* * *
All morning he kept himself busy at the ranch. He spent hours working with the Angus cattle in the southern pasture. And when he was done, he went straight to work on a project in the stables. Around midday he caught sight of Holly in the corral, having her lesson with Malachi, but he didn’t venture outside to watch. After last night, he didn’t have the slightest idea how to get things back to normal. He still felt so off-kilter, with his mind racing in a hundred different directions. He was afraid she would see the uncertainty in his eyes and call him on it. How could he tell her everything that was bottled up inside him?
After her lesson, Holly sought him out as he was trimming Warrior’s hooves. She kept a respectable distance until he was finished. Having grown up around horses, Holly knew all too well the dangers of startling a horse.
“He’s really taken to you,” she said once he’d finished the job.
“I think he likes having my undivided attention,” he answered as he rewarded Warrior with a sugar cube. “Haven’t met a horse yet who didn’t like to be pampered a little bit.”
Within seconds, the conversation between them stalled out. The silence between them was weighty. Holly kept casting him curious glances, as if she was trying to figure something out. And he couldn’t seem to find his way back to that comfortable, easy rapport they’d established. He kept wanting to look over his shoulder to make sure his father wasn’t going to show up and shatter the sweet peace he’d found.
Holly frowned at him. “You seem a million miles away from here.”
He tried to smile at her in an attempt to lighten the mood, but his mouth didn’t seem to want to cooperate.
“What are you talking about? A man can’t be in two places at the same time,” he said, trying to make his tone sound light.
“Something’s changed in you since last night,” she said in a quiet voice. “You haven’t been the same ever since you ran into your father.”
He shot her a questioning look. Was his mood that heavy? Was there a dark storm cloud hovering over his head?
She continued, “You seem somber. Distracted. And right now you just seem to be going through the motions.”
He bowed his head. It was already happening. He could tell by the wounded tone in Holly’s voice that she was hurt by his behavior. Confused about his moody temperament. Disillusioned. Pretty soon everything would fall apart. Everything was slipping away from him.
“I’m sorry if I’m disappointing you.” And he was sorry. More than he could put into words.
Holly met his gaze, her eyes flashing with surprise. “You haven’t disappointed me. I just wish you’d let me in. I know you’re hurting. I know your father showing up knocked you off balance. But you’re holding it all in. I thought we could talk about anything.” She let out a sigh. “In our letters we always managed to cut through everything and get straight to the important stuff. Has that changed?”
He didn’t know how to answer that question. Truthfully, with his father being in West Falls, it felt as if everything had changed. How could he put it all into words and make her understand?
“Holly, I’m not sure you could ever see where I’m coming from. How I feel. Your whole life you’ve had this solid, intact family unit. Me, I don’t know what a real family is. What it looks like. Seeing my dad just reminds me of what I am, where I come from.”
Holly shook her head fiercely. “Your mother was your family, Dylan. And she did a wonderful job raising you, despite all the financial hardships, the gossipmongers and being a single mother.”
“Yeah, she did,” he said with a nod. “But my father—he bailed on us. Me, especially. I have no idea what it’s like to have a father, one who puts you first and loves you unconditionally. He didn’t even give me his last name. You have no idea what that does to a person.”
She looked stricken, and her cheeks were flushed crimson. “No, I don’t know. I can’t imagine how much pain you’ve gone through. To tell you the truth, it hurts me to even think about it. But what I do know is that you can’t let your past determine your future.”
“But what if I’m like him, Holly? What if I bail on you when things get tough?” He turned toward her, seeking an outlet from all the turbulent emotions he was waging war against. “I don’t want to ever hurt you like that. I don’t ever want to be the one to cause you pain. I can’t let that happen!”
* * *
Fear trickled along her spine. The intensity in Dylan’s voice was causing warning signs to flash before her very eyes. He sounded so unsure, as if he were precariously straddling a fence, with no certainty as to which side he might land on.
Suddenly, she felt as if everything was slipping away from her. Every dream she’d nurtured for herself and Dylan hung in the balance. And there was nothing she could do to change things. He was wavering. He was backing away from what they’d built. She could hear it in his voice. It shimmered in his eyes and in the way he looked at her. Her heart sank into her belly.
In some ways she’d always expected this. Ever since Dylan had arrived in West Falls, she’d been dreading this moment. He’d always been just out of reach, like a high-flying kite she’d never been able to hold on to. So far she’d been savoring all the precious moments they’d shared, just in case things didn’t work out the way she hoped. Instead of prolonging the agony, she wanted to cut to the chase. It was always better to rip off the bandage rather than to tug at it, bit by bit. Either way, she knew it was going to be unbearably painful.
“What are you saying?” Her mouth felt as dry as sandpaper, yet she somehow pushed the words out. “It’s best if you just spit it out.”
Dylan raked his fingers through his hair. “I stayed up last night, thinking this through.” Dylan’s eyes were bleak. Empty. “I’m going to be moving on from West Falls.”
“Moving on?” she asked dully. Had she heard him right? “But I thought—”
She swallowed painfully. Her tongue felt heavy. What had she thought? That Dylan would stay in West Falls forever? That they would ride off into the sunset together? That he would love her?
“I thought we were—” Her throat constricted as she tried to utter the words. Pride wouldn’t let her finish her sentence.
“I know. So did I.” He let out an agonized groan, and his tortured gaze swept over her. “I’m not the man you need. Don’t you see, Holly? I’m broken. Seeing my father brought a lot of issues to the surface. It made me realize how unfair I was being to you. How can I promise you a future when I’m not even sure of anything myself? Coming face-to-face with him after all this time brings back all the doubts and insecurities. I thought I’d closed a door on that, but I haven’t.”
“I haven’t asked for promises,” she said in a quiet voice. She hadn’t asked for anything from him other than his forgiveness. It still surprised her that he’d given it to her so freely. But the truth was, she wanted so much more.
Dylan was rattling off a string of excuses, each and every one sounding like a platitude. The bottom line was he didn’t want her. And he wasn’t sticking around to fight for the life they could have together. He was giving up. He was running.
Waves of pain washed over her. She pressed her hands against her belly as her insides roiled and twisted. Was this Dylan’s version of “it’s not you, it’s me”?
“I know you haven’t asked for anything, Holly. And you probably never would. You believe in people, and you give everyone the benefit of the doubt.” A poignant smile swept across his face. “But you deserve promises...and commitment and devotion. I have no doubt you’ll find those things.”
“Just not with you.” She choked the words out, almost against her will. Dylan locked gazes with her, and she watched as a tremor ran along his jaw. He seemed to be fighting some invisible battle. He opened his mouth, then shut it. He clenched his teeth.
A look of pain was etched on his face. He sucked in a deep breath. “I’ve got to go pack up my things and talk to Doc.”
She now knew what it felt like to lose the love of her life. It was so much more incredibly painful than she’d ever imagined. Why hadn’t she known it would be this awful, this devastating? Why hadn’t she prepared herself for this possibility? How could she have allowed herself to get so wrapped up in loving him that she’d forgotten to wear her suit of armor? For so long she’d been shielding her heart, yet in one fell swoop, Dylan had torn down all her defenses and wedged his way into her very soul. And now she was going to lose him. She was going to have to live a life without him.
Dear Lord, give me enough strength to let go of Dylan with grace and humility. I love him more than words can ever say, but I know that doesn’t give me the right to hold on to him. I have to love him enough to let him go and make a life for himself on his own terms.
She wanted him to stay. If begging would do the trick, she’d have done it, throwing her pride to the wind in the process. But what would she gain by having Dylan stick around out of pity? No, that was the furthest thing from what she wanted. He’d marked her, branded her very soul with his gentleness and goodness. Because of him she would never be the same. Despite her fear of rejection, she’d opened up her heart to him. She’d cast away all her fears and insecurities, all in the hopes of making a future with him.
And since she loved him—with every fiber of her being—she had to let him go.
“Dylan, I’m not going to beg you to stay. If something inside of you is telling you that a life in West Falls isn’t the life you want for yourself, I have to respect that. From the moment I read your first letter, I wanted nothing but good things to come your way. And that hasn’t changed one bit.”
He reached out and swept his palm across her cheek, his fingers trembling as they grazed her skin.
“Will you—?” His voice broke off, swallowed up by emotion.
She knew instinctively what he was asking. “Don’t worry about me. I’m going to live my life,” she said in a strangled voice. “I’m going to stretch myself, to go after all the things I want to accomplish. Whether it’s rock climbing or going on a plane by myself or carrying a child, I’m reaching for the brass ring.”
He brushed his hand over his face and heaved a tremendous sigh. “Holly, you deserve all that and so much more. I wish I was the man who could make all your dreams come true.”
He bent down and brushed a fleeting kiss across her lips. His lips tasted salty, and she realized it was her own tears, which had slid down her face onto her mouth. Bravely, she wiped them away. Before she knew it, he was walking away from her and out of the stables, disappearing from view within seconds. She steeled herself against the ripples of pain coursing through her body.
Loving Dylan was out of her control. Losing him wasn’t something she’d ever wanted to face, although from the moment he’d arrived in West Falls, a part of her had always feared it would happen. But her life wasn’t over. She still had miles and miles to go on her journey. In a few weeks, she’d be heading to Boston in order to meet one of the top specialists in the world. An unexpected phone call from the doctor’s office had forced her to make a swift decision. She’d said yes to the consultation, knowing it would allow her to get the answers she needed. She was going to swallow her fear so she could create positive changes in her life. Although a part of her soul would always belong to Dylan, she loved herself enough to know she deserved happiness.
She was no different from Cassidy or Regina or Jenna. They all yearned for the same things. A family. Faith. Someone special to adore and be adored by. A soft place to rest their heads at night when the day was done. Cherished friends. She wanted it all. A life she would proudly live out for as long as she graced this earth.
Before Dylan had come into her life, she’d really not been sure what she could give back as a partner. Now she knew. She’d never really considered herself worthy of the happily ever after. In the back of her mind, there had always been a niggling idea that she wasn’t wife material. But that was yesterday. In God’s eyes, she was perfect. Now there were no more doubts about whether she was whole enough or whether her disability would be a burden. Real, lasting love saw past all that. Someone who loved her, truly loved her, wouldn’t allow obstacles to get in his way. And she knew Dylan’s doubts had nothing to do with her disability. It was about his feelings of self-doubt and his fear of following in his father’s footsteps. He was tangled up in the past. He was stuck. She wasn’t. Not any longer.
* * *
Dylan drew in a sharp breath as he made his way to his truck. An agonizing sensation seized his chest. He wasn’t breathing normally. Everything was a blur. He didn’t feel steady on his feet.
He’d just hurt the most wonderful woman he’d ever known, and even though he knew he was sparing her pain in the long run, it still gutted him to do it. The urge to turn around and run back toward Holly was overwhelming. Every step he took in the opposite direction caused him to physically ache.
He vaulted into his truck, revved his engine and drove away from Horseshoe Bend Ranch as fast as he possibly could. Maybe, just maybe, he could outrun the pain. That was what he was good at, wasn’t it? Running. Instead of easing up, the hurt was intensifying.
Walking away from Holly might just kill me, he realized. Never in his life had he felt this overwhelming sense of loss. There was a twisting sensation in his stomach, threatening to double him over. He was battling a tidal wave of emotions. The urge to run away was strong. It was what he always did, wasn’t it?
He didn’t belong here! Holly was a vital part of this town. She was the all-American girl who everyone adored. He, on the other hand, was just a visitor passing through West Falls. So why did it feel as if his right arm was being chopped off? Somewhere along the way he’d become a part of the fabric of this town. Aside from Holly, he’d forged relationships with Doc Sampson, Malachi, as well as Frank and Maggie. And the ranch hands were quickly becoming some of his closest buddies. It killed him to think how deeply he’d wounded Holly. He’d seen the devastation and confusion in her eyes. It mirrored all the emotions he’d been at war with ever since his father had waltzed back into his life.
As he reached the cottage, he parked his truck and got out. For a few minutes he stood in front of the door, not fully understanding why he couldn’t force himself over the threshold. He stalked back toward his truck, then retreated a few paces. He continued to walk back and forth between the cottage and his truck, his mind whirling with a hundred different thoughts.
Despite all he’d accomplished in his twenty-seven years, he still didn’t feel good enough. That was what this was all about. The wounds were still there, just under the surface, always ready to creep back into existence. The childhood he’d experienced could never be undone. And the scars would carry over into his relationships—his ability to fully commit, to believe in the durability of love.
All this time he’d thought his doubts were about Holly. But in actuality, they had always been about him. His past. His fears. His running away. His doubts about being able to fully love a woman for the long haul. The legacy he’d inherited from his father.
He sat down on the front stoop. Wasn’t it time he dealt with it? He was tired of running, and he was emotionally exhausted. It was one thing when his past caused him pain, but now it was hurting Holly, as well. And he didn’t have to run away from West Falls to know that he couldn’t breathe properly without her. He couldn’t think straight, couldn’t smile, laugh or do much of anything. Without her, he wasn’t complete. There was a big, gaping hole in his life without Holly in it.
He was in love with Holly Lynch. The knowledge came sweeping over him like a strong gust of wind. Over-the-moon, can’t-stop-thinking-about-her, soul-shattering love. He could try to push away those feelings for all eternity and they would sti
ll be there, nestled around his heart like a vise.
He loved Holly. He would always love her. She was a beautiful, healing balm. The letters she’d written to him had turned his whole life around. She’d strengthened his faith and given him the strongest motivation possible to survive Afghanistan. She soothed his soul in a way no one else ever had. There was no one else who would ever be able to, he imagined. Holly made him laugh out loud. She’d brought him closer to the Lord and made him believe that all things were possible. Her humble spirit and giving nature made him want to be a better man.
And each time he looked into her soulful eyes, he saw every dream he’d ever wished for reflected back at him. He couldn’t imagine finding all those things in another woman, not if he searched the whole world over. And running away from West Falls, away from Holly, wouldn’t change the way he felt. A home. Kids. A woman who would stand by his side, come what may. The possibilities were endless.
He heard someone calling his name. Doc was standing there, staring at him with a furrowed brow and a bewildered expression.
“Son, are you okay? I got your message that you needed to see me immediately. Is something wrong?” Doc’s gravelly voice was laced with worry.
He’d completely forgotten that he’d left a message at the diner for Doc. A few hours ago he’d had every intention of giving the keys to the cottage back to him and saying his goodbyes before heading out of West Falls. Now nothing could be further from the truth. He wasn’t going anywhere. It just wasn’t possible. For the first time in his life, he knew he was planted right where he belonged. And he intended to let Holly know in no uncertain terms how he felt about her. As a feeling of euphoria washed over him, he reached out and clapped his hand on Doc’s shoulder. His hand landed more forcefully than he’d intended, causing Doc to jump a little.
“I’m good.” He threw back his head and let out a cackle of laughter. “No, I’m better than good. I’m great. Fantastic, actually.”
Try as he might to contain it, he was acting like a giddy fool. And even though he was slightly embarrassed, the other emotions he was feeling were way more important.
Heart of a Soldier Page 16
