by Jessie Cooke
“What the fuck?” Sledge said.
“Thought you might need some help getting out of here,” Jammer said, lowering the light, so when their eyes adjusted, they could see his face. Maz and Sledge looked at each other, but neither of them said a word. They just turned and continued on with Jammer pointing the light out in front of them, leading the way. It wasn’t until they got back to where their bikes were parked that Maz turned around and pulled his fist back. Before Jammer could react, Maz’s fist had connected with his face and Jammer was on his ass. Sledge looked amused. Jammer wiped the blood off his lip and grinned. With blood swimming in his teeth he said, “I guess I needed that. So, which one of you am I riding bitch with?”
26
Maz was at the airport with Marissa. He was going to see her in three days when he made it back to Fresno, but it was still hard to say goodbye. They’d spent another night sneaking around in the game room, but he couldn’t wait to get home and have her in his bed. Of course, there was Rhonda to think about.
“What are you going to tell her?” Maz finally asked Marissa. He’d been putting it off, but he had to know what he’d be walking into when he got back. Marissa had spent the past two days with his parents, who had delicately tried to convince her that the photo of the woman she’d finally shown them on her phone was Maz’s mother. His maman said Marissa didn’t vocalize her feelings, but she could tell she was crushed. She and Rhonda were so close, or at least Marissa thought they were. Now that she’d found out that Rhonda had been harboring a secret, and even making up lies about it…it had to be hard.
Her pretty eyes glistened with tears, but she didn’t let them spill as she said, “I’m not sure what to say. I’m so mad at her, Maz. She lied to me…and you, what she did to you…it’s like I’ve never really ever known her, and that breaks my heart.”
“I’m sorry, baby.”
“Please don’t be sorry for me. I feel horrible for what she did to you.”
“I realized something yesterday when I had all that time to think, walking through the swamp. I realized that instead of appreciating what I had…a good family, two good parents, a good life…I’d spent all that time feeling sorry for myself because someone I didn’t know, who didn’t know me, hadn’t wanted me. Maybe she had a good reason. Maybe she didn’t. But the truth is that none of that really matters, does it? She didn’t ruin my life. She didn’t ruin yours. She made decisions and probably a lot of mistakes, but in the end…” He smiled and took her face in his hands. “…if she hadn’t done what she did, to or for either of us, we would have never ended up here…together.”
Marissa smiled. “I never thought of it like that.”
He winked at her and said, “Stick with me, kid, looking on the bright side is my new motto.” The announcement overhead that her flight was boarding made Maz curl his lip. Marissa rose on her toes and kissed his lips and said:
“Bright side, remember? In three days you’ll be home, and we’ll be together…and I have a few more things I want to try…”
Maz laughed. “Oh, baby, I can’t wait.” He kissed her hard then and it wasn’t until the final boarding announcement that he finally let her go. He waited until the doors were closed and sealed and then he found a spot by the window and waited until she was in the air before leaving the airport. Sledge was waiting for him outside. They’d loaded up their gear and said goodbye to his parents before taking Marissa to the airport. Jammer had left his bike in an old storage shed that no one ever used on his aunt’s property, so he was on his way back to Boston on it. Maz didn’t know what would happen to him once he got there. He seemed to waffle quickly between depression and an almost euphoric mood. It was weird, but like Jammer had told Sledge, they didn’t know his life, so he wasn’t going to judge. Kiera was still in their hands, but she probably would be until the mess with the Nikkas was straightened out.
The trip to California was bound to be a long, hot one…but both he and Sledge were looking forward to getting back. They only stopped twice along the way to sleep, and a few times to eat and gas up, so ultimately it only took them two and a half days to get there. Sledge’s old lady was waiting for him with open arms, and Marissa was waiting for Maz at home. They’d decided, in one of their phone conversations while he was on the road, that they would talk to Rhonda together.
The first matter of business however, was a debriefing with the boss. Maz had already given Wolf the basics over the phone, but he was really concerned about Jammer’s state of mind, and he thought Dax needed to be updated. Maz and Sledge sat in the office with Wolf, Manson, Bruf, and Ash. Ash had been on business for the club when all of it happened, or he probably would have been the one in Louisiana with Maz instead of Sledge. Sledge was wasting no time letting his best friend know what he missed.
“The swamp, man…we walked through the swamp in murky, muddy, smelly water up to our asses. All kinds of snakes and fish with teeth and…” Ash laughed.
“Fish with teeth?”
“They had teeth, trust me. That place, man, it’s crazy. Gators everywhere…”
“You didn’t see a gator,” Maz said, laughing.
“I saw the one on the wall behind Blackheart’s desk. He said he got it right out where we were walking. That fucking thing was as big as a truck, and us walking around out there was like offering those gators a fucking buffet.”
Ash laughed again. “Well, since you’re in one piece I guess it’s safe to assume that what was on the menu wasn’t what they were hungry for.”
“Pure dumb luck. Oh, and the blind man with the white eyes! I have to tell you about that crazy fool…”
“You can fill Ash in later on the fun stuff,” Wolf said with a chuckle. “Let’s get back to Jammer.”
Maz and Sledge looked at each other and Maz was the one to speak. “He’s messed up, Boss. I think he’s bipolar or something. One minute he’s depressed and the next minute he’s laughing like a lunatic. I punched him in the face and he thanked me.”
Wolf cocked an eyebrow. “You punched him in the face?”
“Yeah, sorry. We’d just done all this shit to find him and he takes our fucking weapons and sends us back out into the swamp with nothing. He was following us the whole time, but we didn’t know that. It was pitch-black before the fucker revealed himself…I just lost it a little. I didn’t hurt him, much.”
Wolf chuckled again. “Sounds like he needed it.”
“That’s what he said. Anyway, Dax just might need a heads-up that he’s not stable. It’s just a matter of time before he goes off the rails again and if Dax is going to have him in the middle of this fight of theirs…Jammer just might do them more harm than good.”
Wolf nodded. “I’ll talk to Dax. I appreciate you guys going out there. Take the next couple of days off; rest…or whatever. We’ve got a big fight happening at the gym on Saturday, though. I’ll need you both there.”
“Thanks, Boss.” Maz said. He knew what he was going to do with his two days off. After he had a long, hot shower, he would be on his way over to Marissa’s and they’d get the talking to Rhonda over with. Then the rest of his time would be spent with Marissa, doing whatever she wanted to do. Of course, he hoped a lot of that was sex…but knowing Marissa the way he’d come to know her, he didn’t doubt it.
Wolf had a few more orders of business but when the meeting broke up, Maz left, laughing as he passed by Sledge and Ash and he heard Sledge telling his friend, “None of them speak English…”
Half an hour after he got out of the shower, Maz was on Marissa’s doorstep. When she opened the door, she moved right into his arms. He loved that. He hugged and kissed her, maybe spending a little too long on the kiss when he heard Rhonda call out from the other room. “Marissa, honey, dinner is getting cold.”
“Dinner?” Maz said, questioningly.
“Sorry, she insisted that she wanted to make us dinner. I hope you don’t mind.”
“No, baby, of course not. I just feel kind of bad that
she did all that for us and we’re probably about to ruin her evening.”
“I’m not planning on attacking her,” Marissa said. “I’m still hurt that she lied to me, but she’s my mother and I love her and I know I’ll forgive her eventually. You have a lot more right to be angry than me.”
“I’m not going to attack her either, baby…but, if we’re going to have a future without this hanging over us, we need to do this.”
She nodded. “I know.”
“Marissa? Maz?”
“We’ll be right there, Mom.” Marissa gave him another quick kiss and then took his hand and led him through the living room and into the dining room. Rhonda had a huge spread on the table. It looked like roast beef or tri-tip, roasted red potatoes, Brussels sprouts, and rolls that smelled so good they made his stomach rumble.
“Wow, Rhonda, this all looks great.” She smiled at him and for the first time Maz saw it. He saw himself in her face, in her smile, in her eyes. That anxiety he used to walk around with, every time he saw a woman her age that looked a little bit like him, returned. He fought it and kept the smile in place, taking the seat she offered him next to the one Marissa sat in.
“It’s good to see you,” she said, as she took her own seat. “It was so lonely around here with Marissa gone and I’d gotten used to seeing you too. How was your trip? Marissa said you went down south?”
“Yes, I went to see my parents,” he said. She was handing him the plate with the meat when he said, “In New Orleans.” She froze, but only for a second. He noticed that her hand shook slightly once he took the plate out of it and she pulled it back.
“Oh yes, I think Marissa mentioned you were from New Orleans. I’ll bet it was nice there this time of year.”
“You’ve been to New Orleans a few times, right, Mom?” Marissa asked her.
“Mm-hmm, it’s a nice place.” She passed the potatoes to Maz. All of a sudden, he felt like the way they were going about this was all wrong. It almost felt like they were operating a sneak attack, and he was a much more direct kind of guy. He glanced at Marissa and squeezed her hand underneath the table and then he said:
“Rhonda, this is not going to be an easy subject for any of us, but I found something out right before I left town, and we…I…”
“We,” Marissa said. “I was in New Orleans too, Mom.”
Rhonda looked surprised. “Why on earth did you tell me you were going with Charity? You’re an adult, Marissa, you don’t have to lie to me.”
“I should be honest, Mom? The way you always have been?”
It was obvious that Rhonda could hear the hurt and betrayal in her daughter’s voice, but she was confused. “Marissa, honey, is something wrong?”
“I’m just going to say this,” Maz said, “because we all need to talk about it. Rhonda, my biological mother’s name was Ronnie Lane.” Rhonda was holding a serving spoon in her hand. When Maz said the name, it fell from her fingers and slammed against the china plate on the table. Rhonda didn’t seem to hear it. Her eyes were still on Maz.
27
“Zane?” Maz nodded and Rhonda’s eyes were instantly filled with tears. Suddenly, as if she just remembered that Marissa was there, she looked at her. Rhonda’s face was pale and her voice was shaking as she said, “Oh, Marissa…I’m sorry I lied to you…”
“Me too,” Marissa said. “But I’m not the one you owe the biggest apology to here, Mom.”
She looked back at Maz. The tears rolled silently down her face. “Zane,” she said, again. “Oh, my little boy.” Maz felt like he was having a hard time breathing and he wanted more than anything to get up and leave. He forced himself to stay put and waited for her to go on. “I never wanted to leave you…but your dad had a good job and he was so smart and so kind. I knew he’d be a good father to you.”
“And you thought that would be good enough?” Maz said. “You thought that hanging around, maybe at least in the same city where I could grow up knowing you, wasn’t a better idea than leaving the state?”
“Oh, Zane. I was such a mess. My sister and me, we started partying when we were thirteen years old. Our parents worked, a lot, and we were left to care for ourselves. When I was thirteen and she was twelve, we decided to break into the liquor cabinet. We were just going to taste it, and we did…a lot of it. When our father found out, he was angry with us, but he didn’t punish us…he just restocked the cabinet. From there, we started going to parties and hanging out with a much older crowd. We did everything, tried everything. I never got hooked on the drugs…not that I didn’t use them from time to time. But what I really liked was the alcohol. I spent a lot of time during my teenage years in the hospital because of it. Mom would lecture me, tell me I was killing myself, and then when I got home, I’d go right back to it. The doctors did tell me at one point that I shouldn’t get pregnant…that it could kill me, and I probably wouldn’t be able to carry to term. I was careful, when I was sober. The night I met your father…I wasn’t sober, not even close.”
She stopped to wipe her tears and blow her nose. Marissa was squeezing Maz’s hand under the table still, tightly. Rhonda took a deep breath and went on, “He didn’t take advantage of me. As a matter of fact, I was the one that came onto him. I remember that night, vividly. I remember thinking I should make him use a condom…but we were in the midst of all this passion, and I didn’t want to ruin it. Afterward, he drove me back to my hotel room and told me he would call me. When I got home to California I thought about him, a lot. I waited and hoped he would call…but he never did. I don’t blame him now. As I grew older and thought about it…it was always just supposed to be one night. Anyway, I found out that I was pregnant about eight weeks later. My mother offered to pay for an abortion because she knew I wasn’t going to stop drinking and take care of myself.
“I did stop drinking, though, more to prove a point to her than anything else. I took care of myself, at least better care than usual. I had a little job in a restaurant and my sister and I shared an apartment. Our father had cut us off by that time financially because we were both such a disappointment to him. He wouldn’t even speak to us. Mom was able to sneak money to us from time to time, but not much without him knowing. Every month was a struggle just to pay the rent. Tammy’s drug addiction was bad then.” She looked at Marissa and said, “I’m sorry, honey…there are some things I never told you.” Marissa didn’t speak; she only nodded at her mother.
“She was using heroin by then and there were strange people…men…in and out of the apartment. It took me a while, but I finally figured out that she was prostituting herself. I got so angry, judgmental, I guess. I threw her out of our place. I was eight months pregnant and that was when it finally dawned on me that I would never be able to support a child on what I made at the diner. I spent many sleepless nights, Maz, trying to figure out what to do. Just about the time I went into labor I had decided to go and talk to your father. It was a long, hard labor and they told me I almost died. I was in the hospital for over a week afterwards, and so were you, right there in the room with me.” She smiled and with a faraway look in her watery eyes she said, “You were so beautiful. You had the same big, brown eyes…but on your tiny little face they looked huge. You had a lot of curly black hair, like a little ’fro when you came out. I fell in love with you that day…and believe it or not, I never stopped loving you, or thinking about you.”
Maz had to remind himself…deep, slow, breaths in, slow breaths out until all the air was expelled. He promised Marissa he wouldn’t attack her mother, and he intended to keep that promise. She was looking at him like there was something she expected him to say…but what would that possibly be? He listened to her describe giving him away, abandoning him, leaving him…and sadly, even at thirty years old, what he had wanted to hear was that she was forced to do it. He wanted her to say her very life depended on it. Deep breaths in, slow breaths out….
“I wanted to keep you, Zane. I wanted to be your mother…but I just wasn’t capabl
e of it. God, how I wish I had a better reason, but that’s all I have.” After another long silence Marissa said:
“But you went back when he was four years old…didn’t you, Mom?” Marissa had tears in her eyes too. Maz could tell she was looking for something the way he was, something that said there was really no possible way.
Rhonda nodded. “I did. I saw you in the park that day, with the beautiful French woman.” She smiled and said, “I thought about that day the first time Marissa introduced you to me…but so many times over the past twelve years since I knew you were an adult, I’d imagined running into you, so I told myself I was just thinking crazy.”
“Tell me about that day,” Maz said. Elise had told him about it…more than once, but he suddenly realized that all she’d ever said was that they had words. Maz suddenly wanted to know what those “words” were.
“I had put myself through school and I got the job working at the accounting firm. I was finally able to move into a decent neighborhood and pay my bills. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I tried to find a number for your dad, or your aunt…but they were all changed, and I couldn’t find them. Twenty-six years ago, the Internet was just getting started, so it wasn’t as easy as it is now. I just woke up one morning, it was my day off…a three-day weekend…and I got a wild hair. I got on a plane and when I got to the house, without a plan, I saw you. You were on the swings and you looked just the same, only older of course. I lost touch with everything else around me and I didn’t realize how long I’d been staring until all of a sudden, this beautiful blonde woman pulled you off the swings and came running at me like a crazy person. She was yelling at me, in French. By the time she got across the street where I was standing, she put you down, said something to you in French, and pointed at the house. You were looking up at me and I smiled and started to say something…I don’t even know what…and then you spoke, in French too. She waved you away again and that time you went up to the house and sat on the steps. She switched to English then and asked me why I was watching you. ‘He’s my son,’ I told her. Those eyes of hers, I swear I saw flames in them. She said, ‘No, you’re mistaken. This is my son. My boy. I am the one that taught him to walk and to talk. I’m the one that chases the monsters out from under his bed, reads him stories, and tucks him in. I’m the one that sits at his bedside when he’s sick. You’re nothing to him and you need to leave.’”
