by Jean Oram
"And?"
He shrugged, smearing the fingerprints he'd left on the wineglass. "I wanted to take some classes or something. Figure out who I wanted to be."
"What did he say? Why didn't you tell me this?"
Oz met her eye. "He said I couldn't support us if I did that. And that he couldn't get someone who was qualified all the way out to Blueberry Springs to fill in for me part-time and he wasn't about to take up my slack. He told me it was all in or all out."
"When? Why didn't you tell him to take a hike? Why didn't you quit?" Beth asked, leaning forward.
"We'd been engaged for a month or two. And he was right. We couldn't afford it and I couldn't give up a good career to blindly jump into the unknown. That's when I started teaching those computer classes at night. Just to see." He gave a short bark of wry laughter. "You know why I tried computers?"
"Why?" she asked, fearing the answer.
"Because Dad thought I was good with technology. And you know why I quit teaching the classes?"
Beth shook her head. She'd always figured he'd run out of students.
"I sucked at it. I didn't even have enough interest to find the answers when my students asked me something I didn't know. I realized then that I had to take more time to figure out what my real interests were. But how could I do that? We were saving up for a place and you want..." With his free hand he grabbed one of hers and gave it a squeeze. "You need family. I realized I was going to end up stuck or else doing to you exactly what I'd done to Mandy. I couldn't pull you along for years when I wasn't ready. It wasn't fair. You don't trap the ones you love."
"Oz, I wouldn't have been trapped. And Blueberry Springs is like family."
"I know, I know. But I couldn't not give you what you wanted. I saw where we were heading and it wouldn't have been good for either for us." He leaned close, his hand still wrapped around hers. "You don't do that to the woman you love."
Beth blinked back tears, taking her hand back. "Why didn't you say something?" Why didn't he try to change their future? Their future together.
Oz grew quiet. Finally, in a low voice he said, "I was going to but Dad and I had a fight. A really big one. I caused his heart attack." Oz's shoulders shook as though he was at the epicenter of two rifting plates. The stem broke off the wineglass and he stared at the pieces in his hands like he couldn't quite comprehend how they'd come apart.
"Oz..." Beth said, reaching out to place a hand on his arm. His shoulders drooped and his eyes grew wet.
He shook his head, gently setting the broken glass on top of the box. "I told him I wanted out of the business. That I hated it. That I hated him. That he was ruining my life."
Beth held in a gasp.
"He started having chest pains and I kept on yelling at him thinking he was trying to shut me down like he had so many time before. I had so much to get off my chest—I felt like he'd kept me from figuring out who I was. There was so much I needed for him to hear." He stopped, his voice breaking. He continued on faster, "He told me I couldn't do it to you. I couldn't change my life. That you'd never forgive me. That you needed and deserved something more. I would be giving up the best thing in my life. I was a spoiled baby if I thought I could drop my responsibilities and obligations to others so I could go play with wood. He told me to man up." He gave Beth a pained look. "So, of course I had to show him."
Beth sucked in a breath, unable to let it out. Hurt sliced through her trembling body. She needed to cover her ears, close her eyes, hide under the table—anything to escape this awful revelation of how their relationship had been destroyed by someone who thought he was saving it.
"Him giving me the business? That was his last trap. If I wasn't going to man up, he would make me. He didn't think I'd walk away and lose it all."
"But you still had your share of the business?"
"Six point five in the end."
"But that would hardly amount to anything!" Beth panicked, thinking how he'd given her what must have amounted to almost a quarter of his equity and how he had maybe enough to live on for a year. A year before he would be back looking for a job that would suck his soul because a year wasn't enough time to build a woodworking business. He'd be stuck again.
"It's given me enough breathing room. I know what I want to do with my life." He gripped her hands in his and looked her in the eye. "Thank you, Beth. I know I hurt you, but you saved me."
"I didn't save you," Beth scoffed bitterly. And you broke my heart!
"Yes, you did. And I know it's been hard, and I'm sorry. But it's true, I couldn't have done this without you," he said softly. He thumbed the diamond on her left hand and slowly released her hands. He stepped away and raked his hands through his hair. "It wasn't like I would've ever measured up for him anyway. But the guilt. God. To give him a heart attack. To take away his livelihood."
"It's not your fault," Beth said, her heart lightening. He was following his dreams and was free of his father and, maybe, like he believed, she had helped by letting him go. Now, all she had to do was tell her heart to do the same. "He could have gone back to work. A heart attack could've happened at any time. At least you were with him."
Oz brushed off her words. "I know. But it doesn't make me feel any better. I told him I hated him. What if he'd died? What if I'd killed him? What if those had been the last words—" His voice caught and they remained silent for a moment, the sounds of the dance like a muffled heartbeat through the walls.
"He had you cornered, Oz. It was the only way to escape."
"Was it though?" he asked, his eyes turning away, forehead furrowed.
Beth nodded, ignoring the fact that he could have told her how desperately he needed to change things. Ignoring the fact that if he had trusted her, trusted them, that maybe they'd still be together.
"But I sold his legacy," he said, doubt darkening his eyes.
Beth gave Oz a soft punch in the arm. "That's what kids are for. They're our legacy." She winked playfully.
Oz laughed. "You're always thinking about kids, aren't you?"
"Not always." She smiled, feeling a closeness and kinship she'd missed. Letting him go was going to be even harder than she'd imagined.
Chapter 17
Nash eased onto the couch beside her, his face as pale as his old cotton tee. "What's up?"
Beth bowed her head and unclipped her necklace. The conversation with Oz had worn her out. The whole wedding had. She'd been hoping Nash would be asleep when she got home so she could curl up in bed and forget the whole night.
It was embarrassing to think how she'd let herself get sucked into the dream of her and Oz reunited when all he'd wanted was her forgiveness and understanding. She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. Stupid. That's what she was.
Nash placed a blanket over her shoulders. "Did you see Oz tonight?" he asked.
Beth nodded.
"Is that what's bothering you?"
"He asked for my forgiveness." She couldn't bear to look Nash in the eye. She felt that by enjoying her dance with Oz and entertaining the idea of them being together again she'd betrayed Nash. Even though she hadn't acted upon any of it. Good fiancées were not supposed to double book their heart.
Although, she supposed she'd gained what she was seeking tonight: closure so she could snip the final thread between them. But if she'd gained closure, why didn't it feel light and easy? Why did it feel like a heartbreak hangover and as though the whole world would never brighten or be cheery again?
And if this was closure, why did it feel like the years she'd spent yearning after Oz?
Nash gave her a poorly disguised look of exasperation. "Of course he asked for forgiveness. You're both moving on. This town is so bloody small everyone has to stay on good terms or you end up pissing off the only parts guy in town." He gave a resigned sigh. "And then where will you be?"
Beth's body stilled. "The rumor about you and Frankie is true?" She'd avoided asking him about the incident, hoping so much that it had been
a simple misunderstanding that had been blown out of proportion by the rumor mongers.
Nash's face rouged with anger.
Beth sighed. When was he going to learn how to live in a small town? "I've already heard Frankie's side, Nash."
"He was trying to break into my car," Nash said in a tight voice. "He said he was putting a part on the seat for you, but it was this tiny little thing and you weren't even shopping with me! Like you'd need that carried out. I can't believe he thought he'd get away with stealing from me in broad daylight!" He punctuated his sentences with finger jabs to the air. "Right on Main Street. I could hear my alarm from the flower shop. What a bloody moron. Now, if I need a part ordered in what am I going to do? He's the only guy in town who can get the right reflectors for my car and Lauretta keeps cracking them whenever she takes Sal out in a wheelchair."
Really? Mr. Smarty Pants PhD hadn't figured out the spot beside the wheelchair ramp was always vacant for a reason? She pulled in a breath and said quietly, "Nash, I asked Frankie to put the part in your car."
Nash shook his head furiously, causing his face to pale. "You were at home wrapping your sister's wedding gift."
"Yes, but I knew you were shopping across the street from Frankie's. You weren't answering your cell so I called Frankie and asked him to put the fuse I needed on my account and to put it in your car. He does that kind of stuff all the time."
Nash leaned back against the cushions, looking spent. "He called me Nash-hole."
A laugh escaped before she could stop it. "Aw, Nash." Dear God, that was going to stick in her head and attempt to pop out every time they had a fight. She shook her head, torn. It was going to take a long time before Nash fit into a town like Blueberry Springs.
Nash grew still. "Did he ask you back?" he asked quietly.
Beth snapped her head up to meet his eyes. "No."
Nash nodded, looking immensely relieved. He stood and smiled. "He's a better man than I anticipated."
She flinched. "What's going on between you two?"
"What kind of man would interfere with his ex moving on to a good thing?"
"What, Nash?"
"I heard rumors. I'm glad they are unfounded."
"Rumors?" Beth's heart quickened.
"Everyone's saying you're missing out on a good thing. That's he's the old Oz again. But I knew you wouldn't be interested." He sat and laid a hand on her knee. He cocked a grin. "You and your future family deserve love and stability. And that is something I can provide, plus some. And you don't have to wait for me to get my life together."
"There's no race or rush, Nash," she said tightly. "We need to have a strong relationship first." She flicked Nash's hand off her knee. "My ex is not competition."
"You need family. You've said so yourself."
"Kids can wait until we're ready. Blueberry Springs is family."
Nash raised an eyebrow as if to say some family. "The right thing for you to do is to walk away from him."
She stood, exasperated. "I already have! I'm here with you!" She clenched her hands by her side. "Can't you see you're the one I've chosen? What do you want from me?"
Nash blinked. He ran a hand through his hair, every strand perfectly in place even though he'd spent most of the day with his head against a pillow. "I'm sorry, Beth. I don't know what came over me. I love you. Come here." He pulled her into his arms. "I will guard your heart and keep it safe."
She relaxed against him, holding him tight. This time, no matter what it took, she wouldn't let a good thing slip away.
***
Beth studied Nash, his head bent low to study the medical journal on the kitchen island. He was handsome, loyal, and strong. Smart and endearing. Her heart swelled with love and she ran a hand along the back of his shoulders, leaning over to plant a kiss on his smooth cheek.
February and March had been rough. It felt like every time she turned around there was a wedding roadblock whether it was the availability of the minister, the caterer hurting her wrist, or even just getting the baker to settle on whether or not he could make the cake they had chosen. She breathed a sigh of relief thinking of all they had gone through to pull this grand wedding together in such a short amount of time. And now they were within a week of saying their vows.
She rubbed his shoulders and he leaned his head back, resting it on her shoulder. "Hey," he said gently. "I love you."
"You can say that again."
"I love you," he said, laughter lifting his voice.
"Wanna work on our vows?"
"Sure." He tucked a bookmark in the journal and flipped it closed. He spun to face her on the stool. "I meant to tell you earlier, the florist said their supplier is experiencing a blush rose shortage due to weather somewhere or other." He ran a hand down his face and forced a smile. He looked drained. He'd seemed tense for the past few days and she wondered if the idea of getting remarried had been weighing on his mind. "She's planning to place yellow roses in the bouquets instead. I told her that was fine. However, I was wondering if we should make a few minor changes to our color scheme?"
"It'll be fine." Beth smiled and climbed into Nash's lap. He wobbled on the backless stool and she gave him a deep kiss. "Thanks for all your help with the wedding. You've been amazing." Despite the minor issues, she was nowhere near a bridezilla and that was directly due to him.
"It's no problem," he said, surprised. "It's kind of fun. Natasha kept me out of the planning when we got married so it's been nice." He rubbed his nose against hers. "I like working with you."
She smiled and gave him a kiss. "You've seemed tense. Are you worried?"
"About Oz?"
She frowned and leaned away. "What? Why?" She slipped off his lap.
"Uh." He cleared his throat, throwing her a sheepish look. He ran a hand through his hair. "I've felt a bit threatened."
Beth blinked. "Threatened? Has he been threatening you?"
"I love you, and want to marry you. My heart is intrinsically tied to yours. I can't bear the idea of harm ever coming to you in any way."
Chills ran through Beth. "What happened, Nash?"
"Everywhere I go, I hear about Oz. Everyone has such high hopes for him. It's threatening."
Beth crossed her arms, relieved but aggravated. "Threatening?"
"Everywhere I go in Blueberry Springs, I have to measure up to Oz. The Before Oz. The New Oz. The Oz who knows everyone, is friendly, helpful, and was devoted to you. According to half the town, you two were the perfect couple whereas I can't even find the right arena to compete with the guy. I can't be Oz. I'm Nash." He thumped a fist on the island and let out a rough laugh.
She swallowed hard. "I'm marrying you, not Oz."
"I know, but this is about me. My feelings. People refuse to accept that I'm the new guy who has new things to offer. Like money, prestige, success, and security, which has always been valued by everyone I know. In Dakota, I'm a catch. But out here...." He shook his head and turned his hands over, staring at his smooth, empty palms. "Out here, I'm just an outsider. A man who can't fix a snowmobile and is oblivious to when you plant winter wheat. What the hell does winter have to do about the wheat? Its color? When you plant it? Harvest it? What? I don't know. It's like half the time everyone is speaking a foreign language. And there are so many industries out here to know about. Mining, exploring and tourism, lumber, ranching, farming. You name it, you have it."
He let out a sigh and rubbed his face.
"I'm an intruder. I haven't lived here forever. I don't know everyone and everything. I'm clueless about everything deemed important here. I'm the outsider who drives a car from Germany. I will never measure up to Oz. I will never fit in. And even though Blueberry Springs is important to you, I just can't do it. I can't find the door in." Nash's forehead furrowed and his hands clenched. "People think I'm cold."
She stared into Nash's flat eyes, stunned. She had assumed his strength made him immune to caring whether or not he fit in. She felt for him, but she also knew that
in the city she'd be in the exact same position and that if he tried—really and honestly tried—that the town would warm up to him and bring him into their fold.
"They don't think you're cold," Beth said, swallowing the partial lie. She reached for his hand, searching for a way to explain that people liked and admired him despite his differences. "They don't understand you, that's all. They find you closed compared to everyone else. It's not fair to judge you by the same standards because you don't have the lifetime of training for all the minute social nuances—that's assuming you'd want to be like all us country bumpkins." She made herself choke out a half-laugh.
"Is that what it is? I need training?" Nash frowned.
"Hey," she called softly. She waited for him to look at her. "People admire and respect you because you are a doctor and you treat me right. You do good work, Nash. Those are very important qualities around these parts. Those make you a real man whether you know about winter wheat or not."
She held his hand and focused on him, rocked that Blueberry Springs had him feeling so insecure and not sure what she could do about it—if anything.
***
Beth slid a sheet of paper and a pen across the kitchen island toward Nash. "Cynthia said they wrote down everything they loved about each other and that became their vows. Shall we try it?" She took a swallow of her rum and Coke and cracked her knuckles. Despite Nash's earlier revelation she still wanted to get their vows crossed off their list, even if she wasn't feeling quite as inspired as she was half an hour ago.
Nash winced. "Don't do that."
"Do what?"
"Crack your knuckles."
Beth bit down a grin and slowly, cracked her thumb. He closed his eyes and drew in a long, controlled breath. She let out a delighted laugh. She was looking forward to many wonderful years of torturing this poor, unexpected soul.
