by Lesley Crewe
She rolled her eyes and sat at the table. “I guess you don’t remember how much you suffered when she left.”
“Everyone keeps saying that. Well, maybe it was me. Did you ever think of that? I left that summer to work in the woods in New Brunswick.”
“Only because you were trying to save money for school like the rest of us. What was wrong with that? Everyone’s entitled to a summer job.”
“She begged me not to go, begged me to find something here. But I thought she was being her over-dramatic self and ignored it. It was hard for me too. I told her that.”
“Well, she didn’t wait too long after you left to start running around on you.”
He looked at her and blinked.
Colleen jumped up from the table. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you, but you have to face facts before you start up with her again. She’s nothing but trouble. I don’t want you being made a fool of twice.”
“You’re the second person lately who’s made that accusation. I want to know why I’ve never heard it before, if it’s true. No one said anything to me ten years ago. No one.”
“Because you were heartbroken,” Colleen said. “No one wanted to torture you, obviously. Why do you think Mom and Dad were upset with her? Have you ever asked yourself that question? Maybe because they had reason to be.”
“You’re lying.”
“Fine, I’m lying,” she sighed. “Never mind, it doesn’t matter anymore. Do what you want. You’re a big boy.” She busied herself with cutting up an onion. Just then Dave came home from work and the conversation was dropped.
Before he left for home, Colleen came up to him. “You’re right. What happened ten years ago doesn’t make any difference. You were a kid. So was she. I know you care enough about her to at least show up at her mother’s wake. We’ve been through it. We know how much it means. If you’d like me to go with you for moral support, I will. I swear I won’t say a word, other than to tell her how sorry I am for her loss. How’s that?”
He was still smarting from her earlier comments, but he knew he’d have a cooler head if his sister was with him. “Okay. If you wouldn’t mind, we’ll go tomorrow.”
He was awake for hours thinking about this new information. It rattled around in his head with no place to go. Libby slept around? She didn’t even sleep with him and they were in love. Why would she suddenly be with everyone else? It didn’t make sense. The rumours had to be wrong, no doubt started by jealous people. There were a lot of kids in school who used to give them a hard time because they were the golden couple. Not that they wanted to be. Or maybe she was so upset by his desertion, she went over the edge. He knew it was a possibility—she always was a highly emotional person. In the end, he had himself befuddled; he dropped it and turned on Jay Leno for a little mindless entertainment.
The next evening, he dropped the kids off with Dave when he picked up Colleen. They drove to Glace Bay in silence. They knew where they stood on the issue. There was no point rehashing it endlessly.
Just as Reg predicted, there was a long lineup of so-called mourners waiting to troop in the door of the funeral home.
“Oh God. Look at these people. Bastards.”
“Good lord,” Colleen tsked. “They aren’t all voyeurs. There are nine kids in that family and Mamie lived here her whole life. A lot of people know them.”
“Yeah, I guess so.” He quickly saw the sense of having Colleen beside him.
They joined the end of the queue and people rapidly came up behind them. One thing about long waits to offer condolences was that friends and neighbours who hadn’t seen each other for a while got caught up on their own news. Quietly, of course, but because there was a celebrity in the midst, there was a bit more chatter than usual.
Two women behind them obviously didn’t realize Seamus stood in front of them. They gossiped back and forth and it began to get under his skin. He glanced at Colleen and she made a face that meant “Ignore it.”
“I’m dying to see her up close. I wonder if she’s as beautiful in real life.”
“I’m sure not today, her mother just died.”
“True, poor dear. I remember her in high school. God, all I wanted to do was be her.”
“I know. The guys were crazy about her. It used to drive me nuts.” “It wasn’t just the boys.”
“What do you mean?”
“I saw the drama teacher kissing her once. He practically had her on his desk.”
“What?”
“Oh yeah. They broke apart in a hurry and she was pretty upset that I’d caught them, but at least I got an A in drama that term.”
She giggled but not for long. Seamus turned around.
“Are you quite finished?”
The two women froze, wishing for all the world they had the power to disappear.
“Oh God, Seamus. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean anything by that.”
“You make me sick.” He turned away but was aware when they took off like scalded cats and stood at the end of the line to avoid him.
Seamus and Colleen neared the room where Mamie’s coffin was on display. In true Cape Breton style, it was open, with small corsages lining the satin interior, to represent her grandchildren. Her children were lined up by the coffin in a line, standing oldest to youngest. Aunt Vi and Uncle Angus were at the front of the pack.
As he and Colleen inched closer, he noticed Libby peek over at him. He thought she looked awful, pale and worn out. He wanted to rush over and take her in his arms. She quickly looked away from him but every so often threw quick glances at him, measuring how soon he would be in front of her.
Her siblings saw him too and Rose switched spots and put Ava between herself and Maryette, as if to protect her from all sides. The only thing Seamus was aware of was the rushing sound in his ears as his heart beat out of his chest. It slowly occurred to him that a great many people were looking at him and he heard his name whispered over and over.
The bastards were waiting. They were waiting for him to go up to her, to see how they behaved, how the two old sweethearts reacted when their hands met. He’d been so worried about Libby that he never thought how his presence would create a dramatic little vignette for the whole town to see.
He grabbed Colleen’s arm and whispered, “I’m sorry. I can’t stay here.” He rushed out of the room.
People looked at each other when he left. Colleen was unsure whether to run after him or proceed, but the smirks on people’s faces and the “I told you so” looks made her stay put. She knew they were dying to get outside and tell everyone what happened when Seamus and Libby’s eyes met. Well, she wasn’t going to give them the satisfaction of seeing two O’Reillys run out of the room. She had to do her best to represent him.
It took all her willpower to remain calm. This was a girl who hurt her baby brother. Sometimes she forgot that he was now a man. When she thought of Seamus and Libby together, she saw them as the teenagers they were back then.
As Colleen got closer, she watched Libby accept the condolences of family and friends. She seemed incredibly fragile, as if she’d disappear if you so much as blew on her. Colleen was used to seeing her on a huge movie screen, where everyone was larger then life. A childhood nickname that Seamus told her about seemed very appropriate. She was like a fairy.
Libby’s big eyes watched her approach. Colleen shook Rose’s hand first. “I’m very sorry for your loss.”
Rose nodded, “Thank you.”
Colleen took one step closer and Libby was in front of her. She looked scared to death. “I’m sorry about your mother, Libby. I know what it’s like and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
Libby squeezed her hand and her bottom lip trembled. “Thank you, Colleen.”
It was that fast. Then it was on through the line. All the siblings were grateful for her appearance, appreciated the fact that she took the time to show up. They never mentioned Seamus leaving. At last she faced Aunt Vi. “So good of you to come, duck. It will mean the
world to our Libby. Did Seamus not come?”
“He was here, but he left.”
Aunt Vi nodded her head up and down. “God love ’im.” She leaned in closer. “It’s such a shame, Colleen. Such a shame. My heart bleeds for the both of them.”
Colleen wasn’t sure how she should respond, so she nodded politely. Then it was a quick glance at poor Mamie and she was free to go. She was dizzy with the effort she’d just made, not realizing how much it had taken out of her. As soon as she squeezed by the throngs of people still waiting to get in, she knew she had to head for the ladies room or she was going to be sick right there on the rug.
Colleen pushed on the bathroom door; thankfully no one was in either stall. She didn’t throw up so much as gag. It was too hot and sticky and her head ached. She needed some air. When the door opened and someone walked in, she flushed the toilet and grabbed more toilet paper to blot her face. She opened the stall door.
Libby was standing there.
They looked at each other for what seemed like an eternity. Everything was said, and yet no words were spoken. Colleen broke the trance by going to the sink and splashing water on her face. She pulled down the paper towels and patted it dry.
“I saw you come in here and I had to talk to you, if you don’t mind.”
Colleen wiped her hands and threw away the towel. “All right.”
“Why did he leave?”
“Why do you think?”
“I don’t know.”
“Libby, Seamus is a very private person. You’re a very public person. Maybe you’re used to having people look at you all day long, but this has been excruciating for him. Your presence alone conjures up so many old memories. How do you think he felt when he walked in that room and suddenly everyone’s eyes are on you two? All he wanted to do was tell you he was sorry about your mother, and look what happened. It became a freak show.”
Libby stood with her head lowered.
“Look,” Colleen sighed. “I don’t want to make you feel bad on today of all days, so why don’t we drop it? I assume you’ll go back home in a few days and this will be a bad memory. Let him get on with his life and you get on with yours.”
Libby lifted her head to meet Colleen’s sharp gaze. “Whatever you think, Colleen, it’s not as easy as you make out. This isn’t the first time I’ve seen him since I’ve been here.”
“I know about your meeting in Sobey’s. He told me.”
“Did he tell you about our meeting in the park, or at the mall, or what about the morning Sarah was sick?”
Colleen felt her insides knot. “No.”
“So you don’t know everything, do you? I think you should leave him alone and let him make up his own mind about whether he wants to see me or not.”
Colleen was flustered and she knew it. He hadn’t told her everything and that hurt. She knew she should walk out and not say another word, but the image of Seamus crying in his room when he knew Libby was gone forever was still a powerful memory. It was now or never.
“Listen here, Libby, I’ve been waiting ten years to say this to you. What you did to my brother was unforgivable. The minute his back was turned that summer, you were all over town with every other guy. I heard the rumours about the drinking and partying. Everyone thought you were this sweet little miss but you weren’t, were you? Why, just outside someone talked about the time she caught you kissing your drama teacher. That goes to show what kind of woman you really are.”
Libby started to shake. “That teacher…that man attacked me. He came after me. He was always after me. I could never get away from him.”
“Why should I believe you? You’ve hurt Seamus once, but by God, you’re not going to hurt him again. Not if I have anything to say about it.”
Libby backed up against the wall of the restroom. Colleen thought she was going to fall, so she reached out to steady her.
“DON’T!” Libby shouted. “Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me.” Her hands slipped on the walls behind her. “You don’t know everything. Everyone thinks they know everything, but you don’t know anything. Nothing, do you hear me? Nothing!”
Colleen was shocked. Libby was out of control and she didn’t know what to do. Just then a woman with black spiky hair came in. “Rose sent me to look for you. My god. What’s wrong?” The woman turned and shouted at Colleen. “What did you do to her?”
“I didn’t do anything…”
“Get out of here, you stupid bitch, and leave her alone.”
The woman reached for Libby and caught her before she hit the floor. Colleen turned and ran out of the bathroom. People looked at her as she pushed them out of the way in her haste to escape. A few called after her, “Colleen, are you all right?”
She ran as fast as she could back to the car and tore the door open. Seamus was waiting. “Drive. Drive as fast as you can.”
“What’s wrong? What’s happened?”
Colleen put her face in her hands. “Stop asking me! Just get me out of here.”
He drove her away.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
He’d picked her up after drama class, just happened to be in the parking lot when she and her friend Terri were walking home from school.
“Want a lift, girls?”
“No, that’s okay,” she said.
Terri ran over. “Sure. I’m sick of walking.”
He opened the front door of the truck and Terri sat next to him. Reluctant to get in but feeling she had no choice, Libby took the seat by the window. They chatted about school and how well the play had been received two nights before. He smiled, “School’s pretty much over for another year. Hard to believe.”
Libby assumed since she was next to the door, he’d drop her off first, but he didn’t. He made some excuse about having to go to the store and if he was going that way anyway, he might as well drop Terri off first. So he did. She was going to get out with her friend but Terri scrambled over her when he said, “Can I talk to you for a second, Libby?”
“See ya tomorrow, Lib.” Her friend waved goodbye.
“I should go home. Ma will be worried.”
“Nonsense. It’s a nice day. Let’s go for a drive.”
They didn’t talk after that. Not until she realized he was driving out of town.
“Where are we going?”
“A nice little place I know.”
“But I have to get home.”
“You will get home. I’ll drive you back myself.”
“I have to meet Seamus after.”
“I’ll make sure you do. Relax. It’s just a drive.”
She remembered she looked out the window and saw a dog by the side of the road. He was out for a walk, she supposed. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry. She remembered wishing she was that dog.
They drove all the way out to Marion Bridge and further still. “I think this is far enough.”
“We’re almost there.”
He pulled into an old country road that got narrower as they went on. The truck bounced in the ruts. They came up to a small, run-down house. “Who lives here?”
“It belongs to a friend. He won’t mind if we use it.” He turned off the engine.
Her heart started to race. “What are we using it for?”
That’s when he grabbed her arm and jerked her over and out the driver’s side door.
“Please! What are you doing?”
“Don’t talk.”
He yanked her behind him, up the steps. She dragged her feet and grasped one of the porch rails. She pulled against him with all her might but he snatched her around the waist and picked her up like a feather.
“Let me go! You can’t do this. Why are you doing this?”
He hauled her in the door and locked it behind him. Then he dragged her through the house and into one of the bedrooms, where he threw her on the bed.
“Please. Don’t hurt me.”
“I’m not going to hurt you. I’m going to love you.”
“Seamus! Help
me!” she screamed.
He reached across the bed and slapped her face. “I am so fucking sick of hearing about your fucking Seamus!”
He pulled her hair and brought her face close to his. “You little slut. I’m gonna show you how a real man does it.” He grabbed the back of her neck and covered her mouth with his own. He kept it there even as he ripped off her skirt and tore off her panties. He pushed her back on the bed.
She screamed and screamed until he punched her. That’s when she stayed quiet.
She retreated to a small brown stain on the ceiling. She kept her eyes on that stain until he turned her over. Then she stared at the crack in the wall. As long as she kept her eyes on it she was in a small safe place. So small she couldn’t see it. But if she were to lose sight of it, all would be lost.
She remembered being driven back to town in the dark and keeping her eyes on the windshield wipers swishing back and forth. He acted like nothing happened, as if she’d imagined the whole thing. She began to think maybe she had. It was her imagination. Lots of things were. That was it, it never happened.
But then he had to go and ruin it. He stopped three streets from where she lived. He never touched her. Instead he smiled at her. “If you ever say anything about this, I’ll tell Seamus. I’ll tell him everything we did, and I’ll tell him you loved it. Do you understand me?”
She nodded.
She opened the door and got out. He drove off. She walked home in the dark. She walked and walked and it was still dark, so she walked some more and it was still dark. Why was it dark, she wondered? Stop being dark. Stop the dark.
“STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT.”
“Libby, Libby, darlin’, it’s okay, it’s okay. You’re safe.”
Ava’s eyelids were so heavy she couldn’t open them, but she thought she heard Aunt Vi’s voice. Then she heard someone say, “She’s coming round.”
The light hurt her eyes. She squinted and nothing was in focus. She blinked and saw a few faces swimming in front of her. She picked out Lola’s face. That was Lola.
“Hi.”
Lola looked frightened. “Oh sweetheart, I’m glad you’re awake.”
