by Ashley Rose
"No, I know how you are! At least I thought I did! I can't fucking believe you." I grip the comforter around my body as I lean down and snatch my clothes from the floor and start to dress myself quickly. I can't stay here with him. I'm disgusted. More than anything, I'm hurt. So hurt because I'm supposed to be his girl.
His defense creeps up as he watches me and realizes that I'm going to leave.
"I didn't do anything! I swear to fucking God above me! I didn't touch the girl! I would never do that to you! You fucking know I wouldn't!"
His voice is almost...desperate? He rounds the bed toward me, but I push past him, shoving him hard. I don't even want to listen to him. But something inside of me suddenly snaps. I whirl around abruptly in the doorway and narrow my eyes at him.
"Is that why you wouldn't let me go with you tonight? Huh!?"
"You know I was trying to keep you away from Tony! Don't turn this shit around on me! I was protecting you!" he scoffs.
"Was Tony even fucking there, Lex?" I spit the words at him contemptuously, knowing that he wouldn't have stayed at a party until four in the morning if he got in a fight with Tony. No, he had to have stayed because of that bitch. Whoever she is. I fucking hate her.
He hesitates, and then I don't even let him respond because I fucking know the answer already. My emotions boil over.
"You are a fucking piece of shit! I fucking hate you! I can't believe you would do some shit like that!" I storm out of the bedroom.
"Leala, wait! Wait goddammit!" he shouts, chasing me down the hall.
Just as I reach the front door he grabs my upper arms from behind and I spin around, shoving him hard in blind fury before I can process my actions. He steps back toward me and it's a crime of fucking passion as my palm cracks across his face. I've never hit him that hard before, but I'm so fucking hurt, playing a scene over and over in my mind of him fucking a coke whore, despite the fact that he swears he didn't.
His face snaps back to mine and he grabs the wrist of my hand that assaulted him. I must be fucking crazy, but I bring my other hand across his opposite cheek just as hard as the first one. He seizes my other wrist and pushes me back against the door, holding my hands up against my shoulders.
"STOP!" He shoves me harder, even though my back is already against the door.
I clench my jaw, my chest heaving as I pant with exertion from fighting him. But I'm also breathing just to force my tears back. Why am I getting so emotional? Why is my fucking heart breaking?
He hangs his head, catching his breath a bit before slowly raising his eyes to mine.
"I didn't do anything," he croaks out the words pleadingly. His eyes search mine but I just shake my head, lip trembling and tears welling up, threatening to spill over my bottom lids. He sighs, touching his nose to my cheek. "Please, Leala."
I almost believe him. God, I want to believe him. He's always been straight with me. He's never lied. I swallow hard, blinking my tears back, trying to strengthen my wavering voice.
"I wanna go home."
"Tell me you know I didn't do anything." He pulls his head back to look into my face. God, I know he didn't. He's never looked at me with this much sincerity. "Tell me...tell me and I'll let you go."
I sigh. "I know Lex, okay? I know."
But he doesn't look convinced. Reluctantly, he drops my wrists with a sigh, defeat plaguing his features. He knows just how to look at me and rip my insides out. I just shake my head without a word, turning to leave, and slamming the door behind me.
12
I know he didn't do it. I knew it last night, lying in my bed for hours not being able to sleep after I left his house. His eyes...the way they looked at me so pleadingly. "Please, Leala"...the way he breathed it against my face.
I know he didn't do it.
He even called me twice after I left, which he never does. But of course I didn't answer. Call me a bitch, but I was still hurt. He smelled like another woman. That killed me. I've never been so completely taken over with emotion because of him. I'm usually so numb, unless we're fighting or fucking. And that's all we usually do.
I want revenge. I want it badly, just because. I'm a female, we do shit like that.
I call Kyle. Out of all of Lex's boys, he's the one I trust to maybe keep his mouth shut. Then again, maybe I want Lex to find out what I'm doing. Maybe he'll get a little jealous. It wouldn't kill him to think for a second that maybe I'm not as tied down as he thinks I am, cause that's sure as hell what I thought about him last night.
"What up?"
I sigh when he answers right before his voicemail catches the call.
"Hey, I got a question," I reply nervously. Fuck, I probably shoulda talked myself up a little more before I just went off and called him about some shit like this.
"Alright..."
"Who's a good hookup around town? Besides Lex." I grind out the last part and bite my lip awaiting his reaction.
He scoffs a bit in response. "What the fuck, Leala?"
I know he has no idea what I mean by any of this, but I don't want to explain it to him. I just want answers.
"Shut up, just tell me. I need some good shit." I'm short with him, pushing him through his inquiries impatiently.
"Yeah, but what about Lex?"
Goddammit. Why does he have to pull the loyalty card?
"What about him?" I deadpan.
"Are you okay?""
"Kyle, just do this for me, alright?" I sigh. The more questions he asks, the more I question myself. But I don't want to back down. Not this time.
He hesitates for a moment, but finally gives in. Thank fucking God. "Okay. There's this guy named Trent, he's got a pretty legit product. I don't know why the fuck you wanna swap dealers though, you know that shit is dangerous."
"Yeah, yeah, I didn't call for a lecture. I know the guy you're talking about. He runs over on the Magnolia Park side of town, right?" I question quickly. Now we're getting down to business.
"Yeah, over in that alley behind the 7-Eleven on Magnolia right before the 170."
"Yeah, I know exactly where you're talking about. You and the boys are going out tonight, right?" The last thing I need is for Lex to be sitting at home with nothing to do and decide he wants to come looking for me.
"We ain't got shit to do. We'll prolly get baked and ride around town. You gonna sneak off while we're gone? While the cat's away, the mice will play..." His voice is teasing, and I huff out a perturbed sigh. All of those boys think Lex has me under his fucking thumb.
"Fuck you. I can do what I want. Lex doesn't own me. He made it clear last night that he can do whatever he wants. So why can't I?"
"You know nothing happened with him and that girl, right? Nothing. I was there."
I wince at his words, guilt consuming me for only a moment before I put my guard back up. "I don't care. Stop trying to talk me out of this."
"That's fucked up, Leala. You know Lex is gonna be pissed."
I hesitate for a moment, then offer him the only suggestion I can think of.
"Well, then don't fucking tell him."
13
"Hey, bitch! Don't get ashes in my back seat, you fucking pussy licker!" Lex shouts to Tyson from the driver's seat of his truck, chuckling as he eyes him in the rearview mirror. The boys giggle from the backseat, blazed out of their minds, passing the blunt back and forth.
"Fuck you! I'll put this blunt out on your fucking seat if I want, and you can suck my dick," Tyson yells back through his chuckles, reaching over to the window with the blunt to ash it.
"Lick my sack, douchebag. Just like you lick a cunt!" hr retorts.
"Lex, you're the only one in this truck who has a girl, so I think that makes you the pussy licker!" Bruce chimes in, taking the blunt from Tyson, and all the boys snicker, leaning on each other and tapping fists.
"Yeah I'm the only one who has a girl cause you guys are a bunch of fucking homos! I don't lick snatch, assholes," Lex grumbles, checking his phone discreetly for missed c
alls. He's been waiting for me to call all night.
"Hey Lex...where is Leala, man?" Seth asks from the passenger's seat. Kyle peers inquisitively at Lex from the back seat, holding his tongue, waiting for his response.
He just sighs. "I don't know. She's mad at me cause you motherfuckers pushed those coke whores on me last night at the party! Fuck every single one of you queers!" he chides, looking around at all of the boys in his truck, pointing his finger in accusation.
"So what's she doing tonight?" Seth inquires further, prying at the subject and Lex scoffs a bit, casting him a sideways glance.
"I don't fucking know, why don't you call her if you're so concerned?" He shakes his head.
"You don't know where she is?" Kyle asks, and that's enough for him. He doesn't know why everyone seems so damn concerned about me tonight, and it starts to make him a little nervous.
"No, why? Why is everybody trippin' the fuck out about it?" His eyes widen in confusion, looking around with questioning glances, baffled by everyone's behavior.
"I'm just saying..." Kyle mumbles, trailing off.
"What? You got some shit to tell me, Kyle?" he asks, narrowing his eyes a bit.
Kyle fidgets, looking around before pursing his lips nervously.
"Why are you fucking twitching, you weird ass motherfucker? Do you know some shit that I should know or not?" Lex raises his voice as the situation settles into his bones. Something is going on, and everyone seems to know except him.
"I'm just saying—"
"Where the fuck is she, Kyle?" he explodes, palm slapping against the steering wheel, finally overcome with frustration at Kyle's reluctance to just tell him what the fuck is going on.
"Shit, Lex. I wasn't supposed to say anything!" he shouts, pushing roughly against the back of the passenger's seat in frustration.
Without a moment's hesitation, Lex whips his truck into the next parking lot that he sees, throws it into park, and flips around in his seat, narrowing his eyes at Kyle. "Well you better start talking, bitch! And I mean now!"
Kyle sighs as all eyes in the truck fall onto him. He lowers his gaze, color rising in his cheeks as he mumbles regretfully, "She called me up today and asked me for another connection. She's meeting Trent over on Magnolia."
Lex swallows hard, pushing down the rage rising inside of him as his voice trembles. "You better be fucking lying to me."
"No. That's the honest to God truth. She told me not to tell you."
Almost before he can finish, Lex puts the truck back into driving gear and peels out of the parking lot, tearing back onto the road quickly. He grips the steering wheel tight, clenching his jaw as his eyes dart around anxiously before fixing on a stop for the Metro that will take the boys back into town. He pulls over immediately, throwing everyone's weight forward as he slams on the brakes.
"Get the fuck out." He's still facing straight ahead when he says it quickly and quietly.
"What?! That's fucked up!" Kyle shouts from the backseat.
"Shut up. Get out. Everybody," he replies dryly, his posture becoming more and more tense as he envisions what's going to take place just moments from now when he gets across town. "Get the fuck out!!" he finally growls when no one moves on his initial command, and suddenly there's a panicked shuffle of doors opening and shutting and bodies sliding quickly across the seats until their feet hit the sidewalk.
Before Lex pulls back out onto the road, tires screaming as he races to confront the situation Kyle had just informed him about, Seth leans into the open passenger's window, hesitating as he takes in Lex's face, stone cold in rage. He knows how hostile Lex gets over situations that involve me, especially if other men are mentioned.
He swallows hard and sighs worriedly. "Lex, don't do anything fucking stupid."
Lex races back across town, running every yellow light, never staying under the speed limit, not even caring about the drugs in his car or the fact that his gun is under his seat, either of which could land him in jail. He doesn't think about the laws, even though he knows he's breaking them. He's not even mad about Trent. Whipping his ass hasn't even crossed his mind.
No, he's furious...
At me.
Me, the one who almost fucking cried on him just last night at the mere suspicion of him being with another girl. Where the fuck do I get off turning right around and doing some shit like this? To him, this isn't just going after another guy. This is getting my business elsewhere. This is me trying to show him that I don't need him.
But as he gets closer and closer, anger isn't the emotion eating away at his insides...
No, it's fear. He doesn't trust anyone but himself, not when it comes to drugs, and especially not when it comes to me.
He can see it in his mind: me taking some bad shit from another dealer, tripping out in an alley somewhere with no one around who gives a fuck. Laying there 'til morning before I wake up...
Or don't wake up.
Shit.
He presses the gas pedal harder.
14
I step behind the small corner store and into the narrow alley slowly, cautiously. It's fucking filthy back here. Large dumpsters full of black plastic bags stand pushed up against the outside of each building, creating a maze of sorts as I weave in and out of them in the darkness, only a single streetlight illuminating my path.
Trent's standing there under it, head down, beanie pulled tight over his hair, his entire form a shadow underneath the angle of the streetlight. I quicken my steps to approach him. As much as I have a point to prove, I still want to get this over with quickly.
But as I stop in front of him he keeps his head down, not moving a muscle, not meeting my gaze, his features shadowed by the light beaming directly down over him. I fidget a little in discomfort. I'm uncomfortable in my own skin right now because this just isn't like me. But it's sort of thrilling in a sick way, the whole thing. Coming here behind Lex's back, but telling one of his boys. Waving that shit right there under his nose.
That dull surge of guilt creeps up again. I've been forcing it down all night because I've convinced myself that he deserves this.
He deserves this shit.
I wait for Trent to notice me standing before him. I clear my throat and anxiously tap my foot, and after a tense minute he snaps his head up to fix his gaze on me. I nearly jump out of my skin, gasping loudly when his eyes meet mine.
His eyes are crystal blue. The blue that freezes you in place, that captivates you for even the slightest of moments. One gaze and I'm chilled to the bone.
Holy...
"Weren't expecting to see me here, huh?"
The voice is all too familiar.
"What are you doing here?" I gasp, my gaze darting all around confusedly. What the fuck is going on?
"I should ask you the same fucking thing!" he growls, fire igniting behind those eyes.
"What the fuck are you doing here, Lex?! Where's Trent?" I'm still looking around frantically. How did he manage to pull one over on me like this?
"I fucking killed him. Drug his body off down the alley. Someone will probably find him the next time they take trash to the dumpster," he sneers, and I slowly turn my face back to his, my eyes searching him.
"You're lying," I say it matter-of-factly as I eye him, but a hint of inquiry paints my tone. At least I hope he's lying...
"Of course I'm fucking lying! I paid his ass off and sent him home," he snaps. "But what the fuck, Leala?! You don't get your shit from anyone but me. How can you be so fucking stupid..." He trails, but I bite at his statement, answering immediately.
"You don't fucking own me, okay? I don't need you! I can survive without you!"
He scoffs. "So that's it then? You're done with me? Five fucking years, I turn around and you're done after some shit like last night?! You don't make any fucking sense!" He shakes his head, turning to walk away from me.
"I've never made a fucking promise to you!" I yell once his back is to me, and he freezes. He whirls around, rage pa
inting his face as he presses my shoulders until my back thuds against the brick of the wall, his face inches from mine.
"But I'm yours and you're mine, and goddammit that's the way it's always been! You want a fucking ring now or some shit? Fuck!"
I wait a beat before answering slowly, deliberately, "I don't want a goddamn thing from you."
He releases my shoulders, hands falling to his sides as he steps back, eyeing me curiously. "What the fuck does that mean?"
I groan softly. "It means I don't know how much more of this bullshit I can take, Lex! We're fast approaching the pinnacle of..." I sigh, struggling to even find a word in the fucking English language to describe this goddamn mess we're in. "Fucked-up-ness, if there is such a thing."
"Yeah, pull that scholar shit on me, Leala," he mutters sarcastically, turning away again.
I raise my voice to him. "Well I'm not using it anywhere else! Not after I fucking drained my college fund for some grass and blow!"
He spins around abruptly, firing his words at me with intent. "Don't pin that shit on me! I didn't shove that shit up your fucking nose! I don't remember holding a fucking gun to your head!"
"No, you hold it to my heart." I say it almost flatly, without hesitation and his face melds from one of anger to one of interest. I sigh, gathering my thoughts and lowering my voice before I continue. "I can't say no to you, Lex. And I'm never gonna get clean if I can't say no. Maybe if I have to get my shit somewhere else I won't want it anymore. I'm sick and fucking tired of this shit."
He slides his jaw sideways, tongue playing inside of his mouth in contemplation, clicking against his teeth before he blinks once and shakes his head, letting my words roll right off of him.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What's your fucking obsession with getting clean now? You watch some shit on Oprah or something?" He tosses the words around easily and frustration swims inside of me.
