by Natalie Ward
He smiles at me, tucking my hair behind my ear. "Oh you know, all these sexy little sighs, your arm tightening around me. It was all very adorable," he continues, laughing at my now obvious embarrassment. "Like I said, I could’ve lain there all day with you like that."
I cover my face with my hand to hide my blushing. I’m embarrassed, but it’s more than that. It’s my response to sleeping with him. It’s the complete lack of nightmares and the total contentment as I lay there in his arms, sleeping on his chest. It’s all the things we did last night and again this morning. It’s the things I saw in the mirror earlier and his words to me right now. It’s all of that, and so much more.
Luke gently pulls my arm down so I have to look at him, taking the coffee from my other hand at the same time. "Please don’t be embarrassed Asha," he whispers, sliding his hand into my hair and pulling me closer. "You are incredibly beautiful and very, very sexy." His words are a low rumble in my ear and the kisses that follow, trailing along my cheek to my lips, take my embarrassment away. They take my breath away, so all that’s left is me melting in his arms, me in heaven and me never wanting him to stop.
Sometime later, both of us are breathing harder and I can no longer remember what I was embarrassed about. Turning, Luke presses his lips to my neck, kissing and gently nibbling my skin. I feel his arms tighten around me as he whispers, "Mmm, definitely beautiful and sexy."
My eyes squeeze shut as I try desperately to stop the smile that now wants to break out all over my face. As Luke lifts his head and looks down at me, I open them and give in, unable to stop it. He smiles back before leaning down to softly kiss my lips.
"Do you believe me now?" he whispers.
My smile gets bigger as he keeps up his kisses, covering me in them as he rolls us over so I now lie on top of him. I lift my head and his hands gently smooth the hair back from my face, cradling my cheeks as he stares up at me. His blue eyes are intense as they watch me and I can’t tear my gaze away from him.
Swallowing, I say quietly, "Well, I think it’s you who makes me this way Luke."
I watch the sexy smile that curls at his lips and at the same time, feel my heart do a slow, lazy flip inside my chest. As he lifts his mouth to mine, I can feel every hard ridge of his stomach and chest as they rise up to meet me and my heart starts flipping a little bit faster in response.
"Good," is all he says, before softly kissing me again.
Neither of us has to go to work, so we don’t leave his bed for the rest of the day.
By the time Jared comes home, Luke and I are curled up together on the couch watching TV. I’m lying half on him and still wearing his clothes, while Luke’s arms are wrapped around me, one of his hands hidden under my t-shirt, resting against my bare skin. I look up when the front door opens, but Luke doesn’t move, just gently tightens his arms around me as he calls out. "Hey man, how are you?"
"Hey," Jared says as he walks into the living room, glancing at me, "Hey Ash."
"Hi," I answer back, smiling warily at him. I’m not sure what I’m expecting from Jared either, but as I lie here watching Luke and Jared discuss last night, Jared telling Luke his guitars are at Ben’s, at how drunk the two of them had gotten, I’m surprised at how normal it all feels. I don’t know if I expected Jared to say something or make some comment about us suddenly leaving last night or about me still being here, but I did not expect him to say nothing at all. To act as if me lying here on the couch, in their house, wearing Luke’s clothes and wrapped all around Luke, is just completely normal.
"Anyway, I’m going to bed, massive hang over still, Ben is a fucking demon when he brings the whisky out. See you both in the morning."
I can only say, "Yeah," as Jared wanders off. When his bedroom door shuts, I turn to Luke and ask, "He doesn’t care if I stay here, he won’t mind?"
Luke just smiles at me. "No of course not."
I lean my arms on his chest, raising myself up so I can look him in the eye. "You’re sure?" I ask.
Luke leans over and grabs his phone, hitting some buttons before he shows it to me. As I glance at the screen, I see a text from Jared.
Stayin at Ben’s – have fun!
C u 2morow nite
And then a response from Luke, sent sometime this morning.
Thanks J
Ash is gonna stay some more, that ok?
And a last text from Jared.
Of course – she can stay as long as she wants
Song was wicked ;)
I don’t know what to say. I look back up at Luke who’s watching me like he’s not sure what my reaction will be. I’m surprised by both the relief and the absolute happiness I feel right now. It’s definitely not what I expected.
Eventually Luke says, "Ash, you okay?"
And all I can say back is, "I think we should go to bed too."
Laughing now, Luke pulls me towards him. "Oh you do huh?" he whispers before kissing me.
I realise then, he hasn’t stopped touching me all day.
And I realise how much I love that.
I don’t ever want to leave.
∞
A week after their concert, I’m still at Luke’s house. Every morning when I’ve woken up and we have to go to work, he wraps his arm around me, walks me to my apartment first and says, "Pack some clothes, stay tonight?"
And I can’t help but smile at him and answer, "Yes."
I no longer wake up each morning so afraid. Instead, I wake to fingers moving gently over my bare skin. When I open my eyes, I see Luke is already awake and when I whisper to him, "Can’t sleep?" He just smiles as he silently drags me closer to him, kissing me deeply, so deeply. And suddenly I can’t sleep anymore either. Every morning I’m woken by his touch and his smile and it slowly starts to take some of my fear away.
Seconds, minutes and hours turn to days, nights and weeks, all spent with Luke. We tell no one at work of what’s happening between us and we both enjoy the secret. I’m certain they all see what’s circling around us though, the magnetic force pulling us like gravity towards each other.
All day I struggle to keep my hands from touching him.
He teases me, making it hard by sneaking in soft touches along exposed skin, leaving me tingling. He finds me amongst the shelves of books to whisper beautiful words and place a secret kiss on my neck that has me melting. He follows me into the cold room to wordlessly kiss me senseless, so I have to stay in there for a few minutes after he leaves, just to get my breathing back under control.
And in the evenings, I keep going home with him.
We lie on his bed while he plays his guitar and writes words for his songs. We talk endlessly by the moonlight or watch movies curled together on the couch. He cooks dinner for me and we eat together, often with Jared too, talking and laughing. They both laugh when I attempt to cook dinner for them. We sit in darkened cinemas barely seeing the screen. I go with him and watch the band practice. They all know of course. They’ve known since before it even started.
And all night, I never stop touching him.
I trace the lines of his tattoos in a way that I know distracts him. I run my hands over his smooth, warm skin. I kiss him now, making him breathless. I lie there listening to his heart beat and I’m still so hungry for him. I feel more alive than ever.
And every night I fall dreamlessly asleep in his arms, waking to hear his heart beat still.
∞
Towards the end of July, Mia calls from Chicago. I’m still at Luke’s place.
"She has a house at the Cape," Luke says. "Someone from her work, they can’t go anymore. She wants to know if she comes out, will we go there with her."
"We?" I ask with a smile on my face.
"Yeah we," Luke says smiling back at me, his fingers playing with my hair.
"So she knows about us?" I ask, teasing him as I slip my fingers into the front pockets of his jeans and pull him towards me.
He blushes and it’s adorable. "Yeah she knows about us, is th
at okay?"
I remember back to the things she told me at their show. How she knew what Luke felt, how she said it was obvious to everyone but me. How she seemed happy about the idea of the two of us. I laugh, sliding my hands around his waist, under his t-shirt and pulling him into a hug. "Yeah it’s okay with me."
"So we’ll go?" he asks wrapping his arms around me, his lips pressing kisses to my neck.
"We’ll go," I answer breathlessly, already distracted by what he’s doing to me.
A week later, we pick Mia up from the airport and drive straight down that afternoon. Me, Luke, Jared, Steve, Pete, Ben and Mia. We all pile into Ben’s van and drive out there. The house is amazing, sitting right on the beach and with enough room for all of us. On our first night there, the guys are cooking food on the barbeque while Mia and I make salads and get drinks.
"So I guess you finally saw him then, hey Ash?" Mia says to me.
"Huh?" I say, looking up at her.
"You and Luke. You finally saw him too?" She says gesturing to me and then outside towards her brother.
As I look out at Luke sitting on the deck, I smile, watching him laugh with the other guys while strumming on his guitar. I don’t notice Mia come up to me until she puts her arm around my waist. "It’s really good you did Ash, really good," she says quietly.
"Yeah," I say still watching him. "I’m very happy, he makes me very happy." And I am. I haven’t been this happy in a really long time.
Mia squeezes my waist before going back to chopping tomatoes. "So I guess the song worked then?" She casually asks.
I turn to look at her and she laughs at the look that must be on my face.
"Yes, yes I know about the song Ash, who do you think gave him the brilliant idea," she says smiling as she continues to chop. "He’s been crazy about you forever you know, and he just didn’t know how to say it, how to let you know or do it in a way that, I don’t know, wouldn’t freak you out," she continues shrugging her shoulders, as though the whole thing is obvious. "So I told him to just tell you, the best way he knows how – music. It’s who he is, it’s what he knows."
I blush now, thinking back to that night. To how perfect it was, to how perfect it’s been since.
Mia laughs again. "And you know," she continues. "He’s really, really happy now too. The way he is with you, well I’ve definitely never seen him this happy before."
"Who’s happy?" Luke asks as he comes inside and wraps his arms around me from behind.
I sink into him, my whole body falling back against his. I’m more than just really happy, I think to myself, as Luke bends down to kiss the top of my shoulder. Much more.
Mia just laughs. "You two," she says throwing a dish cloth at both of us.
I feel Luke’s arms as they tighten around my waist. I hear Luke as he whispers in my ear, "How can I not be with you." My whole body shivers and I turn in his arms, standing on my toes to press a kiss to his lips. A sigh escapes me as his warm hands move across my back, under the tank top I’m wearing and over my bare skin. I feel his fingers as they trace a path up my spine. I wrap my arms around his waist, holding him against me. I just want to disappear with him, but we reluctantly pull apart as Jared comes in and tells us. "Right, food’s ready, so keep your clothes on you two and let's eat."
Mia is laughing at us again and I suddenly realise they’re actually still in the room. I feel myself start to blush and bury my face in Luke’s chest, embarrassed that we’re so oblivious to everyone else. He laughs softly and pulls me tighter against him, whispering in my ear that we can continue this later, making me blush even more.
After dinner, we all head down to the beach. Ben, Steve and Pete build a fire which we all sit around, drinking and talking. I notice for the first time how much attention Jared pays to Mia.
"I think someone has a bit of a crush," I say quietly to Luke.
"Mmm?" he asks, leaning forward to rest his chin on my shoulder. I’m sitting between his legs on the still warm sand, resting my back against him, my arms on his raised knees.
"Jared and your sister," I say, looking over at them.
"Oh yeah," he says softly, kissing me just behind my ear in a way that causes a breath to catch in my throat. "He’s had that for ages."
"And Mia?" I ask. "What about her?"
Luke puts his arms on mine, linking our fingers together as he wraps our arms around my waist. "Yeah I’m pretty sure the feeling is still mutual, I mean they were actually together for a while. But it was ages ago and I don’t fully know why they broke up, neither of them likes to talk about it. I think she’s reluctant to do something again, partly I guess because he’s my best mate and partly because she lives in Chicago now."
I turn my face to Luke. "Really, but you wouldn’t care, right? I mean did you, when they were together before?"
He smiles at me, pressing a kiss to my lips this time. His blue eyes look so dark in the firelight, but I can see the intensity in them when he looks at me. It makes my heart skip a beat every time. "Nah of course not, if I didn’t think he was good enough for my sister, I wouldn’t be friends with him in the first place."
I smile and kiss him again. This is part of why I like him so much. That he’s so amazing and has such amazing people in his life. I feel so happy to be part of it right now. So happy, that I don’t even worry about all of the bad stuff I know is still inside me. I can’t think about it, I don’t have room for it when Luke is around. He makes me forget about all of it.
"Maybe I should say something to her?" I suggest.
Luke laughs a little, tightening his arms around us. "Good luck," he says, before kissing me again.
The next day we all hit the beach, armed with food and drinks and spend the whole day swimming and lying on towels under umbrellas. It’s the most perfect day which we all spend together; laughing, talking, eating, drinking and having fun. I feel deliriously happy right now. I haven’t felt this good with other people in what feels like forever. I can’t believe I’ve gone without this in my life. That I honestly thought I could. For the first time in a long time, I just want to capture and hold on to this moment.
The day is so warm and I love the feel of the sun on my skin. I ask them all questions; about how they met, how long Steve and Pete have been together, when the band formed. They tell me so many stories; answer all of my questions without smothering me in theirs. Luke laughs when he tells the story of how Steve first came to be in the band.
"We’d advertised for a bass player," he starts.
"And in walks this tough guy," Jared continues nodding at Steve, who is possibly blushing a little, now he knows where this story is going. Pete is smiling because he definitely knows and clearly finds it amusing.
"And the first thing he says is; ‘just so you know, I’m gay. If any of you have a problem with that, then I may as well leave now’," Luke continues, laughing even more.
I look over at Steve who’s smiling now. "And?" I ask. "What was their reaction?"
"This one turns to me," Steve finishes gesturing towards Ben, who is shaking his head laughing, "And says, ‘yeah but can you play a fucking guitar?’" And they all crack up laughing and I can’t help but join in.
It’s amazing to watch them. They’re all such good friends, so obviously close yet they talk so openly in front of me, willingly accepting that I’m now a part of their group too, just like Mia. And they really love to tease Luke about me.
"You know we forced him to have that party, just to get you to come over. He’d been talking about you for ages, ever since he met you. We had to do something just to help the poor bastard out," Jared says laughing. "Of course that dickhead messed things up a bit, but at least you came, you really made his night by doing that."
I turn to Luke who is blushing a little now and it’s so adorable, I can’t help but smile at him.
"Yeah and the night you came and watched us play, your boy here couldn’t wipe the smile off his face for the rest of the week," Steve continues, nudgin
g Luke with his foot.
"Oh, but what about the night we ran into her and dragged her out to watch Damien’s band," Ben says laughing. "Christ, Luke was fucking mental after that night."
I’m laughing now too, but when Jared continues with, "Yeah but then there was "that night" and "that song"," doing the quotation marks with his fingers. "You know the one I mean Ash," he says with a smile on his face. "He definitely hasn’t stopped smiling since that night. Of course; there’s been a lot more happening besides just smiling!"
Now I’m blushing because I know exactly what he’s talking about. He lives with Luke and he knows I’ve spent every night there since the first one. I blush because I’m supremely embarrassed he knows this, despite being extremely happy and it’s not until Luke pulls me into a hug and says, "Hey leave my girl alone," that I finally laugh too. They are teasing both of us, but it’s friendly and I know they mean well. And really, deep down I don’t mind it at all.
Because what I realise now, is just how long this whole thing has been going on for. Just how long Luke has felt this way, felt this way about me. At how much he doesn’t care who knows and how much he doesn’t try to hide it; from them, from me, from anyone. But most of all, what I realise is how much he chose to keep trying, even after everything I did and everything I said. Even when my anger and fear pushed him away, he was still there, waiting for me. I’m amazed and elated he would do that, that he would still want me after everything I did. And I can’t help but smile when I realise all of that. I look over at Mia as I sit wrapped in Luke’s arms and find she’s watching us, smiling at me, like she knows exactly what I’m just working out in my head.
In the late afternoon, Luke drags me into the water, pulling me to him. I wrap my legs around his waist as he holds me against him. It feels amazing. The cool water lapping at our sun warmed bodies, his hands on my bare skin, my legs around his waist, his lips kissing my freckled shoulder. The others are all on the beach far enough away, but I still want more. As I pull myself closer, I hear Luke groan as he gently bites my shoulder and kisses a trail up my neck. My head falls backwards as breathing normally suddenly gets a lot harder.
