I sat back. “Well… I mean…”
“Oh Eddie…”
“I did, but… didn’t. She wasn’t even coming from the perspective though. She called it quits, because she felt like I didn’t feel the same. She didn’t ask me, didn’t try to press her point, anything. It was just… “You poisoned me with these feelings. And the antidote is not having to look at your face.””
Viv’s mouth dropped open. “She said that?”
“Basically.”
“It is beautifully stated.”
“Viv!”
“What?!”
“Whose side are you on?!”
She shrugged. “Love. I mean… justice. I mean… yours? I think. You know this situation is hard for me, because I have been in a similar place. Carter and I were sleeping together, eating together, laughing together, like a couple. Cultivating. And then when I expressed my feelings… he pushed me away.”
“But that’s not the case here. She expressed her feelings, and then she pushed me away.”
“Because she feels – fears – that they are not reciprocated. Because they were not communicated. Because instead of learning from my mistake, you thought you would just go with the flow, and let the chips fall where they may.”
I shook my head. “I was learning from your mistake. Things were going fine for you and Carter, and Simone and I told you to leave it alone, just chill. But you did your own thing. You asked him “what are we” and he hit you with “I didn’t ask for your heart”.”
“Right,” she said, with narrowed eyes. “And tell me… how is your way, just “chilling”, working out for you?”
I stared at her for a second, then nodded. “Again… touché.”
“It is not about that – I am saying to you, if you truly feel she is different, that this could be something, then… possibly this is another “grown up” Eddie thing. Old Eddie maybe would have called it done. Let it go, let the possibility of something really special slip away. Perhaps “New Eddie” is wiser.”
I chuckled. “That’s the hopeless romantic in you talking.”
“Maybe,” she laughed. “I cannot lie… I love love, so of course I want to see it happen for the people that I care about. Especially my “never gonna settle down” friend,” she teased, with a smile. “But… it not entirely selfish. I have seen you change over these last few months. Seen you develop. And I know that it is not only because of her, but I know that she has had a hand, however inadvertent, in it. Her influence has been good for you, and I think you are better for it. And really… what more could you want?”
Damn.
When she said it like that...
“That’s the thing, though. I don’t know,” I told her, shaking my head. “It’s like… When she and I had that conversation, there wasn’t really too much I could say, because I don’t know how I feel my damn self.”
“So then you need to examine that. I doubt she is looking for the moon and stars from you Eddie, at least not right now. It is clear to me that you care for her, quite a bit. Otherwise – this conversation would not even be happening. Astrid does not strike me as a “strict definition” kind of girl. She probably just needs to know that just as she is feeling… something. You are feeling something too.”
I pushed out a sigh, and slouched back in the booth, draining the last of my jack and coke. “That might be easier said than done, Frenchy.”
“Yes, maybe so. But that is part of it. Ask yourself if you care enough to make the effort. I am not suggesting that you buy her diamonds, or get a sky writer, or any other grand, romantic thing, just… make the effort.”
“I mean… I’m not too cool to admit I care enough to make an effort. I just have no idea – at all – what the hell I’m doing. This is uncharted water for me. Can I get some suggestions or something, damn?”
Viv laughed, and shrugged. “I do not really have any suggestions, I am sorry.”
“Come on now,” I groaned. “What was it that did it for you?”
She rolled her eyes. “You know what did it for me – you are the one who recorded it, remember?”
“The poem? Well, shit, that’s a bust, cause I can’t do any damn spoken word.”
She smiled. “Maybe not, but… you are a talented man, Eddie. You can figure something else out.”
&
Astrid
“So you know this is kinda scary, right?”
I finished sanitizing the last mat, pulling it in front of the window to dry before I looked up at where Quinn and Sydnee were standing in the door. “What are you talking about,” I asked, directing the question at Syd, who’d been the one to speak.
“You,” she answered, stepping inside the classroom. “This mood you’ve been in, all… subdued, and somber. It’s not like you, and I’m not a fan.”
I let out a wry laugh. “Yeah, well… neither am I.”
“Okay,” Quinn chimed in. “So… are you going to tell us what’s going on with you, or not? Cause you being less-than-bubbly honestly feels like an extinction level event.”
This time, I let out a real laugh, which was probably Quinn’s goal with that comment. Around me, for everyone else, life had gone on, the earth had remained on its’ axis. For me though… everything was off.
Because of Eddie.
Well… not because of Eddie, as if I were blaming him. I didn’t blame him at all. But the fact of the matter was, I’d shared so many facets of my simple life with him that he’d permeated everything, and now, his absence felt… cavernous. I found no peace on my mat, no enjoyment when my smoothies hit my tongue. When I looked at myself in the mirror, my eyes invariably went straight to my beloved tattoo that I’d wanted for so long.
It all made me think about him, but I didn’t want to think about him.
I wanted his scent out of my nose, the feel of his touch off of my skin, I wanted the memories gone. Maybe then, if only… it wouldn’t hurt like it did.
But no, I didn’t blame him. My current pain, current state of mind, was all self-inflicted.
“I’ll be fine y’all. Really,” I said, hoping I actually sounded reassuring.
But Sydnee shook her head, then grabbed me by the arm, pulling me down to the floor with her, and Quinn joined us, in a cross-legged position. “Okay,” Syd said, crossing her arms as she looked at me. “Enough of this. When it was me and Harlan, you were the main one wanting me to talk it out with you guys, and that really helped. So… let us do the same thing for you?”
“What makes you figure it has something to do with a relationship?”
Syd rolled her eyes. “Because you were clearly with someone, and now you’re clearly not. And clearly heartbroken about it. So… what’s up?”
I pushed out a sigh. Emotional exhaustion had been so heavy on me since that last conversation with Eddie that I didn’t even have the energy to do mental gymnastics with my friends about this. Especially since… they were my friends.
What the fuck was I really keeping secrets for anyway?
“It’s not a big deal,” I said, after another harsh sigh. “Simply put, I caught feelings in a situation where I shouldn’t have. I realized it, so… I ended the situation. And it hurts. The end.”
Syd and Quinn shared a glance, then looked back at me.
“Wow…” Quinn mused. “Just… just like that? Just, bam, ended? What did they say? They didn’t want to try? You didn’t want to just see what happened?”
I shook my head. “There was nothing to see. When someone wants you, it isn’t ambiguous. They’ll be clear about it. Especially a man like him, and he wasn’t, so…”
“Well that’s not always accurate,” Syd chimed in. “Maybe he was scared.”
“Or already thought he was expressing it. Just maybe not in a way you expected his feelings for you to manifest,” Quinn added.
“Or,” I said, holding up a finger. “Maybe it was just a good time to him. Which is the most likely answer, considering that he hated me from the moment
he laid eyes on me anyway.”
“Oh my God,” Syd gasped, and I tipped my head back, laying backward on to the floor and closing my eyes. Shit. I hadn’t meant to say that part out loud. “This is about Eddie?”
When I opened my eyes again, both Syd and Quinn were hovering over me, peering into my face.
“Blink once for no, twice for yes,” Quinn said. “Is this about Eddie?”
I blinked twice.
“Oh my God,” Syd repeated, and then repeated one more time, cupping her head like she was afraid it was going to explode. “How did – when did – when in the world were you going to tell us?!”
I snorted. “Never, if I could help it. Precisely because of this.”
“Wow,” Quinn whispered, on the other side of me. “This is super fascinating. I… have so many questions! How did the two of you get past that contentious energy? How long has this been going on? Does it freak you out that he’s been with men? Were you ever afraid that you could never fully satisfy him?”
I rolled my eyes. Only because this was Quinn.
“Sex. A couple of months. No – I’ve been with men too. No – I’m fucking amazing. Which… apparently didn’t matter, because he was hugged up with other people right in plain view for me to see.”
Syd sucked her teeth. “And that bothered you, Ms. FreeLove?”
I frowned. “What?”
“Don’t what me girl. I thought you didn’t get jealous? Your whole “thing” was that your time with a person was your time, and what they did after that… you didn’t really care?”
“Right,” I laughed. “Any other time, that would be true, but let’s rewind back to “I caught feelings when I shouldn’t have.”
“Oh. Oh, shit.”
“Right. Oh, shit.”
“Wait,” Quinn chimed in. “Maybe… it wasn’t what it looked like, you know? I mean, was he really hugged up, or—”
“Quinn, baby girl it doesn’t matter,” I interrupted her, sitting up on my elbows. “I’m not mad at him. It doesn’t matter if I saw what I saw, or saw it wrong, or whatever. The thing that matters is – I caught feelings, when I should not have. And it was warm, and satisfying, and nourishing, and gorgeous… until it wasn’t. Until I got my damn feelings hurt. And now I know – I don’t like having my damn feelings hurt. So… I appreciate your efforts, but I don’t want to fix this, because I don’t want to do this. We’d been seeing each other for like three months, and weren’t even official. My feelings were new, still budding. I don’t think I was “there” yet. Maybe something like love, but not love quite yet, and still… this fucking hurts. I can’t… I can’t imagine more than this. Don’t want to feel more than this, don’t want anybody to have the power to make me feel like this. Eddie wasn’t even trying to hurt me, and look.”
I was practically panting by the time I finished my little diatribe, and Quinn and Sydnee exchanged another look.
“What?” I asked, confused, and Quinn shook her head.
“That’s… I mean, you’re entitled to feel how you’d like, and do what you’d like, but… that view is very surprising, from you. I would never expect you to shy away from the deep connection of love because it might… hurt.”
Syd nodded. “Yeah. What’s she’s saying is… your excuse is weak. Yes, it hurts sometimes, no it’s not always peaches and cream, but you’re really going to tell me that you would honestly give back those other moments? That there was anything else like that in the world?”
“I… no, I guess not, but—”
“And besides,” she continued, like I hadn’t said anything. “Are you really going to sit here and be all woe is me, love don’t live here anymore over what could honestly be a misunderstanding? I mean… how does he feel?”
“If how comfortable he was with that girl in his lap was any indication—”
“Don’t assume,” Quinn remarked, pushing her glasses up on her face. “Or if you have to, let’s at least look at it critically. You said you caught feelings when you shouldn’t have, which I take to mean you two weren’t official. And if you two weren’t official, maybe he felt no need to change the behavior that is certainly nothing new for Eddie – somebody is always in his face.”
Sydnee nodded. “That’s true. And… was the girl actually in his lap, or was she just really close to him.”
I rolled my eyes. “Okay, maybe not in his lap, but close enough that she definitely wasn’t a stranger. And that doesn’t explain him hitting me with the “homey head nod” like I was nobody.”
“Do you mean, visually acknowledging you across a crowded lounge while not being rude to the person he was talking to?” Quinn asked.
“Y’all are getting on my nerves. Will you make your point so I can close up the studio and go home and get in my bed?”
Syd laughed. “Uh, that’s not what you’re doing tonight, you’re coming out with us. And the point I was trying to make is that you’re giving up on even the possibility of love before you’ve even given it a chance, and that’s wack. You’re not wack. Don’t be wack.”
I sighed. “I’m not trying to be wack! But… I’m twenty-seven years old, and I’ve never experienced this until now. Never had those strings touched, let alone tugged, by anybody. I’ve never been interested, never wanted it, never even fantasized about it. And now, all of a sudden, here’s this man that just… sends all of my senses into a frenzy, in a way that feels… impossibly right. I don’t get it. I don’t understand it. I don’t want anything to do with it.”
“Breathe in faith, friend,” Syd said, with a little smile. “And breathe out fear. Isn’t that what you tell us at the beginning of the Monday classes?”
Across from her, Quinn giggled. “Sounds like somebody needs to take her own advice.” She reached over to cover my hand with hers, and Sydnee did the same on the other side. “If it’s not Eddie, fine. It’s not about him – it’s about you. You always do so much affirming for us, seeing the beauty and strength in everything and everybody else, but maybe… you need somebody to do that for you too.”
“Yep,” Syd agreed. “Something my mother told me, after Harlan and I got engaged – to remember that love, and marriage, isn’t always going to be about making us happy. Sometimes it’s going to be about building us, and refining our edges, making us stronger, and wiser. Love – and not just the romantic kind – isn’t something to hide or shy away from. It’s… character development. And you are anything but flat and boring, Asteroid.”
I smiled at her use of the nickname, even though I knew she didn’t understand the significance it held for me now. I didn’t say it out loud, but their words resonated with me, and even brought me back to the sketch I’d seen in Eddie’s book. How even though it was me, something about it had been foreign.
Something he saw in me, that I didn’t see in myself.
Maybe that something had been those unidentified feelings… and maybe I wasn’t seeing it because subconsciously… I was scared, even though I’d charged into this thing with me and him like a deer in headlights. Knowing it was dangerous, but powerless to try to move until it was too late. I was hit, and wounded.
Then I got up and ran.
But… running wasn’t even my nature.
So then what the hell are you doing, Astrid?
Maybe Eddie wasn’t the love of my life. Maybe he was just the gateway drug. But it was silly of me to be so bold and straightforward about everything else, only to turn into a shrinking violet with this.
“Come on, and get up,” Syd said as she stood, holding her hands out to help me and Quinn up from the floor. “Enough of this. You need to get up, get out, and shake your ass at open mic with us. I heard Roman is singing tonight, with all the originals from the band he had before. That should lift your spirits.”
&
His arms didn’t feel right.
Not that I was already in the market for a replacement or anything, but the rift between me and Eddie was too fresh not to compare. His arms were str
ong, but not like Eddie’s. He smelled good, but not like Eddie. He had rhythm, but not like Eddie.
I never imagined I would be that girl.
When the song was over, I flashed the guy I was dancing with a smile, but politely declined his offer to buy me a drink. I wasn’t in the mood to fend off his attention, so there was no sense in encouraging it now. Luckily, he was cool about it – always a toss up – and I made it back to the table I was sharing with Quinn and Syd.
I was the first one back, but by the time the emcee for the night – Caela, one of Urban Grind baristas – stepped up to start open mic, they’d both returned.
“Okay people… we are in for a major, major treat tonight,” she said, standing in front of the stage instead of actually on it, while behind her, things were being set up. “For the first time in a long time – longer than I’ve even been working here, so I’m extra excited – Urban Grind’s very own Roman Taylor is hitting the stage, with his band.”
Those words set off wild applause that I joined in with, because like everything else about the man, Roman’s voice was reminiscent of warm coffee, and I was excited to hear it.
“And, that’s not all,” Caela continued. “We’ll have another local favorite on the stage giving us a show, so make sure you’re paying attention, okay? Y’all ready?” she asked, directing the question behind her. She must have gotten an affirmative answer, because she nodded, and then turned back to the audience. “Enjoy!”
She moved away from the stage as the lights came up, showing the band situation in a row, with Roman in the front, seated on a black stool behind the microphone. Beside him, there was an easel set up, equipped with a large, blank sheet of paper.
Eddie was standing in front of that easel.
“Oh wow, can Eddie sing?!” Quinn asked, and the only thing I could do was shrug. If he could, he’d never mentioned it to me – one of hundreds upon hundreds of little things we hadn’t had the opportunity to learn about each other.
Up on stage, all of the guys were grinning about the crowd reaction, especially Eddie, who seemed to be getting the most raucous of the cheers. He did look good too – everything freshly lined and trimmed, biceps on display underneath a nice tee shirt that fit across his chest instead of being baggy.
Something Like Love (Serendipitous Love Book 6) Page 17
