Quillian looked behind me and I followed his gaze, noticing Malachi deep asleep next to me.
"Storm...you're dead, remember?" Quil reminded.
"How can you say that when I'm right here?"
"That isn't you. It's your magic essence. The others already told me what you've been scheming."
"Scheming? I'm not doing anything." I blinked my eyes in a show of innocence, needing him to believe me. Why was he questioning me? He always believed me.
"I need you to stop what you're doing to Crimson,” he ordered, his voice hard and low.
"Doing to Crimson? What could I possibly be doing? She's taking you all away from me!" I sobbed, tears beginning to pool in my eyes.
Quillian paused, and I noticed a troubled expression break through the shield he tried to maintain.
"Storm...please,” he whispered.
"You said you would always love me, just like the others. Yet, I die...to protect you all...and this is my reward? You chose her over me! You'd rather love her than me?"
Quillian's eyes glistened, and he turned his gaze away. "Don't use that against me, Storm. You made the decision to protect us. The same way you gave us permission to move on and love Crimson. There are no take backs or second chances. Stop guilt tripping me in order to get what you want."
"You were my most loyal guard, yet you say I'm guilt tripping you. I bet you just don't want to admit the guilt you still feel. You still love me, Quil. Admit it."
I reached out to place my hand on his, but he tugged his away. "Go back to where you're supposed to be,” he whispered sadly.
"Quil-"
"Storm Yuna, I'll say this once,” he declared, lifting his angry gaze to meet my own. His once blue orbs now blazed a bright red with orange and gold streaks. "Stop what you're doing to Crimson. Stop toying with her emotions and making her feel like some fragile little girl."
"Or what, Quil?" I argued, biting my lip so hard it bled. He frowned at my move, but I grinned at the taste of blood.
"You should be careful about who you threaten. ‘Cause last time I checked, my essence is still inside her. You never know what I might do...maybe jump off a building...or burn this body of hers to a crisp," I snarled, even as I lifted my hand to brush his cheek.
He trembled at my words, which only brought more satisfaction. I leaned in to press my lips against his. He didn't respond, staying completely still like a statue, which just made me more upset and I pulled away.
"Quillian."
"Threaten to hurt Crimson one more time, Storm, and I'll make sure to search all of Homatomashi and exorcise every bit of essence that's left of you and trap you in a fucking stone,” he declared.
I was ready to respond when a hand landed on my shoulder from behind. "Kieru, Storm Yuna."
I widened my eyes, slowly looking over my shoulder to see Malachi's dark blue eyes, which glowed with magic. "Malach..." I trailed off as my control was broken, and just like that, darkness reclaimed me.
~QUILLIAN~
I quickly reached out to catch Crimson, who moaned quietly, still deep in sleep. Malachi sighed and sat up before helping me lower Crimson back against her pillow. Her tails relaxed on Malachi's side, lifting slightly for a moment before slowly settling into place as she continued to sleep like nothing had happened.
"This is getting dangerous," Malachi declared solemnly, reaching out to rub his thumb over Crimson's mouth. He closed his eyes and a small gold light formed against her lower lip. When it dimmed, the bite was healed, and the excess blood was gone.
"I don't think I can handle that again," I confessed, my voice trembling with anger. I tried my best to hide the fear I felt, but Malachi noticed as he studied me.
"You're still struggling."
"In terms of my love for Crimson? No. I'm...struggling with facing Storm."
"She's not real," Malachi insisted.
"You think I don't realize that, Malachi? My mind tells me she's not...yet...fuck. I just..." I trailed off, unable to explain how I felt.
"It's not like you still love Storm, but that part of you that vowed to always serve and do as she wanted lingers in you," Malachi elaborated.
"You know my kind is loyal to the end, Malachi....and that's where I'm struggling. I'm loyal to Crimson....but that part of me still hasn’t completely let go of my loyalty to Storm. I'm trying. I really am. But it's hard when I keep being tested by her...she knows that." I groaned in frustration as I ruffled my hair.
"She's been repeating all my intimate scenes with her in Crimson's dreams," I whispered.
"Nani? Why? What purpose would that serve?" Malachi questioned.
"Aki said the last time he was intimate with Crim, they talked about Storm’s murder. She was able to take control.”
"So she thinks if she makes Crim desperate enough for you, she'll get her moment to be intimate with you without Crimson noticing?" Malachi wondered.
"I don't fucking know, Malachi. I really don't!" I replied, deciding I needed to go out and smoke or something.
"I'm gonna get air."
"Don't tell me you're gonna go smoke."
I didn't reply, knowing I couldn't lie about that.
"You said you'd quit after Storm's death, Quil. Don't start again because of her."
"I'm freaking out, Malachi. Just one," I insisted, shuffling to the edge of the bed.
"Quil...is...cute."
I blushed and looked over my shoulder to see Crimson roll over to her left side, her tails curling around her as she smiled dreamily.
"I don't even wanna know what she's dreaming about. My sizzling self is hurt," Malachi said dramatically, and I shook my head.
"I'll be back," I whispered, getting up and heading for the door.
"Quillian."
I paused at the door to our room. "What, Malachi?"
"One leads to two. Two leads to four. Next thing you know, you’ll be hooked again. Just remember how long it took you to stop drinking excessively. Do you want Crimson to see that side of you?" Malachi tested.
I blinked my eyes, trying to stop the tears that begged to escape. "I'll be back," I repeated, opening the door and walking out into the hall. I closed it as quietly as I could before taking a trembling breath.
I won't panic. I'll just get some air...I will have just one cigarette...just one. It won't change me back to who I was....it won't.
I made my way to the balcony, praying that I'd be strong enough to keep that promise.
~CRIMSON~
"Crim?"
"Cute..."
"Crimson, baby. I need you to wake up."
Malachi's voice brought me out of my dream of cute men. It was essentially the guys looking all adorable, which made me want to pinch each of their cheeks, starting with Quillian's.
"Hmm?" I asked, lifting my head and looking over my shoulder. I saw Malachi sitting up with immense worry in his sky blue eyes. The look made my heart skip a beat, leaving me wondering if something was wrong.
"What's wrong?"
"I need you to go talk to Quillian,” he announced with a frown.
"Huh? Quillian?" I looked back at the empty space beside me where he had been. "Where did he go?"
"He's on the balcony," Malachi replied.
"Why are you worried about that?" I asked. "Is he just getting some air?"
"Storm visited again," Malachi revealed. I frowned and bit my lip, flinching at the pinch of pain I felt. Huh?
Malachi lifted his hand and ever so gently trailed his thumb over my bottom lip. It felt tender like I'd wounded it, but there was no physical mark.
"Storm's essence tested Quillian and threatened to hurt you. She made you bite your lip hard enough to bleed and I healed it, but it's still gonna be tender for a few more minutes," Malachi elaborated.
"She did what? Why?!" I exclaimed, sitting up. My ears twitched, and my tails began to puff up thanks to my anger.
"I'll explain in more detail later. Just go talk with Quillian. He...he has habits that he indulg
es in when he's stressed. I for one, don't want to see all the work he put into quitting those habits go down the drain because of Storm's essence," Malachi explained.
I nodded, ready to leave the room when Malachi stopped me. I gave him a look, unsure why he was delaying me. He sat up and grabbed his white shirt that was at the end of the bed. He placed it over my head, touching my ears slightly as he did so, which made me squeak.
"Hey," I whined, noticing his grin.
"Sorry,” he whispered as he helped me put the long shirt on. "Okay, you can go now."
"Don't want me walking around in my underwear," I huffed. "You know it's only our group in this whole section."
"Better safe than sorry. Only our group gets to see your naked beauty." He winked, and I blushed, shuffling to the edge of the bed before standing up.
"I'll bring him back," I reassured him.
"Please do."
"Um...and sorry for causing trouble," I whispered.
"Can't apologize for something you had no control over, Crimson," Malachi replied.
I looked over my shoulder to meet his reassuring gaze. "Go annoy Quillian for me." He winked, and I nodded before opening the door and walking out quietly.
Once the door was closed, I headed towards the balcony, running my hands through my hair. My ears twitched, picking up the soft sounds of the others breathing, which made me smile. At least the rest of the guys were fast asleep. I frowned when I picked up ragged breathing coming from down the hall.
My feet moved faster as I strode along the wooden floor and entered the living room. Making a sharp right turn, I headed for the balcony and saw Quillian's figure leaning against the balcony frame.
I approached the glass, noticing a cigarette in his trembling hand. He stared at it with such concentration he didn't even see my approach, which only filled me with dread.
Something told me he shouldn't be smoking, that it would only do more damage, rather than heal the anxiety I knew he was currently dealing with. I slowly opened the door, and he still didn't notice my presence, his normally pink eyes now a teal blue and filled with tears.
"I promised I wouldn't. I vowed on your grave I would be a better man...that the next woman I loved...wouldn't have to see that side of me. That dark part of me...but...am I going to fall back to that if my past keeps haunting me?" He choked, the tears that pooled in his eyes finally spilling down his cheeks. He looked away, still not seeing me. I walked up to him and took the cigarette out of his hand.
He turned his head to meet my gaze and looked a bit hesitant, as if he didn't know who I was. Or which person I was.
"You know, I smoked for a year," I revealed, twirling the cigarette in between my fingers like it was nothing. I walked back to the opposite side of the balcony, resting my back against the ledge as my tails wrapped around my waist. My Kitsune was awake and watching as we tried to avoid Quillian's gaze.
"It was about maybe a year after I moved out, between the ages of seventeen and eighteen. I thought if I smoked and drank, I'd be cool and make shifter friends. You know, finally feel accepted," I elaborated.
I lifted my other hand and snapped my fingers once, creating a small flame at my fingertips to help light the end of the cigarette.
"Crim-"
"It took me twelve months to realize that it didn't matter how much I smoked or drank. I would still never fit in because I was human," I continued, lifting the cigarette to my lips. I inhaled for a long time before I pulled it away, blowing out a stream of smoke while trying to ignore the awful taste in my mouth.
I looked back to Quillian who appeared stunned by my behavior. "But...why would you do that if you quit?"
I smiled. "It took me a whole year before I was able to turn it down if someone offered me one of these. A white stick that helped heal my anxiety temporarily, but also sometimes made me crazy when I couldn't get a new pack after finishing the last one."
I lifted my head to look at him. "It was an addiction, and I could see the changes in me. Sure, it helped keep me calm...until I ran out and I needed another," I explained, taking another puff of the cigarette and exhaling another stream of smoke.
"But you know what the real problem was?" I asked. He didn't answer, seeming unsure.
"Me. The problem wasn't the alcohol or this stick that has a bunch of pretty chemicals in it to help me ignore the problems in my life. The real issue was how I perceived the world around me. I used cigarettes to determine if I was happy or frightened. I used vodka to help me forget that my family didn't love me and that my boyfriend loved my body more than he loved the person inside. I used a substance to define my happiness. My downfall was not pointing to the main culprit...which was me."
I took a final puff and reached out to the little ashtray that was built into the pillar of the balcony. "Every balcony has one of these built in here. It doesn't matter where you go in Nokamato. There's always one because so many people here smoke. Whether it's to fit in or as a way to help solve our problems. An addiction we need to help us get by, even if most of us know how dangerous it is for our bodies. Alcohol is the same. And there are some people who use sex to help them cope. Others use money to fill the loneliness in their hearts."
I sighed and looked out at the nighttime view of Homatomashi beyond the palace walls. "Your worst enemy is yourself and until you acknowledge that, you'll be stuck in a cascade of uncertainty, fearing you'll skip and return to the person you once were. Now that I’ve smoked again, am I afraid I'll go back to being the lonely human girl who begged for love and a place to belong? A little bit," I confessed, blinking my eyes.
"But the bigger part of me, the stronger part of me, knows I won't. Even when times are hard or I doubt myself, I know that an object does not define me."
I moved forward till we were face to face, lifting my hand to brush against his tear-stained cheek. "I didn't know you then, but I want you to know that you shouldn't be ashamed of your past. It's what's crafted you into the strong and kind-hearted person you are, right to this very moment. Even though it may not feel that way to you, that's what I see. A strong, compassionate man who wants to protect the people he loves but is afraid he won't be enough. You are enough, Quillian Reid. You're enough for me...for the guys...for this country," I declared, allowing a tear to roll down my cheek.
"What Storm did was wrong. I'm sorry that you began to question your strength because of her. I know I wasn’t in control, but that doesn't mean I'm not contributing to such reactions you’re experiencing. Thank you...for fighting for me. Even though it hurt and rekindled dark memories," I whispered.
I let out a nervous laugh and lowered my hand. "I'd kiss you, but I don't want to remind you of those days. Let me go wa-"
He reached out and slid an arm around my waist, pulling me into him and claiming my lips with his. My eyes grew wide as our eyes locked. I watched in amazement as his shifted from blue to dark pink,with hints of gold and purple.
I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his waist while my tails unhooked themselves and began to move from side to side. We kissed and kissed, each moment feeling more amazing than the last, until we were both breathless.
"Quillian," I spoke quietly, unsure what else to say.
He smiled at me and breathed deeply. "I used cigarettes and alcohol to help me forget my failures. Whether it was failing Storm on a mission, or simply feeling like I wasn't good enough in comparison to the others. It was also a way to calm my anger, or so I thought. It kinda did the opposite, but I didn't realize it until I punched Malachi in the face for pointing out exactly what you just said."
"He woke me up and told me a bit of what happened while I was asleep," I admitted.
He grinned and nodded. "Ya. Malachi's the type who acts like he doesn't see everything that goes on when he really does. He uses humor, and people don't take him seriously because of it. But that's his way to see exactly what the problem is, whether in an individual or the group dynamic. I hated his guts for it, but when Storm died
...I...tried to drink my sorrow away and got so drunk that I could barely move. I had just enough strength to light a cigarette but knocked some whiskey over onto the table. He found me right before the cigarette in my mouth fell into the pool of whiskey. Well, I guess you can say I avoided getting some serious burns to my face thanks to him."
Quillian pulled me into a hug and rested his chin on my shoulder. "I'm not upset with either of you. I'm upset with myself and about how Storm's essence still thinks she has control over me and the others. I...I vowed to never disobey her. To always help her achieve her goals for the sake of peace."
He rubbed my back soothingly and took a few calming breaths before continuing. "So when I'm in a situation where I have to decline her, I freeze up. Not because of her essence. Not because of Storm herself, because I know she's dead. I know she's gone from this land. No, it’s because I hear it coming from you, Crimson. I opened my heart to try again...to try and love once more. It's just so difficult when I hear your voice...that pleading tone and those beautiful turquoise eyes staring into me, and I have to deny you because it's not really you. It's someone else who we now realize will do anything to get her way, without caring that such a thing would hurt all of us."
"I'm sorry. I make it difficult," I whispered.
"No, Crimson. You can't apologize for something you can't control. Any time you become weakened, she takes advantage of the opportunity. We just have to be smarter. Malachi told her to vanish and she pulled back, but maybe we should get you a temporary talisman. That should help," he suggested.
"Where would we get something like that?" I asked.
"We're going to the east village, the ones on the hillsides of Homatomashi. It's one of the places that has reported a decline in the human population, so I wanted to check it out and see what's going on. They should sell talismans there."
"Can I come?'
"Do you want to?"
"Yes. I want to help...and spend a bit more time with you," I admitted.
He smiled, pressing his forehead against mine. "Okay. We'll go together. It'll be a little date."
Calming the Storm (Crimson Storm Chronicles Book 2) Page 14
