For The Sake Of His Child

by Lucy Gordon

  But the feel of his lips was wonderful, creating heat and passion, so that the sad thoughts faded. There would be a lifetime for them later. Just now she would surrender to her love, and lay up for herself memories to cherish like treasure in the cold, lonely time ahead: the time that she had seen, and he hadn’t.

  Slowly, almost reverently, he drew off her nightdress, revealing the whole of her slim, pale body.

  ‘Do you know how long-and how badly-I’ve wanted you?’ he murmured.

  Gina shook her head. ‘I only wish I did.’

  ‘Then let me show you.’

  He pulled off his own clothes, kicked them impatiently aside, and drew her nakedness against his own. The first touch was like fire for them both. His kiss was deep and intense, taking possession of her. She leaned against him, glad to yield to her desire, eager to belong to him totally in the flesh as she did in spirit.

  She felt his body along the length of her own, pressing her close, and she held him, running her hands over his long, muscular back, down the length of his spine to the lean, powerful hips and thighs. Tremors went through him at the touch of her fingers, gentle at first, then inciting him as she grew in confidence.

  His tension grew as he sensed her caresses asking for his love, and he lifted her, carrying her the short distance to his big bed, and laying her down tenderly. He didn’t rush her, but contemplated every line and curve of her beauty before dropping his head to lay between her breasts.

  She had known nothing like the sensation of his lips loving and teasing her nipples while she took long, ecstatic breaths. She couldn’t have said where love ended and desire began. For this man alone, they were one and the same.

  She had feared Carson’s passion was dead, but now she saw his fierce, growing urgency, and knew that what Angelica Duvaine had striven in vain to rouse was hers for the asking.

  When he came over her she was ready, sweet and welcoming, offering him all she had. The feel of him inside her was wonderful. She was right to have claimed this moment, perhaps all she would ever know of love. She held him to her passionately, seeking to imprint every detail of his body on her memory.

  The smooth back under her hands would be with her always, as would the breadth of his shoulders, and the heat of his skin against hers. But what would live with her longest was the memory of being one with him, of being his utterly and completely in a union of body, soul and heart.

  She held him closer, whispering his name, nothing held back, no defences. All his. His in every way. When the moment came she tried vainly to hold onto it, and wept as it slipped away. For other lovers there was the promise of next time, but not for her.

  Carson kissed her face until her tears had dried, smiling at her in the moonlight.

  ‘Now you belong to me for ever,’ he said.

  ‘Yes,’ she said huskily. ‘I’ll always belong to you, wherever I am, wherever you are.’

  ‘What are you talking about? We’re not going to be apart. We’re going to be married.’

  ‘But we can’t be married,’ she said despairingly. ‘My darling, haven’t you understood that I have to go away and leave you, and that we may never see each other again?’

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  C ARSON frowned as if he couldn’t comprehend her meaning.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he asked. ‘This is a beginning for us. You can’t leave me now.’ His voice was arrogant with possessiveness. ‘I won’t allow it.’

  She rested her face against him, willing the world to vanish. If only he could order this as he ordered so many things.

  ‘Don’t you realise that it’s gone beyond that?’ she asked huskily. ‘It’s out of our hands. Oh, darling, I wish I could see some hope for us, but I can’t.’

  He stared at her in disbelief. ‘You can’t mean that,’ he said at last. ‘Forget what Brenda said about still being married to me-’

  ‘It’s not Brenda, it’s Joey. He wants his family back, and he thinks he has it. Haven’t you seen how happy he is?’

  ‘He’s in a fool’s paradise. Gina, don’t talk like this. Don’t make us all suffer because that woman has taken you in.’

  ‘She hasn’t taken me in,’ she answered in a shaking voice. ‘I see exactly what she is. But I also saw Joey’s face when she appeared.

  ‘When my mother died, for months afterwards I told myself that she hadn’t really gone for good, that one day she’d forgive me for being “a bad girl”, and come home. I pictured it again and again, how the door would open, and there she’d be. And I’d run to her, and she’d hold me. She was dead, but that didn’t stop me imagining it.

  ‘And today it was there in Joey’s eyes, everything I’d been thinking and feeling. His dream came true.’

  ‘But it’s only a few days ago that he was talking of you as his mother.’

  ‘Only as a substitute. Now he’s got the real thing, and for the first time he’s completely happy. I won’t be the one to take that happiness away from him.’

  ‘No, Brenda will do that.’

  ‘Then he’ll have you to make it up to him. You’ll have to stick close by them both, make her behave herself, help him when she doesn’t.’

  He tore his hair. ‘This will all be over in a few days. She’ll rush back to Los Angeles-’

  ‘I don’t think we can count on that. She’s going through a rough patch. She lost that TV show. Darling, however long it takes, let Joey enjoy his happiness while he can. You can help now. You two have found each other.’

  ‘Only because of you.’

  ‘Yes, maybe because of me. I’d like to think so. You’ll both be all right now.’

  ‘Will we?’ he said bitterly. ‘Do you think I can love you as deeply as I do, and be all right without you? My God, I knew you didn’t love me as I love you, but I expected more than that!’

  ‘You love me?’ she whispered. ‘And you think-you actually think-that I don’t love you?’

  ‘It was all for Joey, wasn’t it? And because you want to put right the wrongs of your own childhood. You would have married me for Joey’s sake, and now you’re leaving me for Joey’s sake.’

  ‘But-’ she searched his face, hardly able to believe what she’d just heard ‘-of course it wasn’t just for Joey’s sake. How could you believe that?’

  ‘Because you took so long to say you’d marry me. You only agreed when he had that nightmare. I knew what to read into that.’

  ‘Then you got it wrong. And tonight? What do you read in my being here, in your bed? Why do you think I made love with you, knowing that we’ve got to part?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ he said sombrely. ‘I’m confused. You came to me like a woman who loved me, and you gave everything. That’s something I’m not used to. It’s overwhelming. I know what I want to believe, but-’ he searched her face with desperate anxiety ‘-I’m in your hands.’

  Her mind was whirling. She could hardly take this in.

  ‘I love you, Carson,’ she said passionately. ‘If you only knew how much I love you! But I thought she was still between us, that she’d left you empty and unable to love. I thought you wanted a mother for Joey and there was nothing in your heart for me but a little affection.’

  ‘A little affection? My darling, if I could only tell you- Gina? What is it?’

  She was rocking back and forth, her arms clasped about herself, laughing and crying together.

  ‘What is it?’ he asked again, alarmed by the wild note in her voice.

  ‘I don’t believe this,’ she wept. ‘How can we have found out now, when it’s too late?’

  With a groan he pulled her against him, burying his face in her hair.

  ‘It mustn’t be too late. You’re my love, my only love. After this there can’t ever be anyone else for me.’

  ‘Truly?’ she whispered, joyful in the midst of her anguish.

  ‘With all the truth of my heart, I swear it.’

  ‘But those things you said about what we had in common-you practically told me
once that you only wanted a sensible marriage-’

  ‘Maybe I thought I meant it, but I know better now. If we were just being sensible, my heart wouldn’t be breaking at the thought of losing you. Dear God, this can’t be happening! We can’t have found each other, only to lose each other in the same moment.’

  ‘But we can,’ she said despairingly. ‘Oh, my dearest, kiss me; kiss me again and again. If it’s all we have-’

  ‘It mustn’t be. I won’t let you go. Do you hear me? I won’t let it happen.’

  It would be so easy to yield to his insistence, and the temptation tortured her. It was unfair, she thought rebelliously, that the onus must be on her. But Joey’s face was before her, and she hardened herself to do what must be done.

  ‘For the moment, at least, you must give me up,’ she said. ‘You can’t send Brenda away. It will break Joey’s heart.’

  ‘But we both know that her games won’t last. She’ll tire of it-’

  ‘She’ll go on as long as it’s useful to her. Maybe long enough for Joey to grow older and cope better. Don’t force the truth on him, Carson. He couldn’t stand it.’

  ‘Isn’t it better for him to accept it now?’

  She couldn’t bear any more. Driven to desperation, she faced him with the situation in the bluntest, cruellest terms she knew.

  ‘All right,’ she said. ‘Maybe he should be told that the mother he thought loved him is using him heartlessly, that his happy dream is over, and he’s actually as rejected and abandoned as he feared. Will you tell him that, my darling? Or shall I?’

  He seemed to grow older before her eyes as the inevitability of what she was saying sank in.

  ‘You’re right,’ he whispered in horror. ‘We can’t do that to him. However much we reason around it, when it comes to the point-we can’t.’

  They looked at each other. There was nothing more to say.

  Slowly he put his arms about her, drawing her close against him, not making love to her now, but needing to feel her warmth. They lay holding onto each other as the night passed and the first light of dawn crept in.

  Gina watched it with bleak eyes. She’d told herself that in marrying Carson she was accepting second best, that the most she could hope for was a sedate, pedestrian love. Now she knew the glorious truth-that it was she and she alone whom he loved. She had his whole heart, his passion, his trust, his soul. She had everything she wanted.

  And it was all too late.

  As the light grew she asked herself whether it would have been better never to have loved him than to have known this pain. But her heart knew the answer. She’d had her moment of glory, and, however long it must last her, it would be enough to live on.

  At last Carson said, ‘I won’t believe that this is the end. Some day we’ll find each other again and, when we do, I won’t have changed.’

  ‘And nor will I. However far away that is, I’ll still love you, just as I do now. Hold me. Hold me!’

  She buried her face against him, her shoulders shaking. And he held her in silence.

  Angelica confronted Gina in the kitchen while she was making coffee.

  ‘Now I know who you are,’ she said belligerently. ‘It was you on the phone that time. I didn’t recognise your voice at first. So you’ve been here ever since, worming your way in.’

  ‘I was here to help Joey.’

  ‘Nice try. You took a look around you and thought you’d get your hands on the goodies. I don’t suppose a speech therapist, or whatever you are, earns very much.’

  ‘I’m a lawyer.’

  ‘Oh, a lawyer. But you just happen to have spent the last few weeks being a drudge in this place, and you expect me to think you’re not on the make?’

  ‘You can think what you like,’ Gina said quietly.

  ‘Oh, I’ll do that. I know your sort. Thought it would be easy to take over another woman’s home and husband. Well, think again, lady. I’m back to stay.’

  Gina faced her. ‘As long as you make Joey happy, that’s fine.’

  ‘Don’t you lecture me about my son,’ Angelica said viciously. ‘I want you out of here, fast.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’m going. But I’d like to talk to you about Joey first. There are things you need to know about his development.’

  ‘Like what? He can hear, can’t he?’

  ‘In a way, but-’

  ‘Well, you wouldn’t know it. I can’t understand a word that kid says. As for those signs-’

  ‘You can learn them. Mr Page did.’ Gina added bleakly, ‘I’m sure he’ll teach you.’

  ‘But why should I have to learn them? I thought once he had that thing he’d be all right. But he’s just like before. I suppose that’s your doing.’

  Gina looked at her sharply. ‘What do you mean by that?’

  ‘Oh, come on! That’s how you got your feet under the table, isn’t it? Poor little kid-needs you. You weren’t going to let him be normal too soon, in case Carson wised up.’

  Out of sight Gina clenched her hands, angrier than she’d ever been in her life. But she subdued her rage. For Joey’s sake she must make this unpleasant woman face the reality of his condition.

  ‘I won’t answer that,’ she said when she could speak calmly. ‘But you have to know how things are for him.’

  ‘All right, all right. Maybe later-’

  ‘Shut up and listen!’

  Angelica’s jaw dropped. Nobody had talked to her like that for years. Taking advantage of her silence, Gina explained about Joey’s implant, and about the time and work it would take before he could speak properly.

  Angelica blew out her cheeks. ‘Well, it’s not what I expected, I’ll tell you that.’

  ‘Just be patient with Joey. He’s learning fast, and now he’s got you back he’s-well, he’s perfectly happy. If you’ll just learn a few signs-’

  ‘No way. That stuff gives me the creeps. If Joey can hear now, it’s time he sharpened up his act. And he’ll do it a lot better without you around, miss. So-out.’

  There was a noise in the doorway and they both turned sharply to see Joey standing there. He was looking from one woman to the other and it was impossible to tell how much he’d followed. Angelica was in profile to him, making lip-reading difficult, and anything he’d heard would be no more than a jumble of sounds.

  The actress gave her son an effusive greeting, which made him smile. He began to sign, which made her mouth tighten.

  ‘He said “Hello, Mummy”,’ Gina told her in a strained voice.

  ‘Well, he can say it, then, can’t he?’ Angelica demanded.

  ‘Let him do it when he’s ready,’ Gina begged.

  ‘I told you to keep out of it, lady. He can speak properly if he wants to, and he’ll be fine when he hasn’t got you here holding him back.’

  Her tone changed and she swooped on Joey again. ‘Come along, darling. You can do it for Mummy, can’t you? Now say it-Hello, Mummy.’

  He tried. It was a good try for a child who’d only been able to hear for a few days, but not close enough to please Angelica. She winced.

  ‘Never mind,’ she said through gritted teeth. ‘We’ll try again later.’

  Carson overheard part of this and it increased his sense of moving through a nightmare. Gina, who had taken every situation in hand and shown him the answers, seemed to have no answer for this.

  The nightmare deepened with the discovery that Angelica had invited the press back that very day, determined to restage their reunion.

  ‘If she thinks I’m going to allow that-’ he growled.

  ‘Let her,’ Gina said. ‘Sooner or later she’s going to do this, and better now while I’m here to help Joey. After that, I’ll have to go.’

  ‘Have you explained that to him? He’ll take it hard.’

  ‘I’m not sure. I’m dispensable. I have a feeling that he may not even notice that I’ve gone.’

  ‘After everything you’ve done for him-’

  ‘Children are practical, darli
ng. They take what they need to survive, and pass on.’

  Joey was following his mother around, trying to communicate with her. When she didn’t understand his signing he attempted speech, and managed some of the words. He didn’t know that Angelica had expected to find all the problems solved.

  He read her lips as she explained that they were going to have another party, some friends of hers would be coming and he must be on his best behaviour. He smiled, enjoying the thought of another party, but wondering when his mother would want to be alone with him so that they could talk, as they did in his dreams. As he talked to Gina.

  He decided that Gina would know the answer to this, and went in search of her. He found her in her room, packing.

  Where are you going?

  ‘Back to my job, darling. That was what we agreed at the start-that I’d be here for just a few weeks.’

  I don’t want you to go.

  ‘I have to. You don’t need me any more. You’ve got Mummy now.’

  Joey didn’t react to this with the brilliant smile she’d seen so often on his face since yesterday. Instead he frowned and tilted his head in a considering manner, as though it was only just occurring to him that he couldn’t have them both.

  ‘You love your mother, don’t you?’ Gina asked gently.

  His lip-reading seemed to fail him and she had to sign, crossing her folded hands on her chest to indicate ‘love’.

  Joey nodded, and now there was the smile. He understood that sign. It was what he felt for Brenda, Gina thought sadly. And that was how it should be.

  He went away without communicating any more. Gina watched him go, with an aching feeling that made her angry with herself. What had she expected? The child had recovered his mother, and if Angelica’s career really was on a downward slide perhaps she would be scared into behaving well. If not, Carson would know how to protect Joey. Everything was working out well.

  Downstairs Angelica was getting agitated. She’d put on a glamorous dress and made herself up to kill. What was left of the cake had been wheeled out, and she was distributing the presents that she’d brought the day before. She frowned when she saw Joey.