by Natalie Ward
They told me they died instantly.
The roads were covered in ice from the previous night and the snow was still falling. An SUV they said, from out of nowhere, just as their car was leaving the tunnel and turning towards Logan. An SUV, which was travelling too fast on ice-covered roads and ploughed into Seth’s side of the car, forcing it against the safety barrier and crushing them both.
They didn’t even give him a military funeral. Not killed in action, they said. Sam argued with them. He tried to sort out everything for me. I didn’t fight it, I just couldn’t. All I cared about was my brother. All I cared about was that my brother was dead and I was never going to see him again.
We buried him in Providence a few days later. It was freezing, the ground frozen solid as I laid him to rest, right beside my mother and my father. I’d sworn I wouldn’t go back there again. Lara’s family had her cremated, but they let me bury some of her ashes with Seth. It was the first time I’d seen her family since the engagement party and it was agony. And in the end, it was her parents I gave the photos to, some final reminders of the last days of their daughter’s life. I haven’t been able to pick up my camera since that day.
Seth and Lara never should have been on the road. They never should have been here at all. They should’ve been in San Diego with their friends instead of babysitting a little sister who was afraid of having a birthday without her brother.
My brother was dead. Lara was dead. They were dead because they’d come to visit me, because I’d begged them to stay and they did. They were dead because I couldn’t bear to be alone on my birthday, and now I am anyway.
∞
I wake up late, my sleep surprisingly free of nightmares once again. I’m grateful for that, so glad Luke didn’t have to listen to or witness me sleep through it all again. Outside the snow has stopped falling and the sun is shining. The brightness of all that white looks amazing, almost like the whole world has been wiped clean. A fresh start to a new year.
I go out to the living room and see that Luke has already gone. The blankets are folded and stacked at the end of the couch and I feel a tiny shred of what I think is disappointment at the fact he’s no longer here.
I walk into the kitchen and instantly know he’s brewed coffee before he left though. The smell is amazing and I wonder if he’s gone out and bought it. I don’t think I own anything that could smell that good. He must have, because sitting beside the coffee pot is a bag of chocolate croissants. I smile as I dig one out and pour myself some coffee.
Standing there at the window, watching the whitened street outside, eating my croissant and drinking my coffee, I smile again. Hanging from the window frame is a collection of guitar picks, strung together in some kind of mini mobile. Most of them are clear plastic in a variety of colours and as they dance around in the window, the sun shines through them, dispersing the light around the room.
Everywhere, tiny patches of coloured light dance all around me and it looks incredibly beautiful.
I’m still smiling when I realise in the end, yesterday didn’t turn out as bad as I thought it would. Deep down, a part of me hopes, wishes even, that maybe this really could be a new year after all.
A couple of weeks after my birthday, I once again find something in my locker. Of course I know who it’s from, what I don’t know is why he keeps doing this. This time it’s movie tickets. An Underworld movie marathon is showing tonight. Vampire movies, he knows I love vampire movies. I make his coffee without asking and take it out to the kitchen for him.
"What’s this?" I ask, holding the tickets up.
He turns to me and half smiles. "Um, movie tickets," he says carefully, as though I’m suggesting they’re something more.
"What for?" I ask him. I’m not trying to be rude but I don’t know why he’s bought these for me, why he keeps being so nice to me.
"For you Ash," he says simply. "I know you like the series, so I thought you might want to go. They’re all yours. Call it a belated birthday present?"
That’s all. No request to go out, nothing, just a gift from him to me. Again. I exhale. What am I doing, I ask myself.
"Ok, well thanks," I say. I turn to walk out, but suddenly stop. What I am doing is being rude. I’m being very rude to the one person who has been nothing but nice to me. So I turn around, walk back over and leave one of the tickets beside Luke’s coffee. This is as close as I can get to asking if he wants to come with me. If he doesn’t, it won’t matter because I don’t have anyone else to ask. Without saying anything, I look up at him, even though I know he’s watched me the whole time. He smiles at me and I nervously smile back. Neither of us says anything to each other.
Later that night, I’m leaving my apartment to head over to the movies when I see Luke waiting outside for me. I stop. He hasn’t noticed me yet so I stand there for just a second and watch him. Watch as he leans against the brick fence surrounding my building and watches the people passing him by. He’s bundled inside a thick jacket and although it’s cold out, he looks so relaxed, so calm, so sure, like he isn’t worried about anything. It’s a rare opportunity for me to stare at him instead of the other way around. But almost as soon as I’ve thought it, he turns and sees me.
"Hey," he says smiling at me. "Ready to go?"
I didn’t expect him to come to my house first. Didn’t expect him to come at all. I smile back at him as I answer, "Sure, let’s go."
We walk in silence to the cinema. It’s one of those older ones that occasionally screen movie marathons to try and get people to come back. It doesn’t have the best screen, but it does serve popcorn with real butter melted on it. Not the crap they serve in those mega complexes.
When we get inside I turn to Luke. "Something to eat, drink?" I ask.
He looks at me like he’s about to say something, but before he can I tell him, "I’m getting it, you bought the tickets." I don’t want this to be like a date.
He holds up his hands, smiling. "Ok thanks, coke and popcorn would be great."
I smile back at him and go and buy our stuff.
Inside the cinema we are two of only a handful of people. Luke automatically walks to the row of seating behind the wall they have to divide the front and back sections. My favourite spot.
"Ok?" He asks.
"Perfect," I say back.
We both take our jackets off and sit down, we both put our feet up and we both avoid the arm rest that sits between us. I don’t take it and neither does he.
Half way through the first movie though, we somehow both move our arm at the same time. Both of us are now resting on the arm rest between us. Both of us are pretending to ignore the fact that our arms are side by side and touching. Even though I know he’s twice held me in his arms while I cried all over him, this feels very different. We’ve both done this and we are both choosing to keep our arms there. Touching. I spend the rest of the movie half watching it and half feeling the heat along the side of my arm. Waiting for Luke to move, wondering if I should. In the end, neither of us does until the movies finish.
They only show the first two, but it’s late when we come out. We’re standing outside the cinema facing each other. We both speak at the same time.
"Do you..."
"You want…"
Luke smiles, "You go."
I smile back. "Thanks for tonight Luke, for the tickets, for coming along." That’s not what I was going to say before.
"Thanks for inviting me," he says to me. I don’t think that’s what he was going to say either.
We stand in silence again. Watching each other.
Finally I speak, "You ah….you want to grab a drink or…um, something to eat?" I turn away at the end, somehow unable to keep looking at him as I make this suggestion.
Luke moves so he’s looking right at me, bends down so I have to see him as he answers, "Yeah, I would Ash. That’d be great."
We walk in silence for a block or two until we come across a bar which has a live band playing. Both of u
s stop and turn to face each other. Smiling Luke says, "Here?"
Again, I smile back. "Yeah, here is good."
We go in and find ourselves a table. We grab something to eat, we have a few drinks and we listen to this band. Luke tells me he’s never seen the third movie. I tell him it’s actually a prequel and while not as good, still relevant to the story and now there’s a fourth one out too. He says maybe we should watch them sometime. I surprise myself when I agree with him.
And here tonight, all of those email conversations we’ve had suddenly become real life. All of those easy online chats suddenly become easy to have face to face. All the shit that happened with Liam and then with Luke afterwards, is forgotten. I’m not sure how this has happened, but suddenly it has. Suddenly we are acting like friends.
Nothing more happens tonight, nothing more than us talking and me somehow having a good time. Later though, when I’m back home, I realise what has really happened. I’ve been distracted by the simple act of going to the movies and grabbing a drink afterwards. I’ve been distracted from my shit life, by something that is just so normal. And it was all because of Luke.
I wonder if he even knows what he’s doing to me, if he even realises how much he’s affecting me. And I wonder why I’m letting any of this happen. Everything would be so much easier if it could always be like this.
Seven, a neutral pH that like a seventh note is dependent on its surrounding environment
∞
Playlist:
1. I’ve got this friend – The Civil Wars
2. Friends – Band of Skulls
3. To whom it may concern – The Civil Wars
∞
Every situation you find yourself in can go in any number of different possible directions. All it takes is one little trigger and something changes. One thing which at the time might seem like nothing important but actually, has the power to change everything and that change can be good or bad.
I’ve often wondered if maybe I tried to change a situation, would it ever create a different outcome or, does making the change just create the very situation I’m trying to avoid. Could I have ever stopped any of the things I’ve done? Sometimes is it better to just let things happen and see where the path takes you? Because in the end, do you really have the power to change it anyway?
∞
When I was a kid I used to love going to visit my grandparents. I never got the chance to know the ones on my Mom’s side because they’d died long before I was born, so I felt even closer to the ones I did have. My Dad was originally from Maine and that’s where his parents still lived, in a beautiful old farmhouse that I absolutely adored going to. We would usually head up there twice a year, once in the winter time and once over summer. Winter was always my favourite time of the year because of all the snow. They got loads more than we ever did in Providence and it was so much fun to play in. I used to spend hours out there until I was freezing cold and soaking wet and then I’d come inside to a warm house and a mug of hot chocolate in front of the fire.
I was twelve years old the last time I loved that trip. We’d gone up in February and the snow that had started falling as we drove up there, continued all night. When I woke up the next morning, it was very early and the entire place was blanketed in white. It was thick and fluffy and perfect for sledding. I remember racing out of bed and into Seth’s room, jumping on his bed to try and get him to wake up.
"Mmmm," came his muffled response. "What do you want?"
"Come on Seth, come outside, come outside," I said jumping on his bed.
"It’s too early Smash, go away," he mumbled back before rolling over and pulling the covers over his head.
I continued jumping for a few minutes but it was clear Seth wasn’t getting up. It was only 7am, but still, I wanted him to be as excited as me. I guess at eighteen you feel a little differently about snow and the thought of sledding. Disappointed, I climbed off the bed and made my way downstairs to the living room, wondering if I could put the TV on and wait for someone else to get up.
When I wandered down there though, Grandad was in the kitchen making himself some breakfast. I’d forgotten he was an early riser, probably because I was never usually up early enough to notice.
"Hey Grandad," I said as I walked past the kitchen.
He must have noticed my long face because he followed me into the living room to ask, "What’s wrong Ash, why so sad this morning?"
"Seth won’t get up and come outside with me," I said, sinking onto the couch in a huff.
"He won’t huh?" Grandad asked, sitting down beside me.
"No, and there’s heaps of snow outside and I just want him to come out and sled with me."
Grandad reached over and ruffled my hair as he suggested, "Well, what if I came outside with you?"
A huge smile broke out on my face as I turned to Grandad, "Really?" I asked. "You would?"
"Of course Ash, but I think you’d better go and put something warmer on, it’s pretty cold out there today," he said, smiling at me.
I raced off the couch and back upstairs to my room, yanking on as many layers as I could find. Flying back down the stairs I saw Grandad standing by the front door, pulling on his thick snow jacket and wrapping a scarf around his neck. I threw my arms around him, burying my face in his side. "Thanks Grandad, thanks for coming with me."
"Anytime Ash, anytime," he answered, tickling me as he always did, just to make me laugh.
We spent several hours out there that morning and it was so much fun. Both of us flying down the small hill that ran along the back of their property. Me always going faster because I was smaller and lighter than Grandad, Grandad always helping me haul my sled back to the top. By the time we came inside, both of us were red faced and out of breath.
Everyone else was up and in the kitchen by now and Dad was laughing when he saw the pair of us outside the back door.
"Look at you two huh, a busy morning then?" he said.
I pulled off my jacket, droplets of water falling all over the back step. I was smiling as I said, "Yep, it was the best."
As Grandad took my jacket and hung it up on the hook beside his, I padded into the warm kitchen and slid into a chair next to Seth, nudging him as he hunched over a steaming cup of coffee, still half asleep. "You should come with us next time sleepy head."
"Sleepy head, you’re usually the sleepy head Ash, I don’t how you were up so early this morning," Dad said smiling at me as Seth just grunted.
"Snow Dad, there’s snow!" I responded throwing my arms in the air.
He laughed and we all tucked into breakfast, Grandad coming to sit on the other side of me. I was starving after our morning of sledding, but I was so happy. Later on that day, Seth eventually came outside with me and we had a huge snowball fight, but for the rest of the week, as I continued to wake up early and find Grandad downstairs waiting to go sledding with me, it was just the two of us. As always Grandad had found a way to make everything better and I was happy.
Until the last day of our trip, when the inevitable happened.
∞
I’m walking home from work on Friday evening. It’s beautiful outside, winter is mostly gone now and spring is slowly on its way. The days already feel different. I don’t know what I’m going to do tonight, but for once, I don’t feel like sitting at home alone.
As I walk along, I’m startled out of my daydream by the sound of someone knocking on glass. Looking up, I recognise the guys from Infinity sitting on the other side of the window. I don’t really know them that well and I can’t see Luke with them, but they’re gesturing for me to come inside.
Reluctantly, I hoist my bag further on my shoulder and push open the door to the diner. I go over to their booth and one of them sticks out his hand. "Ash hey, how are you?"
I shake his hand warily as I answer, "Okay."
"Jared, remember? I live with Luke," he says smiling. "And this is Ben and Steve, from the band," he continues, gesturing to the other gu
ys sitting in the booth. "Have a seat, join us."
I feel a little weird standing here with these guys. Guys I don’t really know, but evidently seem to remember me. I do recognise them now and I know I met them all at Luke’s party, but that already feels like ages ago. Plus, Luke is not with them, which makes this whole thing feel even stranger.
"It’s okay thanks, I don’t want to disturb you guys." I say, already backing away from the table.
"Don’t be stupid, we called you in. Sit, have a drink with us!" Jared says to me, laughing.
So I sit. I sit next to the guy named Steve and across from Ben and Jared. They are all smiling at me and I have no idea what to say.
"So you’ve worked with Luke for a while then?" Ben eventually asks me.
"Yeah a while now I guess, maybe seven months," I answer, wondering why he’s asking me this.
"But you worked there before he started right?" Ben continues, smiling at me now.
I think back to that time. To the reason I wasn’t at work. To the reason Luke was hired in the first place. "Yes, before he started," is all I can bring myself to say.
A waitress comes over and I’m looking at her, trying to think of an excuse to escape. Ben orders another pitcher of beer and an extra glass. I’m stuck here then.
When the beer arrives, Jared pours me a drink. They’re all talking about a band they like. I’m half listening, when I feel someone slide into the booth next to me, pressing the length of their body against mine. Before I even turn, I know who it’s going to be.
"Hey," Luke says, a smile on his face.
I smile nervously back at him, "Hey."
I’m not used to being crowded like this by him. It feels very different to a shared arm rest, to my tears on his chest. Now I can feel the whole length of his body pressing against mine, feel the heat radiating off him. Now I can really smell him.
He tops up the beer he has in his hand. "When did you get here?" he asks, half turning to face me as he drapes his arm across the back of the seat behind me.
My eyes flick up to his arm and then back to his face. Up close, I can see now that his eyes are a very dark blue. They are also very alive and very bright as they watch me. "Um, I don’t know, maybe a couple of minutes ago," I suggest. "They saw me walking past outside."
