We all sat, the silence stretching into an uncomfortable tension, until I couldn’t take it anymore, and I had to ask the question that had plagued me for weeks.
“How’s Blair?”
Jackie sent me a kind look tinged with pity, as though it was obvious that my heart was somewhere outside of my chest . . . firmly ensconced in her sister’s fist.
“About as good as you look,” Jackie answered, her voice soft. “That’s kind of why we’re here.”
Maybe that was why Jackie was here, but I had no idea why Kate had come. She still hadn’t looked at me or spoken.
“She’s thinking of leaving D.C.,” Jackie continued, her words sending a knife through my chest.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“Because she loves you. Still.”
I looked up, hating the hope—that faithless bitch that had led me astray so many times—that filled me now. Hating the voice that had gone from a whisper to a scream—
She still loves you. Don’t let her go, you idiot.
“I don’t—”
I literally had no words. Nothing. I had pain and loss, and a heart that had abandoned me.
“She says she’s okay, but she’s not. She loves you, and she’s hurting, and no matter how hard she tries to put on a brave face, it’s obvious that she misses you.”
The idea of Blair feeling anything close to the way I felt now was almost more than I could bear.
“What do you want me to do?” I asked, my voice hoarse at the emotions scraping their way out, at the boulder lodged in my chest where my heart used to be.
“Do you still love her?” Jackie asked.
“I’ll love her until the day I die.”
Something flickered in Jackie’s eyes, as though I’d just given her the answer she wanted to hear.
“Then find her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you’ll fight for her. She doesn’t want anyone else. She only wants you.”
My mind raced as I tried to figure out what the fuck was the right thing to do.
“She wants you.”
Shock filled me as I turned and stared at Kate.
She held my gaze, whatever wall resided around her temporarily down. “She loves you. She chose you. Blair is the best person I know. If she sees something in you that she loves, then you have to believe that’s enough.”
“I don’t want to hurt her.”
Kate’s eyebrow arched. “Then don’t.”
She rose from her chair, Jackie mimicking her motions.
Kate headed to the door, giving me no choice but to follow.
She turned and faced me. “I’m sorry for what I did. I wrecked this, not you. Now I’m trying to fix it, because my sister loves you in a way I’ve never seen her love anyone. I was wrong. I thought I was protecting her, just like you think you’re protecting her now, but maybe we need to acknowledge that Blair’s stronger than we both give her credit for. She can take care of herself. Let her love you.”
Her words cut through me, and I just stood there in my hallway, wondering if all of the Reynolds women possessed this uncanny ability to steamroll me.
I loved her.
I’d thought loving her meant I couldn’t have her, that giving her up was the right thing to do. The only thing to do. But now I knew.
I would never give her up. I would turn myself inside out, work myself to the bone, sacrifice everything to be the man she wanted me to be, to earn her, to keep her.
I loved her. Nothing else mattered.
Blair
I headed home, having completed my first week volunteering with the nonprofit Will recommended in Arlington. He was right. I absolutely loved it. The kids had all lost a parent who’d served in the military, each of them at different stages of living with their grief. Our job was to do little things—take them on field trips, give them a place to go after school since most of them were now in single-parent homes. We filled in the gaps wherever we could, to honor the sacrifice their family had made.
I’d known I made the right choice minutes into my first day there. I was still planning to move, but now I knew the kind of job I wanted, and the kind of life I wanted to lead.
I walked down my street, digging my keys out of my purse, and froze.
Gray stood on the sidewalk staring at me.
It had been three weeks. Three weeks of trying to convince myself that what I’d felt for him hadn’t been real, that I could move on, that I’d meet someone else, someone who would make me happier than he had.
Three weeks of me failing miserably.
Gray stood in front of me, dressed in jeans, a navy blue sweater, and a khaki-colored raincoat. I’d spent the last few weeks trying to convince myself that he wasn’t as hot as I’d remembered, that surely the sight of him hadn’t been enough to set my body on fire.
I’d failed there, too.
He looked tired, like the time apart had been as hellish on him as it had been on me. And while I hated to see him in pain, it gave me hope that he finally understood what I’d known all along.
We belonged together.
He stopped a few feet away from me.
My eyes stung, my heart pounded. I probably should have been angry with him for leaving in the first place, upset for all he’d put me through. And I was, for like a second.
But he was here and I wanted to be happy. I’d seen firsthand the loss that my sister lived, watched her life be shattered in an instant, seen the people around me throw away happiness with both hands. It was the most underrated emotion in the world, but if life had taught me anything, it was that you only got so many chances to be happy. I wasn’t going to waste one chance.
I liked that I could be myself with him. That he didn’t try to change me or turn me into someone I wasn’t. I couldn’t pretend that he hadn’t hurt me, but I was too greedy to let that stand in my way.
You didn’t throw love away. You clutched it to your chest, fought for it, died for it, and kept it safe above all else.
He was here, and I wasn’t letting go.
Gray spoke first.
“Hi.”
I closed my eyes, letting his voice cloak me in its warmth.
They opened, and I drank in the sight of him standing in front of me once more.
“I missed you.” I probably should have led with something cool and breezy, but the confession just slipped out. Besides, with the emotions raging through me, I didn’t think I could achieve breezy if my life depended on it.
He moved closer, and closer, and then I was in his arms, and I couldn’t see anything beyond the tears filling my eyes, blurring the world around me.
He didn’t kiss me. Instead, he held me in his embrace as though he was afraid that if he let go, I’d disappear.
“I missed you, too,” he whispered, his voice rough. “So much.”
I pulled back slightly so I could see his face, needing to read the emotions in his eyes so I could understand.
“Why are you here? Why now?”
“I woke the fuck up.” His eyes clouded. “I’m so sorry. You were right all along. I should have believed in us. In the me I am when I’m with you. I should have known that we would be better together. I was trying to do the right thing, and I was wrong. I’m sorry.
“I’m sorry I let you go. I should have fought for you. I should have realized I was throwing away the best thing that had ever happened to me. I was scared, and I thought I was doing the right thing, thought that I needed to give you a chance to find someone who was better for you than I was.”
“I wanted you.”
He swallowed. “I know. I should have listened to you. I did what I thought was best for you without listening to you when you told me what you wanted. I was wrong, and I’m so sorry.”
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “What now?”
He brushed a strand of hair from my face. “Well, I heard you were looking for a fresh start. That you might be interested in leaving D.C.”
Surprise filled m
e. “Where did you hear that?”
“Your sisters.”
“Kate and Jackie talked to you?”
He nodded. “Kate apologized for Capital Confessions. And I think she and Jackie wanted to see for themselves that I was good enough for you.”
That sounded like Kate.
“And?”
“And they both told me that I was an idiot if I let you go, so I figured they approved. And they were right.” He released me and ran a hand down his jaw, his expression nervous.
“I’m thinking of moving to Boston,” he announced. “I need a fresh start. For the second time,” he added. “The press here is a bit more than I’d like if I’m going to go into private practice again.”
I froze. “You’re going back to private practice?”
He nodded. “I have a friend from law school who runs his own firm. He’s looking to take on a partner. Illinois and Massachusetts have reciprocity, so it’s not like I’ll have to retake the bar or anything.”
Boston wasn’t that far. I mean long distance would be a pain, but we could make it work. I understood his reasons for wanting to leave town better than anyone.
“I want you to come with me.”
What?
“To Boston?”
He nodded. “If Boston doesn’t work for you, we can find something else. Kate and Jackie mentioned that you’re looking for a job. There are a ton of nonprofits in the city, but if you want to go somewhere else, I’ll go with you. I just want to be with you. It doesn’t matter where.”
I was so ready for a change. I needed one. And I saw the life he offered me—could imagine coming home from work and cooking dinner for us, cuddling on the couch, falling asleep in his arms. This was my happy.
“If you don’t want to leave, we won’t,” he added. “But if you’re looking to start over, to get free of all of this political shit, I’ll be there with you. I love you.” His voice cracked. “You’re my home.”
A tear slid down my cheek.
“I love you, too.” I answered, my mind made up from the first moment I saw him standing in front of me. “Yes. I’ll go to Boston with you.”
“You’re sure?”
More tears fell. “Yes, I’m sure.”
I shook my head, emotion pouring through me with each word that left his lips.
“I want you. Only you. We work in a way that I’ve never worked with anyone else. Just love me.”
“I’ll spend every single day of our lives loving you,” he vowed.
Gray pulled me into his arms, his mouth finding mine, and gave me everything, his kiss, his heart, my future.
I kissed him on the sidewalk, on a busy street, in the middle of D.C., in the light, not caring who saw us or what they thought.
It was the best kiss we’d ever had.
Epilogue
This blogger has just received some documents that will make several members of a certain intelligence committee cringe. Ready for the latest scandal to rock D.C.? You’ll hear about it here first . . .
—Capital Confessions blog
Blair
Six Months Later
“Hi honey, I’m home,” I called out, shutting the front door behind me.
The sound of nails clattering across the hardwood floors hit me first, followed by the sight of a ball of fur hurtling toward me. I bent down and scooped the puppy up, letting her shower me with kisses.
Our town house in Boston had a small courtyard, and I’d always wanted a puppy, so a trip to the shelter had been a priority once we’d settled in. Her name was Gabby, and she’d been abandoned in a box behind a restaurant with four of her siblings. She was a Lab mix with a penchant for chewing on my heels, and her favorite activity was playing fetch with Gray in the park. We both adored her.
I set Gabby down, placing my keys and papers on the table near the entryway. I kicked off my shoes, shrugging out of my jacket, and went in search of Gray. I froze as soon as I hit the dining room.
The lights were off, candles lit on the table, soft music playing through the speakers. I grinned as I recognized the opening strains of “All I Ask of You” from Phantom of the Opera. It was half private joke, half our song, and totally us.
Gray stood next to the table, his tie and jacket off, the top button of his shirt undone, two glasses in hand, his feet bare. I didn’t drink in the house since I didn’t want to give him the added temptation, and by the look of things, he’d bought some kind of sparkling nonalcoholic drink. Seriously loved him.
“Happy anniversary.”
I blinked.
“What?”
He grinned, walking over to me and pressing a soft kiss against my cheek.
“It’s been a year since we met. Since the first day of classes when I saw you.”
Ohmigod.
So it had.
I wasn’t sure I would ever get used to how sweet he was. I’d seen pieces of it when I was falling in love with him, but it only grew the longer we were together. It was as though our relationship gave him the confidence to let his guard down and finally let me in.
It was better than I’d imagined.
We’d moved to Boston in March. Five months later, I still loved it. I’d been back to D.C. a few times to visit my family and friends, but it felt good to spend time with them and then return home with a buffer between us. I loved them, but Boston had become a sanctuary of sorts for me, and I couldn’t deny that I loved that, too.
“Happy anniversary,” I whispered, leaning in again for another kiss.
Gray nodded toward the table. “I ordered takeout. I figured it was safer than me trying to cook.”
I grinned. “I concur.”
This was my favorite tradition we’d started since we moved to Boston—eating dinner together and talking about our days. We didn’t manage it every day; there were still the odd times that one or both of us had to work late, but we made a point to be home to spend time together.
“So how was your day?” he asked after we’d sat down, digging into the salad I recognized from one of my favorite restaurants in the North End.
“Good. Busy. I’m working on a new proposal for more funding. We’re hoping to expand the center soon.”
I’d gotten a job working in children and family services for a small nonprofit. It was the perfect fit for me and I loved getting to work with the kids. Surprisingly, I’d even been able to put some of the things I’d learned in law school to use. Gray volunteered sometimes—hanging out with the kids or offering pro bono legal services.
“That’s awesome.”
I grinned. “Thanks.”
“By the way, your sister called.”
“Which one?”
“Jackie. She mentioned something about needing to get fitted for your dress for the wedding.”
“You up for a trip back to D.C.?” I asked. “We could go for the weekend. Maybe I can meet up with Kate for coffee or something. She sounded weird last time I talked to her.”
Things with my sister still weren’t back to normal, but planning Jackie’s wedding had smoothed some of the awkwardness between us. There was definitely something going on with her, but at least she’d quit blogging at Capital Confessions once she’d graduated college and started working for the CIA.
“Sure.”
“So what’s on the agenda for tomorrow?” I asked, threading my fingers through his free hand.
“Deposition in the morning. Then I have a few prospective client meetings in the afternoon. Then a meeting after work.”
He made a point of going to Narcotics Anonymous and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings at least weekly. We’d both been nervous about how he’d adjust with going back to private practice, but so far he seemed to be managing it well. Having his own firm helped. He shared office space with a partner, but they kept their practices separate and made their own schedules.
I knew there would still be times that he struggled, knew we both had parts of ourselves that we were still working on, but we loved ea
ch other, and supported each other, and somehow we made each other better.
I squeezed his hand. “I love you.”
Gray smiled at me, his gaze intent, the voice that had teased me, seduced me, warmed me, hoarse with emotion. “I love you, too.”
We came from such different worlds, had taken such different paths to get here, and yet we’d both been searching for the same things.
A family. A home. Peace.
And even though it didn’t look like I’d imagined it would, even though it wasn’t what my family had wanted for me, my future was here with Gray. I’d finally found exactly where I belonged—
And it was just perfect.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS
Thank you to my amazing agent, Kevan Lyon, and my editor extraordinaire, Kate Seaver. It’s such a privilege to work with both of you. Thanks to the entire team at Penguin for their support for the Capital Confessions series. I couldn’t have asked for a better home for these books.
Thank you so much to all of the bloggers and readers who have supported my career. Your enthusiasm for my writing means the world to me.
I’m so grateful for my wonderful family and friends. HUGE thanks to my husband who has fully embraced life with a writer on deadline. I couldn’t do any of this without your love and support.
And last but certainly not least, thank you to the University of South Carolina Law School Class of 2013. You guys made my law school experience so memorable, especially Michelle, for being there when I needed it most. This one’s for you.
Read on for a sneak peek at the next seductive
Capital Confessions novel …
Coming soon from Headline Eternal.
D.C.’s political elite is expected to attend this year’s concert at the U.S. Capitol to celebrate the Fourth of July. We can’t wait to see what scandals we uncover . . .
—Capital Confessions blog
Playing With Trouble Page 24
