Tears sprang to Mamm’s eyes. “Oh, Katie, you don’t know how it tears my heart apart to hear you talk like this. You’re changing into someone I don’t even know.”
Katie looked away. “I’m sorry.” She knew she shouldn’t be speaking to Mamm this way. A few months ago—or even a few weeks ago—she wouldn’t have even thought to say such words. But something was changing inside her, and it couldn’t be stopped now.
Mamm moved closer and slipped her arm around Katie’s shoulder. Katie laid her head against Mamm’s shoulder. They sat in silence, not moving as the old clock ticked on the living room wall. When the half-hour chime went off a few minutes later, Katie sat up. Mamm kept hold of her hand and whispered, “You’re still my child, Katie.”
“I know.” Katie nodded. “But I guess you’ll have to accept that your little girl is growing up.”
Mamm squeezed her hand. “Growing up doesn’t have to include the desire for Ben Stoll or any other boy.”
“But that’s not normal, Mamm,” Katie countered. She needed to leave for work, but she felt she had to make her mamm understand. “Mamm, I don’t want to hurt you, but the truth is that I’m tired of this. I’m tired of being looked at as strange. I’m tired of people pitying me because I’m Emma Raber’s daughter. Do you know that everyone calls me that? I want to be known as Katie Raber for a change. I want to be accepted as me, a person separate from you. I want people—including boys—to look at me and see me not you.”
Tears were in Mamm’s eyes again. “You’re all I have, Katie. I can’t lose you.”
“You could have more,” Katie said. “Jesse Mast is offering you a whole lot more. You could be a mamm to more children who need you. You’re not that old. You might even have another baby in the house, not to mention the five children Jesse already has. And I would have a daett.” Katie took a deep breath. She must leave or she’d be late for work. These were hard truths she was saying, but they seemed to bubble up from inside of her, demanding expression.
Mamm cleared her throat. “If I lose a daughter—as it seems I am—then having a husband I don’t love won’t make my life any better. I’m not accepting Jesse’s offer even if he comes back.”
“Well, I hope he does come back,” Katie insisted. “And I hope you change your mind.”
“He won’t be back. I told him I wasn’t interested, and any decent man would have the sense to take nee for an answer. As for you, Katie, I wish you would feel sorry for the way you’re acting.”
“I can’t change the way I feel.”
Mamm didn’t answer for a long time. Katie was ready to speak again when Mamm turned toward her. “I wish you would believe me when I tell you that we have something very wunderbah between us. This is our home. A safe place from an evil world out there that’s full of pain. We don’t have to change, Katie. We don’t have to experience the pain that’s out there. We don’t need others to be happy. But if you go running after a boy, all he will give you is heartache and suffering. And the same thing will happen to me if I accept Jesse’s offer. It will not bring happiness to either of us. I had my chances at happiness, and they were taken away from me. Can you understand that, Katie?”
“I don’t think Da Hah offers us only two chances at happiness, Mamm. He’s offering you a third chance—but you won’t take it.”
Mamm seemed to tune Katie out. “You were the miracle that brought the love for your daett alive in my heart, Katie. You were the part of him that became a part of me. Together your daett and I brought new life into the world unlike any before us. Da Hah allowed me to see this so clearly that love came alive in my heart. Then your daett was taken. It seemed like Da Hah had something against me. Like there was a terrible sin I’d done that needed paying for. Can you understand that, Katie? Can you see what might happen if I told Jesse I would marry him? What we have between us might die forever, and what comes afterward might be a whole lot worse than anything we have yet experienced.”
“But, Mamm,” Katie countered, clutching her mother’s hand, “Da Hah could help us experience even more happiness.”
Mamm shook her head. “Nee, Katie. I will not reach for such heights again. I am thankful Da Hah was once gracious to me.”
“I really must go.” Katie got up and moved toward the front door.
Mamm nodded but said nothing more.
Katie glanced back as she went out the door. Mamm was still sitting on the couch and staring out the window.
Chapter Nine
Thirty minutes later Katie pulled to a stop at the intersection near Royal Farm’s gas station. She looked both ways before venturing ahead. As the buggy wheels hummed beneath her, Katie’s mind drifted back to the tense moments at home this morning. At least Mamm had relented a bit and come outside to help hitch Sparky. And they had embraced before Katie had climbed inside the buggy.
Katie held on tight to the lines and thought of Ben Stoll. She pictured Ben driving into their driveway, just like Jesse had done the other evening, and then tying his horse to the hitching post. What an impossible dream. At least Mamm was right about that. The sooner she got rid of her silly daydreams about Ben the better. She’d been wishing she wouldn’t be so obsessed with him anyway. Maybe this kafuffle with Mamm would help move her in that direction. If Mamm had her way, Katie would never think about boys again. That was impossible! Even if her mamm had resolved to do that in her own life, it was unreasonable to expect her to do the same. At least Mamm had been married and borne a child. That made quite a difference. But to hope her daughter would never love a man or find a husband? Is that what Mamm was asking of her?
Mamm hadn’t quite worded it that way, but from the sounds of it, she expected Katie to remain single all her life. What a depressing thought. The years stretching before her in such a condition seemed empty and cruel, to say the least. Her cozy little world with Mamm no longer looked safe. In fact, it looked threatening.
Katie sighed as she held the reins loosely in her lap. Why couldn’t Mamm understand? Somehow Da Hah would have to open up a way to get through. Mamm’s way of thinking just wasn’t right. They both needed a normal family life—that was for sure.
Ahead of her, Byler’s Store came into view. Eventually Katie slowed down to make the turn into the driveway. When she stopped by the hitching post and climbed out, Esther Kuntz’s car pulled in. Esther waved, and Katie smiled and waved back. Before she’d unhitched Sparky, Esther’s cheerful voice called out, “What a lovely day, isn’t it!”
“Yah, it is,” Katie agreed with a quick glance at Esther. Then she led Sparky to the back and tied him up. Esther was sure in an unusually good mood this morning. Katie walked toward her coworker.
“I have something I’m supposed to ask you,” Esther said as the two met up and headed to the back of the store.
“You have something to ask me?”
Esther was all smiles now as she leaned toward Katie. “Roy Coblenz has invited you to his birthday party tomorrow night. How about that?”
Katie’s mind raced. “Who is Roy Coblenz?”
Esther raised her eyebrows. “I thought you would know since he specifically asked me to invite you.”
“I don’t remember the name,” Katie said. “There must be some mistake. Or are you teasing me, Esther?”
Esther laughed. “Believe me, Katie, I do like to tease. But not this time, if you know what I mean.”
Katie nodded. She did know what Esther meant. Bringing false news of a boy’s interest would go well beyond a tease. It would be mean.
Esther shrugged. “Are you sure you don’t know Roy? He said he spoke with you when he stopped in at the store.”
“Here at Byler’s?” Katie questioned.
“That’s what Roy said.”
Katie searched her mind. There were those two boys who had noticed her—Englisha boys.
“He’s an Englisha boy?” Katie asked.
“Well, he’s not Amish. But he’s not a heathen either,” Esther said with grin. “He’s Mennonite. Th
at’s how I know him…from church. He’s blond and a little tall.”
“And his name is Roy?” Katie heard a tremble in her voice.
“Yes. Roy Coblenz. So will you go? Will your mom let you?”
Katie was silent. That was a good question. After their discussion this morning, it wasn’t likely.
“I don’t know if she will,” Katie admitted.
“Well, it’s not like a date, you know. It’s just an invite to a Mennonite birthday party. And besides, you’re not a member of the Amish church yet, are you?”
“Nee, not yet,” Katie replied.
“Then there’s no problem,” Esther said as they entered the store through the employee entrance. “I’m invited too. How about if I pick you up tomorrow night?”
“Tomorrow night? Pick me up? Why would you be willing to do that?”
“I just thought you might want a ride,” Esther said.
Katie’s head was spinning. Maybe this was Da Hah’s answer to her prayer? A solution she’d never thought of?
“Come on!” Esther teased. “It’s not that big a deal. I’ll be glad to pick you up.”
“Do you know where I live?” Katie asked.
“I think I do. Toward Hartly and on the left?”
“Yah, we live in the old, white farmhouse.”
“See you at seven then. Don’t forget.”
How could I forget? Katie wondered. There would be no overlooking this news even if she wanted to. And she didn’t want to! Not a bit. This was a door opened for her, was it not? An open door from Da Hah to help her make friends. She was certain of it now that she knew Roy was Mennonite.
Esther walked toward the deli, and Katie made her way to her cash register. As she counted out her opening money, she glanced over to see Arlene just finishing her count. The fellow store clerk returned her glance and asked, “What happened to you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
Katie nodded. “I think I did.” She looked toward the deli where Esther was putting out the meat trays.
Arlene followed Katie’s glance. “Something involving Esther?”
“I was talking with Esther.”
“What did Esther talk you into?” Arlene asked with a sigh. “If she’s pulling some trick on you, tell me and I’ll go back there to talk with her right away. You know I’m not going to stand here and watch a girl like Esther take advantage of you.”
“It’s not what you think,” Katie managed to say. “Don’t worry. I’m okay.”
Arlene didn’t look convinced. “I’m getting to the bottom of this later, Katie. You can depend on that.”
Katie ignored Arlene and forced a smile when the manager, Mrs. Cole, walked up. She had to keep her courage up. Even with the strange turn of events she was sure everything would turn out okay. Da Hah was in charge.
Chapter Ten
It was a busy day at Byler’s. During the few breaks between customers and at lunch, Arlene tried to get Katie to open up about her conversation with Esther. But for now, Katie didn’t want to talk about it. She wanted to savor the invitation. Now quitting time was approaching, and Katie knew it would bring no relief from Arlene’s curiosity. She sighed as the next customer in line, an old man, looked up and smiled at her.
“You look tired,” he said. “Time to go home?”
“Almost,” Katie replied.
“Well, don’t get too tired to go out socializing with the boys tonight.”
Katie forced herself to smile at his banter. If he only knew. Boys didn’t socialize with her.
The man pressed on. “Some good-looking young man you’re out with tonight? About as good-looking as me, eh?”
Katie laughed at the irony. Still, the situations in her life right now regarding her mamm and boys weren’t really funny at all. Katie smiled at the man and handed him his change. “Thank you for shopping at Byler’s,” she said.
The man nodded. Still chuckling, he pushed his grocery cart toward the front doors.
He was enjoying his own joke immensely, Katie thought as she watched him go. She turned back to her register, suppressing a sigh and forcing a smile for the older couple next in line. “Did you find everything you need?” Katie asked as she scanned the grocery items.
“Yes, we did,” the woman said. “And I must say this is the most awesome place to shop. We’re so pleased that you Amish make your baked goods and crafts available to us outside folk. I know we should all live simpler lives, but this is the second best, I suppose.”
“I’m glad you found everything,” Katie responded as she continued scanning.
“Bonnie cleans me out every time we come here,” the man grumbled. “Can you give us a little break on the prices? Perhaps do an impromptu sale day?”
Katie smiled. “I’m afraid I can’t do much about that.”
“Now don’t you mind Nelson one bit,” Bonnie said. “He’s just teasing. And I worked as hard for that money as he did, so he has nothing to complain about. And we get it all back and then some when we sit down to eat these wonderful pies and cinnamon rolls.”
Nelson patted his stomach and nodded. “This is where the money goes. But I must say it goes down right smoothly, so why should I complain? Besides, you can’t take the money with you, they say.”
Katie announced the total, and Bonnie reached into her purse for her checkbook. Nelson moved the bagged goods to their grocery cart while his wife wrote out the check and handed it to Katie. As the couple walked away, Nelson said over his shoulder, “See you next time, young lady.”
“You both have a good evening now,” Katie replied. She watched them go. They seemed so normal. What a contrast to her own situation. Could she possibly find the kind of love they shared by defying Mamm’s wishes? It was so hard to imagine. She checked out one final customer just as the two girls on the evening shift arrived. Mrs. Cole came out from her office to oversee the transfer. She motioned the remaining two customers in Katie’s line over to another register.
As Katie finished, she glanced over at Arlene, who had already reconciled her cash receipts and was getting ready to leave. Now if Mrs. Cole would find some way of keeping Arlene occupied for a few minutes until she could finish up and dash outside and get away that would be wunderbah. But of course that wasn’t going to happen. And even if it did, Arlene would be at her again tomorrow. If Arlene waited for her, Katie decided she might as well deal with it and get it over with.
Sure enough, a few minutes later when she left, Arlene was waiting for her outside.
“You know I want to speak with you,” Arlene said.
“Yah, I know,” Katie said, nodding to an Englisha couple climbing out of their car. The man had a camera draped around his neck. He looked like he would love to snap her picture, especially as she neared her buggy. Well, he would just have to live without achieving his wish. She wasn’t about to break more rules. Going to a Mennonite birthday party was going to be bad enough. When they arrived at their buggies, Arlene said, “Thankfully they’re not taking our picture. But perhaps we should talk where they can’t see us.”
“We’ll be out of sight over here,” Katie said, catching one final glimpse of the man with the camera as she walked behind her buggy.
“Now,” Arlene began, “you’re going to tell me what’s going on. What has Esther talked you into doing?”
Katie took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “Esther brought me an invite from a boy named Roy Coblenz. He wants me to come to his birthday party tomorrow night. He’s a Mennonite like Esther is—not an Englisha.”
“You’re going to a Mennonite youth gathering?” Arlene stared at her.
“Yah, and Esther offered to pick me up.”
“Wow! You’re going to a Mennonite party! I can’t believe it.” Arlene was glowing. “You’ve been keeping this news from me all day? I think it’s wunderbah you’re going. And here you had me all worried the other day about you consorting with Englisha boys. Now that would have been bad, but a Mennonite boy might just work
for you. I didn’t even know you knew any Mennonites that well.”
Katie was a bit surprised at Arlene’s attitude. But, after all, she was in her rumspringa, so maybe that accounted for it. “I don’t,” Katie said. “Apparently he saw me yesterday here at Byler’s and probably needs to fill his guest list or something.”
Arlene studied Katie for a few seconds. “You don’t seem all that happy about it. You should though. Getting invitations to Mennonite youth gatherings is a gut thing. I’ve been to some myself. You’ve never been before, but I can tell you it’s not a bad thing.”
“It’s Mamm,” Katie admitted. “She’ll never agree to this. I’m not even allowed to do rumspringa.”
“Oh, I forgot about that. She’s pretty strict, isn’t she? Are you sure she won’t budge on this?”
“I’m quite sure,” Katie said.
“Well, you’ll live through it,” Arlene said. “Your mamm will understand—after some time has elapsed. Just go home and tell her that someone invited you to a birthday party and that you’re going.”
“It’s not just that it’s a Mennonite party,” Katie said before moaning. “It’s worse because it’s a party for a boy. You don’t know what that will mean to Mamm.”
“She’ll be happy after she gets over the shock of her daughter finally growing up. All parents go through that. Mine did a few years ago, but they got over it.”
“Maybe,” Katie said, but she knew it wasn’t true in her case. She wasn’t about to say more to Arlene about Mamm and why she felt the way she did.
They walked around to Sparky, and Arlene helped Katie get him between the buggy shafts and hitched up. Then Katie headed home to face Mamm. She figured it would be one of the hardest things she’d ever do in her life.
Chapter Eleven
As Katie pulled into their lane at home, she saw Mamm standing beside the barn. When she drove closer, she noticed Mamm’s face appeared stern and her eyes were fixed on Katie’s buggy. Pulling to a stop, Katie let go of the lines. Her hands trembled as she climbed down using the buggy step.
Katie Opens Her Heart Page 6
