‘We had sex three nights ago when he got home at four in the morning and pressed his hard-on into my back. Probably right after you’d sucked his cock if tonight’s performance is anything to go by.’ Her shocked face and audible gasp told me I was right. I held my breath and let it out in an attempt to keep contact with the reality that I was slowly losing hold of.
‘You fucking prick!’ she shouted.
‘Just go, Shelley! We’ll talk later,’ Jay replied as he turned his back on her, the woman he said meant nothing to him. I knew that wasn’t true. He wouldn’t risk the boys for nothing. It would be so much worse if he did.
‘I really feel sorry for you,’ she announced as she stood on the first step of the staircase to leave. I glanced at her heartbroken face and almost felt sorry for her until she pushed past me with her shoulder and handed me reality in a few short words. ‘He’s royally fucked me over, but at least I’m not bloody married to him.’
Chapter 1
Now…
Gem
Being let down is a lot like falling over. Everything transcends into slow motion and you can’t stop the fall. You just have to instinctively hold out your hands, let the worst happen and suffer the consequences later when you have to grit your teeth in preparation for the sting when sinking your grazed skin into the bath.
Yeah, being let down is just like that.
And then some.
I'd been divorced for just over a year, officially separated for four. It was, without doubt, the single biggest let down of my life. It surpassed the disappointment of my sperm donor—he didn't deserve the title of father—who decided he didn't want to know me even before I was the size of a grape. It transcended the controlling cruel to be kind nature of the grandfather who had taken on the role of father figure when there was no one else to fulfil the job. It far superseded when Mum didn't have the money for rent and we were sleeping on the floor of houses that belonged to people I didn't even know.
This was far worse. This was betrayal.
I’d celebrated the first anniversary of our divorce on my own, the kids with my mother-in-law, or ex-mother-in-law. I wasn’t sure how that worked now that we were officially divorced. Had I divorced her too? Fuck. My life was full of complications.
I spent the day watching trashy programmes about crazy bridezillas and clueless grooms planning weddings. Rolling my eyes at the TV became a pastime of the day. Yes, newlyweds can afford to be smug in the early days, but wait until they get pregnant and reality hits. Sleepless nights, stretch marks and a few extra curves had helped force the lid of our marriage coffin shut. Leaking boobs and slight hair loss banged in the final nails, but infidelity placed it in the ground and threw on a handful soil.
I had planned to spend the day reflecting on how far I had come and not focusing on the negatives. Theo and Brandon’s happiness and well-being were my top priorities, and remaining strong was something I had to do for them. The mask slipped occasionally, starting with the day after I’d caught Jay cheating and I cut our wedding picture in half with a bread knife. There was also the day he brought Shelley to the house to pick up the kids, ready to take them to the park like their own ready-made family minus the biological mother. Something had snapped inside me and I’d thrown his fish tank onto the front lawn. When he brought the kids home, I handed him the fish in a bag of water and told him he could have them as part of the divorce settlement.
When I’d started to reach a reality TV and Chinese food coma, Elle and Abi had knocked on the door clutching four bottles of wine, each representing a year Jay and I had been married, and a chocolate cake, which had One official year without the cheating loser! iced across the top. I couldn’t help but be reminded of the progress I’d made. Six weeks after our separation, I was found in the garden on the steps of my patio, drunk and sitting in my wedding dress, veil and everything, but slippers instead of heels.
If it wasn’t for my gorgeous boys, Theo and Brandon, and my best friends, Elle, Abi and Kate, I wasn’t sure where I would be now and what I would have done with myself. In the early days, running away would have been a good option if I hadn’t had the responsibilities to tie me down to one place.
My friends meant everything to me. I had met Elle on the first day of secondary school, both of us nervous and wide-eyed as we took in the scale of our new environment. We’d been inseparable since. She’d always been worldly wise despite her lack of life experience. It made her a great social worker and even better friend.
Abi, well, Abi was Abi. My kindred spirit. One of a kind. Our friendship was always destined to blossom into something momentous. We both shared a lack of brain to mouth filter, often saying the first thing that came into our heads and fucking the consequences. We shared a love of drinking, dancing and causing inappropriate mayhem. My mayhem causing days had long since slipped away under the titles of wife and mother, but Abi would always tease them out again on the rare nights I was able to join them on the town. When we were together, Jay didn’t like it. Now we were divorced, Jay could get fucked.
I’d been married three years before I met my other friend, Kate. She started working with Elle and Abi when they first qualified as social workers. Kate was a shining example of an all-round fabulous person, steady like a stream. Always there with the right words to pull me back up from the brink. She was travelling around Asia and I missed her so much the corners of my heart ached. She'd only been gone three weeks. Kate had met Danny, AKA sex on a stick, when volunteering at an art therapy centre. He hadn't swept her off her feet; he had picked her up, thrown her over his shoulder and hadn't put her down since.
Sometimes I found myself wondering where I fitted into the group. I was lagging behind, even in the early stages of our friendships. Elle was cleverer than me and more disciplined than I was to make something of herself. Not long after leaving school, I’d met Jay and fallen in love. Being a young wife had quickly turned into becoming a young mum. When Elle and Abi were discovering the thrills of wild weekends, I was changing nappies and soothing a very unsettled, poorly baby. Although I loved everything about being a mum, I still felt the tiny twinges of jealousy when I heard all about the escapades of booze-fuelled nights out.
The mix of all of that was not the greatest start to a budding marriage.
Whoever said you had to work at marriage was right. In regards to ours, just being there would have helped. Jay had taken on a dwindling pub and restaurant shortly after we were married. He’d said it was an opportunity he would have been mad to miss, and I’d wholeheartedly agreed, apart from the timing of it. I was an emotional, heavily pregnant wreck. When Theo finally arrived, Jay was on edge because he’d had to leave a busy night at the restaurant. He went back to work two hours later. Looking back, I think the transition during the early stages of the separation was somewhat easier for me because I had brought up the boys alone anyway. The restaurant had turned out to be Jay's pride and joy. Not our boys.
That’s what hurt the most. Any hurt or despair that I felt about us was secondary, insignificant, because the boys had a father figure when it suited Jay, which wasn’t often these days.
Our relationship had started well. I couldn’t get enough of the cheeky guy who always seemed to be in trouble. He was popular and always had a crowd around him. He could get away with anything with a flash of a smile and a witty one-liner. He’d scraped through college by his fingernails, an expectation of being thrown off his catering management course at every turn. He’d landed on his feet with a well-paid job and a company car. So typical of Jay.
I guess we looked perfect from the outside. Young romance, a passion-filled relationship, and a fairy-tale story of the pregnant newlyweds. Inside was different. Jay was the kind of man who brought home beautiful bouquets of flowers that looked amazing and made you feel special until you found the reduced price sticker on the label realising he'd grabbed them in a hurry and thought they’ll do.
When Theo was born, I felt guilty for being at home and not
contributing to the household finances. We’d agreed that I would give up my sales job to be a full-time mum. At first, it was fine. I adored Theo, but the lack of adult contact during a long day of early mornings and late nights had started to drive me insane. I’d started baking for something to do, but he'd tell me not to bother, that he'd bring home cakes from the restaurant because they weren't dry or tasteless. Slowly, he started to break me down. Changing me. Making me compliant and quiet. Turning me into someone I didn't recognise or want to be.
I was determined that I would never let that happen again.
I could come across as hard-faced when people first met me. My grandma used to call me the unfathomable girl. I didn't like to show my emotions because emotions only made me vulnerable. My mum always said I protected myself with too much steel, even well before Jay and I separated. I'd always put it down to never knowing my birth father. Mum had a one-night stand with a friend from college; nine months later, out I popped, ten pounds of attitude. Mum said that he wanted nothing to do with me, saying I would harm his plans to enjoy the rest of his life. That was strike one on my views of men. My grandfather with his fiery temper was strike two, and my ex-husband who became so focused on making the restaurant a success that we were all left behind, strikes three, four and five.
After our separation, I vowed to never let another man into my life again. But those thoughts seemed ridiculous now because I'd let two little men into my life. My children. My life. I often laughed when I thought about how ironic it was that men had always been a disappointing part of my life yet there I was raising two. If anything, it made me more determined to raise these boys into men who wouldn't mislay their moral compasses.
Chapter 2
Gem
Two weeks had passed since the anniversary. Two weeks since I had put the remnants of the divorce cake in the bin. Two weeks of laughter with the girls. Two weeks of cuddling my boys a little bit tighter before bed.
I wanted to move forward and think about what the future could hold for me. I was in a good place. I was considering going back to work, something I hadn’t done since Theo was born. I wanted to earn my own money and not rely solely on state benefits. It was important that I was a good role model to my boys, but also to have something outside of my family life to focus on, something for me. Brandon had just started school and I knew I didn't want to spend the day in the house alone.
I had also been chatting with a guy online.
Josh.
I'd dipped my toe into the shark-infested waters of online dating after we’d set Elle up on a dating website called Love is in the Air where she met Ben, the love of her life who she was marrying in the summer. I’d been single for over a year and their relationship had given me a huge dose of hope that online dating could actually work. I decided to try it, get some experience and have a bit of fun. So far, I'd had a handful of dates that could only be described as excruciatingly painful. After taking a break and deleting my profile, deciding that something about me seemed to attract weirdos who wanted to do unspeakable things to me, I had a fresh start.
New profile picture.
New bio.
New attitude.
I liked Josh’s profile from the beginning. He was a little bit older than me and worked as a teacher, and in no way did that lead my mind to wander into the future, thinking there was a possibility he may actually like my children. A picture of him mid-stride on the football pitch also didn't influence me. No, his thighs and calves didn't influence me at all.
OK, they sealed the deal.
But the main reason I contacted him was his beautiful smile. To me, it subtly conveyed a message that he just seemed like a nice guy. I needed nice. Although I was ready to move forward, I was still tentative and scared. I didn’t have a great deal of dating experience, and there weren’t just my needs to think about; there was also the kids to consider in all of this.
But so far, things were good. Really good. That is, if you can count virtual reality dates over instant messaging as good.
We hadn’t reached the stage of meeting in person yet.
I went to take my mug into the kitchen. The boys had been quiet since I settled them to sleep twenty minutes ago. Sometimes it took them a while to finally drift off, so I decided to check on them before having a bath and getting ready for bed. I collected a pile of Theo’s football books from the table and stopped as I heard the front door open and close with a bang. I stood still in the kitchen, peering around the door, fiddling with my necklace, cursing myself for not locking the door, chastising myself for being a crap mum and not keeping safety at the forefront of my mind. I eyed the iron sitting on the table, grabbed it and held it above my shoulder, waiting to strike whoever was in my house before they took the contents of my purse. Two pounds fifty wouldn't get them far, but still.
‘Gem.’
Bloody hell.
‘What are you doing in my house, Jay?’ I asked as he smirked when I lowered the iron.
‘You really should lock the door. It’s dark and there’s just you and the boys here.’ He had a talent for stating the obvious.
‘A burglar would have been preferable.’
‘Funny.’
‘You need to knock. This isn’t your house anymore,’ I said, slipping my hands into my back pockets.
‘I pay the mortgage.’
‘You give me money that happens to go towards the mortgage.’
‘That’s what I said.’
‘What do you want?’ I asked, frustrated that he always had an answer.
‘I wondered if I could have the boys next weekend. I’m not on shift; someone is covering for me at the restaurant.’ I crossed my arms and shook my head as he sighed. ‘What?’
‘You don’t know?’ I replied.
‘No, but I'm sure you're going to tell me.'
‘You haven’t seen them for two weeks, Jay. You can’t just turn up and expect them to pick up their things and go with you. Do you know how much you hurt them when you don’t turn up or you end a phone call because you’re too busy to ask them how their day was?’ I said, my nails digging into my arms under the pressure to rip him to shreds.
‘What do you want me to do? I work. Unlike you.’
I huffed out a laugh and brushed past him. ‘I take care of our children. You should be on your knees worshipping me, not shaming me because I don’t work.' A flush crept across his cheeks. Finally, I had hit him where it hurt. I desperately wanted him to step up and be a father, but there had to be boundaries and rules in place if this was going to work. ‘You can have them next weekend under one condition.'
‘Which is?’ he asked.
‘You come and see them through the week. Take them out for tea or do the bedtime routine. Bath them. Read them a story. That way, you’ll be forgiven by them and I’ll feel happier that they actually remember who their father is.’
Chapter 3
Gem
‘Where have you been? Kate hasn't got long,’ I said to Abi as I opened the door, the door that was now permanently locked to stop any unwanted visitors creeping in.
‘I know; I’m sorry. I'm experiencing that beautiful soreness you only get after having seven orgasms before breakfast,’ she smiled.
‘I hate you. Seven? I was lucky to wash my bits this morning, let alone direct a penis there.’
‘I didn't need to know that,’ said the queen of the inappropriate delivery. Abi was experiencing the bliss of second chance love with Jamie, the only man who knew how to handle her. He was also Elle and Kate’s social work manager, which often led to some uncomfortable discussions about his ability to make Abi come seven times in the space it took to make a bacon sandwich for breakfast.
Abi hung up her coat in the hallway and we both went through to Elle, who was crouching down in front of her iPad talking to Kate on FaceTime from Asia.
‘She's been delayed by too much sex,’ I said as we joined Elle.
‘I don’t need to know about Jamie’s magic d
ick. It makes for an uncomfortable team meeting,’ Elle replied.
‘Oh, shush. He does have a magic dick and there's no such thing as too much sex. Oh my God, Kate! You look so good! Amazing! Are you OK? You'd tell us if you weren't, wouldn’t you?’ Abi asked.
‘I'm fantastic. I'm missing you all but the stunning scenery and warm climate are making up for it,' Kate replied, tongue firmly in cheek.
‘Where's Danny?’ Elle asked. Kate turned her phone and pointed to a figure on the beach. He was sitting cross-legged with a sketchpad in his hand.
‘He loves it here. I can feel him relaxing more every day, but at the same time, he has this incredible energy. He's talking more about what he wants to do when we get back to the UK. It's exciting to see him so positive,' she replied.
‘Tell him we’d like to hear more about his plans when he returns because that means you're coming home to us,’ Abi laughed.
‘I'm coming home to attend the wedding of the year!’
‘It's only going to be small. Nothing fancy; just us and the people we love,’ Elle blushed.
‘Sounds perfect, Elle,' Kate smiled. She was surrounded by brilliant blue sky and I could hear the faint lull of the waves meeting the sand in the background. She was wearing a black bikini top and had necklaces made of tiny seashells around her neck. She looked beautiful, tranquil. Happy. ‘Where's Gem gone?' Kate asked.
‘I'm here.’ I popped up from behind Abi's shoulder and waved at the screen.
‘I want to hear about Josh.’ A chorus of wolf whistles and a round of laughter later and I was finally able to talk.
‘Thank you for asking politely and not turning into a teenager like these two.’ I pushed Abi and she fell into Elle.
‘Tell me about your date,’ Kate prompted.
Let Me Be Your Last Page 2
