by Jean Oram
He turned to her, taking a bold step forward, blurting, "I need to change. I need to break out. I need to..." He pulled his shoulders up, hands bunched at his chest like he was about to break into song, but couldn't remember the words. "I need to move, and I'm... I'm trapped."
"Move away from Blueberry Springs and trapped by what?" What the heck was he talking about? Oz loved their nosey little town, nestled in the middle of nowhere, protected by a semi-circle of mountains and rolling meadows. How could he feel trapped when this was where his family was, his new business, and where they planned to raise their kids?
Oh shit. Her stomach lurched as the word trapped circled in her head. It was her. Somehow, despite their mutual talk about their future, she'd made him feel this way. Wedding plans, starting a family, building a home. She'd blindly moved ahead not realizing he wasn't quite in step with her. How had she missed it? It was the one thing she'd promised she would never do to a man. She'd seen the way her dad ran from their family and the way Oz ran from Mandy when she'd faked a pregnancy to keep him from leaving. And somehow she'd gone and trapped him.
Shit, shit, shit on a stick. She was everything she'd ever dreamed of not becoming.
But how? He said he wanted the same future.
"Maybe not trapped," Oz said. "More like blocked. Like when you can't move where you want to in Chess and you have to wait for the other player to move so you can. Except I'm tired of waiting."
"Trapped and blocked are the same thing." She closed her eyes. Tired of waiting. Waiting for what?
"No, it's not," he said. He held her eye and she looked down at her hands, twisting her ring around her finger. Blocked or trapped—neither were words a woman wanted to hear from her fiancé. "What if I wanted to change my life? What if..."
Alarm zinged through Beth like lightning. "Yes, of course." Anything to make sure he didn't feel trapped or blocked. Those words equaled losing, and she couldn't lose Oz. She just couldn't. "Let's make some changes." She stood up like there was something she could do now like rearrange the living room.
Oz paced the small room, making the floor creak. "What if this isn't our life? Our true life?" He stopped and turned to face her. "What if we want different things, Beth?"
Wait a second. This wasn't going anywhere good. Not at all. "I don't understand." Her breathing hitched up in her throat as she waited for him to reply.
"You have dreams. I have dreams... somewhere. I don't know who I am."
"I'm following my dreams," she replied carefully. "And you're an accountant. You own a whole business now."
"A business I never wanted."
Beth's head tightened and she perched on the edge of the couch, eyes closed, trying to slow her thoughts. She needed to start at the beginning and work her way forward. "You don't like accounting?"
He gave a coarse laugh and shook his head. "I hate it. It's my dad's passion and now he's saddled me with it because he thinks I need to grow up."
Her shoulders relaxed. His dad had him feeling trapped, not her. But he hated his career? When did that happen?
Oz continued, "He's trying to trap me into a stable life—a life he thinks I should have. Not the life I want."
Beth tried to hold herself together. Stable life. Career. Marriage. Kids. Her stomach took a nasty swoop. That's what she wanted.
"I thought you wanted marriage and kids?" she asked in a whisper. They'd had piles of conversations about having kids and how much he wanted a whole gaggle of them. Who the hell was this man? And who was the idiot who conked him on the head and made him forget who he was? She was going to give that idiot the worst nipple twisting in the history of the world. "What the hell, Oz?"
Oz sat beside her and took her hand. He stared at the television, thinking for a second, before turning back to her. "I don't know who I am, Beth. I can't have kids if I don't know who I am. I can't wake up ten years from now wondering if I made a wrong turn. I can't do that to you. I can't keep on putting one foot in front of the other if I might be going in the wrong direction. You need to be able to marry a man who knows who he is."
"I don't understand. What do you need? What can I do?" Beth tried to block out the thought that he might not love her the way she had thought.
He sagged into the couch. "I don't know."
"Well, sell the business. Find something else." Her voice tightened as she said, "We can wait to have kids."
Oz pushed a hand through his hair. "I can't sell it."
"Why not?"
"If I sell in the first five years all proceeds go to my dad."
"But you own half! You guys were partners."
"I don't own my half outright because I've only worked off about a quarter of my half. So, if I sell now I get about twelve and a half percent. If I wait five years, I get it all."
"Five years is a long time when you're waiting to get what you want." Boy, she knew that one. "If you don't want the business, sell it. Like you said, Oz, life is too short." Her heart stuttered at the idea of upheaval. Of Oz starting fresh in a new job with no vacation time and the possibility of them having to move if he couldn't find something suitable in town. Of having to make new friends and finding a new hospital to work in. It was terrifying. She finally felt as though she had the beginnings of a real home and a family here in Blueberry Springs. She didn't want to toss it all up in the air. Not for something that sounded and felt so uncertain.
But if she was with Oz, it would be worth it. Anything would be worth it.
Oz took her hands in his. "I love you, Beth. You know that, right?"
"Of course, I do. And I'll love you no matter what you decide to do with your life. If we have to move, then we move. I'm here with you."
"I don't know if I can do this."
"I'll be right there with you. It'll be okay."
"No." Oz's eyes grew wet and Beth's face heated from a fight or flight reaction. "I can't put you through this. I think..." He grabbed her hands and held them tight. "I think I need to do this alone."
***
Oz sat hunched on their couch, his knees jiggling up and down. He wouldn't meet her eye for longer than a split second. Beth stared at the framed photos that sat three deep on the shelf above Oz. The two of them looked so happy up there. So in love. Not like real life, or at least not the real life Oz was revealing.
"A break," she repeated, trying to make it sink in. "You want a break." She knew she'd said it a hundred times already, but her mind refused to cooperate and accept the concept. Seriously. What idiot has conked her perfectly good fiancé over the head causing this mess? And what the hell had gone wrong with their relationship that she was unable to see?
Gently, Oz said, "You can't raise happy kids in a happy family if you aren't happy and don't know who you are. You can't pin your life on someone else's happiness. I've got to figure out who I am." Oz muted the commentator who was laughing uproariously at his cohost who had just predicted that the underdog team would sweep the cup out from under the favored contender. "A month. Maybe less. I don't know. I just need to figure out what I want, you know?" He arched his brows and gave her a hopeful look that made her want to give in.
Beth sat down beside him, pushing her knee into the side of his leg, her hands clamped onto one of his tight quads. She squeezed her eyes shut. A month. She could give him a month to figure things out. He would do the same for her with ease and grace. This was a sacrifice she could make for the man she loved. Besides, the sex when they got back together would be utterly mind-blowing. But no quickies for a month? That was going to be hard. Harder than scaling a mountain in flip-flops.
"A break will be good for us," Oz said, tilting his head so their foreheads rested against each other. Her eyes flooded with tears and she swiveled away. She already missed him so badly her chest ached. He brought her face back to meet his, kissing her long and slow, her tears slipping between their lips. He broke off the kiss and said, "You'll have some time to follow your dreams, too."
Beth resisted the urge
to push him away and snap that she didn't need time because, unlike him, she knew who she was and what she wanted with her life. Exactly. Down to the finest detail. Cut and pasted in her scrapbook. Hello? Rather obvious.
"It's been a hard couple of months. Dad... man, his heart attack just kind of opened my eyes, you know?" Oz said. "Thank you for understanding, Beth. For not letting us turn into everyone around us."
Chest tight, her voice barely able to strike its way out, she said, "What's wrong with everyone around us?" The town was full of wonderful, happy people who went about their lives with an ease that came with having a contented routine that provided fulfillment. There was security and comfort in that.
He passed his arm through the air as though encompassing the town. "Everyone's moved forward without knowing who they really are. Like they're scared to find out. They just keep clomping one foot in front of the other, working at the same boring job all their life because it's easy and they don't know what else they would do. Everyone starts popping out kids and it's like game over. They just settle in and grow old without ever exploring their dreams and the things they could do if they had the courage. There's so much life out there."
Beth pushed away from Oz, her mind spinning.
"I mean, look at your sister. She gave up a scholarship to play volleyball. She was going to become a big coach. She had what it took." He cupped his hand as if holding something tangible. "Both you and I know she could have competed nationally."
"But instead she raised me when Gran and my dad couldn't." Beth turned away. "Don't worry, I get it." Tears thick of guilt blocked her throat and prevented her from saying more. She knew she'd altered her sister's future. When Gran's health started failing and she had to be moved to the continuing care facility, Cynthia, who had just finished high school and was about to embark on her semi-charmed life, stepped in to support Beth through her final two years of high school instead of sending her off to be raised by their father who was working in God-knows-where.
For that reason, she had to let Oz go. She couldn't put her life before his. She began to leave the room, but Oz snagged her hand, holding her back.
"I want something more for us, Little B. I want us to enter our marriage knowing full well who we are so we don't become one of those resentful, bitter couples who always think the other one held them back somehow."
"You think I'm holding you back?" Beth said in disbelief, yanking her hand away.
"I think we're both capable of more," he said in a soft voice, his breath warm on her skin. She stepped back, wanting space. "What would you do if anything were possible? There's got to be a secret dream in there bursting to get out. Everyone has one."
She stalked to the room's doorway, swiping at her tears but unable to keep up with the flow. "You know what my dream is. I want a family. I want stability. To be smothered with love and a sense of belonging. I want people to lean on, and for us to be there for each other. I want to have a crowded table at Thanksgiving where everyone is laughing and shares a history. More than just Cynthia, Gran, and me reading a postcard from Dad. That's my dream." She flexed her hands. He didn't get what it was like not having a real family. Unlike him, she knew exactly what she wanted and had ever since she saw him rescuing Fluffy: him.
Her breathing became labored as she fought for control. Breathe, girl, breathe.
Oz tugged her to him and wrapped his strong arms around her, making it even harder to breathe. "I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry. But we've got to. I can't see any other way. I love you."
Beth sniffed and tried not to bawl. It was only a month. She could do a month. It would be fine.
"We'll be even better than ever after."
She nodded, trusting him. She pulled in a deep breath, trying to relax and be okay with the idea. What was she going to do about the wedding? Keep planning? Or was she supposed to hold off on that, too?
Oz said quietly, "I'll move out. Just for a bit."
Beth shoved him hard, sending him scrambling to stay upright. "No. No! People don't fix themselves in a bit. I can't live here without you, Oz." She gestured to the shelf of photos. "This isn't a home—my home—without you. I can't be surrounded by happy memories knowing you weren't happy when we were together and that you felt trapped and unsatisfied. That you wanted out." It was that simple. She had to be the one who left. She couldn't be the one sitting here waiting for him to come back.
Oz reached out. "Beth, it's not like that."
"Well, that's how it feels. Call me when you want me again." She wrenched the engagement ring off her finger and set it on top of the TV, tears streaking down her cheeks. She bolted from the trailer, slamming the door behind her.
Sobs rose up in her throat as she revved her Volvo, then popped it into gear. The tires screeched as she flew away from the trailer like a tornado. She pointed the wagon toward work, wiping away her tears with the heel of her hand as she wove down the road. Son of a bitch.
How did she become that woman? How had she misread his cues about him wanting family and a big house? And what the heck was wrong with being like everyone else? She shivered and cranked the car's heat. How was she going to survive being away from him for a whole month when they lived in the same town? The rumor mill was going to lock it into overdrive and steamroll them until there was nothing left.
She flicked on the wipers, swishing the cold spring rain to the side. She slowed her thoughts to match the wiper's pacing. Her Plan A for all crises was to run to her sister. But with Oz's words still ringing in her ears, she knew she couldn't ask her sister to save her. Not this time. She had to let her sister live her life. Just like she had to let Oz live his.
Plan B was always Gran. But Gran couldn't take her in. Which meant Plan C.
Unfortunately, there was no Plan C.
Her best friend, Katie, lived in a one-bedroom basement suite and was also Oz's kid sister meaning she couldn't put her in a position where it looked like she was choosing sides. And everyone else in town... well, she didn't want to go there for a whole month.
The problem with standing on her own two feet, which was exactly what she needed to do, was that her own two feet couldn't afford setting her up in a new place. And a new place for one month was unrealistic. She'd really screwed the pooch thanks to her stupid pride.
She hunched over her steering wheel, hurt clenching her soul as she stared at the delicate buds trying to leaf out on the trees lining the road. She stared until the world fuzzed out of focus and a car tooted cheerfully behind her. She bolted upright, forcing herself to steer her car through the four-way stop and on to work. Although the wipers creaked their way across the windshield, her vision remained blurred by water. She dabbed at her eyes with the sleeve of her cardigan and wrestled with the urge to run. Run from Oz and the pain of his rejection. Run from the town and the inevitable gossip, meddling, and kind-hearted looks which would break her down piece by piece. Run from this place, so laden with memories. Run from everything.
But she couldn't. She couldn't run out on Gran, Cynthia, and her patients just because she was experiencing a painful speed bump in her love life. Sighing with resignation she pulled into the hospital's parking lot and stared at the low brick building. Finishing her afternoon shift while she looked and felt like a bag of run-over crap was going to suck big time.
Sighing, she plopped one foot out of the car, then the other. She stomped through a cold puddle, squelching her way down the hospital's hallways seeking Katie who was on day shift. Despite knowing Katie couldn't save her, she needed some no-nonsense advice from the friend who'd been there since the day she found Beth hiding in a corner of the funeral home bawling her eyes out over her mother. Katie had rubbed her back and handed her tissue after tissue without saying a word. When Beth was finally all cried out, Katie had pulled her down the alley behind Main Street and told her to wait outside the back door of Benny's Big Burger. With a confidence that had surprised fourteen-year-old Beth, Katie had strode into Benny's unused delivery entranc
e and returned a minute later with a pie plate containing half of his well-known chocolate maven pie and two forks. They'd plunked down in the alley, their backs against the rough brick wall, and dug in. When they were done with the pie, not only were they best friends, but Katie had slipped back into the restaurant to return the plate and forks putting Beth at ease.
Pausing in the quiet hospital hall, the smell of antiseptic clinging to her, Beth peeked around the corner, hoping to spy Katie's familiar kitten-patterned nursing scrubs. Katie sat at her nursing station, head bent, a slight smile on her face—without a doubt reading a romance novel. Beth checked her watch. She'd missed over an hour of her afternoon shift. Taking a deep breath, she scurried to Katie, keeping her head lowered so nobody could see her bloodshot eyes.
"Oh, hey," Katie glanced up, slipping papers into an uneven stack, almost like she was stashing a novel in among them.
"Hiding a gushy romance?" Beth asked in a gloomily voice, her attempt at humor failing. God, this was going to suck. Everyone was going to know there was trouble before coffee break even hit.
Katie cleared her throat and cast her eyes to the side, her fingers fidgeting with the stack of papers. "Did Dr. Leham find you? He paged you, like, twenty times."
"What? Who?"
"The new guy. Dr. Leham."
"Oh, right. No."
Katie frowned at Beth. "You feeling okay? You don't look too good." She swiftly brought Beth behind the protection of the nursing station's high counter and pushed her into a chair, twisting her away from an incoming nurse.
Beth rubbed her bare finger and tried to smile. "Know anyone who needs a temporary roommate?"
Katie spit out the coffee she was drinking and began coughing and sputtering. "What!? Where the hell is your ring?"
Beth bit her lower lip, trying to stop from tearing up. "We're taking a break."
"Holy tarnation! Is this because of Mandy? I know she's still yearning after him, but I thought he'd learned his lesson with her ages ago."
