Living With Him

by J. L. Ostle

  “There will be new rumors tomorrow about me hitting Darren because he was being a dick towards you.”

  I shrug. “Let them talk. I really don’t care anymore. They need to get their own lives.”

  He chuckles. We watch TV for the rest of the night and Kendra and Jayce stay upstairs, doing God knows what. It feels nice just chilling out and I’ve missed it. Because of the dates I’ve been going on, I realize it's been ages where it has been just me and Jackson, watching TV on our own. I know I want more.

  The next day, I am sitting next to Jackson and Kendra during lunch and we are laughing and teasing one another. My smile drops, though, when I see Dante walking towards me.

  “Hey, Riley.”

  I feel everyone’s eyes on me. “Hey,” I reply.

  “Is it okay if we talk?”

  I nod and I stand, following him outside and we walk until we get to the picnic benches and we both take a seat.

  “I was going to call you but I thought it would be better to talk in person.” I look at my hands. “I know we never talked about exclusivity but I assumed by all the dates we’ve been on that we were only seeing each other. I do know you and Jackson are close but I didn’t expect to see you in bed with him.”

  “Jackson is a dear friend to me and I live in his house, I told you that, but yes, I sleep in his bed, but I’m not actually sleeping with him,” I defend myself.

  “What about the video? That’s why I came over.”

  “If you watched the video you would have noticed that there was a room full of people we go to school with. I had a chance to win a hundred dollars and all I had to do was dance for a guy and I chose Jackson, since he is a friend. It’s what friends do. They joke around.” I think back to the dance, well dances, and I know that a line was crossed somewhere.

  “I like you, Riley, I really do, but the whole Jackson thing is a little weird for me. I know we are just dating but can we take a little break until the rumors calm down?”

  I nod. The strange thing is, I thought I would be more upset, but I’m not. “I understand. I guess I will see you around, then.” We wave goodbye and I head back to the cafeteria and Kendra pulls me down so I’m sitting next to her again.

  “What did he say?”

  “We are taking a break until the rumors cool off.”

  “Yeah, well with money comes a reputation and I guess he doesn’t want that tarnished.” She shrugs.

  Is that why he wanted a break? So no one would think differently of him? “Well, I guess I have more free time on my hands.” I sigh and I squeak when I am being pulled into Jackson’s chest and he messes up my hair.

  “That is the best news I’ve heard in ages. More time to spend with me.” We laugh.

  The next couple of weeks flew by. I go to class and hang out with Jackson. He takes me to movies and he took me to nearly every restaurant nearby. I go back to his rehearsals, the band enjoying that I’m back, and they take me clubbing to dance. I am invited to all of his gigs which I attend and cheer.

  If we aren’t out doing something we are cuddled up on the couch watching TV. He will tease me every chance he gets and we will end up wrestling, which I always lose. Girls still threw themselves at him but he always turns them down. The more time I hang out with him the closer we get.

  One day I wake up to a letter, telling me to get my hair done and he wrote the address on where to go and that it was already booked and paid for. He wrote that he has something to ask me and he wants me all pampered up. For the next couple of hours, it bugs me wondering what he is going to ask. When I finally get home, I can’t believe what I see in front of me.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  I look around the room to see candles everywhere. A table has been set out in the middle of the room with flowers in the center, plates, and silverware. I walk further into the room and my eyes can’t believe what they are seeing. Jackson did this for me?

  But why?

  I walk to the flowers, touching the petals. “Do you like it?” I hear from behind me and I turn to see Jackson smiling at me adoringly.

  “What is all this?” I wave around the room.

  “This is all for you. I wanted to do something nice for you.” He walks up to me, taking my hand and guiding me to a seat. “I made us dinner and then after, I need to ask you something.”

  “Okay,” I say softly. I watch him head to the kitchen and not long after he comes back out with two meals that smell amazing. He pours me a glass of wine and he takes his seat and I can see him fidgeting with his fingers. “I can’t believe you did all this.”

  “Well eat up.” I smile and tuck in and I groan when I take the first bite. We eat while talking about classes and once we are finished, he surprises me with dessert and I can’t stop smiling all the way through it.

  Jackson clears the plates away and I try to offer to help but he tells me to stay put. I watch him clean up and when he is done he comes back and sits down, looking at me.

  “Do you want to dance?”

  “But there’s no music.” He walks over to the sound system and a slow song comes on. He takes my hand, helping me to stand and we start to sway.

  “Thank you for dinner.”

  “You're very welcome.” We stay silent for the next two songs.

  “You were going to ask me something.” I smile up at him and he looks at the ceiling and back down at me.

  “Yes, I am, you know how close we are and how much closer we got recently?”

  I nod.

  “I … well …” he pauses. “I really like you, Riley.”

  “I like you too.”

  He smiles shyly at me. “I’m glad you do. But the thing is, I want us to be more than friends.”

  I stop moving and take a step back. “You want to be more than friends?” I repeat.

  “I want us to be together, officially.”

  I look at him and then to the ground. He wants to be with me. I feel this excitement bubbling inside of me. He sees me as more than a friend. I care for him so much and I love being around him. I am about to say yes, when the logical side of my brain kicks in.

  Can I be with him? What about the girls that swarm around him? Am I able to deal with that? But he doesn’t do relationships, and I have never been in one. We are almost finished with college so what happens after we graduate? He’s in a band, what if he gets noticed and has to go? He isn’t going to want me to tie him down.

  In the long run, I know he will break my heart. Not on purpose, but he will. I feel this ache in my chest with what I’m about to say.

  “I can’t, Jackson.” Tears flow down my cheeks.

  “What do you mean you can’t? I want to be with you.” He walks towards me again and holds my face in his palms. “Please, just be with me.”

  I look into his pleading eyes. “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” I whisper and I see the pain I cause him in his eyes.

  He steps back, walking away from me. “We are always around one another, we can’t be apart.”

  Another tear falls down my cheek. “You are my friend.”

  “Friend?” his voice rises. “We are more than just friends. We have been for ages.”

  I turn around so I don’t have to face him. “I’m sorry, but I can’t give you what you need,” I say a little stronger and I feel him behind me. Then I hear him move, heading upstairs, slamming all the doors closed, and I fall onto the floor, crying.

  I don’t know how long I sit there but soon Kendra and Jayce walk in and Kendra kneels next to me, stroking my hair. “What’s wrong?” she whispers.

  “You were right, Kendra.” I fling my arms around her. “He wants to be more than friends.”

  “Who?” She rubs my back up and down.

  “Jackson.”

  “Jackson? He told you that?”

  I nod into her. “He made me this romantic meal, set candles everywhere, and we danced. He wanted more, but I can’t give it to him.” I cry harder.

  “Why?” she whispers.<
br />
  “I know if he breaks my heart I will never recover. I will never recover if I ever lost him.” I look at her and see sympathy in her eyes.

  “What if he never will?”

  “It’s a chance I’m not willing to take.”

  “But what if, though, by doing this you're breaking his heart?”

  “I just can’t do it, Kendra, he is stronger than me and will get over me quickly. He will soon move on.” I feel my heart hurting just thinking of him being with another woman.

  “You know I will stand by you, no matter what.”

  I look at her and then at Jayce. “Is it okay if I share a room with you again? I don’t think it’s a good idea if I share a room with Jackson anymore.”

  She nods her head. “Of course. It is your room, silly.”

  I hug her again and she continues hugging me. We head to bed and I toss and turn all night.

  I can’t bear going in the cafeteria. I look through the window and see Jackson sitting in his usual seat and Kendra and Jayce sitting in theirs. I walk away, sitting on the picnic bench looking up at the sky, hoping for some answers.

  “You look lost in thought.” I turn to see Jackson walking towards me. “You didn’t come for lunch.”

  I shrug. “I thought it would be best if I stayed away.”

  He sits next to me. “Best for whom?”

  “You,” I tell him and he nods.

  “I don’t want it to be weird between us. I have hardly seen you since yesterday.” He places his arms on his knees and leans forward. “I have never been rejected before and I guess I didn’t take it well. I thought we were on the same page but obviously not. I still want to be friends, though. I couldn’t bare losing you.”

  I turn to him and it takes so much courage to not cry into his arms. “I don’t want to lose you either,” I whisper to him.

  “So friends then?” I nod and he pulls me into his side, kisses my forehead, and then he stands and walks away. As I watch him go, a tear escapes. I head to my next class and I am sitting there playing with my pen when I feel someone looking at me and I look up to see Dante smiling at me.

  “Hey, Riley.” He sits in front of me.

  “Hey, Dante.” I give him a smile.

  “How are you doing?”

  I shrug.

  “One of those days?”

  “You could say that. How are you?”

  “Doing okay. I know we said we were doing a break thing but I was wondering if you wanted to grab something to eat tonight?” I bite my lip thinking it over. “Just as friends, of course. I just miss hanging out with you.”

  “Sure, why not?” He gives me a huge smile. With him saying, friends, I feel it is okay to accept. Right now I need to cheer myself up and maybe going out tonight will do that.

  “Great, will pick you up at six.” He stands, heading back to his usual seat.

  “He asking you out again?” Billie beams at me.

  “Just as friends,” I tell her. I look at her and something starts bugging me. “Billie, did Jackson ever call you?”

  She shakes her head. “He never called me but he did come up to me once and just said he couldn’t go out with a girl who was friends with his roommate as it may cause problems.” She shrugs. “He was nice about it and I got it. It would be weird if I ended up hating his guts and sit next to you for the rest of the semester.”

  He turned her down? “Sorry about that.”

  “It's fine. I was hoping for a roll in the hay with him, but what can you do?” She shrugs.

  On the way home, I decide to walk and Kendra is kind enough to walk with me. I tell her what Jackson said and that Dante asked me to hang out with him tonight.

  “Don’t you think that’s a little too soon to be with Dante? It may upset Jackson.” Kendra links her arm with mine.

  “We are just hanging out as friends and Dante and I have gotten to be good friends from our dates. I can’t stop living my life because Jackson may get upset. I need to think about me, not about what others may think or feel.”

  “I get it. I just want to make sure you’re doing the right thing.”

  “I am, I just want to go out tonight and have a laugh. Have some fun and after yesterday, I just want to forget it ever happened.” We continue talking and the more we talk the more doubts start to cloud my mind.

  I get ready and opt for my jeans and a T-shirt since this isn’t a date and I don’t want to dress up like I have the other times. I am in the living room waiting for Dante, when the door opens and Jackson walks in.

  “Where are you going?” he asks me.

  “Out,” I say looking at the floor.

  “With Kendra?” I shake my head. “Then with whom?”

  I bite my lip. “I’m hanging out with Dante.”

  I see anger and hurt in his eyes. “I thought you two were over?”

  “We are hanging out as friends.”

  “Friends? You seem to like throwing that word around. Does he know you’re going out as just friends?” He is getting angry.

  “Yes, he does.”

  “I can’t believe you, kitten. I spill my feelings out to you and twenty-four hours later you are going out on a date with some other guy.”

  “It’s not a date and right now I just want to get away from this house. I know you telling me how you felt was hard and I am so flattered that you think of me like that, but you can’t get angry with me because I don’t want to be with you.” I don’t mean it to sound harsh but it does. “We said we will be friends and I need to know that you mean it. I can’t live here and have you yell at me every time I do something that doesn’t please you.” I can’t go through that again. I can’t get yelled at. I hate being yelled at.

  “You would leave?”

  I suck in a breath. “If I had to.”

  The doorbell rings and I walk around him to answer it, and I am greeted with a smiling Dante.

  “Are you ready?”

  I nod, linking my arm to his. “Yeah, let’s go.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  The whole time in the car I keep quiet. My mind is on Jackson and I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to leave, I love living with him but a part of me is thinking maybe it is best if I find somewhere else to live.

  Dante takes me to Joe’s, the same pizzeria Jackson did the first day I met him. He even had a girl the night before and discarded her the morning after without even thinking twice about it. I have seen him around different girls since, but I know I haven’t seen him with anyone recently. I shouldn’t be thinking about him since I’m with Dante, but I can’t help it.

  Why did Jackson have to ruin what we had? It was perfect as it was before. I am still in my own world when Dante starts waving his hand in front of my face and I shake my head, noticing a waitress waiting to take my order.

  “Sorry,” I apologize and we place our orders and the waitress leaves.

  “Are you okay? You don’t seem like yourself.”

  “Got a lot on my mind, I guess.”

  He nods. “Finals coming and all that. Not long until we graduate.”

  I sigh. “Do you ever wish you could just press pause on life?”

  He thinks it over. “I do, actually. I haven’t even graduated yet and my dad is already making plans and choices for me. I feel like these last four years just flew by. Like everything is now on fast forward.”

  “Yeah, I wish I could go back, enjoy things more. I’m sorry, I’m probably depressing you now.”

  He laughs. “No, not at all. It’s nice to have someone to talk to. It’s not nice having to bottle things in.”

  I nod in agreement. “Have you ever had a choice to make that could change your life forever? And one choice could end up breaking you?”

  “No, I don’t think I have, but choices are there for a reason, though. For you to decide on what you want to do. I say life is too short and we should try to seize the most from every day as we can.”

  “But what if in the long
run, that choice hurts you in more ways than one?” I lean forward a little.

  “But what if it doesn’t? We can’t always live on what ifs. If that choice brings you a moment of happiness, even for a little while, shouldn’t you grab hold of it? Happiness is rare and we shouldn’t be scared of something that may or may not happen. We make mistakes but we learn from them.”

  I sit back thinking over what he said.

  For the rest of dinner we talk and laugh, but Jackson isn’t far from my mind. Dante takes me for a walk but he doesn’t try to hold my hand, which I’m grateful for. He takes me home and walks me to the door, and I look at it expecting it to open, but it never does.

  “Sorry I was a bore tonight.”

  He smiles, shaking his head. “You weren’t. Do you want to try again on Thursday?”

  I nod my head. “Sure.” He squeezes my hand and heads back to his car and I watch him drive off. I am about to head inside when I hear a rumble of a motorcycle and turn to see Jackson pulling up. I watch him park next to the house and head my way.

  “You just getting home?”

  I nod. “You went for a ride?” I nod to the bike.

  “Just wanted to clear my head. I feel terrible how I talked to you before. I wasn’t angry at you, I was angry at myself and I guess I was a little jealous of you going on a date.”

  “I wasn’t on a date. I was just hanging with a friend.” I sigh looking at the ground.

  “Did you have fun?”

  I shrug. “It was okay, think maybe I should have stayed in, I wasn’t really feeling sociable.”

  “Because of me—because I was acting like a dick.” I don’t say a word and we both just stand there. “Do you want to go for a ride?”

  I look at him and then at the bike. “I think I’ve had my fill of that bike.”

  He laughs. “Come on, just for a ride. It can be therapeutic.”

  I nod. We need to get back to being friends again and I think the thought of holding him, even if it’s just for a little while, makes me agree. “Okay.”