by Lydia Nyx
“Because you might not come back this time.” He sounded desperate. “We’ll smooth this over, all right? Just don’t go out of your mind and act like a fucking idiot. Don’t ruin everything.”
Zane opened the door. He needed to find somewhere to curl up in a ball and let the shock pass. He wasn’t ready to be outed, not like this. He could almost feel his father’s cold hand clamping around his throat, the hiss of his voice in his ear. Faggot. Dirty little faggot, caught fucking his boyfriend.
“I just…I need a few minutes,” Zane said. “I’ll come back. I promise.”
“Zane! I’ll go talk to him right now! Just fucking stay here!”
“I’m sorry. I’ll come back.”
Zane left the room, head spinning, hands trembling. He still saw the look on Troy’s face. His secret little world had just come crashing down. So much for their nice, comfortable box; it had just been set on fire and kicked down a hill.
***
The chilly autumn air seeped through Zane’s clothes, still such a strange sensation after so many weeks of relentless heat. Sitting alone in the little courtyard behind the hotel, he smoked three cigarettes in twenty minutes, and his lungs burned. He thought about going to get his jacket, or at least going and sitting inside, but instead he stayed plastered to his chair, unable to do anything but stare at the bricks beneath his shoes.
Then, the inevitable footsteps came behind him. He tensed, but it wasn’t the monster he feared.
“There you are!” Ian stopped next to Zane’s chair, wrapped in his long black coat. “What the fuck is going on?”
Zane didn’t answer. His teeth chattered behind his pursed lips, cigarette trembling between his fingers.
“Zane!”
“What?” Zane gritted out.
Ian sighed and took his coat off. “What the fuck happened? Why is everyone freaking out?” He swept the coat around Zane’s shoulders, the fabric warm from his body.
“I don’t know,” Zane said.
“You don’t know? You’re just sitting out here freezing your ass off for no reason?”
Zane brought the cigarette to his lips and took a deep drag. He’d actually gotten high off the amount of nicotine he’d consumed in such a short time. The world looked bright and fuzzy.
“You see, it’s really weird,” Ian said and folded his arms. “Troy and I came downstairs, and then Troy remembered he forgot his gloves, so he ran back up to get them. I waited in the lobby, and he comes back about five minutes later looking all shaken up. I’ve never seen a man look so startled.”
Zane took another drag off the cigarette, even though the smoke burned like hell.
“I asked him what was wrong, and he said he just needed to get some air, then he took off without me. Imagine my confusion! I went back upstairs to ask you guys what the hell was going on. I knocked on Davey’s door but I didn’t get an answer, so I thought maybe you guys had already left for the set.”
“Ian,” Zane said gruffly.
“No, let me finish.” He held up a hand. “This is the best part. I came back downstairs and there was Davey, in the lobby. Shirtless. Barefoot. Looking like a man on a mission. A very angry mission. He was absolutely livid, and he told me he needed to find you. I said I thought you were with him. He just took off outside. I went looking for you too, and here I find you. But I’m still confused. So, why don’t you shed some light on the situation?”
Zane looked down at his half-burnt cigarette and then ground the remains out in the ashtray on the little table in front of him.
“Was there a fight?” Ian asked. “Did you and Davey get in a fight? Did you get in a fight with Troy?”
“Troy caught us having sex,” Zane said.
Admission didn’t lessen the sheer wincing embarrassment. Zane hoped the whole incident might seem funny in retrospect. It didn’t.
Ian stood silent for a moment, staring at Zane. “Oh,” he finally said. “And you freaked out, didn’t you?”
“Yeah. You could say that.”
“How very like you. You’re always so catastrophic, even over little things.”
“It’s not a little thing! It’s bad enough you know!”
“And what do you think will happen now? Maybe all your friends will abandon you. Maybe the President will kick you out of the country. Maybe God Himself will reach down and tap you on the forehead and damn you to Hell. I’m sure the world will end by this time tomorrow.”
Zane tried to get up, but Ian gripped his shoulder and pushed him back down.
“Zane.” Ian leaned over him, looking him in the eye. “It’s not the end of the world.”
“I would rather my personal life stay personal! Everyone doesn’t need to know!”
“Troy is hardly ‘everyone.’ He’s one man, who happens to be your lover’s best friend. You might as well have been caught by a blind man for all the more he’ll spread it around.” Ian sighed, and then spoke more softly. “Do you remember how Dad reacted when he found out about me?”
Zane looked down. “I wasn’t there, but I heard.”
“Yeah.” Ian stood upright and took his hand off Zane’s shoulder. “He sputtered, and yelled, and even knocked me around a little, but I could handle that. He kicked our asses constantly from the time we could walk, for much smaller things. But he said something that really hurt, and I thought it was the worst thing in the world at the time.”
Zane didn’t want to hear, but he couldn’t get away.
“He said — “ Ian hesitated, and then went on, his voice level, “he said he tried to make Momma get an abortion when she was pregnant with me and that he should have tried harder. Then he said he should have killed my faggot ass in her womb himself.”
Zane winced.
“I didn’t know about that. But it sounds like him.”
“Yeah. That’s when I left for California. I was glad you weren’t far behind.” He walked around behind Zane and put his hands on his shoulders. “I didn’t die from his words, though. I even got over them, eventually. Nothing can hurt you so bad it cripples you, if you don’t let it. And loving someone certainly won’t hurt you, even if it changes everything you know about yourself.”
Zane blinked. His eyes were wet. He got up, slowly, and turned toward Ian. Ian gazed at him, shivering. Zane pulled his coat off and draped it back around his shoulders.
“He shouldn’t have said that to you,” Zane said softly. “I always wanted to beat that man into the dirt, I didn’t care if he was my father.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore.” Ian tugged the coat around his body. “He’s dead, and I’m still here. I showed him. I showed them all. Every single day, I show them. When you say you can’t be like me, maybe you should think about what it means to be like me.”
Zane opened his mouth to speak, but just then the door to the courtyard flew open.
Davey was indeed shirtless and barefoot. The wind kicked up his hair as he stepped outside, eyes blazing, so he looked like Medusa, and without a doubt Zane turned to stone. Davey started shouting as he marched toward them.
“There you are! You stupid, fucked up, insecure bastard!”
Ian stepped aside and let him come through. Davey stopped in front of Zane, fuming, teeth clenched. His eyes were bright.
“How could you do that? How could you just fucking walk out? How could you be inside me, making love to me, and then fucking run out like that!” He whacked Zane in the shoulder with his fist.
“Hey!” Zane backed up. “How about we not have this fucking conversation in front of my brother?”
“Fuck him!” Davey leapt forward and punched Zane’s other shoulder. “And fuck you! How could you do that to me? You’re the most selfish, sniveling bastard on this fucking planet, I swear to God. All you care about is your goddamn pride.”
“Quit fucking hitting me!” Zane shoved him back. “Your fucking best friend walked in on us having sex. Does that not bother you at all?”
“He’s my best friend�
�!” Davey screamed. Zane flinched. “He’s not going to fucking tell anybody. Which is all you’re fucking concerned about. This is all about your goddamn ego and what makes you feel comfortable. What makes you happy!”
“Oh yes, and fuck all the progress I’ve made! How much I’ve fucking given you. And you’re pissed because I’m a little upset because someone caught us having sex?”
“I’m pissed because you walked out on me!” Davey’s eyes brimmed with tears. He looked as though he were about to attack again. “I asked you not to leave.” His voice cracked. “I asked you not to leave me.”
“I told you I needed a few minutes. I was going to come back. I had to pull my head together, and I did!” He looked desperately at Ian, who stood watching stoically, his arms crossed. “Tell him.”
Davey lurched forward, and Zane didn’t have time to block him. He had a hell of a right hook and his fist landed squarely on Zane’s jaw, sending him sprawling into the table behind him. Zane’s vision blurred for a second and then sharpened again as pain flooded in. At least Davey hadn’t hit him in the nose.
Ian didn’t move an inch, just winced.
“Fuck you,” Davey spat at Zane as he slumped against the table, blinking in shock. “Fuck you to hell.”
Davey turned and stormed back toward the door, wiping at his cheeks. Ian glanced at Zane and then went after him.
“Oh yeah, fucking go comfort him!” Zane slurred, tasting blood. “Fuck!” He rubbed his jaw and groaned, wondering if he’d loosened any teeth.
Davey and Ian disappeared inside, leaving Zane to lick his wounds.
Chapter 21
Elliot wasn’t pleased when Zane told him he couldn’t go to the set. He didn’t seem to believe Zane’s rather convoluted story about slipping on a newspaper and falling on the sidewalk in front of the hotel.
“I’m telling you, it was insane,” Zane said, barely able to talk through his swollen jaw. “But I guess stranger things have happened.”
“Yes, they have,” Elliot said dryly. “But they usually don’t leave a mark like one has been punched. Have you been fighting with Davey again?”
“No, he did most of the fighting.”
Elliot wondered aloud, perhaps with a bit more than a simple desire to scare Zane, if he could replace him for the rest of filming.
Zane fetched some ice from the machine in the hallway and paced his room with a makeshift hand towel ice-pack pressed against his cheek. A knock sounded at the door. He feared Davey had come to punch him some more, but it was Ian.
“He’s pretty upset,” Ian said, watching Zane pace like a caged animal. “I think you’ve fucked it up for good this time.”
“Whatever.” His voice still came out slurred. “He got his parting shot. I can’t believe you just stood there and let him do it.”
“You fucking deserved it.”
“Just get the fuck out!” Zane stopped pacing and pointed at the door.
Ian fixed him with a complacent look and didn’t budge.
“Fuck you,” Zane said and started pacing again.
“I can’t fucking believe you. You’re such a goddamn fuck-up and you cling so tenaciously to it. That’s why you can’t even be forgiven.”
“What the hell am I supposed to do? You just said it yourself! I fucked it up for good this time!”
“What should you do?” Ian stepped toward him, eyes flashing. “I can’t believe you don’t know. You should be at his door right now, beating it down, begging him to forgive you. All he wants is some sign you’re capable of caring about someone else more than you do yourself. That doesn’t require you to get up on a fucking podium and announce it to the world. And you can’t even give him that!”
“Why can’t he give me what I need? Some fucking patience!”
“Oh, God.” Ian looked upward. “Even Jesus fucking Christ Almighty Himself couldn’t give you the fucking patience you require. No matter how much time someone gives you, you’re never ready. You’re never happy!”
“I can’t change overnight, Ian!”
“It’s been three fucking months!”
Zane glared at him.
Ian turned away for a moment, seething, and then turned back. “I’ll be fucking blunt here, and you can mock me if you want to. But I would give — “ he gritted his teeth, pointing in the general direction of Davey’s room, “ — I would shave ten fucking years off my life for a man like that. For him. He’s brilliant and beautiful and unwaveringly fucking loyal. And you don’t deserve that. You’re an asshole, and all you do is hurt him.” He waved a hand. “All you do is hurt him.” His voice sounded strained.
They were silent for a few minutes, Ian standing with his hands on his hips, looking down, his hair obscuring his face. Zane stood with the towel against his cheek, cold engulfing his aching jaw.
“He’ll be gone soon,” Zane finally said. “Since the day I met him, he’s just been getting closer to being out of my life. That’s how this business works. You don’t understand, Ian.”
Ian looked up. His eyes were bright, but he wasn’t crying.
“And if I…” Zane went on, almost in a whisper, “…let myself feel too much for him, then when he goes, he’ll take my heart with him. It’s better this way.”
Ian gazed at him for a moment and then he spoke softly as well. “It’s a small world, Zane. I’m here, aren’t I? That’s why God made planes.”
“Yes, but if I let myself, I won’t be able to live a day without him. I don’t want to feel that way.” The words were heavy and they fell like stones from his mouth.
Ian studied him for a long moment and then stepped closer and wrapped his arms around him.
“Do me a favor,” Ian whispered against Zane’s shoulder. “Tell Davey what you just said to me. Please? He needs to hear it.”
Zane couldn’t tell him until everyone came back from the set, some hours later. By then the swelling had gone down in his jaw and his emotions had settled into a sickly sludge in the pit of his stomach. He’d done a lot of pacing, a lot of thinking, and underneath the black depression which had settled over him he felt a sense of urgency, the notion that if he didn’t act soon, everything really would come to an end. Even if he lost Davey, he didn’t want to lose him this way.
Ian informed him when Davey came back, and Zane plucked up his courage and went to his door.
Troy answered when he knocked. He looked wary.
“Is Davey here?” Zane asked. He couldn’t look Troy in the eye.
“Yeah, but…I don’t know if he wants to talk to you.”
Davey appeared over Troy’s shoulder. He wore jeans and a gray button-down shirt, his hair pulled back. He didn’t look happy to see Zane.
“Can I talk to you?” Zane asked, motioning out into the hallway. “Please?”
Davey just stood there. Troy looked distinctly uncomfortable. After a minute, Davey stepped out into the hallway.
“I’ll be right back,” Davey murmured. He closed the door behind him.
In the bright light of the hallway, Davey looked bedraggled, the whites of his eyes shot through with red. He stood in front of Zane, arms crossed, chin tilted up.
“I wanted — “ Zane struggled to find the words. “I wanted to say I’m sorry. And — you’ve heard me say I’m an asshole so many times I doubt it has much impact, but I am.”
“I can’t keep doing this,” Davey said. “I’ve been astonishingly dumb in taking it this long.”
“Why do you?” Zane asked, lowering his voice.
The look in Davey’s eyes changed, the surfaces filming over. “Because,” he said softly. “I love you.” His lower lip quivered, and he sucked it in. “Or I did.” He shrugged and looked away. “You’re not an easy man to love.”
“I know,” Zane whispered. “But thank you for even bothering to. For seeing something in me worth loving.”
Davey looked back at him. His eyes had gotten brighter.
“I know I’m a piece of shit, Davey. Someone li
ke you doesn’t deserve someone like me.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“I mean, you should have some great guy who’s proud to show you off to the world. Someone who isn’t afraid of his feelings. Someone like Ian.”
“I don’t want Ian,” Davey said. “I want to know why you think you’re not good enough for me. Why you think I’m so damn good in the first place. And if I’m so fucking good,” his voice rose, “why the fuck you can’t bring yourself to love me back.”
“I know you don’t want excuses, and you shouldn’t take them. But — “ He thought of his words to Ian. “I’ve been scared, every moment since I met you, of feeling too much for you.”
“Why? A second ago I was so fucking good.”
“No, that’s not what I mean.” Zane took a deep breath, steeling himself. “See, in a few weeks, you’ll be gone. Maybe forever. I’ve been at this for a while. I’ve forgotten people’s names, or what they were like when I knew them. I don’t want you to be a footnote in the story of my life.”
“You’re making me one by not allowing yourself to feel for me. Don’t you see, it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy? You don’t want to love me so you won’t have to forget me. And your answer to that is to forget me? How does that make sense?”
“I just — I don’t want to hurt like that.”
“You don’t want to love, and you don’t want to hurt. Do you want to feel anything at all? How empty your life must be, afraid of every emotion.”
“And how chaotic yours must be, so full of it you suck everyone in with you.” He didn’t speak accusingly but with a sort of reverence.
Davey tilted his head, looking at him with the kind of surety Zane would never experience himself. “I may suck everyone in, but at least I’m never alone.”
Zane studied him for a moment, and then reached out and touched his cheek gently, dragging his knuckles across his cheekbone. Davey flinched, his throat working.
“I wish I was a better person,” Zane said softly. “How beautiful we could have been.”
Davey blinked several times and then turned his face to Zane’s hand; he took it in one of his own and pressed his lips to his palm. He whispered, “I think you do feel, you feel so strongly you’re numb to it.” A tear slipped down his cheek, glittering in the light. He looked back at Zane, his eyes wet and soft. “Maybe I’m the bad person, because I couldn’t change you.”
