by Lesley Crewe
“Yep.”
“Wonderful,” Lola smiled. “I can’t wait.”
Applause alerted them to the fact that Hayden Judd was being introduced.
“Oh hush, here he is.” Ava turned up the volume.
“He looks fatter on television,” Aunt Vi observed. “He’s still cute though.”
They listened to the dreary pablum of movie promotion, where the actor grins and answers stupid questions with stupid answers. Then they cut away for a film clip and cut back to show that the hosts and guest were so cool that they didn’t watch the clip because they were too busy chatting amongst themselves.
Regis just finished thanking Hayden for being there, when suddenly Hayden turned to the camera. “Before I go, I want to say a big hello to someone near and dear to my heart. Hi Aunt Vi!” He waved into the camera.
Aunt Vi’s mouth dropped open. Ava and Lola laughed with delight.
“Land sakes! How did he know we was watching?”
“Cause I talked to him a couple of days ago. I said you’d get a kick out of it.”
Aunt Vi put her hands up to her cheeks. “Lord love a duck. I can’t believe it. Wait till Club hears about this.”
The phone rang.
“I think they already know.” Ava grinned.
The phone didn’t stop ringing all morning. Aunt Vi was a celebrity for a day, a mantle she wore proudly.
Ava and Lola took special pains to look well groomed the next night, so as not to shame the woman they loved best. They played hostess and passed around double-decker egg and Cheez Whiz sandwiches. Lola went back to the pantry for more while Ava assembled the china teacups and saucers on the dining room table. She went into the kitchen to make sure the water was boiling.
“Are there any more sandwiches in the fridge?”
There was no answer. Ava was sure Lola was in the pantry. She walked in and Lola quickly turned around to hide the platter. She couldn’t hide the fact that she had a wad of sandwich in her cheek.
“Hey, stop eating those.” Ava grabbed the plate from her.
Lola started to chew furiously. “I can’t help it,” she mumbled. “These are like the most divine sandwiches I ever ate. Why can’t they serve stuff like this at award shows?”
“Because people would get fat and Hollywood would crumble into decay because of it.”
“Gimme another one.”
Ava pulled the tray out of Lola’s reach. “They’re for Club.”
“I’m in Club. I’m an honorary Club member, for your information. Aunt Vi said so.”
Ava passed her the plate. “Well then, go to town.”
Once their business was done and the lunch was devoured, the Club members felt free to sit around for a while. They obviously wanted to talk to Ava. Especially Thelma and Geranium.
“So. What’s that there fella like in real life?” Geranium asked.
“What fella?”
“The fruity one with the scarf.”
“He’s delightful. As a matter of fact, I’m thinking of inviting him for a few days.”
“Do you think he’d come?”
“You never know.”
“Oh my.” Geranium tugged at the collar of her blouse. “He blew me a kiss you know. I thought that was kind.”
“You’d think it was kind if he coughed in your direction,” Thelma sniffed.
“Did he blow you a kiss, Thelma Steele?”
“Of course not. I don’t sit in my living room window all day with binoculars like some I could mention.”
“I’m an avid bird watcher, I’ll have you know.”
“The only birds you’re watching, honey, belong to the milkman and the mailman.”
“Well, I never!”
“No. That’s your trouble, dear. Maybe you should.”
Lola and Ava quietly got up at the same time and walked out the living room door. Then they bolted up the stairs and threw themselves on their beds, trying to stifle their laughter by covering their faces with pillows. When they finally looked at each other, they were hot and sweaty.
“You know what?” Lola gasped. “Being in this house is better than having sex.”
“Maybe you should tell Geranium. Might make her feel better.”
That started them off again.
Finally it was time to go a little further a field. The doctor, besides suggesting rest and nourishment, told Ava she should get a little exercise. Nothing like her trainer’s idea of exercise, but out for a walk every day and maybe some yoga.
Ava and Lola would set their alarm for six a.m. and take a walk before breakfast, when there weren’t a lot of people around so they could keep up a steady pace and not be interrupted by well-meaning fans. It was pretty slow going at first and they didn’t go far, but after a while, they’d walk down Water Street and head for South Street and then walk all the way to the Glace Bay General Hospital and back.
It was on one of their outings that Ava spied a puppy. He was a friendly little thing.
“Look at this little guy. He looks like a teddy bear. You don’t think he’s lost, do you?”
Lola shrugged. “He doesn’t look like he’s starving to death, but then again, he’s pretty young to be away from his mother.”
Ava reached down and picked him up. He licked her face all over. “Oh, you are so sweet. What should we do?”
“Maybe we should ask a few people around here if anyone has lost a puppy?”
They went to a few doors in the neighbourhood and knocked. One woman nearly fainted upon finding Ava Harris on her doorstep. She managed a scream and her family ran down and crowded behind her. She stood in the front porch and jumped up and down.
“Am I on Oprah? Is this Oprah’s ‘Dream Come True’ show?” She looked behind them for the cameras.
“No. I want to know if this little puppy belongs to you.”
“No,” she frowned. “That mutt’s been hangin’ around for the last few days. Once you start feedin’ them, you never get rid of them.”
Ava frowned. “Never mind.” She and Lola hurried down the stairs. The woman shouted. “Are you sure you’re not with Oprah?”
They walked down the street and thought better of asking anyone else. The puppy squirmed to get down. Ava put him on the sidewalk. “I don’t want to leave him here. What if it rains?”
The puppy bounced into the grass and then stood with a stunned look on its face. “Oh look, Lola. He’s peeing.”
“Dogs do that, you great dope.”
Ava walked towards him and the puppy ran to her. Then she walked ahead of him and he trotted happily behind her. “Let’s see how far he comes.”
He followed them all the way up to Blackett Street.
“Okay, that’s it. He’s mine.” She reached down and picked him up.
“You, little guy, are coming home with me.”
“What if he belongs to someone?”
“I’ll put an ad in the paper. If no one answers, problem solved.”
She kissed his face and he licked her back.
“What are you going to call him?”
“Teddy Bear.”
Ava and Lola got all sorts of exercise after that. No one called about the dog, so they took him to the vet, spending a fortune on needles, shampoo, doggy treats, and chew toys. He was outfitted first with a flea collar, then with a nice red collar with rhinestones and a leash to match.
Uncle Angus shook his head when they returned. “A collar with diamonds on it?”
“They aren’t real,” Ava laughed. “He’s going to be a Hollywood dog, so he better get used to it.”
They took a big tub out in the yard and gave him a soapy bath. The house cats and Uncle Angus’s mutt, whose name was Dog, sat back and watched the procedure. Teddy Bear looked mortified. Just to punish his new mother, he wiggled out of her soapy arms and headed right for the pile of fish bait Johnnie had stacked in the yard.
Once he came out of his second bath, they dried him with fluffy towels and finished him off w
ith a hair dryer. Aunt Vi took to laughing when they came in with him.
“Lord save us. He looks like a dandelion fluff.”
“Isn’t he beautiful?”
“He’s somethin’ all right.”
So Teddy Bear became a regular on their morning walks too. Ava would take a plastic grocery bag with her, to clean up his poop. One day they headed in the other direction, down Brookside Street. There were a bunch of ragtag kids hanging around their porch in bathing suits, their front door wide open to the street, no doubt because they didn’t have an air conditioner.
“Maybe we should take them home and give them a bath too,” Lola whispered.
They nodded to the kids and kept going. A boy of around eight said, “That your dog?”
“Yes.”
“I gotta dog.”
“That’s nice.” Ava pulled on Teddy’s leash a little to make him come faster. But naturally Teddy decided to do his business right in front of the kid’s door. The boy’s dog came out and, not to be outdone, did the same thing.
Ava rolled her eyes. “Wonderful.”
She reached down with her hand in the plastic bag and scooped up both poops, just to be polite. She couldn’t very well take one and leave the other. She turned the bag inside out and tied a knot in it.
The kid looked at her in horror. He ran back onto his porch and yelled in the door. “Ma! Ma! Come here. Some lady’s pickin’ up Lucky’s shit.”
A shrill voice came from inside. “What the Christ are you talkin’ about? Where’s she at?” A woman with great sagging boobs and a stomach to match marched out of the house. As soon as she spoke, they saw she had no teeth.
“What the frig do you think you’re doin’ lady? Don’t ya got enough shit of your own? Are ya that hard up ya gotta take our dog’s shit?”
Ava backed up and so did Lola. “I thought I was doing you a favour, that’s all.”
“By picking up stinkin’ dog shit? How were you brought up, girl? Now get the jesus outta here before I call the cops. No good useless tramp.”
Lola looked at Ava. “Let’s run, ya no good useless tramp.”
They turned around and booted up Brookside Street as fast as they could. The woman was still mouthing off. And then Lucky ran after them, as if to chase them down and demand his poop back. Lola grabbed the bag out of Ava’s hand and threw it at him. “Here ya go.” And didn’t the stupid dog pick it and take it home. Needless to say, they never went up Brookside Street again.
The next day Ava insisted on taking Lola out for a drive. “I need to show you another side of Glace Bay and Sydney. Believe it or not, not everyone calls you a no-good useless tramp when you’re walking down the street.”
She showed her some of the beautiful old homes that made up the landscape, the grand churches, the stores and the parks. Lola was suitably impressed, but by the end of the day she said, “Can’t we go home to Aunt Vi’s kitchen? That’s the best place of all.”
Very early one morning, Ava’s cell phone rang. She fumbled for it on the bedside table.
“Mmm. Yeah, hello?” All she heard was a very loud party going on. “Hello?”
“Darling. How’s my girl?”
“Maurice?”
“The very same.”
“Where are you?”
“Getting smashed at a party, darling. What else?”
“What time is it?”
“It’s only midnight. I just got here.”
“Oh.” She yawned.
“Don’t you remember midnight, precious? Or are you totally indoctrinated to a healthier way of life?”
“I go to bed around nine.”
“In the morning? I am impressed.”
“At night, you doofus.”
“Oh my god. We have to do something about that. Listen, Harold and I thought we’d like to come see you for a few days. I’ve been missing you terribly and we have a window of opportunity between a celebrity wedding and some stupid awards show. Actors really feel the need to congratulate themselves a lot, don’t you find?”
“Uh huh.”
“Fine. Go back to bed then. Hopefully, I’ll be doing the same in an hour or so. There really is the most delicious specimen at two o’clock but don’t tell Harold.”
“My lips are sealed. Come when you want. You know where to find us.”
“Could you ask Aunt Vi to make more of those heavenly lobster rolls?”
“I have a better idea. It’ll be a surprise.”
“Ciao, meow. Love you.” He hung up before she could say anything. She folded the phone and shoved it back on the table, then burrowed into the blankets, but not before a very sleepy Lola grunted, “Who was that?”
“Maurice. He’s trying to get laid at a party.”
“That’s the only reason I go to parties.”
“Go back to sleep.”
Their friends arrived one very hot morning in late July. Ava and Lola had plans to go to the beach that day. They sat on the porch swing convincing themselves they should get up and put on their bathing suits.
When the limo pulled up, Maurice and Harold stepped out looking every bit like royalty. Ava and Lola jumped up and ran through the kitchen. “Aunt Vi, the queens have arrived!” Lola shouted.
Ava reached them first. There was a grand reunion, with kisses and hugs a plenty. The driver put their luggage beside the driveway. Uncle Angus hurried out of the house, eyeing the bags. “How long are ya stayin’? A year?”
“Uncle Angus! It’s delightful to see you again.” Maurice kissed him on both cheeks. Ava looked over in Geranium’s window. She clutched her chest.
Uncle Angus wiped his cheeks. “Well now, ya best come in. How are you, Harriet?”
“Harold.”
“Sorry.”
There was a grand reunion with Aunt Vi. They made her sit down and open up at least a dozen presents, everything from a perfume atomizer to a fancy heating pad for her sore ankle. She was thrilled to say the least. They didn’t forget Uncle Angus either. Maurice gave a bit of a presentation before they revealed his gift.
“Now,” Maurice said, “Ava tells me that during hunting season you have to wear orange so you don’t get killed by beastly hunters when you’re out in the woods. Well, Harold,” he paused to blow him a kiss, “found this wonderful vest in Prada that you can wear when you go out for a walk.” He opened a box and shook it out like a bull fighter. “Ta da!”
They gazed at Uncle Angus’s new vest. It was a beautiful shade of burnt umber and looked super expensive. The workmanship was impeccable. Everyone clapped and made appreciative noises. Uncle Angus tried it on and it fit perfectly. He thanked them very much and only after Maurice and Harold were busy talking to Aunt Vi, did he sidle up to Ava. “When ya get a minute, maybe you could rip off the feather collar. I’ll look like a duck and be shot for sure.”
Aunt Vi told them under no circumstances were they to book a hotel. There was plenty of room. Ava and Lola glanced at each other.
“The girls can sleep on the hide-a-bed in the living room and we’ll put you upstairs in their room,” Aunt Vi smiled. “I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Maurice clapped his hands. “What an adventure, Harold! This is better then our trek along the Great Wall of China.”
“Indeed,” Harold said soberly.
“I don’t suppose there are any lobster rolls going, are there, Aunt Vi?” “We’ve got a special treat for you, darlin’. Just hold your horses.”
The rest of that morning and afternoon were spent fixing all the rooms, changing bed sheets, and doling out towels. Ava and Lola threw their suitcases under the window at the end of the upstairs hall. They only wore their threadbare nighties and bathing suits anyway.
Just before supper, Aunt Vi and the girls got the table ready. They pulled out the two extensions and laid a plastic sheet over the top. The table, which they layered with newspaper, took up most of the kitchen. A couple of rolls of paper towels stood at the ready and boxes lined with garbage ba
gs were positioned on the floor at each corner of the table. A load of knives and even a hammer and a couple of pairs of pliers were thrown on the newspaper.
Harold whispered to Maurice. “Maybe they’re planning to kill us.”
“I think we’re ready,” Uncle Angus declared.
“For what?” Harold asked.
“Go outside and see for yourself.”
Everyone trooped out to the yard. Johnnie and Lauchie were in the doorway of the garage with a huge pot of boiling water.
“How’s she goin’, b’y?” Johnnie nodded at them.
Maurice and Harold returned with a polite, “How do you do.”
“What is all this?” Maurice asked.
Lauchie took the cigarette out of his mouth. “This here’s what you call a lobster boil.”
Maurice clapped his hands. “Oh my!”
“Ever seen a live lobster, me son?” Johnnie smirked.
“I thought they came out of a can,” Harold said.
Johnnie and Lauchie smirked at each other. “No way, b’y. This here’s a lobster.” He opened up the huge plastic container he took from the wharf. Dozens of green lobsters squirmed inside.
Harold screamed and jumped into Maurice’s arms.
“There’s nothing to be afraid of, Harriet. These here ain’t gonna hurt ya.” Uncle Angus reached out and grabbed one. “Its claws got bands on them.” He put the crustacean on the ground and it wiggled around.
Harold got down and pointed. “Look. Its antlers are moving.”
That’s when Ava thought Lauchie and Johnnie were going to die laughing. “They’re called antennae,” Ava informed him.
Harold was still distressed. “How come you don’t have pretty red ones? The ones I’ve seen with an entree are red.”
Lauchie picked up the lobster and removed the bands. “Ya want red lobsters, you got it.” He took the lobster and threw it in the boiling water.
Harold put his hands over his face. “Oh, I can’t watch. How barbaric.”
Maurice patted his back. “Think of it as an adventure, Harold. We’re in the wilds of Nova Scotia. We’re practically living off the land. It’s so exciting.”
“If you say so.”
While the fellas cooked up a mess of lobsters, everyone else went inside and put the rest of the food on the table—big baskets of home–made rolls, bowls of melted butter, potato salad and jars of mayonnaise. There was also a big cooler filled with ice and beer.
