“For a minute or two. But he then calmed down and didn’t bring the topic up again.”
This is just not done. How can he come to any conclusion and shout at me in the call? I expected more from him. He knows me. He knows how careful I am with regards to my communication. Couldn’t he call me or enquire with me first? And even if I were to have done something wrong, as a friend shouldn’t he try to back me up or cover me, instead of throwing me under the bus like this?
“Was it even necessary? Did he have to bring it out in the open like that?”
She takes another sip, looking at me over the rim of the cup. “Well, it could have been avoided. But such outbursts from Nathan are quite expected. Don’t take it too personally. We all know how he is. When he is absorbed in work, he doesn’t care much about people’s feelings.”
But I’m not just his associate, not just another team member. I’m someone very special to him. How can he do such a thing? Something that has the potential to really hurt me?
“We are good friends,” I confess. “More like we are in good terms,” I correct my words. “He should have at least consulted me once before bursting with anger. I would have clarified everything and if I were to be really at fault, he could have corrected me. He shouldn’t have brought it up in front of everyone like that.”
“I agree and that’s why I even brought it up in front of you. If anyone were to speak anything behind my back, I would want to know about it, to be better prepared to talk to that person next time. But, Sara, Nate is just Nate.” She shrugs. “He’ll never change. He never sees any relation or friendship above work. When it comes to work we are all the same to him regardless of the kind of relation we have with him. He never mixes us the both. Now, we are just used to it.”
So, I don’t know the Nate these people know? Nothing seems to add up. No matter what, why did Nate do whatever he did? Even after that, he never bothered enquiring with me. This is just not done.
“Anyway, I just had to tell you this. And mistakes happen, it’s ok. Just sort it out with him,” she tells, taking her leave.
“Yeah, sure. Thanks,” I tell her retreating back.
Once she leaves, I open the messaging app and shoot Nathan a message. I know he will be in office around this time.
What the hell, Nate? Whatever you did ysdy was not good. You actually hurt me.
I don’t have to wait long for his reply this time.
Careful. I could have been home now.
Well, now he’s really asking for it.
Clearly you are not. So forgetting about hypothetical scenarios, why don’t you answer me directly?
He starts to type, pauses and types again.
Feisty much? I like it. I would love to fuck this wild tigress.
This is the Nate I know and have fallen in love with. But the same Nate scolded me in my absence in front of so many people. He better have a justification for that.
Why did you shout at me when I wasn’t even there to defend myself? Not fair at all. Expected more from you.
I will give him a chance to speak unlike what he did to me.
Huh? What are you talking about?
Don’t tell me. He’s playing innocent now? Texting is not good for this. Without much ado, I call him but he cuts it in the first ring.
In office. Have meetings. Can’t talk.
Tell. What did I do?
Yesterday in call, I wasn’t present. Remember now? Or should I get into the details?
Now he doesn’t even remember? If it wasn’t such a big deal to him after all, why did he have to overreact in the call?
Right. About that. I was pissed at you. I had every reason to be pissed. Next time before you do anything that can have critical consequences, consult me and don’t do anything until I agree to it. It’s an important first lesson for you.
He’s still assuming that I’m wrong without even giving me a chance to explain.
Can’t you at least grant me the benefit of doubt? I did what they asked of me. I can explain.
This is a frustrating conversation. Nathan doesn’t even want to hear me out.
Still, it’s me who makes the final decision here and not you. Leave it now. Just don’t do it again.
So I’m just branded as the wrongdoer now? Why is he so stubborn? Does he think he can never be wrong?
Fine. I was wrong. But there was no need for you to insult me in front of everyone. You should have told me off personally. I honestly expected more from you. Didn’t think you would ever do such a thing. If tables were to be reserved, I would never have done the same to you. I would always save you. Always.
Though he reads the message, he doesn’t immediately reply. Either he doesn’t know what to tell or he’s just busy with his meeting.
I was following the process. Being your boss, it’s the protocol for me. You can’t complain about that. Regardless of who was in your place, I would have reacted the same way. That’s just how I am.
That’s how he is? That’s what Diana told too. But this is not like my Nathan at all and I don’t know how to react. I’m lost and I’m hurt.
Ok. Thanks for letting me know how you are. I had no idea.
I don’t get a reply after that.
After two hours, I’m back in the same place, but this time I actually have a coffee cup in my hand. I haven’t tasted it yet. When you are sulking, even your most delicious food tastes sour in your mouth. Just imagine how bad food would taste in such a mood. And that’s exactly why I haven’t dared to taste this coffee, which I’ve never been a fan of. But unfortunately, I don’t have many choices in the office, so I’m settling for what I have in the moment.
“Are you going to ever drink it and let me go so that I can get back to my pending work?”
“No. I’m stalling ‘cause I want to talk and it when it comes to,” I lean forward and whisper. “him, you’re easier than my sister. So, I’m requesting, don’t ditch me in this state.”
“I still think getting wasted is a better option,” Misty points out.
“And I drunk dial him? That’s scary even for me. I can’t afford to lose him like that. I can’t afford to lose him at all, Misty. Like you clearly know, I’m in too deep.”
“Sooo?” she drawls. “That changes nothing. He’s still married, dad of two, who apparently likes his wife and loves his family, can never ever turn his back on them and also who treats all humans as robots with no emotions or feelings when it comes to work. He’ll never change, so it’s better for you to give up on him and cut this off with your dignity still intact.”
“Again, that’s not my point. Whatever you told, pretty much sums him up but still, I can feel it in my bones that something has changed or maybe everything has changed and I don’t know what to do.”
“You can’t do anything, Sara. That’s exactly my point,” she deadpans. “And you’re supposed to be miffed with him for what he did, and instead, you are musing over what might have changed for him to behave this way. You’re trying to justify his actions when he has clearly laid out that he is this way and has always been this way.”
“More than angry, I’m just upset. I know he could have handled the situation more delicately, but I can’t keep holding onto it. He has me confused.” I frown, sucking another sob.
Maybe it’s me who’s making a big deal of something small, but when it comes to Nathan, who actually means the world to me, I can’t help it. Even the smallest thing pricks and if the person you love, scolds you in front of a crowd in your absence, it feels like your very heart is being crushed into smithereens by a bulldozer. And yet, I’m trying to shrug it off. Talk about being blinded by love.
“If you ask me, I’d still say that this was bound to happen. I know you won’t hear anything against him, so I won’t get into that, but let me just say this once. He had his fun with you. You brought him great joy in two months and now that his wife is back, he wants to cut ties with you and though his present behavior might not be instigated by such
intentions, eventually that’s what he’ll be doing. So brace yourself for it. You are headed for a crash course, Sara and it’s too late to apply the brakes.”
“No wait,” I argue, sitting straight. “Firstly with his wife back, I know the dynamics will change but doesn’t mean it’ll be the end of us. I hate being this way, but I don’t want it to end just yet. And moreover, he initiated this with me when his wife was around. I understand we can’t be close as we used to be, but it shouldn’t be the end.”
She huffs, grabs my unsipped coffee from my hands and starts to down it herself. It’s been ten minutes since I got it. It must have turned cold.
“Sara, look at you. What has happened to you? Just few months back we were right here. I was convincing you to continue for few more months to gain more experience and exposure. And now, you’re not even thinking of leaving or trying for a better position. It’s like you have completely forgotten your career. Keeping your love life aside, you do realize that exceling in your career is extremely essential? You’re very bright and smart. Don’t waste it all over a guy who can never offer you anything more than his dick. You’re smarter than this.”
‘You never mince your words, do you?” I ask rhetorically, though I completely understand where she’s coming from.
“That’s why you like me so much. I care for you and I call spade a spade. That’s what real friends should do. Though it’ll ultimately be your call, as a friend I can’t just see you toss away your life like this. You have great heights to reach. Please don’t let him bring you down. He’s just not worth it.”
“He makes me so happy. Is it really so wrong to hold onto that happiness for as long as I possibly can? I know our paths will diverge for good, but if it’s in my hands to continue to walk this path with him, then I don’t want to say goodbye yet.”
“Like that you’ll never be ready, Sara,” she exclaims angrily. “Love is like whirlpool or a black hole of sorts. The deeper you dive, the lesser the hope of making it out alive. As long as there is some hope, take a tangential path out of this. It’s for your own good.”
“Tangential path?” My brows arch in question.
“See, it’s clear that the man likes you and being a part of this team and your Boss, he can’t directly help you. Actually he can, but thanks to his principles and work ethics he doesn’t want to. I don’t get how he can be so principled and strict in work, when he can so easily cheat on his wife at his age with a woman much younger than him.”
“No, wait.” I stop her. “You’re getting diverted again. Let’s come back to that tangent point you had made.”
“So, if he really cares and wants to help you, then he can pitch your name to people who can grant you your desired job role. Get out of this team, where you have no scope of a fast growth. Instead, use his influence to aid your career. Nathan Bankers is a huge name here. He has the authority to influence such decisions. This can turn out to be the exact break you were looking out for.”
I look at her unbelievably. “Are you asking me use Nathan’s name and power to boost my own career?”
“Yeah.” She shrugs. “I’m sure even your sister wouldn’t have come up with this smart idea.”
“You don’t get it, Misty. You just don’t,” I fume. “I can’t think of using Nate like that. I love him for fuck’s sake. This is not some sort of a business deal.”
“Why can’t you?” she retorts. “He has used you and will be pretty soon throwing you as well. There is nothing wrong in you extracting some favors from him. You’re capable of doing it on your own too, but with his help it’ll be much sooner. Trust me, after everything, it’s the least he can do.”
“Everything? What do you mean by that?” This conversation is more painful than I thought it would be. But that’s again because she is stating the facts as she sees it and if I were in her place, I would have probably told her the same and that too in a much harsher way.
“Even if you haven’t had sex with him, you guys have clearly crossed all limits. And most importantly, he actually let you fall for him?! He knew all along and he let it happen, Sara! He knows that you are madly in love with him and he’s not doing a thing about it. Is that fair for you?” This time she actually shouts and I signal her to tone it down.
“It’s my fault that I fell for him. He never asked for it!”
“But he never even tried to stop you, even after knowing the possible consequences. He didn’t care that he would be hurting you. He was using you and making the best of the time. And that’s called being selfish.”
“I’m selfish too and also very bad. Despite knowing everything, I got into this. He is betraying his wife and since I want him so badly, I’m letting him do that!” I argue.
“He initiated it, Sara. Not encouraging you at all. Stop it and save him the trouble too. Just get this guilt off your chest. That’s all I can say.”
“I don’t know how to.” My lips wobble and my voice shakes. “Getting into it was easy, but I don’t know how to end it. I can’t. Only he’s capable of it and he’ll do it in his terms.”
She sighs, defeated. “And you will let him? You’ll get played by him? You weren’t like this. The whole reason you even broke up with Bryce was because you felt weak, helpless and under his mercy. It’s even worse with Nate. This is not healthy at all, Sara.”
“Don’t I know it?” I let out a hysterical chuckle. “I know that I have fucked up big time, but is it really my fault that I gave up my heart to a supposed wrong guy? It’s those ‘supposedly’ dirty deeds that truly keep me happy? It’s his devilish needs that actually make me feel desired, special and important? We are two fuckups, Misty. That’s exactly why we jell so well. Until I met him, I didn’t realize it myself. Now that I do, there is no going back.”
I don’t give her time to analyze and combat me with a better, logical and practical argument. I just walk off with a sullen face and worn down heart.
Chapter 20
Nathan
“So?” I ask harshly and immediately regret it.
“Nate, please. Don’t use that tone on me. I’m trying to talk,” she requests. Squeezing my eyes shut, I let out a frustrated sigh.
“I’m sorry, Sara. I don’t mean to hurt you, but there’s a lot happening and I’m not able to think straight.”
It feels like ages since I’ve spoken to her when it’s just been five days. It’s not like I’m avoiding her, but I’m just trying to engage myself in other activities to take my mind off her and focus on other stuffs. Stuff I’m passionate about and that’s ‘work’ for me. And now my plate is actually full and I don’t even have breathing space. I know I’m overdoing it, but work is my only reprieve. Not trying to be a coward, but the closer I get to Sara, the harder it is to just walk away. She’s my drug and I need to cut down on it before I lose everything.
“Why are you doing this to yourself?” she sobs.
“What am I trying to do?” I challenge her. I don’t usually use such a tone with her but she still manages to control me even in my worse moods. That’s the thing about Sara. It’s not always about pleasure. I turn to her even when I’m disturbed, troubled and she always finds a way to calm me down. She understands and controls me in a way that even Cecilia can’t. That’s what scares me the most – my growing dependency on her.
“You’re conflicted after your wife’s arrival. You are not able to make time for us both. For a change, you are not able to cope with the change and that’s why you are leaning on work for support. Let me work so much that I don’t have any time to think. Perfect solution, yeah, Nathan?” Her sarcasm coated words make my lips upturn into a smile.
Even I wouldn’t have been able to put it in better words. She is damn right. That’s what I love about my Sara. She never takes shit and always spits out the truth, especially about me without any fear of rebuttal. That’s because she’s aware that she can’t be wrong when it comes to me.
“I want to shut that mouth of yours by fucking you real ha
d. It’ll only be my name tumbling from your mouth and that’s something that will make me wilder. Carry on with such antics, and you’ll be asking for it,” I warn her.
“Snap a picture right now,” she excitedly exclaims.
“Sorry, what?” I ask, amused. What’s going on in her head now?
“Snap a pic of the tent in your parents, or if you can, a picture of your dick. I want to check if it’s longer and harder than the last time. You’re sure as hell turned on now. And in return, I will prove how wet and soaked my panties are by just hearing your words.”
“Jesus, woman,” I mutter, laughing under my breath. “There are absolutely no limits for you.”
“Only when it comes to you,” she immediately corrects. “Only you get to play like this with me.”
“And I’m the only one who can get you so worked up. It’s all my doing, baby,” I boast.
“I know, I know,” she singsongs. “Nathan- the Almighty.”
“Almighty, huh? If you’re bestowing me with that title, then I’ll gladly accept it.”
“You’re actually accepting it? Better late than never.” she laughs. “But, even if you fuck me real hard, I would still hold my ground and argue with you. Though your name would slip in between now and then, my arguments wouldn’t stop.”
“That would be more fun. One of a kind. We need to test this scenario out.” The image she painted starts to take shape in the confines of my mind.
I wish life was that simple. I wish I could still time right about now and live this moment in a repeated cycle. Me and Sara. Just the both of us. No one else.
“I’ll add it to the list. It keeps getting longer and longer.”
“It might never actually get fulfilled.” I pause. Harsh truth is like a sucker punch to the gut. “You have to prepare yourself for that as well. It’s easy to get lost in dreams, Sara but at the end of the day it’s the reality that we live in.” That’s what has stopped me from taking a flight to Boston. Granted, she wasn’t ready for it earlier, but now that she wants it, our feelings and relation quo has changed and it’s something we both understand. I don’t know where to take it from here. My plan was to stop it at fucking, but that has become impossible now. That’s why I’m not even entertaining that thought and bringing it up in front of her.
Enticed by you (Miraculous Love Book 1) Page 25
