‘Late. Sleep some more. I didn’t mean to disturb you.’
She blinked a few times, trying to ward off the urge to drift back to sleep. ‘Haven’t you slept?’
He didn’t reply, supposing she’d turn over and drift off again. Nope, she was too perceptive for that. Instead, she hooked her hand around the back of his neck and pulled him down to meet her kiss. ‘OK, what’s up? Nightmares again?’
He’d woken in a cold sweat more than a few times since Steve’s death. Normally Dani’s kisses worked wonders at dispelling their effects. This time he simply felt wretched for accepting her tenderness.
‘I really think it would help if you talked about him. You know I’ll listen. I’ve told you so before, and you don’t have to censor yourself. It’s not as if I don’t realise things were physical between you.’
‘No,’ he murmured.
‘Well, if not me, then maybe you should speak to someone else. Spook, maybe, or an actual counsellor.’
‘It’s not thoughts of Steve keeping me awake.’
The skin at the corners of her eyes creased as she frowned. ‘The band?’
‘For once, not them either.’
Evidently perplexed, she stared into his eyes, as if she would be able to read the answer there if she simply looked hard enough. Maybe that was the truth. He was sure his current guilt must be plain as day. It wouldn’t surprise him to find she could see Luthor’s kisses on him like a set of luminous lip prints.
‘Then what?’ She stroked the edge of his jaw. ‘Talk to me.’
What if he simply told her, right now? Just said, ‘I’ve fucked Luthor, but it was years ago, and it shouldn’t be relevant now, but it is because he’s here and he’s interested in us doing it again, and he touched me tonight and now I can’t get the handsome bugger out of my head.’ It’d get it out in the open and over with, but he couldn’t seem to make his lips move. He couldn’t bear to see the hurt in her eyes. She’d see it as a betrayal. That’s just the way she was. It’s what her past had made her, just as his past had made him into what he was today. No, it was surely better to stay silent.
‘It’s just a mood, Dani. It’ll pass.’
‘Anything I can do to help chase it off?’ She snuggled up closer, and her palm found its way onto his chest and down over his abs.
‘Don’t.’ He stayed her hand, because he kept thinking about what Spook had said to him in the restaurant in Paris too. That he was using her. At the time he’d refused to admit it. Now he could see that he was in serious danger of slipping into that habit. Any lovemaking they did needed to be about them, not a means of chasing other thoughts away. ‘Go back to sleep, sweetheart.’ He kissed her little upturned nose. ‘I’ll be fine in the morning.’
‘Truly?’
‘Absolutely.’ He held her until her breathing became deep and even again. Only then did he rise.
Xane knocked back a couple of drinks from the mini-bar, then went into the bathroom. He didn’t bother to turn on the lights. He didn’t need to see what he was doing. Time he purged this bugger from his thoughts.
There was no point fighting it, that only intensified the need, so maybe doing the opposite would work.
Instead of fighting the notion of screwing Luthor, Xane let images of them entwined fill his head. He dwelt on the sensation of the other man’s mouth on his, the heat of his body, his hardness instead of Dani’s softness.
It took less than a minute for his body to respond.
Already naked, Xane smoothed his hands over his skin, letting his need build until he could no longer resist forming a fist around his cock. He closed his eyes, intending to lose himself in memories of the past. Instead, his mind rewrote the scene that had occurred earlier in the gents’ loo at the Paradiso. Instead of pushing Luthor away, he’d drawn him closer. Kissed him hard. Pushed him onto his knees and had him suck. Oh, hell, yes! He really liked the idea of Luthor on his knees with his mouth full of cock. Sucking him hard. Sucking him good. Clawing at him and making cute, desperate noises like he couldn’t get enough.
Shit, that’s what this was about, wasn’t it? He ought to have figured it out sooner. He’d always been a sucker for people wanting him.
His parents never had.
Steve hadn’t either. Not really. Not in the way Xane had wanted him.
Dani wanted him, but she couldn’t quite accept him as he really was. To begin with he thought she had, but he now knew there was this stumbling block over the fact that he liked men.
And that was a fact. He did like men.
It wasn’t going to go away because he was in a heterosexual relationship.
Xane closed his eyes and worked his fist hard, as he concentrated on the sensation of being repeatedly drawn into Luthor’s hot, willing mouth. Hell, yes! The boy could suck. He knew he could. Better than Steve could – he’d never enjoyed doing it enough to excel at that particular art – and maybe even better than Dani, though she was very enthusiastic.
Behind him, the door creaked, but Xane didn’t look round. His balls felt high and hard, and the ache in his groin was building. He was already past the point of no return, picturing his come on Luthor’s face or him swallowing it down. Hell, both outcomes at once would be great, and the thing about fantasy was he could have that. As many different endings, as many times as he wanted until he was totally done in and he’d broken whatever hold Luthor had over him.
‘Yeah,’ he muttered, pumping harder, making the tendons in his arms stick out. ‘Yeah … fuck, that’s good.’
As his climax ripped free of his body, Xane finally felt at ease. Done, he sagged at the knees. Only when he sought a towel to clean himself with did he realise a sliver of light was penetrating from the bedroom.
He turned. Dani stood in the doorway, wrapped in a sheet.
‘You could have woken me.’ Irritation scored her words, and her features.
He wished he had a sensible answer he could give her to explain why waking her and making love to her hadn’t been the fix he needed on this occasion. That inhabiting a space inside his own head, and using his own hand had been the only way.
Dani bit her lip at his lack of answers. She folded her arms uncomfortably across her chest, and the gleam of unspilled tears shone in her eyes.
Oh, hell, he was making such an utter mess of this. He didn’t want Luthor at this moment; he wished the bastard had never been born. ‘Dani, I’m sorry …’ He stumbled towards her. To his relief, she didn’t back away or try to hold him at arm’s length. Instead, she let him enfold her in his arms.
‘I guess it’s bad form to be jealous of a ghost,’ she sniffled against his chest.
No – that wasn’t what he’d been doing. It hadn’t been about Steve. He lifted her chin. He saw her distress, her nose that had turned pink at the tip, and her tears, and knowing that he was the cause of it all punched holes in his chest.
‘I’m so sorry,’ he whispered, stroking away her tears. ‘Please, don’t read anything into it. I needed to work off some steam. You’ve no reason to be jealous or fearful. I’m not going to abandon you. I wasn’t thinking of Steve.’
‘You weren’t?’
He shook his head.
She chewed tremulously at her bottom lip. ‘Then why?’
He was so glad she hadn’t said ‘who’.
‘Xane, we made love four times before I went to sleep. Do I not satisfy you?’
‘Of course you do,’ he said, cutting her off. He didn’t want her thinking that either, because it was stupid and wrong. They could light fires with the heat they generated between them. ‘I was trying to find some inner peace.’
‘By reliving a moment with him?’
He pressed his thumbs into the corners of his eye sockets to alleviate the tension headache that was now building. ‘No.’
‘Please don’t lie.’
‘I’m not lying, Dani. Steve was not in my thoughts.’ He sighed. ‘Have you never stroked yourself because it’s soothing and it he
lps to stop your mind whirring?’
She shook her head, while her cheeks turned a vivid shade of scarlet.
‘Never?’
She dipped her head and refused to look at him. ‘You’ve made your point. Let’s not make this about me now, and what I do or don’t do.’
He knew perfectly well she’d spent more than a few nights masturbating while thinking about him coming to her rescue and taking her away from St Agatha’s. In the end, all he’d done was offer her somewhere to go. She’d left of her own volition.
Xane watched her return to the bed, where she enfolded herself in the duvet.
‘Are you joining me, or do you need to clear your thoughts some more?’
‘I’m coming to bed.’ He settled beside her, and she snuggled against his side. It didn’t take long for her breathing to settle into an even rhythm, but his mind was more alert than ever. After a few minutes, he reached for the light switch. He wasn’t in any hurry to start stroking off again, but there were other ways of sorting out the jumble of thoughts in his head, and one of them was rather more productive than making himself sore. He stole the pen from the bedside table, but passed on the post-it-note-sized squares of paper and postcards of asparagus. Instead, he rolled onto his stomach and eyed the topmost pillow. That ought to give him the required space.
Xane drew on some staves, turning the pillowcase into passable staff paper. For the next few hours he lost himself in lyrics and music. He didn’t sleep. He rose when Dani woke, brought her breakfast and then made slow, glorious love to her over the desk, staring in the full-length mirror at the pair of them locked in perfect harmony.
He didn’t think about Steve or Luthor once, only the goddamned amazing way Dani made him ache.
Chapter 25
Dani and Xane didn’t return to the tour bus until mid-afternoon the following day, to find Spook and Rock Giant sitting at the kitchen table, the latter gingerly sipping herbal tea.
‘Overdo it a little?’ Xane asked cheerfully. He’d been seriously worked up last night, but he seemed to have relaxed a lot since she’d caught him working his tensions out in the bathroom. She’d spent most of the following hours working the knots out of his back as he scrawled notes and lyrics onto a pillowcase. Once the initial shock of catching him out had worn off, she’d found she wasn’t all that perturbed by his actions. He had to let go of Steve somehow, and he’d proved he was no less enamoured with her by making love to her slowly and gently before lunch.
‘My scalp hurts,’ Rock Giant complained. He lacked his manga-style spikes this morning; instead his hair hung around his face in wet knots.
‘His date was a hair-puller. I think she was hoping to claim one of his spikes permanently,’ Spook explained, grinning into his own mug. He looked fresh as a daisy, with his long blond hair combed so that it framed his face like a band of sunshine.
Rock Giant merely looked green. ‘Wasn’t a date, only a hook-up,’ he grumbled.
Ash emerged from the shower, sporting nothing but water droplets, a towel and a big smile. He helped himself to a carton of milk straight from the fridge. ‘Good you’re both back. Graham wants to discuss some detail changes with you. Apparently, some road or other is down to one lane due to roadworks, so he wants us to leave here after the gig tonight instead of waiting until morning.’
‘Fine,’ Xane replied, taking a seat beside Spook. ‘It makes no difference to me when we leave.’
He beckoned Dani to bring over his new masterpiece, which he spread over the table-top. ‘Give me your opinion on this, Spook.’
‘Is this a new song?’
‘Another one for the new album, hopefully. Dani helped a bit. I’m going to credit you, babe.’
‘Don’t.’ She shook her head. ‘I didn’t do a thing.’
‘Sure you did.’ He blew her a kiss.
‘Also, he wants to stick with the current arrangement of drivers,’ Ash interrupted. He pushed past Dani in order to see what Spook and Xane were looking at, almost dislodging his towel in the process. ‘So you’re all right with that too?’
Xane flicked a glance at him. ‘I said so, didn’t I? What? Am I supposed to object? What is it? Do you all have hot dates arranged, or something?’
Rock Giant groaned. ‘No, I don’t want to see her again.’
Spook shook his head.
‘Not me,’ Ash insisted. ‘I didn’t score any pussy last night. Poor little me. I wouldn’t object to some tonight.’ He looked around hopefully, as though he expected some girl to magically appear and leap into his arms. When that didn’t occur, he shot a hot smile at Dani. ‘I kept my cock firmly in my pants,’ he reiterated, clearly feeling his achievement deserved some acknowledgement.
‘I’m sure it’s very firm,’ Xane muttered, struggling to maintain a straight face while he pretended to ignore Ash. ‘No doubt still is, but we don’t need a visual confirmation of that, so for God’s sake put some clothes on.’
Rather than obey, Ash lifted one leg, so that his knee rested on the bench beside Rock Giant, and craned over the table to see the new song. The result was that his towel rode up and gave Dani a splendid glimpse of his very firm backside. She could see why the ladies went for him. He was easy on the eye, relatively fun to be around and didn’t take anything too seriously. Leastways, that was the only side she’d seen of him.
‘Please get dressed,’ Rock Giant groaned and turned his face to the window. Dani deduced that while she was being treated to a back view, he was getting a side-on airing through the gap in the towel.
‘Can’t – my clothes are in the wardrobe and Elspeth’s still asleep.’
Elspeth emerged from the back bedroom at that moment.
‘Now you can.’
Ash didn’t move, while Elspeth, seeing them all huddled around the table, ambled over. ‘Hi, Xane, I see that cute new roadie we hired has the hots for you.’
‘What?’ he said, his brow wrinkling. The chatter around the table stopped and a ring of faces turned first to him and then to Dani, apparently expecting an outburst.
‘Luthor?’ she enquired. ‘I know. He told me. He likes Spook too.’
Spook looked less than thrilled.
‘Well, he’s never mentioned Spook. He seemed pretty interested in you too, though. Have the three of you got something going on?’
‘No, we have not!’ Resentment sparked inside her, even as Dani felt her insides shrivel. She supposed she ought to have expected Elspeth to stir up more trouble at some point, given that her anonymous photo-delivery stunt hadn’t succeeded in splitting up her and Xane. God, she could scratch her beady eyes out.
‘Well, he was very keen on finding Dani earlier too.’
‘So?’ Xane remarked, his voice completely even and uninterested.
Elspeth’s jaw dropped. Dani’s too. Only yesterday he’d rather jealously asked her why she spent time talking to Luthor.
‘What?’ he asked, in response to Elspeth’s stunned silence. ‘Was I supposed to beat my chest or something? Get irritated by the implication that I might be involved in a threesome? I’m not. Nor is Dani, but even if we were, so what? It’s not like I haven’t done it before.’
‘I hope you’ve got the sense not to do it again,’ Spook muttered.
‘Hey,’ Elspeth protested.
Spook raised his hands. ‘It didn’t exactly work out for him.’
Xane rubbed the back of his neck, but didn’t say anything. He returned to the score he was showing Spook.
‘I like this bit,’ Spook said a moment later. He underscored a triplet Xane had written on the pillowcase. Elspeth’s attempt to stir things up had been forgotten. ‘The intro needs work, but the chorus seriously rocks, I can hear that rumble pounding away behind the main rhythm. Someone pass me my guitar. I need to try this.’
There was a collective intake of breath, as Spook’s favourite instrument was still missing.
‘Everything’s locked up inside the venue,’ Ash murmured, obviously not wanting to
raise the spectre of Spook’s loss.
‘OK.’ Spook pushed to his feet, prompting Xane to rise as well, followed by Rock Giant still clutching his head. ‘Then let’s try this out over there.’ They squeezed out from behind the table and filed off the bus. Ash darted into the back bedroom and stole Elspeth’s bathrobe, then followed too. Dani watched him gingerly pick a route across the car park to avoid stepping on anything painful in his bare feet.
‘I’d better join them too. They’ll need my help working out the keyboard parts.’ Elspeth shot a last catty glance at Dani then marched after the boys. Right, Dani thought, looking around at the now empty tour bus, well, that’d been interesting. She wasn’t sure quite what she was supposed to do now. She guessed from Elspeth’s remarks that she had somehow found out about Luthor’s attraction to Xane.
Iain waddled into the kitchen from upstairs. ‘Where is everyone?’ he asked, seeing her standing there alone. ‘Want a brew?’ He hunted around for a pair of mugs while the coffee maker chugged and spat out brown ooze.
‘No. Thanks.’ She didn’t fancy another round of listening to him relate squirm-worthy stories. ‘I’m going to sit outside and catch up with some people.’ The sun was shining. It seemed a shame not to enjoy it.
It was probably wrong of her not to tell him the rest of the band were composing together, but … if he was genuinely interested in their whereabouts, he’d go seek them out.
She sent a quick ‘things are awesome’ update to Ginny, then dozed looking at the riverbank. After a while Luthor joined her.
‘Sorry,’ he said before sitting down beside her on the grass.
‘What for?’
‘Being a prick. I kept one of the photographs of Xane, and Elspeth found out I had it.’
Well, that explained Elspeth’s comments, but somehow she couldn’t summon the energy to be genuinely angry. ‘What did she do?’
‘Reclaimed it.’
‘Did she seem pissed off?’
‘She’s always pissed off. Her husband just died.’
Dani bowed her head. That was true, and easy to forget, though why she wasn’t sure. She never had any trouble remembering Xane had only recently lost Steve. Then again, when she stumbled on him doing stuff like last night, it was kind of hard to forget it. The fact that he felt the need to jerk off while they were together continued to irk her, though she supposed it was silly to feel like that. Xane pretty much lived and breathed sex. He was sex incarnate. Imagining he wouldn’t sometimes wank, even when he was getting laid several times a day, was slightly unrealistic.
Come Together Page 19
