by Ron Foster
Let me unbutton this mattress from the cabs bed, well you left me the sheets and I damn sure don’t need a blanket at the moment. I prefer my tarp thank you if I get stuck I the rain. “What’s this” I say as I spy an envelope, Yee hah! $500 in fifties, guess you had other things on your mind to forget this, but your loss is my gain as I grinned and begin to back out of the cab of the truck dragging the mattress and the rest of my loot in a pillow case. I was reaching back in the cab for the pillow that went with it when I faintly heard Dump hollering at me.
“David! David!” he was bellowing like an excited water buffalo. I walked around to the front of the truck and saw Dump gesturing at me from across the median.
“Come here, you ain’t going to believe this!” he was shouting with some enthusiasm.
“Ok, on my way” I yelled back and proceeded in his direction.
“What’s up” I inquired while approaching him.
“Take a gander at this” he said all beside himself with glee.
“What is it?” I kept repeating as I jumped the median barrier and hurried towards him.
“Come around here!” he cried, while moving around the front of the big rig that he had just dragged a mattress and some other goods out of.
“Ok! Ok! I am coming!” I yelled back as I rounded the front of the truck to see Dump standing there grinning and doing a magicians wah la motion towards a….
“Beer truck!” I hollered in response.
“Beer truck” Dump reaffirmed proudly, puffing out his chest.
“And you don’t have the doors open already, where’s your manners?” I joked hurrying towards it.
“Damn thing is locked.” he said to my dismay.
“Shit, Tire tool maybe?” I said raising an eyebrow.
“We haven’t had much luck acquiring one of those.” he stated.
“Hang on” I said eying the lock down chains on the back of the rig he had got his mattress from.
“We might can knock the padlock off with one of those or make it spring.” I said hopefully.
“I got just the ticket possibly.” Dump said and went back around the front of the truck and produced somebody’s country craftsmanship of a trailer hitch topping off about two foot of what appeared to be a hickory mattock handle.
“Damn that’s a nasty looking weapon, look here lemme see that.” I said reaching for the deadly looking tire thumper.
“Watch this shit and learn a new trick, Dumpie” I confirmed my intent to get into the beer truck by whacking the outside edge of the padlock.
“Man you can’t beat that thing off. “Dump said skeptically.
“Hell I can’t” I responded and gave it another whack.
“You see, Dump. I got practice at this. When someone loses a key to their locker in the Army, you got two choices to get in it. A Drill Sergeant’s key which is a well worn pair of bolt cutters or, as I have done, hit it with the back of an axe. If you hit it just right next to the top of where the locking mechanism of the bar is, it will spring open.” I explained, while renewing my efforts and causing a spark to fly.
“This damn thing is rounded so I can’t get a good lick on it, give me a second.” I said while beating on the lock unmercifully.
“Ka Ching!’ the lock busted.
“In like Flynn.” I boasted raising the door to the bin holding my goodnight medicine.
“Well, I’ll be damned!” Dump said, reaching for a hot one.
I grabbed one and we both popped the tops and made various exclamations about not liking hot beer, but it sure tasted good at the moment, while we were leaning against the side of the truck.
“Hey, we found Stewart a new business.” I said laughing.
“Yeah, Man! He can open a new bar out here; call it the Red Neck Riviera!” Dump exclaimed.
“Ha, and you could bounce and I could collect the money.” I chuckled.
“Seriously, though Bro, we got to watch the beer tonight, because we’re going to be sweating bullets and dehydrating come tomorrows walk.” I said.
“No problem, I am aware of that.” Dump said while trying to get a glimpse over the divider to the next bin.
“Hey, there are bottles over there. You reckon Stewart has a bottle opener?” he guffawed.
“If not I might sell him one.” I chuckled.
“Minus the service fees for opening the door for him, of course.” Dump said grinning.
“Hey, there should be a hand truck shoved under the back of this thing lets go get it.” I replied.
“Damn, Davie boy you don’t miss a trick do you.” Dump responded while walking towards the back of the vehicle with myself tagging along.
“Try not to, but I can’t think of any ‘hand truck’ jokes at the moment.” I said trying to get a rise out of him about his nickname.
“You’re a smart ass Dave, a funny smart ass, but a smart ass all the same.” he told me while dragging the hand truck out from under the bumper at the back of the truck.
“How much beer you want to grab?” he said while pulling a case off the stack.
“Grab one more and that ought to do us, but I am going to reach over in that other bin just to get a bottle and share some jokes with Stewart.” I quipped while crawling into the cavernous, but oven like interior of the truck.
We loaded up our mattresses, beer and whatever else goods would fit on the hand truck and proceeded back towards Stewart’s Camp with me carrying my pillow case and Dumpie playing my pack mule.
“Yo, Stewart, the guests have arrived.” I hollered up to the sight of Stewart adding some more debris to his fire. What’s up with him keeping that damn thing going as hot as it is I wondered?
“”You look like you did well!” he hollered back at the sight of me toting a bag and Dump following my charge with an over loaded hand cart.
“That we did!” I responded. “Might even have a surprise for you, too!” I suggested teasingly.
“Well, I got one for you, too!” He hollered back.
We rolled into camp and noticed Stewart had carefully lined up a few bottles of coke and some boxes of peanut butter crackers and other savory bits from a vendors truck in front of our fold up chairs.
“Well, are you not the best host in the world!” I exclaimed at his efforts.
“That’s nice.” Dump said as he parked the haul to the side.
“Is that beer I spy?” Stewart said, as he shuffled towards Dump trucks unloading efforts.
“Sounds good don’t it,” as Dump proceeded to hand him a case.
As Stewart was setting the case of beer cans down and smiles were flashing all the way around, I produced a bottle of beer out of my back pocket and held it up for his inspection.
“I got one.” He said producing a church key and having a belly laugh.
“Spoil sport.” I opined, “I have been regaling Dump with all the good jokes we could have at your expense if you didn’t.“ I said lustily smirking and cracking open my own brew with my own bottle opener.
“Now, if you have a can opener about your person, then we could talk.” Stewart countered.
“Oh, I got one all right.” I said producing my infamous key ring, as well as digging in my pocket for my knife. “But these are not for sale.” I told him explicitly.
“Kind of like me with my cups, if you missing one element it’s hard to partake.” Stewart shot back.
“Two is one and one is none. As we used to say in the military.” I interjected.
“Good saying. Makes one think about what happens if you lose something.” Dump said going into his Professor Gogglestein interpretation.
“It’s weird what we come to value or help us survive at this moment, is it not Dave?” said Stewart deliberating.
“I can tell you a trick to a opening a can when you lack a can opener, though that might be useful if you find yourself in that situation.” I offered.
“Please, do tell.“ Stewart said with some interest.
“There is a survivalist n
amed Cody Lundin that taught me this trick, you can scrape or wear the edge off a can by sort of polishing it on the curb of the street, if you absolutely had to.” I explained and told him in further depth the technique to separate the solder joint of a can.
“Why do you keep messing with that fire Stewart? Its not buggy yet.” Dump said as the Englishman added, yet again, more fuel to the fire, that just seemed to further our discomfort.
“It will be dark soon and I do not have matches to spare to light another.” Stewart said contemplating.
“I bet Dave has got a fire trick or two to consider when you run out of matches.” with a nod to my direction. And they both turned towards me still sipping their suds.
“Well, you ought to be able to scavenge some matches if you look in likely places; but ok , I got a trick or two to share other than the obvious ways to make fire the normal way using lighters and such or being reduced to friction.” And I explained:
Balloons and Condoms
By filling a balloon or condom with water, you can transform these ordinary objects into fire creating lenses.
Fill the condom or balloon with water and tie off the end. You’ll want to make it as spherical as possible. Don’t make the inflated balloon or condom too big or it will distort the sunlight’s focal point. Squeeze the balloon to find a shape that gives you a sharp circle of light. Try squeezing the condom in the middle to form two smaller lenses.
Condoms and balloons both have a shorter focal length than an ordinary lens. Hold them 1 to 2 inches from your tinder.
Fire from Ice
Fire from ice isn’t just some dumb cliché used for high school prom themes. You can actually make fire from a piece of ice. All you need to do is form the ice into a lens shape and then use it as you would when starting a fire with any other lens. This method can be particularly handy for wintertime camping.
Get clear water. For this to work, the ice must be clear. If it’s cloudy or has other impurities, it’s not going to work. The best way to get a clear ice block is to fill up a bowl, cup, or a container made out of foil with clear lake or pond water or melted snow. Let it freeze until it forms ice. Your block should be about 2 inches thick for this to work.
Form your lens. Use your knife to shape the ice into a lens. Remember a lens shape is thicker in the middle and narrower near the edges.
Polish your lens. After you get the rough shape of a lens, finish the shaping of it by polishing it with your hands. The heat from your hands will melt the ice enough so you get a nice smooth surface.
Start a fire. Angle your ice lens towards the sun just as you would any other lens. Focus the light on your tinder nest and watch as you make a once stupid cliché come to life.
The Coke Can and Chocolate Bar
I once saw this method in a YouTube video some time ago and thought it was a pretty slick trick . All you need is a soda can, a bar of chocolate, and a sunny day.
Polish the bottom of the soda can with the chocolate. Unwrap your bar of chocolate and start rubbing it on the bottom of the soda can. The chocolate acts as a polish and will make the bottom of the can shine like a mirror. If you don’t have chocolate with you, toothpaste also works.
Make your fire. After polishing the bottom of your can, what you have is essentially a parabolic mirror. Sunlight will reflect off the bottom of the can, forming a single focal point. It’s kind of like how a mirror telescope works.
Point the bottom of the can towards the sun. You’ll have created a highly focused ray of light aimed directly at your tinder. Place the tinder about an inch from the reflecting light’s focal point. In a few seconds you should have a flame.
While I can’t think of any time that I would be in the middle of nowhere with a can of Coke and chocolate bar, this method is still pretty cool.
Batteries and Steel Wool
Like the chocolate and soda can method, it’s hard to imagine a situation where you won’t have matches, but you will have some batteries and some steel wool. But hey, you never know. And it’s quite easy and fun to try at home.
Stretch out the Steel Wool. You want it to be about 6 inches long and a ½ inch wide.
Rub the battery on the steel wool. Hold the steel wool in one hand and the battery in the other. Any battery will do, but 9 volt batteries work best. Rub the side of the battery with the “contacts” on the wool. The wool will begin to glow and burn. Gently blow on it.
Transfer the burning wool to your tinder nest. The wool’s flame will extinguish quickly, so don’t waste any time.
“You want simpler” I said sensing I was losing my audience in contemplation. “Make a small hole in any paper sheet, spit in this hole or put a clear water drop that you present to the sun rays as a magnifying glass.”
“That’s brilliant Dave, you’re a regular pyromaniac. You can make fire out of a drop of water and that coke can shit is unbelievable.” Stewart said.
Dump was beaming,”I told you he knows some weird stuff that’s useful, you just got to put up with him long enough to listen.” he said playfully towards me.
“I am going to hush for awhile. Dump you feel like playing bartender and giving us another round?” I said hopefully.
“Not a problem my, friend.” he said and reached down beside him to contribute to our getting inebriated.
“Hey, this hot beer doesn’t taste so bad.” said Stewart.
“Coming from an Englishman that somehow sounds funny.“ I wise cracked.
“We drink it hot, we drink it cold, we like our pints and not necessarily warm, that’s a myth.” he responded.
“You are opening the store tomorrow?” Dump asked Stewart with a sly grin and a reach for another beer.
“Hell, why not when I got so much free stock to profit from.” Stewart replied with mirth.
“I gotta go use your facilities Stewart, where is the John at” I asked nonchalantly,
“Over there, pick a patch of weeds” Dump suggested.
“Anybody find any toilet paper today?” I speculatively asked.
“I got some.” Stewart said rummaging in his own pillow case and handing me a roll, “Dump when you get to Dave and my` age remember the old adage ‘never trust a fart’.”
Dump responded right on time with “I trust you” and I stayed amused by this statement, as I headed to my destination on the far side of the road.
9
Fare Thee Well
“Dave, I been telling Stewart about looking out for dogs in the future” Dump said as I wandered back into camp and their gaze shifted in my direction.
“Two legged and four legged types will all be packing up soon” I said wearily.
“I am not sure which kind will first but form packs they will. Those are not firecrackers we been hearing off and on all day’ I said gesturing towards the gloom and twinkling fires off in the city.
“I thought you said regardless what the media said about people during Katrina that your college research said it was just hype and outright lies” Dump said looking intently at me.
“Your correct Dump, but that was a different disaster. Oh, most folks will get along for a couple weeks until the water and food run out, and then it starts getting every man for himself. Now, in the interim, a lot of the more, shall we say ‘criminal elements’ will try to take advantage of the situation to get what they want, be it by looting or an opportunity for revenge on whoever they think has wronged them.” I said grimly.
“I guess the street gangs are going to have a field day; if they don’t kill each other off.” Dump offered.
“Well, they will be settling their differences as usual, but the problem with them is they already have leadership and a pack they belong to already. We can hope they kill each other off some, but they will start organizing and expanding turf long before that, I am afraid. You see we are now in what is called a WROL situation, that means “without rule of law” I explained.
“You Yanks I always heard were armed to the teeth; sounds like its going
to be a bloody war zone.” Stewart said disgustedly.
“It beats the blood bath that’s going to happen in your country, Stewart. Your government disarmed the populace. How are the regular folks going to defend themselves?” Dave aimed in his direction.
“Yeah, seems I heard London is about half Muslim or foreigners now, and on top of that you got your own gang problems.” Dump said pointedly.
“Then, you got your soccer thugs that like to fight and play anarchist.” I offered.
“Too right! Too Bloody well, right! There’s going to be mayhem aplenty alright. In me own homeland, the Bobbies can’t take care of gangs now, let alone the ‘mayhem’ this whatever it is that has come upon us.” Stewart said angrily.
“Gangs run like military organizations and since enlistment ranks were low, we have let too many gang bangers into the military by lowering standards and they have brought back what they learned from that training to the streets.” I said ominously while reaching for another hot beer.
“Hey, guys, I don’t have the energy for it, but if someone wants to get a Co2 fire extinguisher off one of the vehicles around here we can have cold beer” I said hopefully.
“I ain’t getting up, but I want to know how it’s done” Dump said with an eye towards Stewarts direction.
“Me neither, I am worn out, but do go on with the story David” Stewart said almost apologetically.
“Well when I was in the Field Artillery we used to take one of those red carbon dioxide fire extinguishers off one of the tracked cannons and put the beer in a duffel bag and , WHOOSH! Cold beer I said laughing.
“Cool, would a pillow case work” Dump said contemplating.
“Should, but those duffels were sort of nylon canvas material, I don’t know if it would work or not, because cotton is pretty porous” I said trying to envision what might happen or not happen.
“Well, I’m not volunteering now, at the moment mind you, but I would be willing to give her a try later.” Stewart said rubbing the stubble where his beard was soon to be.
