by Lesley Crewe
“Hello?”
“Colleen?”
“Speaking.”
“This is Rose Petrie.”
“Sorry?”
“Libby’s sister.”
There was a long pause. Rose waited her out.
“What can I do for you?”
“I need Seamus’s phone number.”
“And why would you want to call him?”
“I’m sorry if I sound rude, but that’s none of your business.”
“It is my business. He’s my kid brother.”
“Excuse me, Colleen, but he’s a grown man. Do you filter all his calls? If I run into him on the street and tell him I tried to get in touch with him but his big sister stopped me, what do you think he’d say?”
She knew she hit a nerve because Colleen didn’t answer for a good ten seconds. Finally, she blurted out the number.
“Thank you.”
“Don’t hurt him. I’m warning you.”
“I don’t intend to. Goodbye.”
She hung up and thought, no time like the present. She dialed his number and it rang six times before she heard a voice. “Yes?”
“Seamus?”
“Yes.”
“It’s Rose. Libby’s sister.”
“What do you want?”
“I wanted to know if you were with Libby on Saturday night. She told Aunt Vi that she was with me, but she wasn’t.”
“She was here.”
“Oh. Well, I don’t mean to pry but I’m worried about her. Is there anything I should know?”
“Know?”
“Yes. Was she upset?”
“No.”
“Okay. She left a day early and we thought…”
“You thought that she was running away from me again?”
“Well…”
“No. We had dinner together and she told me she was leaving. We said goodbye.”
“I see.”
“Is there anything else I can help you with?”
“No. I guess not. I…are you all right?”
“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”
“No reason. I’m sorry I bothered you.”
“Yeah, okay.”
When he hung up she looked at the phone. If Rose didn’t know any better she’d swear she was talking to an automated answering machine. It made her feel worse than if he screamed in her ear. She called her Aunt Vi and told her what happened.
“Call his sister back and tell her. I don’t like the sounds of that.”
“Okay.”
She dialed Colleen’s number again.
“Hello?”
“Colleen, it’s Rose again.”
“God. Now what?”
“I think you should call your brother, or better yet, go over and see him.”
Her voice was instantly alert. “Why? What’s wrong?”
“Libby left for New York today.”
“Shit.”
“And he sounded like it didn’t bother him in the least.”
“Oh God.”
“I know. You better go.”
“Yes. Um…thanks for letting me know.”
“Hey, you love him, we love her.”
“Yes, I have to go.”
She hung up the phone and Rose saw her in her mind’s eye, driving to Catalone to help her brother. If only she could get in a car and help Libby.
Colleen yelled for Dave and told him what Rose said.
“Well, you better get over there.”
She grabbed a sweater and looked around for the car keys. “What if he’s in a bad way?”
“You know he’s in a bad way. Just let him talk or whatever.”
She raced to the door.
“Call if you need help and I’ll leave the kids with Audrey next door.”
“She’d love that, four more on top of her three. Wish me luck.”
“Good luck.”
Colleen drove, trying not to think, but her mind imagined all sorts of wild scenarios. He’d hang himself and Jack and Sarah would be orphans. He’d become a drunk like their dad. Or maybe Rose overreacted and he’d be pissed that she was interfering again. She was sick of the whole business. All she wanted was for him to have a normal life. Was that too much to ask?
She drove into his yard and nearly ran over Dexter. The stupid cat was asleep in the middle of the driveway. Dexter woke in a hurry and ran to the deck ahead of her so she’d let him in the house. She knocked and went through the door.
“Seamus?”
There was no response. Her heart beat a little faster. “Hello?”
Nothing. She was aware of the television on in his bedroom. She walked down the hall and knocked on the slightly open door. “Seamus?”
He was on the bed staring at the TV.
She almost had to holler. “Seamus.” She startled him.
“What?” He started to get up. “Why are you here? Something wrong with the kids?”
She rushed to reassure him “No, heavens, nothing like that.” She sat on the chair next to the bed and patted his knee. “They’re fine, although they do miss you. Two nights is about their limit.”
“I know. I’ll pick them up tomorrow after work if that’s okay.”
“Sure, that’s fine.”
“Why are you here, Colleen?”
She hesitated and debated about what she should say. She didn’t want to scare him off. “Rose called me. She was worried about you.”
He sat back on the bed and picked up the remote, clicking through the channels. She waited for him to respond, but he didn’t.
“I wanted to make sure you were okay.”
“You can see I am.”
“Are you?”
“I’m watching television. Is that something to be worried about?” “Yes,” she smiled. “There’s too much sex and violence on TV.”
He didn’t think it was funny so she tried another tack. “Rose told me something else.”
He kept channel surfing.
“That Libby left this morning.” It was like he didn’t hear her. “Seamus?”
“Yes?”
“Did you hear what I said?”
“Yeah.”
“How are you feeling? I mean, I can guess how you’re feeling but…”
“Fine.”
“You don’t look fine to me.”
“That’s your problem.”
This was worse than she thought. It was like talking to him through Plexiglas.
“So you don’t care that she left?”
“She wanted to go. She’s gone. End of story.”
“I see.”
“You can drop the worried sister routine and let me get on with my life.”
This was going nowhere. She didn’t want to antagonize him but she didn’t want him to take his service revolver and blow his brains out either. She was in limbo. He soon solved that.
“Get out.”
She blinked. “Sorry?”
“Get out. You’ve come to ask if I’m okay and I told you. Now get out.”
She stood up. “All right. I guess I’ll see you tomorrow then.”
“Yep.”
“Try and get some sleep.”
He didn’t answer her. She had no choice but to leave. She walked down the hall. Poor old Dexter practically sat up and begged to be fed. She went into the kitchen and opened a tin of cat food, then washed his dish and put in the whole can. Finally, she changed his water dish. At least one male in the house was happy.
Colleen turned to go and saw it sitting on the kitchen table. A small velvet box. She walked over and picked it up, glancing out into the hall before opening it. A lovely little diamond ring sparkled back at her. It wasn’t anything spectacular but she knew he couldn’t afford more. He worked hard for his money and would probably have to forego movies and fast food joints to pay for it, and that stupid little bitch left it behind, just as she left Seamus behind.
She wanted to hit something. Since Libby wasn’t there, she marched back into the
bedroom and hit him.
“Hey!” he said.
“Why, Seamus? Why do you let her do this to you over and over? Are you blind? Are you that stupid you can’t see her for what she is?” Colleen held out the ring. “She doesn’t want you. She rejected you once and now, ten years later, she’s done it again. Wake up and get on with your life, for the sake of your kids.”
That did it. Seamus got off the bed and poked her in the shoulder and kept poking as he walked towards her. She had to back up into the wall.
“I’m sick of you. I’m sick of all of you. You think you know her but you don’t.”
“But she’s left you again and I know your heart’s broken because I can see it on your face. It kills me to know how hurt you are.”
“How hurt I am?” He went over to the bedside table, picked up a glass and threw it at the mirror over his bureau as hard as he could. The mirror shattered and so did the glass. Colleen was petrified. She wanted to call Dave but Seamus came back and yelled in her face.
“I don’t know the meaning of the word hurt. I think Libby has that one all wrapped up. Maybe you can ask her how bad it hurt when she was raped by that fucking drama teacher at our school. Or maybe you can ask her how much it hurt when she had to fuck guys to get enough rum to numb the pain, so she could sleep at night. Or maybe you can ask her how it felt to be knocked up and have to go to Halifax for an abortion all by herself, so she wouldn’t disappoint me or her family. And ask her how it felt to stay away for ten years, missing her home and her brothers and sisters because she couldn’t face me and the hurt she’d put me through.”
Colleen was numb. She watched in horror as he turned around and grabbed his own hair in his desperation. “The hurt she put me though! What a laugh. I was a fucking baby. I cried like a baby when she left but I never wondered why she left. I never went after her to find out. I picked up my marbles and went home.”
He paced back and forth. “So, you be sorry for me Colleen, because that little bitch ruined my life, didn’t she? She’s put me through such pain and agony that I didn’t have a career or own my own home. I didn’t get married and have kids. Yes, I’m a fucking mess. So by all means get on the phone and tell her what a miserable bitch she is for hurting me.”
He put his hands over his face. “Oh my god. What have I done to her?” He stumbled back to the bed and sat down, keeping his face in his hands as he bent over his knees.
Colleen walked over to him and rubbed his back as he sat in silence. It was too much. She couldn’t take it all in. Surely to God it wasn’t true. “I’m sorry, Seamus. I can’t tell you how awful I feel for her…for you. It’s a tragedy.”
He wiped his face and kept his forearms on his thighs. It was as if he didn’t have the energy to sit up. “It’s more than a tragedy. It’s a never-ending nightmare and I can’t seem to wake up.”
“You obviously only found this out…”
“…Saturday night. She came for supper and she looked beautiful. We had such a nice time and then I go and ruin it by asking her to marry me, when I knew damn well she wasn’t ready. She said it often enough, about needing time. She gave me enough clues but I hounded her anyway. She told me she had to go away because she was under contract and I sloughed that off.”
“And when she said no?”
“She didn’t say no. She said she had to leave and I screamed at her and shook her and demanded she tell me why she wouldn’t stay. I forced it out of her and it cost her. It cost her so bad. She was like a limp rag…”
“That’s how she was in the bathroom at the wake,” Colleen said.
Seamus nodded. “As if the remembering was enough to destroy her.”
“What did you do?”
“I tried to comfort her and she finally slept but that wasn’t enough for me. In the morning I hounded her again to prove that she loved me, as if I didn’t have enough proof already. I tried to make love to her, and even though I knew in my heart she wasn’t ready, she let me. Used by one more man in her life.”
“That’s not true. I know she loves you.”
“I pushed her too hard and she got frightened. I forced her out of here again, and how do you think that makes her feel? She only ever worried about me and now she’ll feel awful about leaving me again. But she’s not the one that needs to feel awful. I do. I caused all this. If I’d let her go away and have some time to think, maybe we could’ve come together again, slowly. But I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it. And this is the result. She left a day earlier than she planned, and is no doubt missing that last day with her family more than anything.”
“God, what a mess,” Colleen sighed.
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I think you should leave her be.”
He got up and looked at the mess of glass on the floor. “How did I know that was coming?”
She reached for his hand. “No. You don’t understand, I’m not saying to stay away from her. I just think you should give her what she asked for, a little time.”
“But she’ll think I don’t care.”
“No, she won’t.” She kept hold of his hand. “I think maybe your best bet is to write her a letter and explain it exactly the way you’ve told me. Then she can read it by herself and think about it. Whenever you two are in the same room, there’s too much emotion going on. This was a terrible shock for you both, for her to dredge up the past and for you to hear all this horror at once. You never gave yourselves a chance.”
He took his hand away and rubbed his forehead. “I’m such an idiot. How in the name of God is she going to forgive me?”
“How are you going to forgive yourself, is my worry.”
He gave her a look.
“You’re beating yourself up about something you never knew happened. You were away cutting trees to make money for school. It’s not like you took off to party with other girls. You came home and she was gone and no one could tell you why. You were a kid. Of course you were upset and angry; you had every right to be. But you had to get on with your life.”
He sighed.
“Sweetheart, Libby’s gone through something you can’t possibly understand because you’re a man. An experience like that wounds a woman’s soul. She’s been hurt so deeply, she may always run away from men. She may never be able to give you what you want, in spite of the fact that she tried.”
“I’ll never know now.”
“You don’t know that.”
“I do know, because you’re right. The kindest thing I can do is leave her alone.”
“Maybe. I don’t know any more.” And then she thought of something. “Obviously her family doesn’t know about what happened to her all those years ago.”
He shook his head. “Don’t say a word, Colleen. If she wanted them to know, she would’ve told them.”
“Maybe she should. Maybe she’d feel better if she didn’t carry this burden all alone.”
“I don’t know. I can’t think anymore.”
Colleen looked at the floor. “Do you want me to help you clean up this mess?”
“No. This is one mess I have to clean up myself.”
CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE
On the way to New York, Ava had two passengers hit on her and three ask for an autograph. To put a stop to it, she wore a sleeping mask and kept it there—she had no appetite anyway. She left the plane as quickly as possible, and ignored the pesky hanger-on who couldn’t take a hint.
The studio provided a limo and driver to take her to the Plaza. The manager greeted her and made chit-chat as she hurried through the lobby. He whisked her upstairs to one of their best suites. She nodded and smiled as the bell boy came behind them with the luggage. She placed a tip in his hand and thanked them both. They bid her good–night and closed the door behind them.
She looked around at the huge, empty suite.
“Welcome home, Ava.”
She wandered over to the window. New York City. Home to millions.
“Hello? Anyone out the
re?”
She unpacked her bags and ordered a vanilla milkshake, then sat on a chair and waited for it to come. When it arrived, she drank it and then looked at her watch. It was still only seven o’clock, so she reached for the TV remote and turned it on. Images of another suicide bombing covered the screen. She turned it off and went over to the window again, noticing for the first time that it was raining. The sky was crying. Her finger traced the raindrops on their zig-zag journey down the window pane.
She looked at her watch. It was eight o’clock.
Crossing the room, she passed a mirror and stopped to look at her reflection. “Well, this is fun, isn’t it?”
She continued on and sat on the bed, then got up and made herself a rum and coke. On the way back from the bar, she toasted herself in the mirror again. “Good choice, old dear. Rum and coke, your specialty.” She downed her drink and smacked her lips. “I think I’ll have another.”
Over to the bar once more to fill her glass and then back to the mirror. “To a long and happy life.” The drink was gone in a flash. “Yum. One more, I think.”
After her third rum and coke, she put down the glass and walked into the bathroom, leaning into the mirror over the sink to brush her hair back with her fingers. “I think I deserve a little party. I am a party girl, after all.”
She turned away from the mirror and stripped off her clothes. “We all have our talents.”
She stepped into the glorious tub and had a leisurely soak in perfumed bubble bath. It didn’t smell like Jergen’s Hand Lotion at all. Once out of the tub, she wrapped herself in a luxurious towel to dry off, but soon dropped it to the floor to take a look at herself. Not bad, Ava. The few extra pounds she’d gained suited her.
Time to spread lotion all over her body and take her time rubbing it in. Then over to her lingerie bag to remove the sexiest bra and panties she owned. Black lace, naturally. What is it with men and blonde women wearing black lace? No imagination at all, unless it’s blondes wearing red lace.
Ava turned on the CD player and swayed to Kenny G as she applied her makeup. Her hair was easy. She bent over and messed it up. Perfect. Now over to the closet to choose the little black dress that cost her a week’s wages. She stepped into it and pulled it over her tiny curves. She found her favourite high heels and a small clutch to hold her lipstick and room key. Then she walked back into the bathroom and dabbed perfume behind her ears and on her wrists.
