“Katherine Sinclair, that’s baloney and you know it. You can tell me a lot of things, blow smoke about this or that, a meeting you can’t miss or any other such nonsense. But I’m not going to buy it. It’s your house, your responsibility. You have to be there!”
Kate suddenly wished she hadn’t answered the phone. “It won’t make a difference, Linny. They’ve all but bulldozed the house to get ready for that highway. It was a long shot to get them to change their minds. I just don’t have a lot of hope that this will work.”
“So you’re giving up? Just like that?”
“I’m not giving up. It’s just . . . I just have a lot to do here at work.”
“Well, I guess that’s how it is, then.” She paused. “You know, Katie, I’ve always defended you, always smoothed over the ill opinions of others, but this time, it’s me you’ve disappointed.”
Kate heard a click. She closed her eyes and rested her forehead on the heel of her hand. Before she had time to really internalize their conversation, Kate heard a small knock on her door.
“It’s open,” Kate called.
“I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” a familiar voice said from the doorway.
“Andrew,” Kate said as she looked up. He was earlier than she’d expected. She stood from her desk and quickly walked to greet him. They met in the center of the room, and Andrew wrapped his arms around her in a giant hug, nearly picking her up off the ground. He took a step back, taking hold of her hands.
“It’s good to see you, Kate. How are you?”
“It’s nice to see you too,” she said. “I’m good. Do you . . . want to sit down?”
Andrew gave a small nod. “It’s a great view of the city,” he said, looking out the large windows of Kate’s office. He moved to the sofa pushed up against the back wall and sat down.
“You look really great,” she said, motioning to his suit as she sat down next to him. It was light gray, with a hairline navy pinstripe. Kate had never seen him so dressed up.
He shrugged casually. “Dress to impress, you know? You look good too, Kate, really good.”
“How did the interview go?”
“I think it went well. It’s a great firm. I think I would enjoy working there.”
“I didn’t realize you’d thought about working in Atlanta.”
Kate wondered for a moment if she’d had anything to do with Andrew’s decision to take the interview, but she was nearly certain she couldn’t have. He wasn’t the kind of man who would go chasing after a woman, change careers, or move to a different city just to make himself available. He had more confidence than that.
He shrugged again. “They’re based in Atlanta, but the position I’m interviewing for is in Raleigh. It’s a firm I considered when I was finishing school, even spent a few months interning with them over the summer. It was a natural place to begin when I started looking again.”
Raleigh? Kate thought of their conversation the night before she’d left Rose Creek. He’d talked of staying in Rose Creek, crossing over into residential construction and striking out on his own. Something about Andrew working in Raleigh didn’t feel right to Kate. She thought the mountains suited him better than the city. She missed his rugged jeans and faded flannels.
“I guess it’s good that it went well,” she said. She chewed on her bottom lip, not sure what to say next.
“Have you heard anything back about the house?” Andrew asked.
“No,” she responded. “The board of commissioners will vote on the petition tomorrow evening.”
Andrew nodded his head silently. This was obviously small talk. He hadn’t come all this way to ask her about the house.
“So, I haven’t heard from you in a while,” Andrew said. “I’ve missed you, Kate.”
Kate looked down at her hands. With two hours of distance between them, she’d been able to push him from the forefront of her mind, but here, sitting next to him, she was totally consumed by the intensity of their connection and was surprised at how quickly her feelings rose to the surface.
“I’ve missed you too,” she said softly.
Andrew took a deep breath and leaned forward on his elbows then turned his head to look at Kate. When his eyes found hers, she could not look away. It was impossible to look at him without feeling as if their souls were somehow linked, wordless communication passing from her heart to his through the intensity of their gaze. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to keep her wits about her.
“Kate,” Andrew said. “I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t want to give up on what I think we could be together. If it doesn’t work, then so be it. But I want to try. I want us to try.”
Kate turned and looked out her window and watched as the pair of pigeons on the windowsill, stationary all afternoon, finally lifted off the ledge and flew off into the late-afternoon sky.
“Andrew, I . . .” She hesitated. “I’m not that girl. I’m not the Kate you met in Rose Creek. I remember what you said that night about the gospel being a priority for you. I just don’t think I can be that person. I thought I could be, that I could change, but it’s just complicated right now.”
“Why is it complicated, Kate? I was there with you when you learned about the Church. I saw how it touched you and moved you to tears more than once. That wasn’t acting, was it?” Andrew stood and walked over to the window, hands in his pockets. He turned back to Kate.
“Exclusive of all of that, what if I care about you just because you’re you? I’m not offering any ultimatums. I’ve thought about this situation a million different ways, and honestly, I don’t know how it will all play out. But I know I’m miserable without you. No matter how I look at it, the one thing that’s consistent is my complete inability to get you out of my head.”
“You just interviewed for a job in Raleigh,” Kate said. “I have a job here. How would we make it work?”
“It was just an interview. I’ve got to keep my options open, and I haven’t committed to anything yet.”
Kate was silent as she processed his words. Suddenly, he was beside her again, his face close. “Just tell me you feel it too,” he said quietly.
She sighed. “Of course I feel it.”
Kate heard a brief knock as the door to her office swung open.
“Hey, beautiful, just wanted to make sure we were still on for dinner,” Steve said. “Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t realize you were with someone.”
Kate looked in horror as realization flashed across Andrew’s face. She shook her head, her eyes pleading with him to understand. It isn’t Steve I want. It’s you. It’s always been you.
Steve crossed the room and extended his hand to Andrew. “I’m Steve Carson. I don’t believe we’ve met.”
“This is Andrew Porterfield,” Kate said awkwardly. She turned to Andrew. “Steve and I work together.”
Andrew stood and shook Steve’s hand.
“Oh, come on, Kate,” Steve said, wrapping his arm possessively around her shoulders. “You don’t have to hide your social life from your clients. It might help him focus, knowing someone pretty as you already has a boyfriend.” He was the only one who laughed at his joke.
Kate shrugged out from under Steve’s arms and took a step away.
“Andrew is a friend, Steve. Not a client.”
“Oh, well, a friend of Kate’s is a friend of mine. It’s almost 5:00. Shall we all get a drink before dinner?”
Andrew’s cell phone buzzed, and he glanced at the screen. “Actually,” he said, “I have somewhere I need to be. Thanks for the offer though.”
“Hey, no problem,” Steve said. “It’s good to meet you, Alan, was it?”
“Andrew,” Kate said softly.
“Right,” Steve said.
Andrew paused at the door and looked back at Kate. “It was lovely to see you again,” he said.
And then he was gone.
“Andrew, wait,” Kate called after him. She pushed past Steve and hurried out o
f her office, chasing Andrew toward the elevators.
“Please, Andrew. Let me explain!” she called.
Heads turned to watch the commotion Kate created as she careened down the corridors of her office building, trying to catch up. But she didn’t care. She had to stop him, convince him to listen. Andrew’s long stride kept him several steps ahead of her. He did not stop until he reached the elevators.
He turned and looked at her, eyes distant but still warm and full of kindness.
“You don’t have to explain anything, Kate,” Andrew said calmly. “We haven’t talked in a while. I should have realized . . .”
Kate cut him off. “Andrew, please, it’s not like that,” she said.
He held up his hands, palms facing out, and shook his head, rejecting any further explanation. The elevator beeped, and the doors slid open. Andrew stepped inside. “Good-bye, Kate.”
Steve came up behind Kate just as the elevator doors slid closed.
“What was that about?” he asked.
Kate turned on him, hot with anger.
“What is wrong with you?” she shouted. She pushed past him and stalked toward her office, raising eyebrows and turning heads for the second time in five minutes.
“What did I do?” Steve questioned, following after her. “What did I say?”
She turned on him, hands on hips. “You are not my boyfriend, Steve. Why did you say that? What were you trying to prove?”
An eerie silence followed her outburst as everyone within earshot stopped whatever they were doing and turned to stare. Steve nervously looked around.
“Do we have to talk about this right here?” he said, voice low.
“No,” Kate said. “We don’t have to talk about this at all. In fact, we don’t have to ever talk again.” She spun on her heel to head to her office but bumped right into Mr. Blanton. Kate didn’t know how much he had observed.
“Is everything all right, Kate?” he asked, eyebrows raised.
She took a deep breath and tried to regain her composure. “It’s fine, sir. I’m just fine,” she said.
He looked at her for a moment then cast a sideways glance at Steve, still standing a few feet away with a wounded look on his face.
“Take a few minutes to pull yourself together, Kate, then come up to my office. I’ve been meaning to speak with you,” he said. He looked at Steve one more time. “If I were you,” he said. “I think I’d leave her alone.”
Kate hurried to her office, too angry to cry. She paced around the room like an agitated cat ready to pounce on anything that even remotely resembled a mouse. She could not believe the gumption Steve had had making such an obnoxious claim. Sure, they had spent time together since her return to the city, but in no way had it constituted a steady relationship. A few nights before, the two of them had gone out to dinner just a few blocks down the street from Kate’s condo with a group of coworkers. Steve had insisted on walking her home. At the door to her building, before Kate had had time to protest, he’d kissed her. She’d hastily pushed him away and told him they would only ever be friends. She thought her message had been pretty clear. In the moments right after Steve had kissed her, Kate had realized how much it paled in comparison to kissing Andrew.
Andrew.
A new surge of anger rose within her as she thought of how foolish and betrayed he must feel. She scrambled to her desk and pulled out her cell phone, hands trembling as she dialed his number. The phone rang once and then clicked over to his voice mail. She hung up without leaving a message and dialed again. He still did not answer. At least she could send him a text. She typed out a hasty explanation—It’s not what you think. He isn’t my boyfriend, just a jerk I work with. Please call me. She didn’t expect him to respond right away, but she kept her phone close by anyway. When it finally buzzed with an incoming message, she was annoyed to see it was from Steve.
So I guess we aren’t still on for dinner? She angrily tossed the phone aside. Dejected and disappointed, Kate slid into her chair and laid her cheek against the smooth wooden surface of her desk. She sat motionless until her anger had finally dissipated and she felt calm enough to talk to Mr. Blanton.
Chapter 32
“Is there something you need to tell me, Kate?” Mr. Blanton asked. He sat on the arm of the chair across from her, hands clasped in his lap, a genuine look of concern on his face.
“No, Mr. Blanton, everything is fine,” Kate lied.
Mr. Blanton scratched the graying, prickly whiskers on his chin and studied her countenance.
“I don’t think I believe you.”
“Sir, it has been a rough couple of months for me, but I can assure you, it isn’t going to affect my work here. Things should be all right now. What happened downstairs isn’t going to happen again.”
“The problem, Kate, is that it already has affected your work here.”
Kate look confused. “I don’t understand. I’ve been working seventy, eighty hours a week the past few weeks. I’m pouring myself into my work. I’m giving you everything I’ve got.”
“That’s true,” he responded. “And yet, with all that effort, your work is still far below what I’m used to from you. Your ideas have been one dimensional and flat, your presentations listless, and your reports vague. You may be working here in body, Kate, but your mind must be somewhere else entirely.”
Kate was surprised to hear that her boss had noted such changes in her performance. Her level of effort and the intensity of her work ethic had not changed. But Kate realized Mr. Blanton was right. Her mind was not as focused as it had once been; her efforts weren’t as clean and precise as they had been in the past.
“Did you know I’ve never been married?” Mr. Blanton said.
He didn’t wait for her to respond.
“Engaged once, but it didn’t work out. And never married. Instead, I married my career. Poured myself into creating the best company I could ever imagine. And you know what? It worked. I did all this.” He motioned to his impressively spacious office. “I built a company from the ground up and made it successful. It’s a great feeling to have done that. But at the end of the day, when I leave this fancy office and go home, do you know what I feel? All I feel is alone.”
He leaned back in his chair, an air of contemplative silence settling around him. Kate thought he suddenly looked tired, older. They had always had a good relationship. Kate respected Mr. Blanton, admired his abilities, and appreciated his kindness to her. He had always been supportive of her career. But this was a side of him she had never seen before.
“Don’t marry your career, Kate,” he finally continued. “You’re too good for that. You have too much potential. Whatever’s been eating at you the past three weeks, go fix it. Go back to Rose Hill or Flower Creek or whatever that little place is called and fix it.”
“I don’t think I can do that,” Kate said morosely.
“You’ve been here a long time. I’ve seen you change and grow and get better at what you do, but it’s not everything. If you hide in your work for too long, it’ll be too late to fill your life up with anything else, with the stuff that really matters. There has to be a balance. And right now, for whatever reason, your life is completely out of balance.”
She stood silently, still not sure what to make of their conversation.
“Look, these are just my opinions, and I may be completely off the mark, but whatever is going on in your life, if you want to keep working here, you’d better find a way to keep it from interfering with the quality of your work. I want you to take a couple of days, do what you need to do to clear your head, and then come back ready to work on Monday morning. Are we clear?”
Kate left his office weary and completely disheartened. She went straight to her office and, without a word to anyone, grabbed her purse and keys and went home.
Chapter 33
When Kate arrived at her condo, she tried to call Andrew one more time.
Voice mail. Again.
All month lon
g, Kate had been ignoring her feelings. But suddenly, and quite violently, Kate realized she could not pretend anymore. All the rage and disappointment she had been suppressing, in one frightening moment, came rumbling to the surface. Kate flung her purse across the room then reached for the closest dining room chair, tossing it onto its side. She moved to the window seat, picked up a stack of pillows, and threw them across the room. The largest pillow, red with gold fringe, hit a framed landscape hanging on the wall and sent it crashing to the floor. Kate stood, her breathing heavy, hot tears streaming down her face, and looked at the broken frame and glass. It was no good. She was no good.
And then she saw it.
On the window seat, previously hidden by the pillows but now clear to her view, she saw the leather messenger bag she had carried when she was in Rose Creek. She knew what was inside. After reading the journal entries just after she left Rose Creek that had resonated a little too well, she had decided she no longer cared for Ian’s insight. She’d left the bag hidden on purpose. Out of sight, out of mind, she had thought. But now she opened the bag and pulled out Ian’s journal, as well as the Book of Mormon the missionaries had given her nearly two months before. It seemed so long ago that she had held these books so reverently, reading them every day, cherishing the feelings they inspired. She sat on the window seat with the books on her lap and leaned her head against the cool glass of the window.
She relived the many conversations of her afternoon. From her phone call with Linny to her brief meeting with Andrew and then her final confrontation with Steve, it was almost too much for her to process. If she knew anything at all, she knew Mr. Blanton was right. Her life was out of balance. Just as she’d done so many years before, Kate was trying to hide from her life in her work. She was ashamed and frustrated over the way she had behaved in the past month but was completely overwhelmed when she thought about what she could do to fix it. She thought of Andrew’s question. Why is it complicated? It was a good question.
Why was it complicated?
It was complicated because Kate was terrified of running to her problems instead of away from them. It was complicated because as much as Kate wanted to be with her family and give her heart to Andrew, she didn’t really think she deserved it and wasn’t certain Leslie thought she deserved it either. And it was complicated because changing her life was hard—so very hard.
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