by Lesley Crewe
The person who did get through to him was Dave. He dropped by one Saturday afternoon and brought the kids with him. The cousins were delighted to see each other. Seamus felt like a heel when he saw their faces light up.
Dave accepted a beer and the two men sat out on the deck and talked about work, baseball, the usual guy stuff. But there was an uncomfortable atmosphere and Seamus couldn’t stand it.
“Say what you’ve come to say and get it over with.”
Dave finished off his beer and put it beside his deck chair. “How long have we known each other?”
“Since elementary school.”
“How often have I interfered with anything that’s gone on with your family, since I started going with Colleen?”
“Never.”
Dave nodded. “And it hasn’t been easy. You guys had a lot of problems. Alcoholism can destroy families. I think the only reason you and Colleen are as sane as you are is because of your mother.”
Seamus hung his head. “That’s true.”
“Colleen is very much like your mother. She’s got a big heart and she tries to protect the ones she loves. It’s not easy for her. She misses her mom. You’re the only family she has, because we both know your dad is not someone she can count on.”
Seamus peeled the label off his beer bottle while he listened. He didn’t want to look up and see Dave’s face.
“I’ve spent the last week listening to the woman I love cry her heart out over you, and I’ve come to tell you that it’s not right, and it isn’t fair. She’s the only reason you were able to take care of these kids. In those early days after Sally died, she was the one who took them under her wing. You and Sally’s parents were destroyed at the time. But she took Jack and that little baby girl and loved them as her own.”
Seamus stopped peeling.
“I want you to go and tell your sister that you love her and appreciate what she’s done for you. And accept her apology, because she feels very badly about what happened to Libby. Very badly.”
Seamus looked up. “You’re right. I’ve been a shit.” He rose from his chair. “Thanks, Dave. You’ve been a good friend to us.” He held out his hand and Dave shook it.
“Go to her now. I’ll watch the kids. That’s why I’m here.”
Seamus got in his car and drove the ten minutes to Colleen’s house. She looked out the window and ran down the porch steps. He got out of the car and she jumped in his arms. They never said a word. They didn’t have to.
And while he was glad to have the spat with Colleen over with, if the truth be told, it didn’t relieve the misery he felt when he thought of Libby. He worried about her health, her mental and physical health. She wasn’t a strong person. He spent that July remembering their times together when they were kids, happy and carefree. One night he thought about the day he first saw her. He loved to skate, and was anxious to get on the ice with his friends. They went as a large group in case the Glace Bay boys gave them a hard time, as often happened between the two communities. There’d been animosity for years—his old man would regale him with stories of the fights, seeming to relish the telling. Seamus was never impressed. He thought it was juvenile.
When he walked in the rink he didn’t see her at first, and didn’t know what made him glance over as he passed her. Not only his heart stopped, his feet stopped as well, and he remembered being mortified that his friends made fun of him. But the only thing that really stood out at that moment was her. She was slender and dainty, with perfect features. He remembered the colour pink. Her blonde hair was held up by a pink ribbon and her cheeks and lips were soft pink as well. She had on a pink sweater and white jeans.
And then suddenly he was pushed forward by his stupid friends and he had to pretend it didn’t matter that she was the most perfect creature he’d ever laid eyes on. When she turned and started to walk away, his heart was in his mouth. He thought she was leaving, but thankfully she soon returned to the ice. From that point on, their meeting was inevitable because he promised himself he wasn’t leaving without speaking to her.
When she reached up and kissed him that first time, it was like a dream. He was sure he had imagined it. But when her cold sweet breath mingled with his own, he knew he’d never be the same again. They skated together all afternoon and made plans to meet later that night. Before his friends could drag him away, he caught her by the hand and took her into the corridor behind the team bench. They kissed each other over and over. He couldn’t get enough of her. She was the one who finally put a stop to it by placing her index finger on his lips.
“No more.”
“Just one more.”
She shook her head. Then she kissed her finger and put it back against his lips. “Sometimes when you wait, kisses are sweeter.”
“Nothing could be as sweet as this.”
She laughed and slipped out of his grasp, then out of his hands and disappeared. He sagged against the wall. He was afraid he imagined her. When he went home for supper that night, his mother took one look at him and smiled. “Is she pretty?”
He had only the strength to nod.
The trouble with remembering her, however, was that it took a lot out of him. He finally figured out by week two that he wasn’t doing himself any favours. Once again his buddy Roger seemed to sense the dilemma. They were on patrol together that day.
“You know what your problem is, don’t you?”
“What’s that?”
“You need a little ‘forget all about her’ sex.”
“And what is that, oh wise one?”
“It’s pretty self-explanatory. You go on a date with a nice woman and have your way with her. You’ll feel better. Trust me.”
“I think you’re right. I’m starting to look at the lingerie section in the Sears catalogue.”
“Surely to God you’ve got reading material a little more imaginative than that?”
“Nah. Jack might find it.”
“He’s only five. How’s he going to get at it on the top shelf of your closet?”
“Is that where you keep yours?”
“Partly.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“I’d do more then think about it. Listen, Julie has a friend who has the hots for you. I told Julie the only reason this woman hangs around with her is to eventually get close to you, so let’s do her a favour and put her out of her misery. The four of us can go to dinner and you can see how it goes.”
“I’m not sure…”
“She’s not a dog, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m your friend; I’d never hang you out to dry.”
“You let the bride of Frankenstein drag me away.”
“That was a mistake that will never be repeated.”
“Okay, I guess.”
“Down, boy, your enthusiasm is getting the better of you.”
“Sorry.”
“She’s got a nice rack.”
“That’s something to look forward to.”
Roger shook his head in despair.
Colleen was thrilled to take the kids for the night. She didn’t even ask why he was going out, and because she didn’t, he told her he had a blind date. She tried to keep the smile off her face. He told her not to get her hopes up.
Seamus showered, shaved and dressed with as much enthusiasm as someone going to the gallows. He never even looked at himself in the mirror. He drove to Roger’s for the meet up. Roger lived in a nice bungalow in Sydney. His kids’ playthings were sprawled over the lawn, giving it the air of a happy home. It must be nice to have a wife and kids and be normal, Seamus thought as he pulled into the driveway. Seamus had that for just long enough to know that he missed it.
He walked into the kitchen, able to tell right away that Julie was as nervous as her friend. From the looks of it, they’d had a couple of glasses of wine already.
Roger got to him first. “Hey buddy.”
“Hey.”
Julie came over and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “Hi, Seamu
s. I’m glad you’re here. I’d like you to meet my friend Jennifer.”
He reached out his hand and shook hers. “Hi Jennifer. Nice to meet you.”
“And you.” She smiled at him. Roger was right; she was very pretty and nicely dressed. And she did have a great body.
“Like a drink before we go?” Roger asked him. “Since we’re driving, you and I have to stick with the boring stuff.”
“How often do I get to have a glass of wine?” Julie said. “It’s our turn tonight, isn’t it, Jen?”
Jen smiled and took another sip.
“I’ll have a Coke,” Seamus said.
“One Coke, coming up.”
They sat out on the back deck, since it was too hot in the house. It was very pleasant. Jennifer didn’t talk too much or too little. She asked him all the right questions. He started to relax a little. He returned the favour and inquired about her situation. She told him she worked in a law firm and had a young son. She was divorced—had been for a couple of years.
The time came for them to go out to eat and they decided to go to Huang’s for Chinese food. It was an enjoyable evening together and they had a lot of laughs. They talked about their kids and he and Roger regaled the girls with some of the antics that went on at the station.
Seamus thought Jennifer was a nice person. It was pleasant to be around a woman who was friendly and interesting. He surprised himself when he asked if she’d like a drive home. Roger and Julie beamed like happy parents. “Knock it off,” Seamus growled when Jennifer went in the house to get her sweater. Julie and Jennifer kissed each other goodbye and had a small giggle together.
They got in his car and waved goodbye to the matchmakers. Seamus drove down the street.
“They’re great, aren’t they?” she commented.
“They are. Roger’s been a good friend for a lot of years.”
“Did you go to the Police Academy together?”
“Yes, over in P.E.I. We didn’t know each other growing up. You’d think New Waterford and Sydney were in separate provinces.”
She laughed.
“Would you like to go for a cup of coffee, or do you have to get home?”
“My son’s staying at my mother’s tonight, so I’m in no hurry.”
At the coffee shop, they sat together and talked about a lot of things. He found her easy to be with and ended up telling her more than perhaps he should have. He talked about Sally and how he missed her and how difficult it was to bring up the children without their mother. She made all the right sympathetic noises.
“I’m not sure if Roger told you,” Jennifer said, “but I’ve wanted to meet you for a long time. Being a friend of Julie’s, I’ve heard about you and knew you to see you on the street. I was heartsick when I heard about your wife. I’m glad you feel good enough to start dating again. Maybe you’ll be able to move forward now.”
He nodded and looked at his hands.
She reached over and covered one of his with her own. “I understand this can’t be easy, but I want you to know that I like you very much and if you think you’re ready to be with someone again, I’d be happy if it was me.”
He cleared his throat before he spoke. “You’re sweet. I’m not certain if I’m ready or not. That’s probably the reason why I’ve stayed away from women.”
She gave his hand a squeeze. “Well, why don’t we find out?”
He looked at her then. She smiled.
“Okay.”
He drove her to his house and they went inside. He wasn’t sure what to do next, but she seemed to know exactly what she was doing. She took his hand and led him to bedroom, closing the door behind him.
“You don’t have to say anything,” she said. “We’ll go as slow as you want.”
He nodded.
She reached out with her arms and touched his chest through his shirt. She left her hands there for a few moments before she came closer and put them around his waist. She spread her palms across his back and brought her face close to his. She kissed him softly, once, twice, three times, before he kissed her back.
As soon as he did, she pulled him to the bed and made him sit down on the edge of it. “Stay very still,” she said.
He swallowed. He stopped thinking with his mind and started to listen to his body. She stood in front of him and did a slow strip tease. She somehow knew this was best. She didn’t touch him, didn’t demand anything from him, just slowly took off her clothes only inches away from him.
When he reached out and pulled her down onto the bed with him, he wasn’t frightened anymore. She helped him remove his clothes and when their bodies came together, the touch of skin on skin was one he remembered. It did feel nice to hold a woman in his arms again. She smelled good. That was something he missed the most—the scent of a woman, how her hair and her skin and her lips all seemed to have their own perfect perfume.
But as soon as he started to make love to her, his neglected body betrayed him and it was over much too soon. Seamus was embarrassed. She told him to hush, that it was only natural. He was reassured by her quiet manner. She talked to him in the dark and after a while she reached for him again. This time he was able to make her feel good—his own small victory.
They fell asleep then, but some time a few hours later, Seamus woke up. He wasn’t sure where he was at first—he felt a body beside him and for one delirious moment he thought it was Libby. But because he thought of her and not his wife, he felt he betrayed Sally. Here he was in their bed, making love to a stranger, yet dreaming of his first sweetheart.
He groped on the floor for his jeans, put them on and walked out of the bedroom. Closing the door behind him so as not to wake Jennifer, he walked into the living room, where the moonlight over the still water of the bay cast a dreamy glow. He thought how beautiful it looked. A night for lovers.
Seamus sat on the couch and tears came unbidden. As much as his body had released its energy, so now did his heart. He thought of the women in his life, the wasted years, the happy years, the unbearable sad years. It was too much.
He was gradually aware that he wasn’t alone. Jennifer stood in the doorway with a sheet around her. He turned to her.
“I’m sorry.”
She looked sad. “I understand. I wish it was different, but I understand. I can’t compete with a memory.”
He didn’t correct her.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
One morning in early August, Lola got a phone call. She took it upstairs. When she didn’t come back downstairs after forty minutes, Ava crept up the steps to listen and see if she was still talking. She heard Lola crying instead.
Ava opened the bedroom door slowly. “Are you alright? What’s wrong?”
“That was my Dad,” Lola sniffed. “Mom’s been told she has breast cancer.”
Ava went to her and took her in her arms. Lola cried on her shoulder as they rocked back and forth. After awhile, Lola calmed down long enough to wipe away her tears.
“I’m sorry. Here I am crying my eyes out and my mother is still alive.”
“Well, of course you’re crying. You have every right.”
“I’ve seen firsthand what it’s like for someone to lose their mother and I don’t think I can stand it.”
“Sweetheart, I think you’re jumping the gun. There are a million things they can do to help women these days. It’s not an automatic death sentence anymore.”
“You’re right,” Lola nodded. “But Dad was so upset.”
“Well, of course he was. He needs you. Your mother needs you. You have to go, Lola.”
Lola looked at her friend. “I don’t want to leave you, but…”
“Don’t be ridiculous. As you can see, I’m well taken care of. You should get home to your parents right away.”
“Well, it’s still almost a month before you have to go to New York. If things work out, I’ll be able to meet you there.”
“Of course. But if you need to stay longer, do it. If there’s one thing I’ve lear
ned in the last couple of months, it’s never to squander time with your family. It’s the most important thing in life.”
They went downstairs and broke the news to Aunt Vi and Uncle Angus.
“Oh, you dear child!” Aunt Vi hobbled across the kitchen to give Lola a hug. “We’ll miss you something awful, but your mother needs you.”
Uncle Angus rose from the rocking chair and Lola ran over to him next. He gave her a big hug too. Then he put his hand in his pocket and took out a handful of change. “You’re gonna need a couple of loonies for the parking meter at the airport. The bastards are always scrounging money for no goddamn reason.” He picked through his coins and handed her four loonies.
“I’m calling you Uncle Loonie from now on,” Lola said through a grin.
“You can call me whatever you like,” Uncle Angus said. “Just as long as you call me.”
Lola started to tear up again, so she quickly ran upstairs. Ava followed.
She packed her bags and Ava drove her to the airport for the first flight that would take her to Halifax and, from there, to Toronto and on to Chicago. As they waited, they remembered their arrival all those months before.
“I feel as if an entire lifetime has elapsed since we walked through those doors,” Ava said.
“I remember how nervous you were. Nervous and edgy and angry, if the truth be told.”
“You’re right, I was. I was afraid of them; afraid that I’d be a disappointment or that they’d hate me.”
“You’ve been proven very wrong, haven’t you?”
“Very.”
“It’s at times like this that I wish I was lucky enough to have a brother or sister.”
“You have me. I’m your sister in everything that’s important. We don’t have to share the same chromosomes.”
Lola grabbed her hand. “Yes, you are. And I thank God for that everyday.”
Her flight was called and they rose to their feet. They hugged each other for a long time.
“Thank you for everything, Lola. I’ll miss you so much, but I’m glad you’re going.”
“Me too. I’ll call you when I get home, after I’ve talked to Mom.”
“Yes, please. I’ll be waiting.”
