by Lucy Gordon
He stopped rubbing and his shoulders sagged suddenly. ‘Will it be long?’ he asked in agony.
‘I’m afraid so. It’s a very delicate operation, just behind his ear.’
‘Dear God!’ He dropped his head into his hands. ‘What can I do for him?’
‘You’ve done it by coming here. Just wait, and be there for him when he awakes.’
‘Just wait? I don’t know how. The fact is that if I can’t give orders or write letters I’m pretty useless.’ He gave a short laugh full of derision against himself. ‘You’ve always thought I was useless, haven’t you?’
‘For a little while I saw you through a distorting glass-’
‘No, you didn’t. You saw me as I am,’ he said bitterly.
‘Carson, don’t beat yourself up like this. It won’t help Joey if you fret yourself into a breakdown.’
‘Me? I won’t have a breakdown. I’ve always been strong. I’m famous for it. The powerful Carson Page who could flatten his enemies with a stroke. And all the time the really strong one was my little boy, fighting his battles without any help from me. I can’t even tell him that I love him. He doesn’t care whether I do or not-’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Isn’t it? You saw how he drew back from me, that time I tried to say sorry.’
‘He’s in new territory, just as you are. You two still need to get to know each other. Don’t hurry it. Take it at his pace.’
‘You must be the wisest woman on earth. How did I manage before you came into my life? Well, I didn’t manage, did I?’
‘You managed to build up a commercial empire.’
‘As though that mattered twopence! Oh, dear God!’
Suddenly he dropped his head into his hands again. Gina slipped her arms around him and rested her head against him.
‘I’m here,’ she said softly.
She felt his hand seek hers, and they sat without moving. Gina was twisted into a slightly uncomfortable position, but she wouldn’t shift in case Carson released her and moved away. She didn’t want that. She wanted to go on sitting here, feeling his warmth and heaviness against her, knowing that she was necessary to him, and enjoying that knowledge so much that it scared her.
After a while his breathing changed and she realised that he had drifted into a doze. She wondered about the night he’d passed in that empty house with only his fear and sorrow for company. She’d had to stay with Joey, of course, but the child wasn’t the only one who needed her. And Carson’s agonies had been plainly written on his face when he’d come in. Now he was simply worn out by dread and sleeplessness.
She must have dozed off herself because she was startled by the sound of the door to Joey’s room being opened and pulled wide to let the hospital bed be wheeled through. She gave Carson a gentle shake.
‘They’re coming back,’ she said. ‘It’s over.’
They stood together in the door of her room while the nurses got to work settling Joey. Through the bustle they could get only a slight glimpse of the tiny figure on the bed, his head swathed in bandages. Carson tried to take a step forward but Gina restrained him.
‘Let them do their job,’ she said.
A young woman in a white coat approached them. ‘I’m Dr Henderson,’ she said. ‘Everything went very well. He’ll be coming round in an hour.’
Carson closed his eyes. ‘Thank God!’
At last everyone left except for one nurse, who stood back to let them approach the bed, one on each side. Joey lay very still, breathing evenly. He looked small and frail, but Gina noticed that his colour was good. She kissed him briefly, then moved away, leaving Carson alone with his son.
He leaned down towards the child and stroked his face. She saw his lips move, and turned away, aching for him, for she thought she knew what he had said.
In three days Joey was home, trying to be patient for the weeks that must pass before he could hope to hear his first sounds. The bandages were off, leaving his head looking the same except for a shaved patch beneath his left ear, and a dressing.
On the surface life went on as before. After the intimacy they’d shared in the hospital it seemed to Gina that something must have changed between herself and Carson. But, having briefly emerged from his shell, he’d retreated back into it. Perhaps he felt he’d given away too much of his inner self, and now wanted to turn away from her, and deny it. Whatever the reason, it made her sad. But there was nothing she could do.
She saw little of him, given that they were sharing a house. He came home early, and the three of them ate together, before she put Joey to bed. He would look in to say goodnight to his son, and it delighted her to see that they were more relaxed with her now.
After that Carson worked in his study, spending hours on the telephone to countries in different time zones. He was often still working when she went to bed.
But one night she stayed up late to watch a long movie, and as it came to an end he joined her with brandy and two glasses. He poured one and set it down beside her before sprawling on the big leather sofa and letting out a long breath.
‘I’ve just spent an hour on the phone to the stupidest man in creation,’ he said with his eyes closed. ‘You think you’ve cleared up one point, then he goes back to the beginning and starts again. After three times, you start losing the will to live.’
He drained his glass and poured more brandy. It was part of Carson’s controlled nature that he never touched alcohol during the day, even at lunch. Especially at lunch. Let the others make mistakes because their wits were fuddled. Carson Page was always coldly alert to take advantage of them. But late at night, in his own home, he drank occasionally.
Gina sipped hers with pleasure. Normally she didn’t care for alcohol, but this was a very fine vintage. ‘One of those days?’ she asked sympathetically.
‘Don’t get me started,’ he groaned.
He gave her the grin of one comrade enjoying a grumble with another, and she was reminded of how he’d seemed to her on the first day, in the car park, exasperated but generous.
She couldn’t help smiling at the picture he presented. Dealing with the stupidest man in creation had caused him to discard his tie, pull open his shirt and tear his hair until it was totally dishevelled.
He looked ten years younger at least, as far as Gina could see, for the only light came from one low reading lamp, and most of the room was in shadows.
‘How was your day?’ he asked, yawning. ‘Joey seemed cheerful at supper.’
‘Yes, we had a good time. We went to the park and took a boat on the lake. And we bumped into a teacher from his school. Alan Hanley. He seemed a nice man, and he filled in some gaps for me.’
‘I’ve met him. How did Joey react?’
‘Oddly, I thought. He was polite but they don’t seem to get through to each other.’
‘So what’s your secret?’
‘I beg your pardon?’
‘Joey has learned from experts. Some of them are deaf, so they understand his problems too. But he’s chosen you as the one person he can relate to. What do you have that the others don’t?’
‘I wish I knew,’ she said. ‘How can you explain empathy?’
‘You can’t, I guess. It’s like love. It comes out of nowhere and it can’t be explained.’
‘And it seems to survive, no matter what people do to destroy it,’ Gina mused.
‘What does that mean?’
‘Joey was talking about his mother today. Did you tell her about his operation, by the way?’
He shrugged. ‘What would be the point?’
‘I suppose you’re right, but it’s frightening how much he still loves her. I don’t know what to say to him when he talks like that-whether to encourage him or discourage him.’
‘She’ll hurt him just as much either way,’ Carson said. His head was thrown back against the side of the sofa, and he seemed to talk into the distance. Gina had noticed that he did this whenever the conversation veered towards
the personal. It had the effect of a visor being pulled down to shield his eyes.
‘Her great gift was always her charm,’ he went on, looking up at the shadowed ceiling. ‘Her beauty is almost secondary. She can charm the birds off the trees, and it works even when you know she can turn it on and off like a tap. You tell yourself that this time you’ll be proof against it and then…’ His voice trailed away into silence.
‘Was it like that with you?’ Gina ventured to ask.
He didn’t reply at first, and she wondered if he was offended. When he finally began to speak, it was as though he was talking to himself.
‘At first, you think it’s all for you, that you’ve been specially privileged with that enchanting look, the incredible smile, as though she’s been waiting all her life to meet just you. After all, she’s only nineteen, and how many wiles can she have learned at that age?
‘You tell yourself all this because you’re a young fool, madly in love, and you want to believe it. It’s actually a kind of arrogance to think such a prize has fallen into your hands because you deserve it, but at that age you are arrogant. And you’ll believe anything if she says it with that special smile. “Darling, I love you-only you-there’ll never be anyone else-”’
‘But she must have loved you, or why would she have married you?’ Gina asked.
‘She’s a lady of large appetites, which I was able to satisfy,’ Carson said bluntly. ‘And when that kind of passion overwhelms you, and you’re too callow and ignorant to know that passion isn’t everything, you think it’s enough. And when you discover it isn’t-it’s too late.’
He fell silent. Gina’s heart was beating hard at this glimpse into Carson’s secret pain, but she knew she was hearing things that weren’t for her, things he would regret telling her later.
Soon she would yawn and say it was time for her to go to bed. This would cut off his confidences about the woman he’d once loved, and who still seemed to obsess him. And it was better for them both that it should be so.
The moments stretched on. She didn’t move, and she knew she wasn’t going to. She was doing this for Joey, she told herself. The more she knew about his background, the more she could help him.
But it wasn’t for Joey’s sake that she strained to catch every inflection of Carson’s voice when he spoke of his ex-wife.
‘I knew she wanted to be famous, when we married,’ he went on, ‘but I had no idea how her ambition possessed her. She seemed so happy as a wife and mother that I thought it would last. Later I realised that it was just a stage, something she wanted to try out, like a new role.’
He drained and refilled his glass again, as though it was only with the aid of alcohol that he could endure his memories.
‘And when we discovered that Joey had problems she got tired of the role, and wanted something else. I tried to be understanding. We had a good nanny so that Brenda was free to spend time away from home. I didn’t like her going, but I thought our marriage was strong enough to survive anything.’ He gave a scornful laugh. ‘I had some very naive notions in those days-true love conquers all-no mountain too high. All that stuff the songs tell you.’
‘And you don’t believe that now?’ Gina asked, keeping her voice blank of expression.
‘If ever a man and woman loved each other, we did. And it all fell apart like a shoddy toy. Infatuation is a bad basis for marriage. The best one is if people have something in common and are fond of each other-but, even then, not too fond.’ He gave a grunt of bitter laughter. ‘If I’d known that then, I’d never have married a woman I was crazy about and we’d have spared ourselves a lot of grief.
‘She began spending longer and longer away. There were film parts that took her abroad. The parts became better fairly quickly. She was sleeping her way to the top.
‘At first she denied it. She can be so convincing. She can make you doubt what you know to be true. Then I caught her with someone-she begged me to forgive her-swore it would never happen again-’
‘And you believed her?’
‘It sounds crazy, doesn’t it? But I needed to believe her for my own sanity. In the end she didn’t bother to pretend any more, and I knew I had to cut her right out of my life, or go mad. So that’s what I did.’
The last words had an air of finality, as though he’d drawn a line across a page. After that he said no more.
Gina sat, aghast at the demon that had been released. Beneath Carson’s quiet words she sensed a wilderness of anguish and rage. He’d known a passion such as came to few people, and its destruction had left him a shell. He had ‘cut her out’. And what was left behind was emptiness, because the only way to cut her out of his heart was to cut his heart out too.
A slight thud made her look up. His glass had slipped out of his hand and fallen to the carpet. He was asleep.
She bent to retrieve the glass, moving quietly so as not to awaken him. His head had fallen sideways and in the soft glow from the lamp Gina could see the relaxed lines of his face. With the trouble smoothed away by sleep he looked boyish, vulnerable.
She hadn’t consciously noticed his mouth before, but now she saw how wide and firm it was, how sensual it must have been before cruel experience taught him to beware sensuality.
‘She’s a lady of large appetites, which I was able to satisfy… When that kind of passion overwhelms you…you think it’s enough.’
Bitter words from a bitter heart, about something he no longer believed in. Why should she care?
He presented a controlled face to the world because he dreaded to be overwhelmed again, but once he’d been happy to give himself up to his love. The thought was mysteriously painful.
As she knelt her face was so close to his that she could feel his breath brush her mouth softly. The effect on her was electric. He hadn’t even touched her, and yet she felt the charge go through her body, melting it, making it weak with desire. She discovered that she was trembling.
She ought to go, but she stayed, thinking that somewhere in the world was a woman who’d had this man’s passion and thrown it away. And wondering if that woman was mad.
If he had loved her she would never have left him-because it would have been like tearing out her own heart. His love would have been the pinnacle of her life, fulfilling every dream, satisfying every desire. Instinct too deep to be examined told her that.
She seemed to have been taken over by another will, one that held here there watching him yearningly, made her lean towards him when she knew she ought to leave. It kept her still, fighting the temptation to lay her lips gently against his, but not fighting it very hard. In another moment she would yield and kiss him. And never mind the consequences!
He stirred, muttered, reached out his hand blindly. It touched her face and she froze, terrified in case he awoke and found her there. It seemed like an age that she knelt motionless while his fingers lay against her lips and her heart thundered.
Gradually she took his hand between hers and moved it away from her face to lay it on the sofa. Then she rose to her feet and fled the room.
Carson opened his eyes with a start, wondering if he’d been sleeping or waking. In his twilight state he’d almost thought that…
But there was nobody there.
CHAPTER SEVEN
A LL this time Dan had been keeping in touch, regularly asking her for a date, but she’d put him off, using Joey as an excuse. But when the boy had been home for ten days Carson said, ‘Dan called you again today. I shouldn’t monopolise you the way I’ve been doing. Call him back and say you’ll go out.’
‘How will you manage alone with Joey?’
‘Well enough. We can practise signs and he can have a good laugh at my expense. It’s a pity you won’t be here to see that.’
‘Don’t worry,’ she said mischievously. ‘He’ll tell me all about it later.’
He grinned. ‘I’ll bet.’
His smile was cordial but it didn’t invite her in. It never did, these days.
The morning after their talk he’d said casually, ‘I had a drop too much last night. It always makes me come out with nonsense. That’s why I don’t do it often. Did I say much?’
‘Hardly anything,’ she’d assured him. ‘You were half asleep.’
‘Fine. Fine.’ And the matter was closed.
Encouraged by the generous wage Carson was paying her, on top of her salary from Renshaw Baines, she splashed out on a new dress. She had her doubts as soon as she got it home. It was pale yellow chiffon, floaty and glamorous, and she couldn’t imagine where Dan was likely to take her that would justify it.
It wasn’t a Dan sort of dress at all, she realised as she paraded in front of the hall mirror, her own room being too small for parading. It was designed to bring out the depth of her eyes and the auburn glow of her hair, and he was too used to her to observe either. This was a dress for a man whose attention she wanted to claim so completely that he would forget all other women.
Joey sat on the stairs watching her. Laughing, she gave him a twirl and he made the sign for ‘pretty’.
‘Thank you, kind sir,’ she said, curtseying before him.
‘What did he say?’ Carson was standing in the doorway, watching them. His eyes made her feel self-conscious. That happened often now, ever since the night he’d told her about Brenda, or before, when he’d turned to her in his anguish at the hospital. But then he’d turned away again.
‘Oh-he likes it,’ she said vaguely.
Joey signed the word again.
‘Spell it for me,’ Carson told him. Joey did so. ‘Pretty? Right? Yes, Gina is very pretty.’ Joey spelled vigorously. ‘Very, very pretty,’ Carson amended. ‘Yes, she is. I think so too.’
He made a circular motion with his hand, and she twirled again. ‘My son has good judgement,’ he observed, his eyes on her. ‘Very, very, very pretty.’
‘Thank you,’ she said, smiling and agitated together. Now she knew why she’d bought this flattering creation.
