But it didn’t change the fact that he was still dead.
Sealed inside this coffin. Silenced for ever.
Worse. He’d stolen the Latymor Luck without telling her what he meant to do. And she hadn’t known. Hadn’t guessed. That stark truth snapped the last frayed thread linking them together.
At the exact moment that the bells began tolling to warn churchgoers that the service was about to start.
She stumbled to her feet, dabbed at her eyes and blew her nose one more time.
And went to sit through a service which was going to be of no solace to her at all.
She wanted Tom. She wanted to run to him and pour her woes into his ears, and have him soothe her with his loving words. Feel the strength of his arms holding her close to his heart.
Because when he held her, she wouldn’t feel as if she was all alone in the world any longer.
She raised her head, staring sightlessly straight ahead as the words of the service washed right over her. Talking to Justin had helped her to get some things clear in her mind. She loved Tom. She did. Not just because he was handsome and charming, either. He’d become her friend. Her confidant. The one person she could trust with the secrets of her heart. The man she wanted to live with, grow old with, even have children with.
Even when he’d first warned her he might have got her with child, she hadn’t minded. She’d pictured herself bringing up a sturdy little boy with green eyes like Tom’s and a thatch of blond hair like hers. And loving him so much it wouldn’t matter if his father wasn’t around. She would have been all the child needed.
Except—her breath hitched in her throat at a sudden image of Gideon, hanging out of a tree branch, holding out his hand to help her climb up.
If she denied her child a legal father, then it couldn’t have any brothers or sisters.
It would grow up alone.
It was all very well thinking she could endure scandal, if it meant she could stay with Tom. But was it fair to condemn her child to a lifetime of loneliness, as well?
She’d have to talk to Tom about marriage, again. In the cool light of day, not in the heat of passion, while he was weltering in guilt and she was reacting from a bone-deep habit of avoiding it at all costs.
She was still a little afraid that he held the same view as Justin—that marriage was the price a man had to pay for taking his pleasures unwisely. But even if that was so, even if he didn’t love her the way she loved him now, she was going to have to tell him how she felt. She was going to have to face him, and tell him exactly what she wanted, and why.
And then deal with the consequences like a...like a...
She sat up straighter, and squared her shoulders.
Like a Latymor.
Chapter Sixteen
Tom soon grew tired of alternately pacing and looking out of the window. So he dragged a chair to a vantage point from where he could spot Sarah the moment she turned into the street.
His heart leapt at his first sight of her. Though he couldn’t tell anything about her mood from the way she was walking. She might have been any society miss, returning demurely home from church.
Which just went to show how deceptive appearances could be.
‘Well?’ He fired the question at her the moment she came into their room. ‘How did it go?’
‘About as well as anyone could expect,’ she said with a wry smile as she drew off her gloves.
His heart plunged like a horse refusing a hedge. That little touch of sadness in her brave smile was like an alarm bell, clanging in his head. He wasn’t going to like whatever she was about to tell him.
‘Justin...well, at least he told me how Gideon died. More or less everything, I think, which was surprising, considering the way he has always brushed me aside before. Oh, not that he was ever actually unkind. It was just that his eyes would always skate over me, as though he had neither the time, nor the patience, to bother with such an insipid little goose.’ She smiled wryly as she untied the strings of her bonnet and tossed it carelessly on to a side table.
‘And I also managed to speak to Adam after the service, and apologise for what I did to him—or at least,’ she corrected herself with a frown, ‘the mischief I tried to do him yesterday.’ She shot him a rueful glance. ‘And don’t ask me to tell you about it, because I am so deeply ashamed of myself I couldn’t bear to repeat it. And by the looks of things, I didn’t succeed in my aim, anyway. Though how a man of his calibre has ended up linked to a girl of that sort,’ she muttered darkly, ‘I cannot think.’
His heart was thundering against his breastbone now. ‘But what did Colonel Randall say about us? You did talk about us?’ He dismissed the cryptic comment about Flint getting tied to some lightskirt. It was what had passed between Sarah and Colonel Randall that concerned him. It had been a risk, letting her go and speak to her brother on her own. Heaven alone knew what arguments the Colonel would have used to induce her to leave him. None of which he could refute, that was the hell of it. Sarah shouldn’t have lived on terms of such intimacy with him this week. Let alone actually permitted him to become her lover. If he was her brother, he’d order her to return to Antwerp at once, then do whatever it took to salvage what he could of her reputation.
‘Of course I did. Oh, Tom,’ she said, before flinging herself on to his chest and wrapping her arms about his waist. He closed his arms round her, hard. Perhaps for the very last time.
‘I thought that knowing how Gideon died would help,’ she said in a muffled voice, since her face was pressed into his shirtfront. ‘And I suppose at least Justin did allay the worst of my fears. But it doesn’t really change anything. He’s still dead. I don’t think I’m ever going to be able to come to terms with that.’
‘And why do you think you should? You are always going to feel as if a part of you is missing,’ he said, rocking her gently.
‘Oh, Tom, I knew you would understand. You always understand,’ she said, lifting her head to gaze up at him with her blue eyes full of what looked very much like adoration.
‘How is it that you understand, when nobody else does? You don’t have a twin. You don’t have any family—so how is it that you know what my grief for Gideon is like?’
‘Because I know what I will feel like when you leave me,’ he grated, past the huge lump that had formed in his throat. ‘A part of me will always grieve your loss. There will be a great gaping wound inside me that will never heal. That I will never want to heal,’ he said fervently. ‘Oh, I will wear a smile on my lips so that the world won’t know that I’m bleeding inside. I will flirt with women and no doubt, knowing my nature,’ he said with a bitter smile, ‘I will take fleeting solace in their beds when the loneliness gets too much. But none of them will be you.’
‘What are you saying, Tom? Why should I leave you?’
‘But—you said you wouldn’t marry me.’
‘Ah. Well...’ She took a deep breath. Turned bright pink. ‘Actually, I’ve changed my mind about that.’
‘Have you?’ He shook his head, which seemed to be filled with a strange buzzing sensation. ‘Are you sure?’
‘Yes,’ she said firmly. ‘If,’ she added, looking suddenly very young and vulnerable, ‘only if you really do want to. If you really love me. You do love me, don’t you Tom?’
‘You know I do. I would die for you.’
‘Much good that would do me,’ she said rather tartly. ‘I have no wish for anything but that you should live with me. And,’ she added, a bit hesitantly, ‘the way you just spoke of what it would be like to live without me gives me hope that you would like it, too.’
‘Yes, I would, more than anything.’
‘Well, then, I need not be afraid to marry you. Even though you have the reputation of a rake. You wouldn’t dream of being unfaithful, or humiliating me by fatheri
ng natural children all over the place, would you?’
‘Absolutely not!’
She sagged into him with relief. ‘Oh, that was so much easier than I’d hoped. I’ve regretted refusing your proposal ever since the words left my lips.’
‘You did?’
‘Yes. But you looked so...’ She shook her head. ‘And I was still so scared, Tom. Or at least, in the habit of being scared of marriage. The refusal came to my mouth without me even thinking about it, really. But when I’d said no, I didn’t feel relieved at all, or as though I’d escaped some terrible fate. I just felt as though I’d made the biggest mistake of my life.’
‘Why didn’t you say so?’
‘Oh, Tom...’ She sighed up at him. ‘It was the way you asked me. As though you were worried about a child, or my reputation. I didn’t want to make you marry me for such reasons as those. Marriage is such a big step for both of us to take, we have to go into it for the right reasons. The kind of reasons that made Harriet marry Graveney, in the end, except without all the books. I want you to love me the way Blanchards loves Gussie—’ She gave a swift frown. ‘But without all the smothering. I think you do want to marry me for the right reasons, don’t you, Tom, or you wouldn’t have said all that about no other woman being able to replace me in your heart, even if you did take them to bed, would you?’
‘I thought you only wanted to be my mistress. I thought...’ He grimaced, swallowed and shook his head.
‘I would rather live with you as your mistress than live without you, that is true. But whichever future you choose for us, Tom, I am certainly not going to abandon you to the fate you just spoke to me of. Going around with a brave smile on your face, sleeping with all sorts of women whose names you won’t even remember because they won’t be me, bleeding inside from a grievous wound.’ She clucked her tongue in disapproval. ‘So much unnecessary suffering. Besides the guilt you will always bear for breaking my heart.’
‘Breaking your heart? No, Sarah, I would die before harming so much as a hair on your head.’
Their eyes held for a moment, and then, on a surge of mutual relief and joy, they kissed.
‘There’s just one thing you should know,’ said Sarah, dragging her lips from his. ‘Justin is set against our match. And he’s going to cut off my allowance. I don’t know if he can stop me from laying claim to the capital when I reach thirty years of age, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t at least try to prevent you from touching one penny of my fortune.’
‘Fortune? You have a fortune?’
‘Yes. Rather a substantial one. You didn’t know?’
‘Oh, good God, he’s going to think I’m a fortune hunter now on top of everything else.’ Tom groaned.
But she began to smile. He hadn’t known a thing about it.
‘Why are you smiling?’
‘Because the thought of my fortune doesn’t tempt you. Not one bit. When it is all any of the other suitors got excited about.’
‘Well, they were all idiots,’ he said gruffly, tightening his arms about her. ‘If they couldn’t see what a treasure you are,’ he added, huffing into the crown of her head.
She hugged him hard.
‘Tom? You really do love me, don’t you? You don’t care about me coming to you without a penny to my name.’
‘Well, it won’t make any difference to me, will it? I’ve never had a penny to my name. But you...’ He put her away from him a little, so he could look down into her face. ‘It’s going to be very hard for you, living on my pay. I won’t be able to give you any of the things you’re used to.’
‘You will be giving me things I’ve never had, though. Like respect. And confidence. And the knowledge that I’m loved, really loved, just as I am.’
‘Of course you are.’ He cupped her cheek. Gazed into her eyes in such a worshipful manner that she melted with longing.
He kissed her again. With a reverence that made her feel so strong, she could conquer the world.
‘You do realise,’ he said, after all too brief a time, ‘that your brother, as my commanding officer, is not likely to give his permission, don’t you? I will have to resign from the British army.’
‘Oh...’ She pouted. ‘Actually, he did warn me about that. But, I wonder...’ She glanced up at him through her lashes. ‘After the way I threatened to become your mistress if you weren’t of a mind to marry me, he might change his mind about that. I should think he will be extremely relieved we intend to make things respectable.’
‘Well, that’s just where you are out. For one thing, we wouldn’t be respectably married. The shame of my background would mean you would always be subject to gossip—’
‘Pah! Much I care about that.’
He shook his head sadly. ‘Tell me, did he look as though he was keen on my marrying you, when you left Lord Randall? Or was he foaming at the mouth and uttering threats of what he’d do when he got his hands on me?’
She looked abashed. ‘Well, yes, he was very angry whenever I mentioned you, in any capacity. But—’
He shook his head again. ‘The only way we are likely to be able to marry is if we elope. Your family may cut you out of their lives, Sarah, for defying them. And I will have to exchange into another regiment. Or even, God forbid, sell my services to some foreign power. And since there has already been one traitor to the crown in the family, we will become notorious, I should think. Could you live like that?’ He gripped both her hands in his and looked her straight in the eyes. ‘Could you become a disgraced exile from your family, your country? Just so you could be with me?’
She sucked her lower lip between her teeth. ‘Are you trying to back out of marrying me, Tom? Is that why you’re painting such a bleak picture of our future?’
‘No. Goodness, no! But I really would be a rogue,’ he bit out, ‘of the worst sort, to casually condemn you to such a life. I knew it, the moment I’d proposed. That was why I didn’t press you,’ he said, grasping her shoulders gently. ‘Not because I was unwilling, or only proposing out of guilt because I may have made you pregnant, but because I really, truly believed you would be better off without me. I didn’t want you to feel trapped and dragged into a future of shame and penury.’
Tears slowly welled up in her eyes. His insides hollowed out. He’d made her see, at last, what the cost of marrying him was going to be. He’d made her face reality. What a foolhardy thing to do! She’d leave him now, for sure.
But then, to his amazement, she flung her arms round his waist again.
‘I have lost Gideon.’ She sobbed into his chest. ‘I absolutely refuse to lose you, too. How could I just walk away, and go back to Chalfont and a life that is no life at all, knowing you are walking around somewhere, smiling bravely, taking other w-women to b-bed? I can’t. I can’t! And I won’t.’
‘Then your fate is sealed. For I cannot let you go, Sarah. I cannot break your heart this way.’
No. Instead, the way they would be obliged to live would grind it down, insult by insult. Until the day came when she would look at him with loathing.
He crushed her to his chest and buried his face in her sweet-smelling hair.
At least, until that day came, she would be his.
And even after that, he would always be hers.
He took her to bed. And spent the rest of the day showing her how much he loved her.
And then spent the night, while she slept, watching her. Just watching her beloved face with that sweet, contented look on it, fixing it in his mind against the day when lines of discontent would bracket her mouth and regret would stamp grooves into her forehead.
* * *
In the morning, he rose early and went along the passage to the small dressing room, where Gaston shaved him and helped him into his dress uniform.
When he went back to their room, Sa
rah was sitting up in bed, sipping some hot chocolate, her hair delightfully tousled. Her eyes roved over him appreciatively.
‘Tom Bartlett, if I wasn’t already in love with you, I declare I would fall for you on the spot. Though—’ Her face suddenly fell as comprehension dawned. ‘You wouldn’t be all dressed up like that if you weren’t going out.’
‘That’s it,’ he said, coming to the side of the bed and raising her hand to his lips to kiss it. ‘I’m going to visit your brother. Always pays to look one’s best when facing a boll— I mean, when about to get a rare trimming.’
‘Oh, Tom. Do you want me to come with you?’ She made as if to get out of bed.
‘No. By no means. I need to speak with him man to man.’ When she didn’t look at all convinced, he added, ‘Apart from anything else, I need to report for duty.’
‘You aren’t well enough. Don’t go. You don’t need to visit him today, do you?’
‘No sense in putting it off. Best to get it over with quickly. And then we can get on with living our lives, however it turns out. Besides,’ he said with a wicked grin, ‘you cannot seriously try to persuade me I’m not well enough to report for duty after the shameless use you made of me yesterday afternoon?’ He turned her hand and placed a hot kiss on the inside of her wrist. ‘And into the night?’ He trailed kisses up her arm to the crook of her elbow.
She blushed. ‘No, I suppose you are right. You certainly wore me out. I ache all over.’
He gave a quick frown. ‘Was I too demanding? I didn’t hurt you, did I? I know once or twice I was a bit...’
‘You were perfect.’ She sighed. ‘I wish it could have gone on for much longer. No wonder,’ she said with a very sultry look, ‘you have gained such a reputation. I only wish I had more stamina.’ A sudden look of insecurity flashed across her face. ‘It isn’t going to be easy for you to be satisfied by just one woman, is it?’
‘Now stop right there,’ he said sternly. ‘If you can’t trust me to be faithful, then—’
‘No! Oh, no.’ She knelt up and flung her arms round his neck. ‘It isn’t that. I just wish I was more experienced, that was all. That I knew how to please you.’
A Mistress for Major Bartlett Page 23
