“Oh. My. God.” Tess sputters in disbelief for a couple seconds after hearing about Ryan’s kiss. “What are you gonna do?”
“I don’t know. Ryan told me to call him when I figure it out.”
Silence crackles over the phone line for a minute, long enough for me to quickly replay Ryan’s words and actions over in my head again. As uncomfortable as it is to admit to myself, I did spend most of the flight and the drive home from the airport thinking things over, drowning in furious pleasure every time I brought up the memory of that kiss.
“Carmella? You okay?”
Moxley rubs against my shin, and I reach down to scratch behind his ears with my free hand. “Yeah, I just . . .”
Half-stooped with my fingertips hovering above Moxley’s head, I stare at the picture on my computer screen. It’s one from San Juan, when Ryan and I explored El Morro. We had asked another tourist to take some pictures of us, posing in the archway of a garita on one corner of the old fort. Ryan stands at attention, right hand snapped in a salute while he pulls his best United States Marine expression. Beside him, I’m about to double over in laughter, but the look on my own face makes me stop breathing.
“You just what?” Tess prompts.
“Carmella, you idiot.” The computer chair spins across the hardwood floor as I shove away from the desk. I almost trip over Moxley in my haste to get to the mantle. I snatch up the picture of Ryan, Sadie, and me, staring slack-jawed.
“What? Carmella?”
Wandering back to the computer, I compare the picture in my hand with the one on the screen. For years, I thought Ryan was looking at Sadie in that old snapshot from college. But he’s not.
He’s looking at me.
And that same expression of adoration is plastered all over my face as I look at him in the photo from San Juan.
“Hello?”
My jaw works for a second or two, and I feel dizzy. Then I set down the college photo and clear my throat.
“Tess, I think I’m in love with Ryan.”
A clicking sound comes over the line, like she’s tapping one fingernail against her phone. “Are you sure?”
“Pretty sure.”
A brief pause. Then keys jangle through from her end. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes with pizza, Coke, and Snickers bars.”
I sprawl across my couch, one arm over my eyes. MaMére sits in my recliner with the foot rest up and my cat curled in her lap. Tess ran into her downstairs and enlisted her as reinforcements.
Tess, at the computer, clicks through my San Juan pictures. Every so often, she mutters something, or gives a short hmph. Finally, she leans back in the computer chair and pops open another can of Coke.
“I think you have to call him.”
Lifting my arm, I stare at her, then glance at the pizza, three-quarters gone, two empty Snickers wrappers, and five Coke cans littered across my coffee table. “Can’t I just avoid it and spend the next six months living on pizza and chocolate instead?”
“No. Among other things, you’ll gain thirty pounds.” She stands, drawing a long sip from her can, and returns to the couch. Lifting my feet, she plops down. “MaMére, you agree with me, right?”
“You should call this boy,” MaMére says. “Tell him you feel the same as him.”
With a groan, I sit up and pull my knees toward my chest, ankles crossed. “I can’t just call him, you guys. He’s Sadie’s ex.”
MaMére huffs. “Seems to me, if Miss Sadie didn’t want him and he wants you, there’s no good reason not to call. You let the devil in, so now you have to deal with him.”
“Exactly.” Tess frowns. “I think.” She reaches over to squeeze my forearm. “Besides, he’s also your friend. That’s not over and done with.”
“Isn’t it? If there’s one thing I did figure out this week, it’s that my friendships with Sadie and Ryan are both at an end.”
“Only if you let them be.” Tess sets her soda can on the coffee table. “Okay, let me ask you a different question. You said Ryan said he’s loved you since day one. You seriously never picked up on that?”
“I had no reason to. I thought the hand massages and hugs and being escorted to meetings and stuff at night was just Ryan being Ryan. Looking back on it, I see how everything he ever did hinted at how he felt. But at the time, I never thought he was interested in me. At all.” I flop against the arm of the couch.
“And none of it ever gave you tingles?” she asks.
“Not that I remember. I know it always made me feel safe, relaxed. It told me I was important to him.” I turn in my seat, propping my heels on the coffee table. “I definitely had some serious tingles this week, every time he touched me. I thought it was just me wanting reassurance things weren’t going to change, or something. But now I wonder if it was really me waking up.”
“Hmmm.” MaMére taps her chin with one finger. “Did he continue to do all these things—the massages, hugs, walking you places—after he started seeing Miss Sadie?”
I shake my head. “He did at first, when they were still keeping it casual. But after they made it exclusive, it all pretty much stopped. Except walking me places at night. But he did the same for Sadie, too.”
“Then that was just him being protective,” Tess says. “So to the outside observer, the fact that he stopped attempting any physical contact with you, however slight, would seem to prove he wasn’t interested in you anymore. But you know him better than that.”
My mouth drops open, but I rethink my response. “He’s loyal. He’s an honorable guy. He was committed to Sadie and wouldn’t have done anything to hurt her.” I level a look of conviction on both of them in turn. “He did love Sadie.”
“Just not as much as he loves you,” Tess concludes.
MaMére nods. “So, now it’s up to you, Carmella.”
Groaning, I lift a pillow to my face. “It’s not that simple! How can I say anything to him without totally betraying Sadie?”
Tess pulls the pillow away. “You said she knew and doesn’t blame you.”
“Yeah, but―”
“Of course, she wasn’t expecting him to show up at her wedding.” She smacks me with the pillow. “But you said she pretty much arranged for you guys to be together on that flight and in San Juan.”
I glare at her, grabbing the pillow back and hugging it to my chest. “So?”
“Sounds like permission to me,” MaMére says.
“Me, too,” Tess agrees. “She set it up so he’d have an opportunity to tell you the truth. And if you think about it, you owe it to Sadie to tell him the truth, too.”
Ignoring my stutters of protest, she digs my phone out from under some napkins and shoves it into my hand.
“Call him.”
“I can’t.”
With an exasperated growl, she takes my phone back and swipes her fingertip across the screen.
After a few taps, I realize what she’s doing. “Oh, my God, don’t you dare!”
“Too late.”
She tosses the phone back at me, and I stare at the caller ID. When the screen changes to indicate the call is connected, I whip the phone to my ear on reflex.
“Hey, this is Ryan. I can’t get to my phone right now . . .”
“It went to voicemail.” I lower the phone.
“Leave a message!” Tess and MaMére order in unison.
I start pacing as his greeting ends. Then I hear the beep. “Hey, Ry. It’s Carmella. I hope you got back home okay.” Grimacing at my overly cheerful tone, I shake my head. “I’m not calling for that. I just . . .”
Spinning, I glance at Tess, who gestures for me to continue.
I sigh and cover my eyes. “I’ve been thinking a lot about what happened, about what you said. And I think I know how to a
nswer your question. But it’s not gonna be all cut and dry, and . . .”
My voice dies. I face Tess and MaMére and lower the phone a little.
“I can’t do it like this,” I hiss.
MaMére closes her eyes and shakes her head, but Tess stands up and points an admonishing finger at me. “Carmella Sannarelli, you need to finish this call.”
“I can’t. Not like this. ” I raise the phone to my ear again. “I’m sorry, Ry. Forget I called.”
Tess actually shrieks when I hang up. “What are you doing?”
“The devil brings fear where no fear needs to go,” MaMére murmurs.
We stare at her for a second, then Tess turns to me. “If you don’t tell him you love him, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. He put his heart right out there for you to see. He all but handed it to you on a silver platter.”
“Dolphin platter,” I whisper.
“What?”
“Never mind.”
My phone vibrates. Ryan’s smile beams up at me from the display. A lump rises in my throat.
Tess moves closer, arms folded. “Answer it,” she says gently.
Drawing a deep breath, I take the call. “Hello?”
“Carmella, don’t hang up!” Ryan pleads.
I let my breath out in a long rush. “Okay. But hang on just a minute.”
Pressing my phone against my chest to mute the sound, I glance at Tess and MaMére. I’ll never get anything coherent out of my mouth in front of them. MaMére’s eyebrows shoot high above her glasses as I approach her.
“Can I please have my cat?”
She offers Moxley with an understanding smile, and I gather him awkwardly in my arms before retreating into my bedroom.
Kicking the door shut behind me, I settle on my bed, legs folded pretzel-style with Moxley in the middle, and raise the phone to my ear again. “Hi. Sorry. I had an audience.”
“That’s okay. I’m sorry I didn’t catch your first call.”
“Probably better you didn’t.”
He pauses, waiting for me to speak. When I don’t, he starts the conversation. “So, you’ve been thinking.”
“Yeah.” I curl my body over Moxley, hooking my free arm closer around him, fingers seeking the comfort of his fur. Normally he hates this, but he must sense my tension. He goes very still. Just the tip of his tail twitches at my knee. “It’s a lot to process.”
“But you have processed it.”
“Yeah. But can I ask you something?”
“Anything you want, Carmel-cakes.”
The endearment brings unexpected tears to my eyes. I force a little cough to hide the hitch in my voice. “Sadie told me you two started dating after you realized I wasn’t interested.”
“That’s true.”
“Well, how did you know I wasn’t? You never asked me.”
“You―” He cuts himself off, and the sound of chair legs scraping on concrete filters over the phone. “Were you interested?”
“I can’t say for sure.” A careful answer, but a true one. “I think I always just assumed you were being friendly, showing me you cared. Nothing more than that. Not that you were in love with me, that’s for sure. And I always assumed your focus was on Sadie from the beginning. Everyone’s was.”
“You always thought you were in her shadow. No, that’s not really it,” he amends. “You and Sadie were two sides of the same coin. It’s just that you were content to be the unseen side. And she wanted everyone to notice her.”
I frown. “That makes her sound so self-centered. You and I both know that’s not true. Not really.”
He makes a low sound in his throat, like he’s trying to think. “I know. There isn’t a good way to explain it. She’s—flash and sizzle. You’re a constant.”
Moxley lets out a soft mew, and I ease my hold on him. “That’s kind of how I always thought of you.”
His chuckle rumbles over the line. “People can’t help seeing Sadie. But the thing is, I saw you first. I saw you standing up to a guy almost twice your size, getting between him and your best friend. And I admired you for having that kind of courage and loyalty, and you probably never even knew you had it.”
“Ryan, that’s not really what happened.”
“Maybe not. But it’s what I saw. And when he put his hands on you, I lost my mind. I never even saw him go at Sadie. All I saw was you flipping over a bush, and there was no way I wouldn’t take him down for it.”
I have to laugh a little myself. “You know what? I always thought you tackled him because he was about to go after Sadie.”
Now it makes sense, why he manhandled Josh at the wedding. He thought I was being threatened.
The laughter fades, and my heart feels a little hollow. “I had no reason to think a guy like you would even see me when Sadie was around.”
“Why the hell would you think something like that? What you do mean, a guy like me?”
My breath catches in my chest. Tears stir again. “Tall, handsome, thoughtful, smart. Do I have to keep going?”
“I wouldn’t mind it if you did.”
A new realization hits me. “You know what? I think you’re the reason I’ve never dated anyone since college for more than a few weeks at a time. Nobody else could measure up.” I bite my lip hard enough to wince. “Nobody else was you.”
Chair legs scrape on concrete again. “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”
I cover my eyes with my free hand, fighting the burn there. “Here’s the problem, though, Ry. You did pick Sadie. You did love her, and she loved you. And even though I never knew it, I was always between you. Your relationship never had a chance because of me. It’s just as bad as if I’d had an active role in it.”
He tries interjecting. But between the pounding of my heart and the shudders as I hold back my sobs, I can’t listen to him.
“Right now, I can’t see around the fact that Sadie knew it. She fought it, and I know you fought it, too. And the shitty thing is, it could’ve all been avoided if you’d just told me nine years ago that you loved me, that you wanted me, not Sadie. We both betrayed her.”
“Don’t say that. At least not about yourself.”
Tears leak from behind my fingers, trailing down my cheeks and dropping onto Moxley’s head. “So it doesn’t matter if you love me and I love you.”
He falls silent for a moment. “You do love me.”
“Way more than a friend,” I admit. “I think I always did, I just didn’t know what it was.”
“But you do now. So now we can figure this out.”
“No, we can’t. At least I don’t see how. Not when knowing this is so new, and I feel so totally guilty for what Sadie’s had to live with all these years. It doesn’t make any difference whether she blames me, or forgives you, or is married and moved on.” I sniff, rubbing my nose on the back of my hand. “I know this isn’t what you want to hear. But I think I need time.”
“What?”
“We should take time. You should figure out what you’re doing with your house and your job, and you should date somebody who isn’t me or Sadie.”
“I don’t want―”
“And I should be researching grants and fellowships,” I plunge on, “so I can go to grad school and find a way out of this holding pattern I’ve been in since college.”
“Don’t ask me to let you go. Not now, not when I’m finally free to have you.”
Desperation tinges his words. I picture his eyes, the melted semi-sweet chocolate gaze that almost brought me to my knees two days ago.
“Carmel-cakes―”
“I don’t think you should call me that anymore, Ry.” I squeeze my eyes shut and briefly press my palm over my lips to stifle a sob.
A thud echoes over the line, as if he dropped something or slammed his hand down on a table. “I’m not giving you up.” His voice shakes.
“I’m sorry.”
“Please, Carmella. Don’t hang up. I love y―”
Moxley crawls out from between my legs and rubs his head against the back of my hand. I stare at my phone, my thumb hovering over the screen, the display blinking, Call ended.
Dropping it onto the bed, I flop over, dimly aware of my door swinging open. I twist around, meeting Tess’s concerned gaze as she and MaMére hover in the doorway.
“You need anything, Yankee-girl?”
My lower lip quivers as I shake my head. “Nothing I can have.”
“Only because you won’t let yourself have it.”
Overwhelmed and exhausted, I give in to my tears, burying my face in the bedspread. MaMére murmurs something indistinct, then Tess swoops down, hugging me from behind.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”
“It’s okay,” I blubber. Pushing myself up, I turn to her and scrub my hands over my face. “I’ll be fine. It’s not like I actually had a real claim on him or something.”
She shakes her head, a half-smile playing on her lips. “If you keep telling yourself that, you’ll end up getting over him. And that might not be what you want in the end, Sannarelli.” She runs one hand over my hair to smooth it down. “I’ll clean up and head home. MaMére will lock the door. I’ll stop over tomorrow, okay?”
“Yeah. Thanks.”
“Okay.” She peers into my eyes, a little skepticism in hers. “Call me if you need anything tonight. You hear me?”
Better Than Chocolate (Sweet Somethings Book 1) Page 15
