? I can’t wear anything low cut?”
Kenna tapped her lip with her finger. “A short skirt and that black scoop neck shirt you have. It’s nice and tight, but the high neckline won’t show any cleavage.”
I grabbed the shirt from my closet. She was right. It was the perfect look for my new boobs. The tight shirt clung to my bust. My tiny waist actually looked smaller and the bulk of the denim gave some thickness to my hips. The whole ensemble gave the illusion that I was a girl with curves.
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