“Oh, thank you. I’m not sure if I’m quite ready to jump right into a group environment . . .”
“That’s quite all right, Mr. . . . ?”
“Uh,” I stammered.
“I’m sorry, you don’t have to tell me your last name. First names are fine.”
“I, um, I’m Jack.”
“Welcome, Jack. You’re more than welcome to participate today if you’d like, but you could also just observe today if that makes you feel more comfortable.”
“Thank you. I’d like that. I’ll just hang out if that’s okay?”
“Absolutely. Help yourself to refreshments, too. There’s snacks and punch at the back.”
I smiled and nodded, then shuffled through the crowd, trying to be aware of my surroundings as to not run into anyone. When I reached the back table, I filled a cup with punch and picked up a chocolate chip cookie. As I turned back to face the room, I saw her. Penny was sitting alone and looked far worse for the wear than I’d anticipated. Her eyes were ringed in pink and swollen, and her hair looked as if it hadn’t been combed in quite some time. Her shirt appeared inside out, and her jeans were stained with grime.
There she is, I thought to Hauser.
“See? I told you so,” Hauser said from beside me. “Now, it’s all up to you.”
“Oh great. Way to put the pressure on me,” I said as I fidgeted nervously.
“Relax, Jack. It’s not like you’re going up to ask her out on a date or anything. You’re just here to . . . talk to her, get to know her, and find out how close she is to killing herself.”
Hearing Hauser talk about committing suicide as if it were just another daily occurrence bothered me. Having mostly come to terms with my own fatal decision helped soften the impact, but the entire situation disturbed me just the same. Then a thought crossed my mind.
“Wait a minute. Won’t she recognize me from the hospital?”
“Well, I wasn’t going to bring it up, buddy, but she might very well remember you. Before she went in for the C-section, she was on no medication or drugs whatsoever. We just have to hope that enough time has passed that you’re just another stranger to her. Now go. You’re not getting any younger,” Hauser smirked. “And be cautious when speaking to me in public. You do realize other people can hear you talking, right? It looks like you are having a deep conversation with yourself.”
Got it. I forgot there for a minute, I thought.
As I walked toward Penny, I brought the cup of punch to my lips to take a drink. Just as the sugary sweetness reached my tongue, my elbow struck someone’s back, causing me to spill red liquid down my chin and all over my chest.
“Son of a—” I exclaimed as I stepped around the perturbed man frowning awkwardly at me. “I mean, sorry about that,” I said.
Brushing the liquid from my shirt, I walked over to Penny’s chair. “Hi. Is anybody sitting here?” I asked.
Penny barely acknowledged me and shook her head.
I lowered myself into the chair next to her and continued to dab awkwardly at the fruit punch soaking through my shirt. “I don’t suppose you have an extra napkin on you?” I said.
“No, sorry,” she said, standing up to leave.
“I’m sorry, miss. I didn’t mean to intrude. It’s just that . . . I’m new here and I’m a little nervous.”
She looked at me and tilted her head slightly. “You’re new?” she asked. “I think I’ve seen you in here before.”
Oh crap. She does remember me, I thought to Hauser.
“Keep going, buddy,” Hauser said from behind me. “If she’d remembered you from the hospital, do you think she’d still be standing here, waiting for your response?”
“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” I said aloud.
“So you’re not new?” Penny asked.
“Um, what I meant to say . . . was that you’re right. I have been in here before, but I haven’t participated in any of the sessions. I’ve been sort of a shadow really, just staying on the fringes of the room.”
“Nice recovery, ace,” Hauser said.
“If I make you uncomfortable, I can leave,” I said.
“No, it’s all right,” Penny said as she retook her seat. “We’re supposed to talk about our feelings anyway. Isn’t that why we’re all here?”
I nodded. “Yeah, I suppose so. I’ve just never been that big of a sharer, if you know what I mean.”
“Totally,” Penny said as she continued to stare at me awkwardly.
“So have you been coming here long?” I asked, fidgeting with my sleeve again.
“Seriously, Jack. You’re not trying to pick her up. You’re acting as nervous and awkward as a high school boy at cheerleader tryouts.”
“I mean, have you been attending these sessions long? Have they helped you at all?” I said, wondering why this was so difficult.
Penny shrugged and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, I guess.”
“Have any pointers for a newbie?”
“I don’t know. I guess just try not to dwell on the past. At least that’s what the counselors keeps telling me.”
“You don’t sound too convinced,” I said.
Penny stared straight ahead. “I don’t know. It just seems that all of this is bullshit anyway. First they tell you to forget about the past, then in the next breath they tell you to look deeper at what’s causing the depression. Most of the time that is the past. So I guess I don’t have anything worth saying,” Penny said.
“Careful, Jack. Penny’s soul is beginning to flash faster. Try to calm her down,” Hauser said.
“I feel the same way. I’m Jack, by the way.”
“Penny.”
“A friend of mine has told me to let bygones be bygones and all that, but, I don’t know, I do sometimes feel better when I talk about what happened.”
Penny tilted her head in my direction. “And what’s that?”
“It’s still a little difficult to talk about, but . . . my wife committed suicide about six months ago,” I said, the words out of my mouth before I could take them back.
“Jesus, Jack. Are you trying to convince her to kill herself?” Hauser asked.
Penny’s eyes widened and she turned her body toward me, her interest piqued. “How did she . . . I mean I’m sorry for your loss. How did she do it?”
“Whatever you do, Jack, do not tell her how to kill herself,” Hauser snapped.
“I’d rather not talk about the details if that’s all right,” I said. “It’s still pretty painful.”
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” Penny said, her voice cracking slightly.
“It’s okay, you didn’t know. Maybe in time it’ll be easier to talk about,” I said, hanging my head low, enjoying the false sympathy. “What about you? What’s your story?”
“I’m lonely, I guess. I don’t have any family, and I had a pretty traumatic event a few months ago.”
“Do you want to talk about it?” I asked, pivoting toward her.
Penny breathed in deeply and exhaled slowly. “I lost a child at birth,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes.
“Oh, how tragic,” I said, placing my hand on her shoulder.
Back off, you creep, Penny thought. I’m not a piece of meat, old man.
Old man? I thought.
“Jack, she does have a point. You are coming off a little desperate. Now would be a good time to extricate your hand from her shoulder,” Hauser said.
I casually dropped my hand to the side. “I . . . know what you’re feeling.”
“How could you? Have you recently popped a child out of your vagina?” she asked angrily.
I turned away quickly, hoping to come across less threatening. “No, that’s not what I meant. I mean, I understand what it’s like losing something or someone. After my wife died, I constantly asked myself, why me. She left me on this earth alone, and all I can think about is why me.” I lowered my eyes and hoped that I didn’t look too pathetic.
Penny sighed heavily. “Exactl
y. I’ve lost the only thing important to me, and I don’t know why I feel so . . . abandoned. Sometimes I just don’t want to continue,” she said as tears streaked down her face.
“Hey, hey. Don’t think like that. Your life means so much more than you could ever imagine. Life has two rules: One, never quit. And two, always remember rule number one. You’ll get through this, I promise.”
How the hell can you promise something like that, Penny thought. I just met you, and . . .
“I can because I’m living proof,” I said.
“Watch it, Jack. You’re answering her thoughts with your own words,” Hauser said.
“How did you—” Penny began.
“I guess I just knew what you were thinking because I’ve been there. Granted, it’s taken me six months to get past everything, and I’m now starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that’s so cliché, but suicide is not your answer.”
“To hell with you, buddy. You just met me and you’re telling me what’s right for me?” Penny yelled and stood up so fast her chair slid halfway across the room.
“Penelope, please,” I begged. “I didn’t mean to—”
“I never told you my full name. Who are you? Wait a minute, never mind. Fuck you,” Penny said as she stormed out.
Shit, I thought.
“That’s an understatement, buddy. I’d point out just how horrible that went, but I assume you realize that all on your own,” Hauser said.
“Well, now what? Did I completely screw the pooch on this one?”
“I don’t know, Jack. Time will tell. I suggest you make a discreet exit and then we can regroup back at your place.”
I nodded and made for the exit, avoiding eye contact with anyone in the room. As soon as I was out of sight, I vanished.
Chapter 9.5
As I stood on the rooftop of Cornwell Tower on Forty-Eighth Street, I hoped I was in the right place. Having just walked through Penny’s future using the rosary, I could only recognize certain aspects of the environment before coming here in person. I was nearly certain that this was the very rooftop from which she would take her life.
I moved to the edge and looked down. Even though I’d never really experienced a fear of heights, standing more than fifty floors above the earth made my knees weak. Nervously, I inched away from the edge and turned toward the stairway door. I waited.
Thankfully, my wait was brief as Penny blasted through the door right on time. She wasted no time and marched directly toward me and the edge of the roof. I’d hoped that she might take her time, convincing herself that this was her only way out as opposed to taking the bull by the horns and advancing toward her death so quickly.
“Penny, wait,” I said. “You don’t want to do this.”
Penny continued her march, walking past me and right up to the edge. She paused and looked down just as I had done moments before.
Nervously, I moved to her side. “Penny, why do you want to kill yourself? I’m here to tell you that whatever the reason is, it’s no good reason at all. Trust me when I tell you this. I’m speaking from personal experience.”
Penny raised her head up and looked toward the sky. She took in several deep breaths before hanging her head low once again. As she stood there, silently, her toes inching forward and over the edge of the roof, she swayed back and forth, tempting gravity to take over.
“I don’t understand, Penny. Why are you ignoring me?” I said, hoping to distract her for even just a moment.
Penny continued her silence as she inched even closer toward her death. Finally, when I felt she had reached the point of no return, I reached out to pull her back from the edge.
“You can’t keep ignoring me,” I yelled, just as my fingers touched her warm skin. Or so I thought. I had expected my hand to wrap around her arm, but my hand passed right through her body. What the hell?
Just then, I heard a loud voice across the vast rooftop.
“What the hell are you doing? Do not interfere! Haven’t you meddled in the lives of other people enough?”
A man in a blue suit with a matching bowler hat was running at full sprint in our direction. It was Enoch Gant.
“Penny! Quick, get away from the edge,” I pleaded.
Penny continued to ignore me, but she turned to the sound of Enoch’s voice.
As he neared our position, his speed increased exponentially. He was going to plow into the both of us, carrying us all over the edge.
“Stop, you lunatic! What the hell are you doing?” I demanded.
He was getting closer by the second, his face intense and manic. If I hadn’t known any better, I would certainly classify it as suicidal. He was going to kill himself, along with Penny and me.
I tried once more to grab Penny, but again my hand passed through her as if I didn’t exist. It became obvious to me that she could not see or hear me.
Suddenly, Enoch was upon us. He spread his arms wide and wrapped them around Penny and me as he launched over the edge of the building. Strangely, I was not transparent to him but only to Penny, as the sharp pain in my ribs forced me to gasp out loud. Enoch drove us over and toward our death.
“Why are you doing this, you son of a bitch?” I screamed as I sat up.
“Easy there, partner. I’m only here to help you. You know that, right?” Hauser said, sitting next to me on my couch.
I opened my eyes and rubbed the sleep away. As my surroundings became clear, I realized that it was all a dream. “Jesus, Hauser. How long was I out?” I asked.
“Not sure, champ. I’ve only just arrived a few moments ago,” Hauser said, lifting himself up from the lumpy couch. “I see that you’ve taken the warnings to not sleep to heart.” He winked.
“It’s not like that. I had a plan.”
“I’m sure you did, but you know what the Sentinel said.”
“I do, but I figured that if I could dream about saving Penny, that would help our efforts in luring Enoch out.”
“And? Did it work?”
“Well, sort of. He was in the dream, and I was trying to save Penny, but he ended up killing all three of us by pushing us over the edge.”
Hauser looked at me thoughtfully. “Hmm. I suppose that makes sense. So you actually died in your dream?”
“Well, no. Not exactly. Enoch did push us all over the edge, but I woke up, here, before we reached the ground.”
“Well that’s a relief. You know what they say, if you die in your dream you die in real life.”
“I’ve never heard that before. Yanking my chain?” I asked.
“I don’t know, sport. It must be something that I read on the Internet somewhere.”
“Wait, what? The Internet wasn’t even around when you became a soul collector.”
Hauser winked. “Let’s get back on topic shall we?”
I nodded. “All right. What did you find out?”
“I spent the greater part of the last day with Penny at her apartment. She is pretty messed up. She is as alone as she said, and I’m not sure if she can actually be saved, Jack.”
“Shit. So I did mess up, didn’t I?”
“Well, not so fast. Yes, you spooked the crap out of her at the community center, but at the same time she has been continuing to think about what you said to her.”
“Really?” I said eagerly.
“Besides the fact that she still thinks that you’re an old pervert, she’s been contemplating the value of life. I think that might be your saving grace.”
Relief spread through my veins. I suddenly felt euphoric, like a load had been lifted from my shoulders. “That’s fantastic, Hauser.”
“Not so fast, champ. You still have a lot of work ahead of you,” Hauser said as he reached out and twisted my arm so he could read my watch. “And there’s not a moment to waste. You need to be at the bookstore in thirty minutes.”
“What happens in thirty minutes?” I asked.
“Penny will be there, and it will be an excellent opportunity
for you to make amends.”
“What exactly do I have to do? You used the rosary, obviously.”
“What I saw is not important, Jack. What is important is you arriving at the bookstore early, and then you need to knock your coffee over.”
“That’s it? That’s your big plan to make everything right?”
Hauser shook his head. “Just trust me, won’t you?”
I sensed something more, something he was withholding. “What aren’t you telling me, Hauser?”
He sighed. “There is . . . an incident. And if you just follow along with my instruction, we can minimize the ramifications. I don’t have time to go into it further, you just have to trust me. Can you do that?”
“So I just have to spill my coffee? Will I know when and where to pull off such an ingenious plan?”
“Don’t worry, buddy. I’ll be there with you and will walk you through everything step by step.”
“All right, let’s get a move on, then. Where is this bookstore that you speak of?”
“Great! It’s just a few blocks from Penny’s apartment. I think you’ll like it. You collect books, right?”
Chapter 10.5
When I walked into the Dreamcatcher Book Emporium, I was momentarily breathless. In all my years of living in the city, I found it odd that I’d never been to this particular bookstore. I thought I’d known where every one was throughout the city.
The store occupied the first two floors of an old brick warehouse. The interior walls were exposed brick, giving it a loft-style environment. The bookshelves stood away from the walls, creating a sort of racetrack feel all around the store. At the second level, open rails overlooked the central coffee bar.
As we moved into the coffee shop, I could see more aisles and rows of bookshelves retreating back from the second floor balconies. It was all very chic in a shabby kind of way.
“Okay, now what?” I asked. “Do I just stand here and wait, or should I go grab a book to read until she comes in?”
“First off, you should probably go get yourself a cup of coffee with the money I gave you. Then you need to take a seat there,” Hauser said, pointing to a table at the perimeter of the small café, “and sit with your back toward the door.”
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