When no one immediately answered, he knocked again. “Hello?” he called out. “Anyone there?”
Again, silence. Now what?
He stared at the first aid kit in his hand. He supposed he could leave it at the door, but it would be better if a note accompanied it. It was too bad he hadn’t thought that far ahead and brought a pen and piece of paper with him.
Feeling vaguely foolish, he set the kit down. So much for his good deed.
“No one is in there,” a feminine voice called out. “But I guess you realized that by now.”
He spun and swallowed hard when he realized that it was the very woman he’d come to see. Sadie. “How long have you been standing there?” Aware that he sounded angry, he cleared his throat. “I mean, I’m surprised to see you standing here.”
“Are you?” She looked puzzled. “Well, I haven’t been here long.” She gestured around the corner. “I was hanging up laundry. It took me a minute to realize someone was knocking at the door. We don’t get many visitors.”
“Ah. Well, I don’t know if you remember me, but my name is Noah Freeman. I was one of the EMTs the other day.”
“I remember you.”
“And your name is Sadie, right?” he asked even though he knew for sure that it was.
“I am.” Gesturing to the doormat, she said, “What did you drop off?”
“That? Oh, it’s a first aid kit.” When she continued to stare at him in confusion, he said, “We give those out to schools and such.”
“Did you think if we had one of these it might have saved Verba’s life?”
He tried not to flinch. “Nee, she was verra ill.” Feeling more uncomfortable by the second, he mumbled, “Boy, you’re direct.” Suddenly, a new thought occurred to him. “Or were you being sarcastic?”
She looked down at her feet, then covered her middle with her hands. “I wasn’t being sarcastic at all. Forgive me. Sometimes I say and do things without thinking about the consequences. I guess this is one of those times.”
This was a very odd conversation. Or maybe she was simply a mighty odd girl. Absolutely regretting his decision to visit her, he stepped away. “To be honest, I don’t give out first aid kits to people I’ve met during calls.”
“You don’t?”
“I never have before. I guess . . . well, I was looking for a reason to stop by and this seemed as good as any. I didn’t want to show up empty-handed.” He picked up the plastic container and snapped open the box. “Just so you know, there’s lots of useful items inside. Bandages, gauze, salve . . .”
“Danke. I’ll, uh, ask my relatives what to do with it.” After examining the insides for herself, she set it back down by the doorstep.
He stood where he was, unable to stop watching her. She was barefoot. Her feet were slender and feminine. He supposed one could say they were pretty. Actually, she was pretty. Very pretty.
But he’d noticed that from the very first.
He liked her light-brown hair, so tightly confined under her kapp. He liked the color of her eyes. He didn’t know if he’d ever seen blue eyes that exact shade before. But more than that, she appealed to him because she seemed so out of place. Noah realized then that was the key.
He understood how it felt to feel out of place. Knew what it felt like to know that he would never completely blend in because his very presence was at odds with the surroundings.
“I’m sorry for sounding so confused,” Sadie finally said. “I’m new here.”
Instead of dwelling on their combined awkwardness, Noah focused on the information she’d just shared. “Where did you move from?”
“Ohio.”
“That’s far.”
“It is.” She looked down at her bare feet. “On some days it feels like I’ve come a long way, indeed.”
That sounded cryptic. Wanting to know more, he fired off another question. “What made you decide to move here?”
“A lot of things.” She pursed her lips, then continued. “I . . . um, well, I got in a disagreement with my parents and I had to leave. Mei onkle Stephen is my mother’s younger bruder, you see.”
Noah wasn’t sure if he did “see,” but her situation was becoming clearer. She had to leave her home because she was kicked out.
Though he wanted to know more about why a sweet girl like her would be asked to leave her home, he wasn’t going to make her share any more of her situation. “It’s gut your uncle Stephen and his family had a place for you.”
She made a face. “Oh, they didn’t. I mean, they don’t. Not really.” Looking at the house, she continued. “I’m sleeping on a cot next to Esther in the kitchen at night.”
“You don’t have a bedroom to sleep in?”
She shook her head. “Verba and Willis have a room.” She bit her lip. “I mean, Willis does now. Stephen shares the only other room in the house with his son, Monroe.”
It was a cramped household, and it sounded as if she and her cousin Esther got the worst of it. For a moment, he thought about that, thinking that his father would have made him and Silas do the sleeping in the kitchen so their sisters could have a room, but maybe it didn’t really matter one way or another.
When he realized that Sadie was watching him, awaiting his response, he attempted to lighten things up. “I hope you and Esther get along.”
“So far we do. We don’t know each other real well yet.”
She hardly knew her relatives. He felt sorry for her . . . and was growing more concerned about her, too. She seemed so alone.
“It’s real hot out. Would you like to take a walk down to the creek? It’s pretty shady, and we could put our feet in the water.”
She glanced over to where he was pointing, seemed to stare longingly at the narrow dirt patch that peeked out, then shook her head. “I can’t. I’ve still got more laundry to hang up.”
“All right, then.” But just as he was about to wish her good day and turn around, he found himself blurting something else. “May I help ya?”
Her eyes widened. “With the laundry?”
For a moment, he was brought up short. Sadie was acting as if his offer was a big deal. Thinking about all of the times his mother had wrangled all of the kids to help her hang clothes on the line, and put them away, he felt a burst of pity for Sadie. Things were obviously much different in this home.
Hoping that she wouldn’t notice how deeply her words were affecting him, he shrugged. “Well, jah. It ain’t anything.” When she still hesitated, he started walking around the house. “Come on, or I’ll do it without you.”
When she hurried to his side, he grinned.
She caught that. “I’m amusing you.”
“Only a little bit,” he said as he saw the pile of laundry in a large wicker basket. Beside it was another basket, this one holding clothespins. Picking up a sheet, he shook out the wrinkles. “How would you like to do this? Want me to hand you items or do you want me to hang them on this clothesline while you take the other one?”
“Whatever you want.”
“It’s your line, Sadie.”
She exhaled, as if she had just come to a very important decision. “Would you mind handing me each item? That will help me the most.”
“I can do that.” Walking over to her, he handed her the sheet and even held it while she secured the pins. When the white sheet was fluttering in the hot sun, he smiled at her. “See, that wasn’t so bad.”
She smiled. “You’re funny, Noah.”
“I get that a lot.” It was a fib, of course. He couldn’t think of anyone who thought he was particularly funny. Most of the time, they simply concentrated on how he was so different than the rest of his family.
He pulled out another sheet and handed it to her. “I bet this won’t take us long now.”
“Maybe not.”
It ended up taking over an hour to get all the laundry fluttering in the faint breeze. The basket seemed to keep filling up with clothes. There was far more inside it than he had ima
gined.
The wet laundry was heavy, too. He found himself wondering how a slight girl like her had carried it outside in the first place. “Where is your washing machine? In the basement?”
“Nee. My relatives don’t have a gas washing machine. We wash our clothes by hand in the tub over there.”
He stared at the twin metal pails, the kettle that had obviously held hot water, and the wringer. When he thought of how much his mother complained about hanging up laundry on Mondays, he couldn’t imagine how she would feel if she’d had to wash everything without a washing machine.
“Someone should have been helping you.”
“I don’t mind. I did laundry this way back in Ohio, too.”
Just as he was about to comment on that, her cousins and their father walked up from the lane.
“Sadie, what is going on?” Stephen asked when they came to their sides.
Sadie gripped her hands tightly behind her back. “Nothing, Onkle. Noah came to deliver a first aid kit.”
Though Esther didn’t seem concerned by Noah’s visit, Monroe did. He was staring at Noah like he should’ve known better than to stop by without an invitation. However, it was Stephen who marched over, picked up the first aid kit, and thrust it toward Noah. “We don’t need this. You can take it with you.”
Noah held up his hands. “It only holds gauze, bandages, salve, and a few other things. Nothing untoward.”
“But still, it’s nothing we need here. You may go now.”
Now was definitely not the time to fight. “All right,” he said as he took hold of the first aid kit. “Sadie, I’ll be seeing ya.”
She didn’t answer, however. Instead, her face had become an expressionless mask.
Almost as if she hadn’t heard him.
Feeling more disturbed than ever about the things that were going on in the Stauffer household, Noah put the kit in his backpack and got on his bicycle.
As he rode away, he knew something was very wrong here. What he didn’t know was what he was going to do about it.
Chapter 5
Friday, July 6
The moment Noah was out of sight, Uncle Stephen marched up to her. “What were you thinking, inviting that man into our yard?”
Sadie felt her insides churn the very same way they did when her father berated her.
Though Stephen hadn’t raised his voice, she still felt the sting of each word. His accusing glare, combined with the way he was biting out each word, didn’t feel all that different than the times her father struck her with a cane.
Instinctively, she shrank from him. “I’m sorry, Onkle.”
He froze, then took two steps back. “I ain’t going to hurt you, Sadie. I would never do that.” His voice was hurt and, perhaps, slightly shocked.
She forced herself to lift her chin and gather her thoughts. She could do this. She could defend her actions like a grown woman. She was going to be a mother soon. She needed to learn to stand up for herself.
“I didn’t invite Noah here,” she replied at last. “Like he said, he showed up with the first aid kit. I couldn’t very well ignore him.”
“That may be what happened, but it don’t change the fact that you deliberately disobeyed us. You know we don’t want or need strangers around here.”
Though he wasn’t touching her and he was obviously taking care to speak evenly, her uncle’s words still alarmed her. She had to obey him, to obey their rules. She couldn’t get kicked out of their house. She needed a place to stay. She had to have a place to stay.
“I’m sorry,” she said quickly. “I won’t do anything like that again.”
“I hope not. Remember, you promised to abide by our rules.”
Sadie glanced at Esther and Monroe. They were standing side by side, a mixture of pity and frustration on their faces. With a sinking feeling, she realized that neither was going to stand up to their father.
She shouldn’t have expected that they would. After all, hadn’t she kept her mouth shut when her own father yelled at one of her siblings?
“I will, Onkle,” she said quietly. “You know how grateful I am to be here. I will try harder to remember your rules, I promise.”
Maybe it was her heartfelt apology, or maybe it was that he’d allowed his temper to cool, but Stephen seemed to relax a bit. “I’m sorry, Sadie. Mei frau told me more than once I sometimes speak and act without thinking.” Looking sheepish, he continued. “Evidently, she wasn’t wrong. Did I scare you? Are you all right?”
“Jah, Onkle. I am fine.”
He eyed her more closely, from her bare feet to the wisps of hair that had come loose from their pins under her kapp. “Perhaps you should go sit down for a spell? It is a warm one today.”
“Jah. Um, maybe I will.” She was tired and her ankles were swollen, but, as she was discovering, this condition would be a part of her life until the baby arrived.
“All right.” Turning his head to include his children, Stephen said, “Don’t either of you tell your dawdi about him being here. It’s a blessing he wanted to go to town by himself today.”
“You want us to lie?” Monroe asked, sounding almost sarcastic.
“I want you to say nothing. If he happens to ask if anyone came over today, then you may answer. But until then, there’s no need for your grandfather to know. All it will do is make him upset.”
Monroe folded his arms across his chest. “We ought to talk about this, though. What we’re doing ain’t—”
“We don’t speak of this in front of the women, Monroe,” Stephen interrupted.
“All right, but it ain’t like they don’t know.”
“We won’t say a word, Daed,” Esther interjected before Monroe could protest again.
“Danke, child.” Stephen sighed again before turning toward the cellar. “Come with me now, son. We have work to do.”
Without a word, Monroe followed.
After the cellar door was closed, Sadie turned to her cousin. “Do you think your father really did forgive me?”
“Daed? Oh, sure. He wasn’t that upset.”
“Nee, he was.”
Esther’s eyes shone with amusement. “I suppose he was. But you saw how his temper blew over. That’s the gut thing about Daed, you see. He has a great bark, but his bite ain’t all that bad. And even when he does bite, it’s not all that painful.”
Sadie thought her cousin had a point. Yes, her uncle’s anger had scared her for a bit, but his concern for her had been confusing. She couldn’t recall either of her parents ever apologizing for any of their words or actions.
Part of her was thinking that maybe Stephen had been lying to her. That later tonight he would start yelling at her the minute her guard was down.
“I hope he doesn’t bring it up again.”
“He won’t. It’s forgotten now.”
Sadie doubted that. But she’d learned by now to keep much of her opinions to herself. They all had secrets, lots and lots of secrets, and she was constantly at a loss of what to do about that. The problem with a secret wasn’t that it was hidden, it was the fact that it was always there, lingering in the background of everything she said or did. Secrets did not change reality—they only made reality more difficult to deal with.
Crossing the yard to the laundry basket, Sadie said, “I’ll finish putting this up, and then take your father’s advice. I think I really do need to sit down for a while.”
“I think you should sit down now,” Esther said as she hurried over and pulled the basket her way. “You shouldn’t be lifting heavy wet things anyway.”
Unable to stop herself, Sadie said, “I’ve never met an Amish woman who wasn’t expected to do her share, baby or no baby on the way.”
Esther shrugged. “Maybe that’s right. But how about this? I’ve never met a woman—Amish or not—who wouldn’t accept a helping hand when it was offered.”
“You have a point there.” Feeling a twinge in her belly, she said, “When you put it that way, I’ll just say
thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Are you feeling bad? You look a little peaked.”
“I’m just tired.”
“Instead of going in the house, you should take that blanket off the line and go lie down in the shade.”
Just imagining how nice it would be to give both her back and her swollen ankles an hour’s break in the middle of the day sounded heavenly. “Are you sure no one will mind?”
“Of course not. You need to take care of yourself and the boppli, Sadie. That is what is most important.”
Overcome by exhaustion, she nodded. After grabbing a quilt from the line, she carried it to the edge of their property. Then, under the shade of a trio of apple trees, she stretched out. The grass was soft underneath the warm quilt, creating a welcome cushion. In the distance, she could hear squirrels chattering as they chased each other in the woods.
Lying on her back, she gazed up at the clouds, remembering when she was a young child and spent hours imagining figures and shapes in the puffy wisps of cotton overhead.
Oh, but she’d used to enjoy those stolen moments so much. She’d discovered if she concentrated on the clouds overhead, the feel of the breeze on her skin, and the faint scent of her mother’s rosebushes, she could ignore everything else.
And there had been so much that she’d wanted to ignore.
Staring up at the sky, Sadie tried to recreate those carefree moments. She watched the soft clouds drift above, tried to imagine them as shapes—and blocked out Harlan’s lies, her father’s anger, and her mother’s expertise in pretending that everything was always okay.
Tried to forget the tension in the air and the way Verba had cried out in alarm before she collapsed on the floor.
Attempted to ignore how Noah’s kindness had affected her.
Blocked out as best she could the many other disturbing thoughts that were running through her head.
Little by little, her body relaxed. She felt her eyes begin to close. And finally, allowing herself to drift off to sleep, she could feel that it was going to be very hard to find the will to wake up.
Chapter 6
Tuesday, July 10
Her Fear Page 4
