by ANDREA SMITH
“Ohh…listen, I’m sorry Neely. I totally forgot that you two were an item of sorts back in the day. But listen, I’m sure you’re over it by now, aren’t you? I mean it was just puppy love at that age. We’ve all been through it.”
I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of thinking I carried some schoolgirl torch for Seth, even though I did and maybe always would. “For the record, I broke up with him, Tiffany. I never gave it another thought.”
“Well, see then? No biggie. Come on, let’s get these packages in and under the tree. It’s almost Christmas!”
Chapter 3
NEW YEAR’S EVE, 1996
The house had been blessedly quiet for the past three days. Thank God my father and Tiffany finally left on their cruise. At last I had peace and quiet, and as big as the house was, when Tiffany was present it seemed to close in on me with no chance for privacy or escape.
I stood in the middle of the floor of my bedroom, the carpet covered entirely in a heavy plastic tarp, and finished painting the one wall that didn’t have any windows on it.
White.
But that didn’t mean I was trying to make some pure and sterile statement, because clearly, I wasn’t. It was painted white for a reason. It was my new canvas. No more corkboard. This wall would display any subject matter I was in the mood to paint, be it still life, landscape, abstract, or impressionist. Anything was possible. Tomorrow it would be dry enough to start on my first painting. I decided it would be an abstract of sin.
Yes, I said sin.
In my mind, I knew what sin looked like. The darkness, the negative energy, the brutal reality, and duplicity of it all. The destructive path it swathed across one person’s soul. Yes, I decided ‘Sin’ would be my first creation on my new art wall. My own personal perception and interpretation of it.
I showered and changed into a pair of jeans and a sweatshirt. The staff had taken the week off to enjoy the holidays with their respective families, and I enjoyed having the whole place to myself. No one muddling around asking me if there was anything I wanted or needed.
I needed nothing.
And what I wanted they weren’t in a position to provide. I wanted contentment; I wanted comfort at times too. I wanted to forget that my mama was someone I didn’t recognize anymore. Not that I had seen or heard from her over the past few months. Nope. Not a word. I’d sent several letters to her in care of the rehab facility where she currently resided. I had at least talked with my grandmother on the phone several times. Whenever I asked about Mama the most she would say was something cryptic.
Oh, she’s doing as well as can be expected, Neilah.”
It’s just going to take some time, honey. Your mama has a lot of pain and anger she’s dealing with right now. Just keep her in your prayers, child.”
I thought about Mama a lot. The holidays were a reminder of how things used to be, but certainly not the way they were for us right now. At least not for Mama or me.
Daddy seemed to have gone on with his life just fine, and while I didn’t necessarily begrudge him happiness, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel some resentment. The holidays were so overrated I decided. For me, they were just something to get through on my way to freedom and independence. Then I could choose whether or not I wanted to celebrate them.
The sun was going down as I decided to enjoy the peace and tranquility of the beach. I’d been inside all day, painting and touching up, and it was terrible to let the beautiful and balmy weather of Malibu in December go to waste. Besides that, my father had purchased a high-tech camera for me that came with a half-dozen or so gadgets. And the reason I referred to them as gadgets is because I had no clue about all the accessories and trappings of photography.
But, for whatever reason, my father presumed that the artist in me might be compelled to give it a try. And so I would, but no promises.
My new Canon EOS 1X camera was supposed to be top-of-the-line as Daddy mentioned when I unwrapped it on Christmas morning.
I knew I hadn’t hid my stunned and confused look, because obviously, I’d never had a need of my own camera before. I painted or sketched things I wanted to remember from my memory.
“Look at this, Neely,” he’d said excitedly as I took it from the box, “See, it has something they call Advanced Photo System. This isn’t your typical thirty-five millimeter film, it’s better. Brand new technology. This baby even has an autofocus that uses a sensor for passive, active, or hybrid subjects…”
He might’ve well been talking Greek to me for all I could understand of it, but he had pointed out the accessories that were comprised of some special lenses and focusing magnifiers. I had plenty of film, so what the hell? I might as well give it a try. The beach was the perfect place to test it out with its dusk to night lenses he’d explained to me. Who knew, maybe I could get some great panoramic shots for a watercolor painting on my new wall.
The beach was deserted like I knew it would be. It wasn’t as if it was ever crowded being that it was private, but the intermittent jogger or couples walking hand-in-hand weren’t visible. Most people in the area vacationed somewhere else over the holidays, and that was fine with me.
The temperature was still in the mid-fifties, and a light ocean breeze caressed my cheeks as I spread a blanket down on the sand and sat down to figure this contraption out. I pulled my camera out of my backpack and spent the next twenty minutes getting it prepped. Then I commenced focusing on the sun that was quickly disappearing in a fusion of radiant color behind the seascape.
After awhile, I walked down the beach, catching flocks of seagulls preparing to take cover for the night wherever that might be. About fifty yards ahead I came to the rock pile that had been there for years as a marker for the fishing boats so they’d keep their distance from the shallow reef that existed. Seth and I had spent many an afternoon on the reef, exploring, talking, and skipping stones from the top of the piling. I climbed to the top and sat down. I switched out the lens on my camera to one that supposedly accommodated night photography. I guess I’d find out when I developed the film.
Under the star splattered sky, I took some very still pictures of the ocean waves as they lapped up against the rock formation. There was something very intimate in filming things at night I decided. Somehow, it seemed as if I was invading nature’s privacy.
I liked it.
An hour later I started back down the beach. I’d used up two rolls of film. The jury was no longer out on my father’s present to me. I’d enjoyed my first venture into photography, and I would definitely be adding it to my list of hobbies.
I had almost reached the steps leading up to our property, when the sound of male laughter drifted up to me just as I’d bent down to gather up my blanket and backpack from the sand.
I immediately straightened up and peered down the beach from where I’d heard the sounds. But the darkness had shrouded visibility to the extent that I couldn’t make out more than some moving shadows.
I didn’t need to see them to know that one of them was Seth. I recognized his laughter. And then I did one of the most dumbass things possible. But in all fairness, I hadn’t really thought it through. I pulled my camera up and turned on the flash in hopes I could unobtrusively shine it in that general direction to see him.
Yeah. Not my best move for sure. But at least I had the presence of mind to duck behind the brush around the staircase before I made that stupid move.
I had no clue the light would be so bright as to catch their attention, but yeah, it was.
I watched as Seth’s head snapped up and peered over his shoulder down towards where I hid behind the random branches.
Shit!
I hurriedly clicked the light off, and pulled the strap of my camera over my head to free my hands. I grabbed my backpack, and stepped out from behind the brush and started up the steps. I’d only made it to the first landing before his voice, now deep and rich with masculinity, reached my ears.
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“Neely? Neely, wait,” he ordered. “Don’t run away from me.”
I stopped immediately in my tracks, but made no move to turn around just yet.
Run away?
I don’t run away, do I?
And I knew the answer to that question almost immediately. Yes. Running was in fact what I had done two years prior. I ran from Seth, but whether that was the right thing to do or not seemed inconsequential now. He hadn’t seemed to mind after all. I’d never heard from him again.
I hadn’t been the bad guy in any of it. I had no reason to second-guess that decision. What was done was done. I had no compunction to feel ashamed or apologetic even because, after all, how much had Seth Drake really cared?
My shoulders relaxed as I dropped my backpack onto the landing and turned around to face him. After two freakin’ years, I was face-to-face once again with Seth Drake. And no matter how I justified the past in my mind, I was still terrified.
Chapter 4
July 23, 1994
Two and a half years prior
Our lips were melded together, Seth’s warm breath and scent seemed to be part of me now as his tongue explored my mouth and we struck some sort of a cadence that put us in sync. The windows in his car were fogged up, giving us some privacy.
We were parked in our favorite spot, just down the highway from Malibu in a park preserve that was all but deserted. One dirt road that went off from the main paved one, led into the wooded area that sheltered us from view.
His hands had moved lower, his fingers tracing over my belly and then dipping beneath the waistband of my shorts.
I should stop him.
This was where I usually stopped him, but my body was sending off a completely different vibe.
Seth’s mouth continued to work mine with gentle precision, and my tongue danced with his in anticipation of how far we would take this, though I knew in my mind, that the decision was mine.
My heart raced as Seth’s fingers gently probed beneath my panties. I felt my breath hitch, and an audible gasp escaped my lips when I felt him dip a finger inside of me. I froze.
His lips were still against mine, and I felt his words when he whispered, “Relax, baby. Just go with it. Trust me, please?”
I relaxed beneath him and we resumed our frenzied kissing. I could almost hear the pounding of my heart, and my mind was full of confettied thoughts, mere bits and pieces all over the place, and in total conflict with one another.
On one hand, I had this innate need to please Seth, and to trust him as he requested. I loved him. I wanted us to be physical with one another, but not just yet. Not when I would be hauling my ass back to Tennessee in a couple of weeks and what then?
Those conflicted thoughts clouded my mind and, momentarily, shut out the here and now, but not for long.
Seth’s fingers were working magic with my flesh, both inside and out. His lips were now teasing my nipples, in a very delicious way. And my body was responding in every way. I felt my pelvis thrust up against his hand, not once or twice, but many times. I realized it was an instinctual move; my body’s response to the pleasure I was feeling deep within.
Warm tingling sensations had brought a fevered dampness to my sensitive folds, and when Seth’s thumb rotated slowly on the fleshy nub that seemed to have become engorged on its own, I felt the heat within me rising to an unfamiliar pitch. My hands clutched his hair and my body convulsed in involuntary spasms as shock waves of pure pleasure coursed through every inch of it. I gasped audibly at the intensity of the throbbing pleasure as it slowly subsided within me.
“Oh my God,” I breathed out finally, my limbs now starting to relax; the tingling sensation was ebbing and, in its place, I was overwhelmed with a sense of calm satisfaction.
“Seth,” I gasped, my voice held a raspy tremor, and my hands grasped his head, urging him up and off of me, “we need to take it down a notch. I think we went too far just now.”
He scooted up and over to his seat, and I couldn’t miss the bulge in his jeans, and then he chuckled. “I think it’s too late for that, Neely. Unless you think orgasms come with a return policy.”
My cheeks reddened as I quickly moved to put my clothes back in place. “Is…is that what that was?” I asked, my eyes were wide with curiosity.
“Well yeah, silly. Don’t tell me you don’t know about orgasms, because I know you read Cosmo. Saw it on our blanket at the beach the other day,” he said with a snicker.
I rolled my eyes at him. “Of course I know what they are. Well in theory, I mean.”
He laughed again as he adjusted his crotch unabashedly, “Now you know in reality I guess.”
I ran a hand through my hair, and then turned to him, “Seth, I’m just not ready for you know…the full Monty.”
And to my surprise, Seth broke out into raucous laughter. So not what I had expected.
“The full Monty?” he asked, his eyes twinkled with amusement. “Are you serious, Neely?”
I crossed my arms and shot him a dirty look. “It’s British slang for your information, Seth! It’s just an idiom, you know, like…the whole enchilada, or the whole nine yards?”
My explanation only served to illicit more of his deep, rich laughter into the situation. “Stop…Neely! You’re killin’ me here, girl…enchilada…nine yards?” He repeated, now holding his stomach as he continued to be highly amused at my expense.
Now I was pissed. “I’m so fucking glad I kept you entertained, Seth, at least your hard-on’s gone.”
He immediately did his best to compose himself, and gave me a frown. “Okay, okay—sorry, but I’m not laughing at you, I’m laughing at me. You see, when you said that,” he started, with an involuntary chuckle, “I thought you were giving a name to my…well, to my dick.”
“Huh?” It was my turn to be amused I guess.
Now his cheeks colored a bit and he chewed on a fingernail. “Yeah, you know, I guess some girls do that with their boyfriends. They give pet names to the guy’s dick, and the guy gives a pet name to the girl’s—”
“Stop!” I hollered, my hand reached over and clamped his mouth shut, “Please do not finish that thought, Seth,” I replied, but I couldn’t help smiling at the absurdity of it nonetheless. Who would actually name one another’s privates?
“So,” he said, his hand taking mine away from his mouth and pressing it into his. “Are you saying you don’t want to name my cock, Monty?” he chuckled. “Hey, how about we make his last name Python?”
And then we both busted out laughing, and finally, the intensity of only moments ago vanished and once again we were Neely and Seth, boyfriend and girlfriend…at least for now.
“Can I think about it?” I asked slyly, not wanting to get back on the subject of body parts at the moment.
“I hope you do,” he replied, his tone had shifted back to serious, “But more than that, I want you to think about how much I want to make love to you, Neely. Damn, I think about you all the time. And usually, when I do, Monty comes to the party if you know what I mean.”
I flushed at his admission, and I knew exactly what he meant. And the truth was, I wanted what he wanted too…physically that is. But I knew once that step was taken, it would change things emotionally and that was the part that scared the hell out of me. I didn’t want to be that lovesick girl planted two thousand miles away, replaying moments with Seth over and over in my mind as some sort of consolation prize because it was all I had.
“Seth,” I replied softly, “I love you. I want to be with you more than anything, but I’m scared.”
He raised the palm of my hand to his lips and spread soft kisses all over it. “Baby, there’s nothing to be scared of, I promise. I will be as gentle as possible with you—I don’t want it to be painful, trust me.”
I smiled. “It’s not that, Seth. I’m not scared of the physical part of it.”
He raised a brow quizzically. “Then what, Neely? What s
cares you?”
I turned my face to gaze out of the window so that he couldn’t read all the insecurities that resided in my head. “I’m afraid that it won’t solve anything, and in fact, that it will only make it all the more complicated for us. I don’t want it to be the first time Seth and Neely had sex with each other. I want it to be the first of many times in their lives together that Seth and Neely made love.”
I turned back around to catch his reaction. He was thoughtful, almost brooding at the moment. Finally he spoke, “So, what? You think this will mean nothing to me? You have my promise ring, Neely. It means that we’re together. But shit, we’re teenagers here—way too young for a lifetime commitment, don’t you think?”
“Of course I do,” I replied, “And that’s the problem I guess. I don’t want to take this step when we’re both so young. It might be different if I still lived down the road. We’d be going into adulthood together, seeing if our relationship could and would survive the growth and transition that’s all a part of living. I don’t want to have regrets—not where you’re concerned.”
He moaned in frustration. That wasn’t what he wanted to hear from me. I suspected he wasn’t going to drop the subject easily. Seth was stubborn. I was stubborn. This could go either way.
“Look,” he said, releasing a hard sigh, and squeezing my hand tightly, “I want to be with you. I made a promise to you, and I thought that meant something. I’m not going to pressure you anymore than I already have, that just wouldn’t be cool.”
I relaxed visibly, but I knew there was more coming.
“But,” he continued, his blue eyes piercing a hole through my heart, “I want you to think about it. Tomorrow I have a late rehearsal, but after that, I’m all yours, baby. And I hope that you’ll be all mine too.”
After that he’d driven me home, and with the parting kiss at my door, I knew that Seth was determined to have the full Monty. But the question that was looming in my mind all that night was whether I was prepared to deliver.
